yeah, what is up with those tiny spatulas? sure, they’re a dollar, but they’re all small and smelly and shit.

You can’t stop a dollar-store spatula! KSM, get ready … you’re about to get SPATULATED.

No mention of the dollar store yet … that’ll change soon …

ARGGGH why is County Executive Ed. Diana being such a punk??? “We can’t try them here; it’s too painful… I’ll block the roads …” C’mon dude, it’s called JUSTICE, let’s just DO IT.

KSM… this is your worst nightmare!

Guys, that place is huge. We could fit a bunch of journalists and security personnel in there. There’s lots of parking (for some reason, it’s one of those strip malls with like five shops and 500,000 parking spaces); good restaurants nearby (only a few minutes’ drive from all those fancy restaurants on the river); and it’s right off I-84.

But the real reason to try KSM in a dollar store is: BUSTED. He’ll be so ashamed! He’s probably hoping we try him in the biggest courtroom ever, or the sketchiest, most claustrophobic tribunal ever. Either way, he gets to be the big martyr-hero guy: “Ooh, look at what a bad-ass I am; look at where they’re holding my trial.”

But if we put his ass on trial in a dollar store? He’s hurting. That’s gotta be a harsh blow to the ego. A dollar store? Hell yeah. He’ll be like, “What is this? Some kind of special courtroom where you only try the toughest bad-asses?” And we’re like, “No, it’s a goddamn dollar store, you goof. Look, do you want a wack-ass, stinky-smelling spatula from China that’s like 3/4 the size of a normal spatula? I’ll buy it for you because it ONLY COSTS A DOLLAR.”

Let’s draft a petition and get this started!

What about that weird abandoned restaurant (I think it’s called “Mom’s”) at the bottom of the hill when you turn off to go that mini-mall where the dollar store is? (Same exist where you pick up Rte. 300, I think.)

LET’S DO THIS!

KSM, we ain’t skeered. We’ll bring you to justice Newburgh style! Why is New York City acting so punky about this? I don’t get it.

Are you kidding? We could try KSM at Adams Fairacre Farms on RTE 300! Dude, have you seen how big that grocery store is?

Please, please, Heavenly Father, let this happen. I live right near Newburgh and I’ll live-blog the trial!

That’s my word.

In fact, now that I think of it, why not give the job of Chairman of the Federal Reserve to Beyonce? I bet she could do as good a job as Bernanke. I mean, how hard can it be to keep unemployment in the double digits? I bet I could do that. Plus I can fill out a Brooks Brothers suit as well as anyone, believe that.

But seriously, guys, this telethon is gonna be amazing. I’m looking for a juggler and an R-rated hypnotist and a bear that can ride a bicycle. And Coldplay. If you have any leads, let me know. The future of the stock market depends on it!

Because OMG what happens to the stock market if Bernanke doesn’t get confirmed? It’ll go down lower and lower and lower until there’s no more money left and people might lose their jobs!

WE’RE DOING IT IN 2010!!!

2. What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs wearing a sombrero? I don’t know, but whatever you call it, it’s got about 1,000% more fight in it than these jackass Democrats.

3. A member of the House Democratic Caucus goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you have a broken foot. The good news is, you’re a congressman, which means you have health insurance, which means you’ll be able to get treatment without going totally bankrupt, unlike many of your constituents, who you are actively betraying by thinking only of your electoral prospects. And also,” the doctor continued, “I can’t believe you actually broke your foot by jumping off a bridge just because a Republican told you to. What kind of spineless loser are you? Get out of my office. I can’t stand to look at you.”

4. The entire United States Senate is flying on a plane when its engines start to fail. The plane starts falling through the sky. There are 100 senators on board, but only 41 parachutes. The Democrats say, “Let’s give all the parachutes to the Republicans—that way we can just sit on our fat asses and die while the plane crashes because we’re a bunch of self-hating pussies.”

5. Little Johnny Congressman (D) was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to go pee!” The teacher replied, “Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The proper word is ‘urinate.’ Use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will let you go.” Little Johnny thought for a bit, then said, “If a Republican wanted to urinate on me, I would let him because I have no self-respect.”

