Everybody please charter a bus and come to this show! You can crash at my cabin afterwards.

Hooray, can’t wait for Saturday night! The LOLs will ring out across the lower Hudson Valley …

Howdy! I’m not in the wine store today … it’s the busy season what with the holidays, so the owners have decided to be in the shop every day.

I’m at home right now, listening to the radio and wondering what to do with my life … sniff, sniff, wine store, I miss you … I miss all your beautiful bottles … of wine (of course) … how will my beloved customers fare without me? … how will they know which wines are red and which ones are white … I need a new gig … who runs a wine store that I can work in? … I’ll email my resume … it will be SCENTED WITH WINE …

Hey guys, sorry for the light blogging recently.

I’ve started a new series over at True/Slant called “Punchline Poll.” It’s a democratically valid way of writing jokes! I’d really appreciate it if you’d participate and forward to your friends. Thanks!

Talk soon,
David

Yowch! “That’s gotta hurt.”

For those who are tired of my wine-blogging and yearn for the cudgel-over-the-head subtlety and featherweight wit of my political musings, go here.

Greetings from Wine-Shop City, USA! I just had my first customer of the day … they bought a whole case of wine! “I gotta feeling … that tonight’s gonna be a good night …” (Sing in Black-Eyed Peas voice.)

Hold on to your hats … we might put on another Beacon comedy show … Hudson valley, get ready for laughs … check this site for more details … check it 10 times per hour for details … more information coming soon …

Reader MR has some questions about wine. I have some answers about wine. Let’s get to it!

Dear David,
could you please help your readers out with some wine-problems? For those of us who did not go to master sommelier school, it can be challenging to know which wines to pair with which things, for example. Some recent conundrums in my own life have caused me no end of social embarrassment and emotional despair, to whit:

– what wine goes with burritos?

Red wine from Mexico. NEXT!

– what wine says “I am classy but not pretentious but not too girly but I know how to party but not too much” to your guests?

Are you kidding? Could the answer be “Merlot” any harder??? MERLOT MERLOT MERLOT. Next!

– can you have guests over just for wine (i.e. no dinner)?

Umm … only if you want everyone to love you and think you’re the greatest genius of all time! Next!

– can you serve red and white wine together (in the same glass)?

Yes, this can be done. It’s called “Sex on the Beach.”

– if one of your guests asks “what kind of wine is this,” what should you say?

You should say, “It’s the wine you’re drinking, and isn’t it lovely?”

– is it true that red wine causes nightmares?

Only if you’ve been raised by a coven of maniacs who convince you it’s literally the blood of a crucified man-god. (KIDDING!)

Thanks very much in advance for your help. I always look forward to “Wine Store Mondays” because I have a lot of questions about wine and I haven’t been able to get them answered in any other venue.

My pleasure! One of my favorite things about blogging is the ability to answer any and all questions that anyone asks me about anything.

Reader MC just lobbed this over the firewall and into the ol’ inbox:

Holy fucking shit dude, today’s Wine Store Monday has the throttle wide open and is burning rubber in all four gears (five if you count reverse), mashing the gas pedal like it’s grape-stomping day down at the vineyard. It’s official: Wine Store Monday is racing for slips.

IT MAY BE A JOBLESS RECOVERY, BUT IT’S SURE NOT A WINELESS RECOVERY.

You got that right! And by the way, since my last blog post? I SOLD SOME WINE. I had a customer rush in and buy a bottle of white wine(?!?) and then rush right back out and get on with her day … “All business, no time for small talk, let’s make this wine-transaction smooth like Sade.” Done and done!

Four hours left, people … let’s get that wine … let’s blow the doors off this joint …