State lotteries are great tools for financial empowerment. The key is to win one. I can help you do that. Please bring your used scratch tickets to next week’s lecture; I’ll help you figure out what you did wrong and why you didn’t win.
Uncategorized
‘Alaska, You Have My Heart.’
What’s up? Anybody seen any good videos lately?
Any … umm … normal videos, made by normal people?
Uncategorized
A Little Braggin’
Hey guys, you know I don’t use this web site to brag … nobody wants to read a braggy blogger … but let me brag for one second and announce that my wife has a poem in the new issue of FENCE magazine! (One of the hottest literary journals around, twenty times better than NEWSWEEK.)
Anyway, the poem is wild and awesome. It’s on page 18, aka “The Page of Champions.”
We went to Barnes & Noble yesterday to see if the issue was out yet, and the kid was like, “I never heard of that magazine,” and I was like, “You will, punk!” And then today the issue came in the mail!
Another psychic experience from yours truly.
Uncategorized
Baseballs Of Coleman
Thinking of starting a new band called “Baseballs of Coleman.” It would be a power trio consisting of myself (me) and two other people. Our songs would mostly be about the travesty going on in Minnesota, vis a vis activist judges deciding who wins elections and who loses elections, instead of letting the voters decide.
(The “Baseballs” in the name refers to the fact that our first video will be shot at the Romney sky box at Red Sox Field, after I win the essay contest.)
Our first song will be called, “Minnesota Voters, Rise Up and Be Counted.” I predict it will peak at #1 on the pop charts.
Uncategorized
First Live Event In Months
Hello, just wanted to let my reader(s) know about an exciting event coming up, my first live appearance in over 6 months.
I’m going to give a lecture at Pete’s Candy Store in Brooklyn. The lecture will be about how to win the lottery, how to play the numbers, how to choose winning scratch tickets, etc.
This lecture will empower you to make money.
More details soon …
Uncategorized
Why Is Norm Coleman Giving Up?
If you’re like me, you don’t live in Minnesota. And yet you love and respect Norm Coleman because of his integrity and because of how his face looks, especially around the mouth area.
And if you’re like me, you wanted Norm to fight Al Franken all the way to the United States Supreme Court — and if that didn’t work out, all the way to the United Nations Emergency Court — and if that didn’t work out, all the way to the Thunderdome Court, where two men enter and one man leaves and the other man just stays in the Thunderdome.
Why is Norm Coleman giving up? Is this what our forefathers fought for? Is this what our neighbors are getting shot at in Iraq for? Is this what our future children’s friends will be getting attacked at from Chinese hillsides because of and/or for???
Where does it end? Will we stop having elections altogether, and just automatically let comedians and TV cocaine-heads be seated in Congress?
Where is the outrage? Meet me on the corner of Lafayette St. and 9th St. and I will SHOW YOU WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE.
FFO: WEEK 16, Uncategorized
Friday Face-Offs: “I Want You Back” — WINNER!
Somewhere out in the world exists a VHS tape of my friend and me performing a fully choreographed dance to “I Want You Back” in his living room. Were we 11 years old? NO. We were in high school.
Something about this song has always made me giddy and joyful. I could give you a moment-by-moment, running commentary on every awesome thing that happens during “I Want You Back,” from the bass lick (sampled by Kriss Kross in “Jump,” people don’t realize that but it’s one of the all-time great samples), to the four snare shots that bring you out of the bridge, to Tito’s tortured “Let me live again!” I can’t imagine a more exciting pop song.
We’ll let this guy serve as a proxy for everyone who’s ever sung along, danced, or smiled to “I Want You Back.” I love his enthusiasm and exuberance, because that’s what pop music is all about, and that’s what “I Want You Back” has always meant to me, and the Jackson 5 were totally amazing and I used to rock their greatest hits cassette when I was weeding my parents’ garden back in the day.
Also, when Michael Jackson first performed “Man in the Mirror” at the Grammys, do you remember that? Because it definitely wasn’t very incredible. What was that?
FFFFFFFFRIDAY FFFFFFFFFACE-OFFS!!!
FFO: WEEK 16
Friday Face-Offs: “I Want You Back” – 2nd Place
This is the one that got to me.
It’s a beautiful arrangement — the harmony on the chorus is a heartbreaker — but even more than that:
Look at that little guy there, sleeping in the back seat.
Who knows what that child had seen?
Who knows what he would go on to see?
Rest in peace.
Friday Face-Offs. Winning video is next.
FFO: WEEK 16
Friday Face-Offs: “I Want You Back” – 3rd Place
Hmm … does the beginning of this video get me very pumped to see what’s about to happen? “Slide 24,” am I very excited about that?
At first I was confused about the beeps; then I realized the video was preemptively bleeping out the “Fuck yeahs!” I was yelling at the screen.
LOL, does this woman know very much about flags and waving flags and “Slide 22’s” and whatnot? What is she talking about?
HONORABLE MENTION:
Anybody chillin’ very hard in this video? LOL, why don’t you spend six years getting a PhD and get back to me, because that’s the only way you’ll be able to figure out if anyone is chillin’ in this video.