Is there anything worse than trying to watch the big game at your local sports bar, and you can’t even hear the TV because some idiot is blasting Vivaldi on the juke box? “Hey everybody, listen to how the violins go dee-dee-do-dee and the trumpets go brawk-brawk-brpppt!”

Arggghh it makes me so angry! The next person who says “harpsichord” is gonna get a fist sandwich in their eye.

My friend and I were watching the Final Four at Bill’s Sports Oasis last year, and we couldn’t follow the game because it was “Gustav Mahler Night” (sponsored by Corona), so they were blasting this angry, intense symphony bullshit at ear-splitting volume! “We get it, Gustav: you couldn’t get laid. Boo-hoo.”

I wish I had thought to bring my (NEAR-MINT) CLASSICAL MUSIC DISRUPTOR/ELIMINATOR! Then, with the mere switch of a button, I could have shut down all classical music (live OR recorded) within 5 miles!

If you hate classical music, you can’t afford to live without this device. Note: This is one of the original, coal-powered models, so make sure you have lots of coal handy, or you won’t be disrupting shit.