9:06 PM LATE-BREAKING NEWS: This show called America’s Got Talent is amazing! “And that’s the news from Lake Woebegyone.”
8:57 PM This show is inside my head now. I want Nathan to win it! But oh no! Game over! They won $250,000. And also they won our hearts, and that’s worth more than money. (Just kidding, money rules everything! C.R.E.A.M.) See you next week! I’ll be liveblogging MTWI from North Carolina; it’ll be amazing!
8:55 PM They’ve switched: Now Chelsea is doing the spoon game. She took off her jacket — she’s wearing a 25th century exercise outfit from Moon-Base Alpha. Uh-oh! They failed again! Maybe they won’t win the million bucks … my credibility as a Minute to Win It sage is in jeopardy …
8:54 PM They should call this show “Redundant Interview Showcase.”
8:53 PM Come on, Nathan. Use the spoon to hit the marbles, or whatever. Umm… wait, this looks easy to me. Ugh. One fell off the table. “Level 9, FAILED.” Only two lives remaining — then the contestants are literally murdered.
8:49 PM Oh great, the Million Dollar Mission: “Super Coin, the Game That Can Never Be Won By Any Mortal.” Oh shit, though: I really, really, really like this audience contestant. “Big D.” Oh shit, I just dropped a literal LOL on this kid. Please, please, please, “Big D,” win this insanely impossible challenge!!!
8:47 PM I’m going to kill whoever decided to use “Free To Be You And Me” in a Target commercial. We all hate Target now, right? I mean, they’re supporting some dickhead homophobe politician, right? What’s the difference between Target and Wal-Mart? (Serious question.)
8:45 PM My Nathan-verdict it in: Back tattoos, not hair. Now he’s gotta mess with this spoon for $500,000. “Get rich or die tryin’.” Eat, Pray, Love trailer alert! Wouldn’t it have been funny if they named it “Eat, Pray, Or Love, You May Only Choose One”?
8:44 PM Nice! This challenge is like pinball, but with spoons and marbles. I think Chelsea whitened her teeth. Does everybody do that now?
8:43 PM Get that money!!!!!!!
8:40 PM Horseshoe blowing game begins … NOW! Gaydar readings are off the charts right now. (Those watching at home know what I mean.) He’s about to win $250,000! DONE. They’re winning a million bucks. I will bet anyone a million bucks about that. The producers aren’t dumb. Somebody’s gotta win big. Nathan is going BUCK right now; he’s so excited. We’re having a complete reality breakdown right now on the TV.
8:36 PM This is for a quarter-million dollars. Go Nathan! Do the thing with the horseshoes! Oh wait, first we have a commercial. Instant commercial grades begins now:
SHOUT COLOR CATCHER: C+
DUNKIN’ DONUTS ICE MOCHA BEVERAGES: C-
ORAL-B TOOTHBRUSH: B+ (the music is good, the setting is a little surreal. One of my favorite toothbrush commercials)
APPLEBEE’S: B (A “B” for Applebee’s, how ironic is that?)
SAMSUNG GALAXY S: D+ (You’re really gonna watch Avatar on a phone? Please.)
HYUNDAI UNCENSORED: A+ Fuck yeah, I’m feeeeeeling this commercial! Secret cameras in Hyundais, and they show us footage of people being like, “Goddamn I love this fucking Hyundai!” That’s like my favorite kind of thing in the world, it’s like the Friday Face-Offs of car commercials.
8:35 PM Now they have to mess around with some horseshoes. They have to blow a ball into a horseshoe, I think. SIDE NOTE: Goddamn Nathan’s biceps are looking gyooood tonight.
8:34 PM Sometimes I find Minute to Win It a little emotionally manipulative. I wish Werner Herzog would direct an episode.