Minute To Win It Liveblogging, Part I

8:29 PM We’re back … and the alpha-twin completed the rubber-band challenge. It was for $10,000– not $50,000, as I irresponsibly surmised minutes ago. Now they move on to the $50,000 challenge, which is … “Speed Eraser.” Oh snap, a pencil-related challenge!!! HELL yes. They have to bounce pencils into buckets using the bounciness typical of erasers. “Color me riveted.”

8:28 PM You know what was a good show, at least according to my fuzzy memory? “The Wonder Years.” I feel like that dude learned a lesson on every show.

8:27 PM In ten years, this kid in the Oreo commercial will star in a Noah Baumbach movie about a college DJ who builds dioramas about his parents’ divorce.

8:25 PM This is a commercial about a woman whose wedding was just days away, and then she realized her smile wasn’t white enough, so she bought “Crest White Strips” to make her teeth look nicer. You know what? I can believe that happened. Stuff like that happens every day; just because it’s not on the front page of the newspaper doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

8:24 PM Just look at all those rubber bands. They look like tiny loops of spaghetti on the floor. Whoa, that woman was really excited about him knocking over that card with the rubber band? Did you see her jumping around? Okay, that was the most irresponsible, artless, manipulative cutaway in MTWI history– and that’s saying something. Now I gotta watch some Mazda commercial, all the while wondering if he knocked over that last playing card.

8:22 PM Level Four Challenge: Sharp Shooter. Shoot playing cards with rubber bands. Oh man, not to get distracted, but something smells good outside. Is my neighbor grilling something? I want to know, but on the other hand, I can’t miss this challenge because it’s worth $50,000 (I think). Now the twins are talking about who should take up the rubber-band challenge. Guys watching at home, can we agree the twin in the blue shirt is the alpha twin? He seems to talk more than the other twin.

8:20 PM Blow red ping-pong balls (ppb) off the tray, while keeping the yellow ppb on the tray. “Watch those yellows … softer blow, softer blow!” Damn, he crushed it. Five grand in the bank. Happy music bumpin’, Guy Fieri yellin’, David Rees livebloggin’, it doesn’t get any more regular than this.

8:19 PM These twins are the kind of guys where I can’t tell if they’re 25 or 40. They have the eyes of youth, but the muscles of men. Does that make me sound like Percy Blythe Shelly(sp)?

8:16 PM Instant Commercial Grades:
JC Penney’s Sale: D (borrrring, you’re not Macy’s so don’t try)
Pizza Hut 50-cent Wing Wednesdays: B-
Yoplait Yogurt With Fruit In It: B+ (trippy strawberry yogurt ocean)
Swiffer, the space-age mop that’s putting regular mops out of business: C (Funny mop commercial?)
Emmy Awards With Jummy Fallon: C
Lifetime Movie About A Woman And Murderous Teens, Those No-Good Dirty Teens: A+ (It’s called “Bond of Silence”)
Nissan’s Bottom Line Sales Event: C (“Ah, the banality of Nissan sales commercials.” [Said in weary professor voice])

8:13 PM Okay, this challenge rules. There are 5,000 ping-pong balls on a pizza-pie pan and you have to blow all of them off except for three yellow ping-pong balls. “Guy Fieri, on behalf of the North American ping-pong ball manufacturers, we would like to present you with this lifetime achievement award for supporting ping-pong balls.” Okay, I was so busy being silly I kinda missed when they introduced the twins’ families. Sorry, I let you guys down with that one. All I know is one of ’em has a stepson named Iggy Pop(?!?!) and the other one has a girlfriend he is obviously going to propose to later in the show.

8:12 PM Wait, is this called Egg Dance or Egg Dump? In any case, the guy completed the level! $2,500 in his pocket. Now he’s doing the “Angry-guy-who-is-actually-happy-clap.” Do you know that move? This guy is doing it hard.

8:10 PM Okay, in Egg Dump, they have to run around with some eggs on a tray. And no, I don’t mean SCRAMBLED eggs, I mean … eggs-eggs. (ie, in their natural state like when they come out of the bird). These twins are the kinds of guys who make me feel two inches tall and really nervous, like I’m going to get punched for reading the wrong blogs.

8:07 PM Instant commercial grades:

MACY’S ONE-DAY SALE: C (looks like a good sale)
The Switch (a movie): B (I think it’s a comedy about getting pregnant incorrectly)
McDonalds: C+ (First-person shooter with burrito? Confusing.)
Mun2 “The Look”: D (Because I couldn’t tell what the product was)
The Apprentice Television Program Starring the Indomitable Donald Trump: A+ (what can I say? He’s gonna drag this nation out of the recession kicking and screaming)

8:06 PM Whoa, the second twin just destroyed that challenge. He totally “faced” his brother. (By “brother,” I mean “other twin.”) Okay guys, the enthusiasm feels a wee little bit off to me. Next challenge: EGG DUMPS.

8:05 PM If I was a licensed psychotherapist, instead of just a hobbyist, I would say these twins have a lot of enthusiasm, but that they need a fashion consultation.

8:04 PM This challenge involves whiffle (wiffle?) balls and baskets. And this contestant really stinks at it. Ladies and gentlemen, we might be witness to twin murder this evening, in which one twin murders the other twin because he couldn’t do the thing with the thing.

8:03 PM Is Guy wearing the same shirt as last week? The eggplant number with the British(?) style cuffs? “I never forget a shirt,” that’s my motto. I’m a bit of a fashion hound, if you don’t know. And yes, I am wearing ALL my favorite brands right now.

8:02 PM “I think if we started with enthusiasm points, you guys would already have a million.” –Guy Fieri, once again exaggerating for rhetorical impact. If I hosted MTWI, this wouldn’t happen. Okay, the twins are ready to go with their first challenge.

8:01 PM Hooray! It’s Minute to Win It’s twin edition! Two twins will compete together and try for a million dollars! Guys at home, guess which twin’s hairstyle I like more? It’s a free guessing game.

8:00 PM We meet again, Guy Fieri. May God have mercy on your soul.

7:59 PM Good backpack commercial. Oh! They sell shoes, too. This business is called “Sports Authority.” They have the authority to sell backpacks and shoes.

7:58 PM Liveblogging speed test: fasflkj;lkvjad f;lkasjdf;dlkfj a;dslkfj asd;flk jasdf;lk asjf;ksj df;akdj fas;kldf jas;dlfjk as;dfklj sa;dlfkj asdf;klajs ;dlkfjga;slkfj adfl;kj … Yeah, we got this! I typed all that in less than 20 seconds.

7:50 PM In ten minutes our favorite show, which is called “Minute to Win It,” will start. The sky looks amazing right now. Everything is salmon-colored: the lawn, the clouds, the flowers … even the blogs. That means tonight’s liveblog will be as beautiful as salmon (the fish) itself … (You see, I believe in signs and symbols.)