8:29 PM We’re back … and the alpha-twin completed the rubber-band challenge. It was for $10,000– not $50,000, as I irresponsibly surmised minutes ago. Now they move on to the $50,000 challenge, which is … “Speed Eraser.” Oh snap, a pencil-related challenge!!! HELL yes. They have to bounce pencils into buckets using the bounciness typical of erasers. “Color me riveted.”

8:28 PM You know what was a good show, at least according to my fuzzy memory? “The Wonder Years.” I feel like that dude learned a lesson on every show.

8:27 PM In ten years, this kid in the Oreo commercial will star in a Noah Baumbach movie about a college DJ who builds dioramas about his parents’ divorce.

8:25 PM This is a commercial about a woman whose wedding was just days away, and then she realized her smile wasn’t white enough, so she bought “Crest White Strips” to make her teeth look nicer. You know what? I can believe that happened. Stuff like that happens every day; just because it’s not on the front page of the newspaper doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

8:24 PM Just look at all those rubber bands. They look like tiny loops of spaghetti on the floor. Whoa, that woman was really excited about him knocking over that card with the rubber band? Did you see her jumping around? Okay, that was the most irresponsible, artless, manipulative cutaway in MTWI history– and that’s saying something. Now I gotta watch some Mazda commercial, all the while wondering if he knocked over that last playing card.

8:22 PM Level Four Challenge: Sharp Shooter. Shoot playing cards with rubber bands. Oh man, not to get distracted, but something smells good outside. Is my neighbor grilling something? I want to know, but on the other hand, I can’t miss this challenge because it’s worth $50,000 (I think). Now the twins are talking about who should take up the rubber-band challenge. Guys watching at home, can we agree the twin in the blue shirt is the alpha twin? He seems to talk more than the other twin.

8:20 PM Blow red ping-pong balls (ppb) off the tray, while keeping the yellow ppb on the tray. “Watch those yellows … softer blow, softer blow!” Damn, he crushed it. Five grand in the bank. Happy music bumpin’, Guy Fieri yellin’, David Rees livebloggin’, it doesn’t get any more regular than this.

8:19 PM These twins are the kind of guys where I can’t tell if they’re 25 or 40. They have the eyes of youth, but the muscles of men. Does that make me sound like Percy Blythe Shelly(sp)?

8:16 PM Instant Commercial Grades:
JC Penney’s Sale: D (borrrring, you’re not Macy’s so don’t try)
Pizza Hut 50-cent Wing Wednesdays: B-
Yoplait Yogurt With Fruit In It: B+ (trippy strawberry yogurt ocean)
Swiffer, the space-age mop that’s putting regular mops out of business: C (Funny mop commercial?)
Emmy Awards With Jummy Fallon: C
Lifetime Movie About A Woman And Murderous Teens, Those No-Good Dirty Teens: A+ (It’s called “Bond of Silence”)
Nissan’s Bottom Line Sales Event: C (“Ah, the banality of Nissan sales commercials.” [Said in weary professor voice])

8:13 PM Okay, this challenge rules. There are 5,000 ping-pong balls on a pizza-pie pan and you have to blow all of them off except for three yellow ping-pong balls. “Guy Fieri, on behalf of the North American ping-pong ball manufacturers, we would like to present you with this lifetime achievement award for supporting ping-pong balls.” Okay, I was so busy being silly I kinda missed when they introduced the twins’ families. Sorry, I let you guys down with that one. All I know is one of ’em has a stepson named Iggy Pop(?!?!) and the other one has a girlfriend he is obviously going to propose to later in the show.

8:12 PM Wait, is this called Egg Dance or Egg Dump? In any case, the guy completed the level! $2,500 in his pocket. Now he’s doing the “Angry-guy-who-is-actually-happy-clap.” Do you know that move? This guy is doing it hard.

8:10 PM Okay, in Egg Dump, they have to run around with some eggs on a tray. And no, I don’t mean SCRAMBLED eggs, I mean … eggs-eggs. (ie, in their natural state like when they come out of the bird). These twins are the kinds of guys who make me feel two inches tall and really nervous, like I’m going to get punched for reading the wrong blogs.

8:07 PM Instant commercial grades:

TIDE ACTI-LIFT: B+
ENERGIZER BATTERIES: D+
MACY’S ONE-DAY SALE: C (looks like a good sale)
The Switch (a movie): B (I think it’s a comedy about getting pregnant incorrectly)
McDonalds: C+ (First-person shooter with burrito? Confusing.)
Mun2 “The Look”: D (Because I couldn’t tell what the product was)
The Apprentice Television Program Starring the Indomitable Donald Trump: A+ (what can I say? He’s gonna drag this nation out of the recession kicking and screaming)

8:06 PM Whoa, the second twin just destroyed that challenge. He totally “faced” his brother. (By “brother,” I mean “other twin.”) Okay guys, the enthusiasm feels a wee little bit off to me. Next challenge: EGG DUMPS.

8:05 PM If I was a licensed psychotherapist, instead of just a hobbyist, I would say these twins have a lot of enthusiasm, but that they need a fashion consultation.

8:04 PM This challenge involves whiffle (wiffle?) balls and baskets. And this contestant really stinks at it. Ladies and gentlemen, we might be witness to twin murder this evening, in which one twin murders the other twin because he couldn’t do the thing with the thing.

