More thoughts here.

I studied philosophy in college (I kinda sucked at it), but one of the great things about the analytic tradition (it’s what all the British dudes were into) was the emphasis placed on precise language.

Basically, Rudy Giuiliani is the AJ Ayer of terror.

On a conference all with reporters just now, Rudy Giuliani said there was one thing about Attorney General Eric Holder’s decision to bring terror suspects to New York City he could stand fully behind.

“I was glad to see Holder say ‘we’re at war,'” Giuliani said on the RNC-sponsored call. “I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists.”

Read more about the Wittgensteinian sensibility undergirding Giuliani’s analysis.

If you live in New York, please come to this fun show! Lotsa LOL-makers onstage …

Eugene Mirman, Todd Barry, Jonathan Ames, etc. etc.

The Rumpus And Tin House Present
A Night at The Highline
Highline Ballroom
431 W 16th St
New York, NY 10011
between 9th and 10th Ave
(212) 414-5994
7:00 PM
$10

We’re gonna kick it!

Why didn’t I hear this two years ago when it came out?

If this flags me as an old man, pass the Metamucil– I love this jam.

“Spell it backwards, I’ma leave it at that.” LOL. Chuck D! It’s kinda hard these days to remember/understand how incredible Public Enemy were “back in the day.” Jay-Z and Kanye and blah blah are all great and famous, whatever, but they’re fundamentally conservative: Cars, jewelry, power– they might as well be interns at National Review. They’re not really dangerous. Same with the best MC going: MF Doom. I love Doom, but he’s like the Wes Anderson of MC’s. Nobody’s scared of him. Public Enemy, though? They were insane. Totally angry, totally political, totally FAMOUS … with the longest song titles this side of Morrissey.

Also, whose voice commands more respect than Chuck D? Maybe Biggie, maybe Rakim, KRS-One … but who else? Jay-Z? Please. Listen to how awesome Chuck D sounds on this track. It literally made me LOL when I ran this youtube video through my stereo, he sounded so bad-ass.

My friends and I were recently reminiscing about a Public Enemy show we saw in Chapel Hill back in 1990. It was at the Cat’s Cradle (tiny rock club); they were touring in support of Fear of a Black Planet. It was a Sunday afternoon. Umm … did they set it off very hard? Gee, I can’t remember. Was it pretty quiet? Hmm … yeah, it was quiet. Really quiet. There were like fifty-nine S1W’s lock-stepping on stage while Flava Flav crowd-surfed through the packed club and Chuck D ripped the mic so so so so so hard. Basically, my friends and I were reminiscing about how it was one of the weakest shows we’ve ever seen … LOL … things got pretty sane when they dropped “Fight the Power” … club was quiet … we were sad …

I even remember the first time I ever heard Public Enemy. (Someday I’ll post a list of all the musicians so mind-blowing to me that I literally remember the first time I heard them.) It was on WXYC’s (UNC radio station) show “Inside Track” when they played Yo! Bum Rush the Show in its entirety. At first I thought it was Schoolly-D. So mesmerizing with the broken alarm-clock beats and political lyrics.

Okay, so that’s it for this blog post! Basically, the main thesis is: Thank God for Public Enemy.

Attorney General Eric Holder’s decision to try 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in New York City is proving more controversial than the Obama administration anticipated.

Liberals assume that granting KSM a civilian trial will show off the “ideals” of the “American justice system”– which is more important than maintaining the safety of New York City residents.

Everybody else realizes the obvious fact that trying these terrorist fiends in the very city where they flew planes into 9/11 will lead to more terror.

Here’s how it works: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will take the stand in his own defense. Instead of answering the prosecution’s questions (“Where were you on the morning of 9/11?” “What happened to Osama bin Laden?”), this bearded devil will insult the victims of 9/11, denounce America, and call for more terror attacks to distract New Yorkers while he breaks out of prison. However, he will say all these things in the secret Muslim language, so we won’t realize that he’s putting us in danger.

While the court scrambles to translate his rantings and ravings, KSM will switch to English … to spout pro-jihadist propaganda that seduces all who hear it.

“Cover your ears! Cover your ears!” yells the quick-thinking bailiff, but for some, it’s too late: KSM has instantly converted members of the jury to jihad. They will recuse themselves from jury duty, throwing the entire process into jeopardy!

The judge barks, “Order in the court! Order in the court!” but the terrorist mastermind will ignore him, saying “I only answer to Allah, the magnificent sun god of my people!” This will make New Yorkers so scared, they’ll start whimpering and crying. The fiend will say, “Ah ha, look at you all shuddering beneath my mighty power! Death to America!”

Then he will turn his wild eyes to the judge and hypnotize him: “Judge, look into my eyes … you are growing sleepy … sleepy … give me your little wooden mallet … yes, yes … now I hold the mallet … NOW I’M BASHING YOUR HEAD IN WITH YOUR WOODEN MALLET!!!”

As the courtroom screams in terror at the judge’s brains flying all over the room, KSM will vault out of the witness box holding the judge’s mallet like the mighty Thor. He’ll pound the mallet against the floor: “By the power of Asgard, grant me strength!” Then his muscles will grow super-huge and his robes will turn blindingly white and his beard will turn into a writhing tangle of snakes chanting “The Yankees sssuck!”

New Yorkers will scream and scatter as KSM breaks through the brick walls of the courthouse and begins a murderous rampage on the streets of Manhattan. And we will all be powerless to stop him, because he’s an invincible terrorist mastermind!

Everybody please charter a bus and come to this show! You can crash at my cabin afterwards.

Hooray, can’t wait for Saturday night! The LOLs will ring out across the lower Hudson Valley …

Howdy! I’m not in the wine store today … it’s the busy season what with the holidays, so the owners have decided to be in the shop every day.

I’m at home right now, listening to the radio and wondering what to do with my life … sniff, sniff, wine store, I miss you … I miss all your beautiful bottles … of wine (of course) … how will my beloved customers fare without me? … how will they know which wines are red and which ones are white … I need a new gig … who runs a wine store that I can work in? … I’ll email my resume … it will be SCENTED WITH WINE …

Hey guys, sorry for the light blogging recently.

I’ve started a new series over at True/Slant called “Punchline Poll.” It’s a democratically valid way of writing jokes! I’d really appreciate it if you’d participate and forward to your friends. Thanks!

Talk soon,
David

Yowch! “That’s gotta hurt.”