The fact is it is the job of elected officials to pass legislation, not to get reelected. The Democrats are waving a white flag three feet from the finish line in the hopes that they might keep their seats. It’s one thing for Republicans to oppose it–many genuinely believe it will do more harm than good. But Democrats know how many people this bill will help, and they are now refusing to pass it out of a misguided sense of self-preservation. This is an unconscionable act of selfish political cowardice–it’s disgusting, and it won’t help them one bit when the base stays home in November because Democrats are too scared to legislate even when they have the largest Senate majority since the 1970s. Greg Sargent says there’s still a chance the Democrats could get it together and pass the bill–but if they don’t, they shouldn’t expect Democratic donors or voters to turn out come election time.

Fucking pass the fucking bill already.

Letting this process die is, of course, the worst of all worlds. Democrats have 59 votes in the Senate and almost 260 votes in the House. They brought their bill to the one-yard line before Scott Brown forced a fumble. Proving yourself unable to govern in that scenario is proving yourself unable to govern. Moreover, it would be staggeringly cruel to the people that this bill is meant to help, and who need this bill’s help. Covering 30 million and protecting countless millions more is not just a talking point. It’s the reason for this whole enterprise. To abandon those people because Brown won in Massachusetts is simply indecent, and would prove the Democratic Party worse than ineffective. It would prove the party unconcerned.

It feels like some Democrats are relieved that Brown won … because it gives them permission to bail on healthcare. Weird. Why bother getting elected?

Please click here to read the joke and vote on your favorite punchline. Change can’t happen without you.

I haven’t followed TPM as closely in the past year, but I re-activated my ol’ “TPM-refresh-finger” during the MA election and I gotta say–I feel a new Golden Age coming on. Josh Micah Marshall is SO PISSED about Coakley’s loss and the Congressional Democrats’ punk-ass reaction (ie, “Let’s give up on health-care reform as soon as possible”). JMM ain’t having it.

And now, this dispatch from JMM re: TPM’s editorial meeting:

We’re currently having our daily afternoon editorial meeting. And man, I don’t think I’ve ever heard so much sarcasm, biting comments and just hilarity of a painful sort. Mainly coming from me.

Oh, snap! NEW GOLDEN AGE THROWING DOWN STARTING NOW. Fuck it, let’s do this. I’ve got a half a mind to start making political cartoons again. If JMM is suiting up, maybe I will too!

GOLDEN AGE

This week’s PUNCHLINE POLL has just been posted over at True/Slant. This week’s joke is called “Martha Coakley Goes Bowling.”

Please read the joke and vote for your favorite punchline! Last week’s winning punchline (”I’m a douchebag”) seems to be a strong incumbent … can it survive another week?

Vote early, vote often! The fate of Massachusetts-electoral-politics-themed jokes rests in your hands.

It seems that years ago the Haitians wanted to be free of French colonialists, so they “got together” and swore a nationwide pact with the Devil, and the Devil agreed, saying: “Okay, it’s a deal.” And sure enough, the Devil tricked the French into leaving Haiti. Everything worked out, right? Wrong. This week the Devil sent an earthquake to punish the descendants of the Haitians who made a pact with him years ago. Or maybe God sent the earthquake, to punish the Devil. In any case, Robertson’s point is: it’s bad when nation-states enter into legally binding agreements with Satan.

Let’s set aside whether or not Pat Robertson’s earthquake theory is true (how would I know? I’m not a theologian). My question is: isn’t it a little gauche to propose it the day after the earthquake?

If Pat Robertson’s theory is true and Haitians have only themselves to blame for the earthquake, why not just table that discussion? Maybe for a week. Or a month. Or at least until the death toll is calculated, so you’ll know exactly how much blood is on the hands of those Satan-loving Haitians.

It just seems like Robertson’s theory would be more likely to gain a respectful hearing on, say, the one-year anniversary of the earthquake, rather than the one-day anniversary.

It reminds me of the aftermath of 9/11, when Robertson (with Jerry Falwell) went on TV and blamed the terror attacks on pagans and lesbians and the ACLU:

This was two days after the attacks. And again, maybe Robertson’s theory was correct– maybe God did allow 9/11 because Americans were becoming too secular and weren’t discriminating against gays enough. How would I know? I’m not St. Thomas Aquinas. In fact, since I have no interest in religion, I don’t think it’s my place to weigh in on God’s and/or Satan’s rationales for causing earthquakes and terror attacks. (Or floods or epidemics or the continued good health of certain televangelists for that matter.)

