Learn Your Dinosaurs.

Sarah Palin contends that dinosaurs lived about 6,000 years ago. My own research has convinced me that they actually lived 8,000 years ago, but that’s the type of quantitative disagreement that is to be expected in the scientific community. At some point, we’ll have the definitive answer . . . maybe after we build a large hadron collider of prayer and smash prayers into each other at ten times the speed of light in order to learn the secrets of the universe.

In any event, whether they lived 6,000 years ago or 8,000 years ago, it’s important to know your dinosaurs. After all, they could be raptured just as easily as humans, and you wouldn’t want to be up in Heaven hanging out with some fellow Christians and then have a triceratops waddle over and be all like, “Hey guys, what’s going on?” and you and your friends are all like, “Umm . . . nice horns . . . LOL, didn’t expect to see Jews up here!” and then the triceratops is like, “LOL, I’m a triceratops, a famous kind of dinosaur; didn’t you learn your dinosaurs?” and then you’ll feel sad like, “Boo-hoo, why didn’t I learn my dinosaurs back on earth?”


Dinosaurs are incredibly, incredibly freaky-looking. Dinosaurs are uglier than regular animals. God designed the regular animals; Satan designed the dinosaurs. In fact, “Dinosaur” is Latin for “Satan designed this ugly sonuvabitch.” Dinosaurs had slimy skin. Dinosaurs had little beady eyes (that’s how we know they were dumb). A dinosaur’s diet consisted mainly of plants and cavemen.

More dinosaurs facts soon!

(You can buy a replica of the fossil pictured above here.)

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