“Up The Irons” is a phrase I saw a lot during my 30 seconds of Iron Maiden research last week. What does it mean? I thought it had something to do with the heavy-metal devil-horn thing people do with their hands. Turns out it has to do with SOCCER, of course:

Iron Maiden frequently use the slogan “Up the Irons” in their disc liner notes, and the phrase can also be seen on several t-shirts officially licensed by the band. “The Irons” has been used to refer to the London football club, West Ham United, of which founder Steve Harris is a fan. Fans of Iron Maiden have been known to use the phrase as a greeting or sign-off to other Iron Maiden fans.

Why are British people so crazy, with their soccer and pints of beer and chanting and whatnot? This is how I knew not to be honestly scared of Iron Maiden when I was a kid, in spite of their scary album art: Because if they really were devil-worshipping sadists, would they really mention lager and soccer in their liner notes, and give everyone fifty nicknames?

Okay guys, let’s get into it. Here’s the Wikipedia entry on Iron Maiden. We’ll crowd-source the analysis; let me know if you find anything interesting.

WE LEARN TOGETHER SO THAT WE MAY ROCK TOGETHER.

I am inside the shop … I turned on all the lights and opened the register … I’m ready to sell you some wine. Burgundy, Merlot, or Pinot Gris, all are sitting here waiting for you …

WELCOME TO WINE STORE MONDAY.

Guys, this is one of the most incredible emails I’ve ever received. I simply must share it with you. Old friend and sometimes reader MH graced my inbox with his presence … chastising me for once again being late to the Iron Maiden party …

dude this is your best friend calling. Via internet. I was reading your blog for once, (love it! –ed.) and–have I NOT BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU SINCE 8TH FREAKIN GRADE that Iron Maiden is the best band ever?? I’m coming up there to that wine store on Monday so you can live-twitterwineblog about me telling you yet again, two decades later, that Iron Maiden is the best band ever and I, and I alone, along with VH1, deserve the credit for you knowing this.

Monday is shaping up to be a true red-letter off-the-hook banger. Iron Maiden + Wine Store + best friend who’s been trying to get me into Iron Maiden since 1986? Are you kidding? They might have to slow down the earth’s rotation just so we have enough time to process everything that’s about to get set off on Monday.

I just hope MH remembers to bring that “Live After Death” cassette he’s been rocking since the Reagan administration …

Monday can’t come soon enough!!!

Breaking my own embargo … get ready for a big week on Monday … up the irons …

People are already chiming in about the MNFTIU Iron Maiden Week rumors …

Reader JT imagines a full-on investigative project:

I would like to go on record fully supporting further journalistic investigation of the type that only you are capable of into all things Iron Maiden.

I think we can all agree that I would bring home about 50 journalism awards if I went into all-out investigative mode re: Iron Maiden.

Reader DS accidentally gets his mind blown:

So I read mnftiu via Google Reader rss feed along with other such notable blogs as the “Roger Ebert’s Journal,” wherein Roger Ebert is presently holding it down at the Toronto Film Festival, and while reading your Iron Maiden post I became momentarily disoriented and wound up believing that I was reading a Roger Ebert post about how much Iron Maiden is still rocking hard and how much of a Maiden superfan Roger Ebert is about to become.

LOL DID MNFTIU MAIDEN WEEK JUST BLOW MY MIND VERY MUCH BEFORE EVEN OFFICIALLY SETTING IT OFF????

Thank you, DS, for inspiring my latest fantasy New Yorker Festival panel: David Rees in conversation with Roger Ebert: “What We Talk About When We Talk About Iron Maiden.” Let’s make it happen.

My promise to you: I am going to win the first Iron-Maiden-related Pulitzer Prize.

Reader and almanac-collector JK was not impressed with JM’s contribution to the Almanac Wars:

Slow clap for the sanctimonious JM and his video about the Government Documents Department.  Unless and until JM can show a video of his OWN collection of ALMANACS (this is an Almanac War?) then color me unimpressed. 

Besides, anyone can grab a camcorder and go to the frickin library. Bravo JM!  Next time, why don’t you just show us a video of you typing in ‘www.google.com’ into your web browser.

Ouch! JM, are you gonna stand for this? This guy JK is calling you out! I don’t have to tell regular readers what this reminds me of …

By the way, JK shot new footage of his almanac collection … I think you’ll agree this is a game-changer … I’m commissioning Rand Corp. to analyze what this means for future almanac wars, because: WHOA.

If you’re in the almanac-war business, this is the grimmest 19 seconds of your life!!!

I made a pledge to myself to watch a lot of TV this week. So on Monday I tuned into VH1 for “Flight 666,” a documentary about Iron Maiden’s tour of Central and South America.

Guys, is it possible that in 20 years or so, we’ll all realize that Iron Maiden is the best rock band in the world? Because I’m pretty close to believing that. Because, umm, did you know that Bruce Dickinson, the singer of Iron Maiden, has a pilot’s license, and that when the band tours, he flies them around in, like, a 747 jet that has Iron Maiden painted on it and even has a picture of Eddie (Iron Maiden monster) painted on the tail? Did you know that?

And did you know that Iron Maiden is still rocking so hard? My friend went to OzzFest a couple years ago and said Iron Maiden blew every other band off the stage. Still holding it down.

Seriously, if I learn more than one Iron Maiden song, I might just become a super-fan.

The one thing that bothers me about Iron Maiden, though: Not enough nicknames for people in their liner notes. LOL, I think they should add some nicknames for their road crew.

Hmm … I feel like there might be lots to write about Iron Maiden. We might just have to explore the idea of an MNFTIU IRON MAIDEN WEEK.

(This is a video of Iron Maiden live in Rio … with one person singing along.)

So I went to yoga class last night. Gulp. “Hoo boy.” (Say in Tom Scharpling voice.) This was the worst yoga experience of my life. I swear we spent like 20 minutes face-down on a wooden floor trying to lift our legs up in the air. That felt good … NOT!!!

Then she had us go into some kind of discombobulated pigeon pose that made no kind of sense. I almost had a leg spasm, trying to reach around and grab my ankle which was like a quarter-mile away (I’m tall).

And … no warrior pose? Are you kidding me? Jeez, lemme bust out a warrior pose! Warrior 1, Warrior 2, I don’t care … just let me feel like a bad-ass for a minute. No, instead she had us doing lunges — my least favorite yoga poses — hips getting all diagonal and legs trembling and trying to lean forward and getting all sweaty and wobbly. Blecch.

At the end of the class, when the teacher said “Namaste,” I yelled out “I DON’T THINK SO.”

(Just kidding … had to get in some classic yoga humor, there. You know me and my pixie-ish whimsy.)

Anyway, it was good to have a bad yoga experience, I suppose. Usually I feel good after yoga and I think “Man, I’m glad I went to yoga.” But last night, I was like “Goddamn you’d think after 3,000 years they’d figure out how to make this not totally suck.” But they can’t break me! You’ll see me back on the mat before too long. You can’t keep me down; I’ll pop off a fat tree pose in 2 seconds flat, don’t tempt me …

Whoa, didn’t see this coming. Reader JM chimes in regarding the 2009 Almanac Wars (basically saying, “Almanacs are for punks, go straight to the Statistical Abstract of the United States“) and sends along this video (already one of my top 10 vids):

Damn, that’s a pretty serious collection! The guy has like 20 volumes just on the “Pearl Harbor Attack,” whatever that was. Almanac-heads might need to up their game …