My only point is: If you want people to believe your theory, why not wait until emotions have cooled before proposing it? Trumpeting your theory in the immediate aftermath of the trauma seems a little sadistic– almost as if you enjoy rubbing people’s noses in their own misfortune.

I’m taking a break from playing “Mafia Wars”* on Facebook to remind you that this week’s Punchline Poll (“Jay Leno Will Take Your Job”) is still open! You still have time to vote (multiple times) for your favorite punchline.

You can cast your vote here.

The winning punchline advances to next week’s joke!

Thanks for your support of democracy,
David Rees
“Mr. Facebook Guy”

(*Just kidding. I’m not playing Mafia Wars. What is it, anyway? It’s scary. I guess it’s a Facebook game where you cyber-stalk people and then kill them with an animated gif? I can’t figure it out.)

2. A producer was giving Sarah Palin a tour of the Fox News studio. He pointed out the coffee machine, the restrooms, and the temperature-controlled pool where Glenn Beck’s tears are harvested. “Where’s the indoor dog track?” asked Palin. The producer was confused: “Indoor dog track?” “Yeah, I’ve heard dogs panting since I got here,” replied Palin. “Ah,” the producer said, “those aren’t panting dogs; it’s Bill Kristol. It means he’s excited to see you.”

3. Why did Sarah Palin cross the road?
Because there was an opportunity to make an ass of herself on the other side.

4. Sarah Palin was sitting in the Fox News green room, waiting to participate in another panel discussion. She had all her resources spread out in front of her: The latest issue of “Lapham’s Quarterly;” a recent Human Rights Watch report on the security situation in Afghanistan; and a dog-eared copy of Burke’s “Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontents.” (That’s it. That’s the joke.)

5. Roger Ailes watched from the Fox News control booth as Sarah Palin and Juan Williams sat on a panel discussion. First Palin said something stupid; then Williams said something stupid; then Palin said something that wasn’t even an expression of a cognitive state– it was just vowel-sounds and burbling noises. “I love this woman,” said Roger Ailes.

6. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah Palin.
So THAT explains why Rich Lowry is masturbating in my rhododendrons!

7. Sarah Palin was scheduled to appear on Fox News to use her mouth to make sounds. She arrived on set. “Where’s the other chair?” she asked. “What other chair?” asked the producer. Sarah Palin rolled her eyes: “Duh, the chair for Lynn Vincent, who tells me what to say when the movie camera is looking at me. By the way, there’s no gays working here, right?”

8. What do you call someone who expects to learn something about a topic by hearing Sarah Palin discuss it on Fox News?
You call them a cab! And then you tell the cabdriver to take that person to the State Hospital for the Mentally Insane, because they pose a danger to themselves and to our civil society– and if they protest and say, “You can’t institutionalize me just because I like how the pretty lady talks about terrorism and the economy,” you hit them over the head.

9. Timmy was watching Fox News with his grandpa. “You see, Timmy, these guys tell the truth. They don’t spin the news,” said Grandpa. Timmy said, “But, Grandpa, mommy says this channel is for sexually frustrated warmongering ideologues.” “Be quiet– the Life Alert commercial is on!” yelled Grandpa as his hands slid beneath the blanket on his lap.

10. What did the ghost of William F. Buckley, Jr. say when he saw Sarah Palin on Fox News?
I wish I was still alive, so I could call a press conference and blow my head off.

BONUS JOKE:

One day Sarah Palin made a trenchant, well-informed point on Fox News and thereby, however imperceptibly, improved the quality of discourse and collective intelligence of our great nation.

You seem nuts and it’s awesome! I’m [REDACTED]’s friend and I was complaining about being bored of the internet already at 6 in the morning and he said something about an unstoppable new fighting technique and now I wanna be your FACEBOOK FRIEND!

Aw yeah

Unfortunately I’m a girl.

