Minute To Win It Liveblogging, Part I

8:30 PM Does Nathan have a back tattoo or just a hairy back? I can’t tell. Can someone in the studio audience te– HOLD ON wait a minute Nathan is talking about his time in the military. Is it DADT? Oh wait no, it’s about his dad died of cancer. Oh shit, these dudes are TOTALLY gonna win a million dollars. I can’t call this hard enough. Oh wait, his dad is still alive? I’m confused about his personal story. Oh shit Guy Fieri is upping the ante by talking about how his sister has cancer? We’re on some high-drama ish right now! This ish is getting sooo intense! Music is tugging the heartstrings right now!!! We’re about to see some people win a cool million or my name isn’t “World’s Greatest Minute to Win It Liveblogger …”

8:29 PM Okay. I’m going into Sy Hersh mode again. The producers are stacking it so these guys win a millie. They just did a damn cereal box puzzle in like 20 seconds.

8:25 PM Outsourced, the hot new comedy that I have now seen 100 ads for, will be a big hot huge failure (my prediction).

8:22 PM My new liveblog feature is called “Instant Commercial Grades.” It begins now.
LOWE’S AD: A- (I love the woman in this ad) /
CREST PRO HEALTH TOOTHPASTE AD: F (Booooorrrrrrriiiinnngggg)

8:21 PM This challenge is called “The Goat-Carcass Scramble.” They have to rearrange all the body parts of a dead goat. (“Fake challenge joke” never gets old for me.)

8:20 PM Why are her shorts so short and tight? Is that the style for game-show contestants? You never saw that on $ale of the Century (one of my all time faves).

8:17 PM I can’t tell WHAT the hell this $75,000 challenge is about. It’s called “Layin’ Track.” I hope they have to lay down a hot track over a Prince Paul beat. Freestyle rap battle begins now! You have to rap a whole song in one minute! Just kidding, what they have to do is create a track made out of staples and use it to guide a marble over some erasers. Basically, somebody was smoking some “hurb” in the office and got reaaaaally nice ‘n’ baked and developed this game, right? This show is about smoking drugs and winning money. I bet the executive producer is secretly Lil Wayne. Anyway, guess what? Chelsea just cold-won $75,000! These two contestants are gonna win a goddamn million dollars tonight — I’m calling it now.

8:16 PM Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was arrested! I didn’t know “Having a huge douchebag for a father” was a crime …

8:15 PM Hell yes! It’s about time Stop & Shop got a good commercial. It’s a pretty jamming supermarket.

8:14 PM That Wheat Thins commercial was basically my ultimate fantasy. Some guy shows up at your house and drops off 10,000 boxes of Wheat Thins? “Where do I sign up?”

8:13 PM I’m going to run to the kitchen and grab a bottle of beer. I’ll be right back. Email me if something insane happens in the next 30 seconds, beginning …. NOW.

8:10 PM Umm … could this challenge be any easier? Chelsea and Nathan are straight dominating right now. Who thought this was an appropriate $50,000 challenge? Somebody’s head better be on the chopping block for that. That was like a $40.92 challenge!!! Oh snap, it’s time to learn about the contestants’ families. Chelsea is a “daddy’s girl,” and Nathan is a soldier. But you know what? I just heard a tingle on my ol’ gaydar. I think Nathan might be gay. That means Chelsea and Nathan won’t get married! And goddamn, their parents still look younger than me, even a week later! (Because remember when I mentioned that last week?)

8:08 PM Oh, for God’s sake, stop promoting the Million Dollar Coin-Flip Challenge, we all know nobody will ever win it. Anyway, back to “Bouncer,” which involves ping-pong balls and pint glasses. You can play this game at home, just text 23592 to “MinuteWinIt” and Guy Fieri will drive to your house and eat your nachos while you play.

8:07 PM That was a pretty effective McDonald’s commercial. It was about going to Mickey D’s and buying a frappe and drinking it all by yourself: “Me Time.”

8:05 PM Next contest is called “BOUNCER.” Aaaaand … immediately go to commercial. I’d love to know how much crack cocaine the editors of this show smoke every day. Fifty pounds per editor? Mixed with Gatorade Frost for extreme high-energy madness?

8:04 PM Gotta admit my arch-enemy Guy Fieri is shining right now, revealing the can-tab-amount-stickers. Milk it, Guy! Loving this — Chelsea and Nathan (sorry, “Nate”) just won $10,000! I hope they win a million dollars and spend it all on a completely crazy wedding.

8:03 PM Umm, did Chelsea just call Nathan “Nate?” That implies a certain shall we say familiarity, a certain EROTIC KNOWLEDGE that is without precedence on Minute to Win It … can he sort the cans in time? SEX IS IN THE AIR ON MINUTE TO WIN IT, IF YOU ASK ME …

8:01 PM This challenge involves soda cans filled with coins. They must sort (or “file”) the cans. I would CRUSH this event b/c I love sorting and filing. I even used to make cartoons about it. (Ask my grandmama, she’ll tell you all about it. It was back in the dial-up days.) Here goes Nathan …

8:00:45 PM Chelsea and Nathan are BACK! My favorite contestants are deeeeeep in the game at this point … I predict love in their future, if not wedding bells! I love these guys, I hope I can liveblog their wedding. (Did I tell you about my new business plan? Wedding Liveblogger. Call me for my rates.)

8:00 PM Here we go! Another summer Wednesday … another episode of “Minute to Win It” … another liveblogging spectacular NOW IN HIGH-DEFINITION INTERNET… I love it, you love it, and America (our country) loves it …