Thinking of starting a new band called “Baseballs of Coleman.” It would be a power trio consisting of myself (me) and two other people. Our songs would mostly be about the travesty going on in Minnesota, vis a vis activist judges deciding who wins elections and who loses elections, instead of letting the voters decide.

(The “Baseballs” in the name refers to the fact that our first video will be shot at the Romney sky box at Red Sox Field, after I win the essay contest.)

Our first song will be called, “Minnesota Voters, Rise Up and Be Counted.” I predict it will peak at #1 on the pop charts.

Hello, just wanted to let my reader(s) know about an exciting event coming up, my first live appearance in over 6 months.

I’m going to give a lecture at Pete’s Candy Store in Brooklyn. The lecture will be about how to win the lottery, how to play the numbers, how to choose winning scratch tickets, etc.

This lecture will empower you to make money.

More details soon …

If you’re like me, you don’t live in Minnesota. And yet you love and respect Norm Coleman because of his integrity and because of how his face looks, especially around the mouth area.

And if you’re like me, you wanted Norm to fight Al Franken all the way to the United States Supreme Court — and if that didn’t work out, all the way to the United Nations Emergency Court — and if that didn’t work out, all the way to the Thunderdome Court, where two men enter and one man leaves and the other man just stays in the Thunderdome.

Why is Norm Coleman giving up? Is this what our forefathers fought for? Is this what our neighbors are getting shot at in Iraq for? Is this what our future children’s friends will be getting attacked at from Chinese hillsides because of and/or for???

Where does it end? Will we stop having elections altogether, and just automatically let comedians and TV cocaine-heads be seated in Congress?

Where is the outrage? Meet me on the corner of Lafayette St. and 9th St. and I will SHOW YOU WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE.

JMMMJJJJMMJMMMJJMMJJMMJMJMMMJMJMJJMJJMMJMJMMJ.

If you’re a late-thirty-something like me, you’ve spent the last ten years bewildered by “emo,” a youth movement celebrating histrionic displays of emotion, skinny jeans, and hair that looks like it was put on backwards.

I’m no emo expert, but I’m pretty sure 49-year-old Republican governors from South Carolina are not its core demographic.

However, as a great man once said, the arc of history is long … but it bends towards Dashboard Confessional.

Emo’s moment has arrived.

If Barack Obama is America’s first nerd president, surely Mark Sanford is America’s first emo governor.

EXHIBIT 1: The scandal. Sanford had an affair with a “dear, dear friend” in Argentina with whom he emailed/texted about emotions and relationships. In his own words: “We swapped e-mails, whatever …” PURE EMO!

EXHIBIT 2: The press conference. In contrast to most politicians’ revelations of infidelity — which unfurl with a defensive, android predictability — Sanford explored the deepest emotional caves of his being with a teary-eyed grandeur. That he undertook this psychosexual spelunking on live television is pure emo. I raise my lighter to him.

EXHIBIT 3: His vocabulary. Listen to these lines from his press conference; they could only come from the mouth of a man steeped in the proud institutions and noble traditions of emo:

“From a heart level, there was something real ….”
–This is basically the First Law of Emo. Sanford gets it. He lives it.

“The biggest self of self is, indeed, self …”
–My understanding is that this is what 90% of My Chemical Romance lyrics are like.

“The odyssey that we’re all on in life is with regard to heart …”
–I guarantee a suburban kid has already thought, “Hey, that would look pretty good carved into my arm.”

The emotional high/low/head-exploding-point of the press conference was when Sanford admitted to having spent five days crying in Argentina, which is the most emo thing anyone has ever done in all of history. (By the way, “Five Days Crying” is a great name for an emo band, as is another phrase from Sanford’s press conference: “Zone of Protectiveness.”)

EXHIBIT 4: His emails. Basic human decency prevents me from quoting Sanford’s private emails; rest assured they are more emo than Robert Smith’s eyeliner.

EXHIBIT 5: His band. During his press conference, Sanford referred to his participation in “C Street” with a “spiritual giant” named Cubby Culbertson. I assume C Street is Sanford’s emo band (he looks like a rhythm guitarist) and that Cubby Culbertson is the band’s roadie. (The Fifth Law of Rock states that it’s impossible for a “giant” named Cubby to not be a roadie.)

EXHIBIT 6: The subtext. Sanford’s entire press conference was basically a cover version of this proto-emo classic.

Face it: The man is a living, breathing preview of the Pete Wentz administration.

While I am flattered that some of you are sharing your Mitt Romney essays with me, please remember:

Anyone who enters this essay contest instantly becomes my enemy.

There is only one skybox; there are only so many baseballs. And yes, I will totally plagiarize you at the drop of a hat and there’s nothing you can do about it because you can’t prove anything on the internet.

Know hope.

It’s morning.
The sun rises on our great land.
I smell the unmistakable odor
of baseballs.

Some are signed
Some are unsigned
I want the baseballs that are signed
by Mitt Romney.

What does a free and strong America
mean to me?
It means to me something about baseballs
And something about how I want all the baseballs
that are signed by Mitt Romney

Those other baseballs?
The unsigned baseballs?
You can have those baseballs
Send them to communist China
so starving Chinese kids can cook them
and eat them

Free and strong
Free and strong
America means …
It’s ME! Don’t you get it?
IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME!
I’m the one who made America free and strong!
How did I do it?
By praying for Mitt Romney compulsively every night for eight years, even when I had the sniffles, I still prayed for him.

THE END