Oh well

Okay, for this week only, female internet users can sign up for shifts in the MNFTIU Facebook sausage factory. Please bring your own hairnet and please be ready to discuss these topics:

1. Cans of beer, and how fun it is to drink too many of them
2. Are the Lions gonna beat the Bengals in the AFC East?
3. Remember that one night when Fat Tony ate 23 slices of pizza, and the last slice was sticking out of his throat and we were throwing peanuts at it?
4. When is Fangoria magazine gonna release a coffee table book?
5. Will Alex Rodriguez get a .452 RBI before the World Series goes on HD and can I get nachos with that?

Polls close next Friday. Vote early, vote often. (But please, don’t write computer scripts that keep auto-voting; this poll is open to humans only. Call the UN if you think that’s unfair.) Thanks so much for participating in our democratic system!

Dude I know you may want to hide your friends after realizing Facebook’s nefarious plans but for my eyes it’s too late! I already noticed something about all your friends — namely, it’s a Facebook sausage factory. Yes, you have a few female friends sprinkled about, but basically you all are doing some serious BRO-IN’ OUT. Are you going to use your “wall” (or whatever the fuck it is, I’m not on Facebook) to arrange a kegger and wear baseball caps backwards and wrestle to express your mutual affection?

What can I say? I’m a guy’s guy. I love barbecue, beer, and sports– IN THAT ORDER. I wake up listening to Foghat and I rock ‘n’ roll all day and I don’t use conditioner when I wash my hair. I’m a 100% he-dude. So it’s no wonder that most of my Facebook friends are dudes.

Look, here’s a photo of me with my friends:

We were at a release party for a new kind of buffalo wing. It was awesome! I remember, I drank eleven cups of Jack & Coke, my favorite drink. Then Tony and I got in a fight about who was the greatest boxer of all time: Mike Tyson or Horseface Jones. Man, that was a funny argument. We got thrown out of the bar and then we kicked a car just for the heck of it and the car alarm went off and we started laughing so hard. Then we repressed our emotions for years and now we’re all in therapy. NO GIRLS ALLOWED!

If you want to hide your friends list from cyber-stalkers, just click the little pencil by your friends list and un-check “Show Friend List to Everyone.”

More information here.

Will somebody please tell me what the next internet innovation will be, so I can get on it ahead of everyone else???

Look at this comment from a long-lost high school classmate:

you need some pictures on fb! what good is one shot looking up your nose?

Ouch! That’s supposed to be my “semi-professional” photo! I will have to ponder adding more photos to my Facebook. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Who knows? It’s all part of the emotional rollercoaster that is Facebook!

(One thing I don’t understand is, if you’re my Facebook friend, do you see EVERYTHING that people write to me, or only the things that are written to me by people you’re ALSO friends with on Facebook? Basically, what I want to know is, can you all read my email?)

I will accept all these friendships and then set out looking for more friends!

I LOVE FACEBOOK

If you’re a blog reader who isn’t on Facebook, don’t worry … this blog is still my #1 favorite spot on the internet. It’s the greatest thing going. But also I love Facebook. And twitter. And true/slant. And worldsgreatestcomedian.com. And urlshorteningservicefortwitter.com. I love all my babies.

Okay, that’s enough for today. Happy New Year to all, and to all a good night!

I was always one of those people who was like, “Naw, I’ll never join Facebook … it’ll probably go bankrupt in 6 months and then it’ll be abandoned …” but now I realize: Facebooks aren’t going anywhere. Everyone loves their Facebooks.

So now I am the proud owner/administrator of a Facebook page called “David Rees” (named after me). I am accepting ALL FRIEND REQUESTS FOR THIS WEEK ONLY. 10% DISCOUNT IF YOU USE CODE “MNFTIU.”

You can see it all here– on FACEBOOK!

(I’m still not totally sure how it works … it might be that you can’t see anything because you’re not listed in the computer as my friend. But if you want to be my computer-friend, send a request and I’ll honor it within 30 minutes or your next request is free.)

Thanks for a great year, everyone! See you in 2010 …

This video is like the elixir of eternal life for me.

Friday Face-Offs!!! WINNING VIDEO IS NEXT!!!

Video’s not bad, either …

Friday Face-Offs! Two more videos if it kills me!