8:03 PM Is Guy wearing the same shirt as last week? The eggplant number with the British(?) style cuffs? “I never forget a shirt,” that’s my motto. I’m a bit of a fashion hound, if you don’t know. And yes, I am wearing ALL my favorite brands right now.

8:02 PM “I think if we started with enthusiasm points, you guys would already have a million.” –Guy Fieri, once again exaggerating for rhetorical impact. If I hosted MTWI, this wouldn’t happen. Okay, the twins are ready to go with their first challenge.

8:01 PM Hooray! It’s Minute to Win It’s twin edition! Two twins will compete together and try for a million dollars! Guys at home, guess which twin’s hairstyle I like more? It’s a free guessing game.

8:00 PM We meet again, Guy Fieri. May God have mercy on your soul.

7:59 PM Good backpack commercial. Oh! They sell shoes, too. This business is called “Sports Authority.” They have the authority to sell backpacks and shoes.

7:58 PM Liveblogging speed test: fasflkj;lkvjad f;lkasjdf;dlkfj a;dslkfj asd;flk jasdf;lk asjf;ksj df;akdj fas;kldf jas;dlfjk as;dfklj sa;dlfkj asdf;klajs ;dlkfjga;slkfj adfl;kj … Yeah, we got this! I typed all that in less than 20 seconds.

7:50 PM In ten minutes our favorite show, which is called “Minute to Win It,” will start. The sky looks amazing right now. Everything is salmon-colored: the lawn, the clouds, the flowers … even the blogs. That means tonight’s liveblog will be as beautiful as salmon (the fish) itself … (You see, I believe in signs and symbols.)

Is it Wednesday again? I can’t believe how these Wednesdays keep coming and coming, relentless, like dogs chasing me out of a cemetery.

Anyway, I’ll be liveblogging Minute to Win It tonight at 8:00 PM EST. Check local listings! Or better yet, don’t, because I just told you everything you need to know.

A typical vacation afternoon in the Rees house: I’m googling “artisanal pencil sharpening” while my mom weaves baskets and my dad reads the obituaries.

My dad is talking about how sometimes obituaries say “So-and-so died,” but sometimes they say “So-and-so has returned home” or “So-and-so left this world for the next one,” or whatever.

Of course, this led to a discussion of how my dad wants his obituary to read. He’s a modest person who likes Shaker furniture so of course he wants to keep it simple; he wants the lede to be: “Philip Rees died.”

Then he thought and said, “I want it to read: ‘Philip Rees died after a courageous battle with boredom and pointlessness …'”

Dude, we about had to write my obituary on that one, because I was DYING with laughter.

But then we realized: The very fact that his would be the greatest opening sentence in obituary history actually meant his life had not been pointless!

It’s like Death is a snake made out of newspaper obituaries eating its own tail or something! Total mind-blow. We had to eat tomato sandwiches just to keep our minds from melting.

Putting away the blog in order to concentrate on this movie. It’s just too many frogs to keep track of otherwise.

“Frogs attacking windows? Snakes in chandeliers? Those aren’t exactly normal things.”

“You’re out drinking in that speed boat all day and all night. Well, I hate it.”

“The frogs are driving me crazy, too.”

Interesting racial subtext alert! And “Frogs” begins firing on yet another cylinder …

… meanwhile the frogs are jumping every which way in the swamp.

And now we’re at a dinner party in the mansion, but the daughter can’t stand the sound of all the frogs! “That sound is driving me insane! Won’t they ever stop!”

Now the rich people are complaining about how their taxes are going up because of the anti-pollution regulations. Somebody needs to remake this movie, like, TOMORROW. And fuck M. Night Shyamalan and “The Happening,” nobody’s trying to be scared of a tree waving in the wind. We need some COLD-BLOODED FROG TERROR up in here!!!

“The movie stars Ray Milland, Sam Elliott, Joan Van Ark, and Adam Roarke. Elliott has two “beefcake” scenes in which he removes his shirt and these scenes reportedly helped earn him the title role in the 1976 movie, Lifeguard.”

Tense scene … the ecologist hero is alone in the bog, researching frogs. Now he sees dead frogs … and a can of POISON. Basically, what I think’s happening is that the rich fat asshole with the mansion and all the ne’er do well lazy kids is poisoning all the animals so he can sit on his fat ass in peace and quiet … meanwhile, the frogs are getting ready for an insurrection. That’s my prediction.

DEAD HUMAN BODY ALERT … developing … must credit “Frogs” …

“Frogs was not well received by film critics. Reviews of the film were mixed, and a more recent collation of reviews on Rotten Tomatoes has earned Frogs a “rotten” rating of 21% as of October, 2009.”

Whatever, I’m feeling Frogs. The rich patriarch just said: “You’re right, though, that frog’s gigantic.”

“It seems everyone in our family is all hung up on frogs.” That’s a line of dialogue from the movie … but it also applies to my real life as of right now.

Another great line just dropped: “With all this technology and all my money we still can’t get rid of all these frogs.”

Guys, I think I’m finally ready to make my movie recommendation of the day.

It’s a film from 1972. Directed by George McCowan.

The film … is called “Frogs.”

This film is working on about eleven different levels right now. Look at that shirt!!! It’s one of those special 1970s shirts that doesn’t button all the way up.

FROGS

Another shot of a big frog. My dad: “Let’s get on with it.” LOL, he’s totally ready for some frogs to start MURDERING some rich eco-polluters.