Get ready to buy wine and read about yourself on the internet. Yes, it’s the future, just relax and enjoy it.

Thanks.

PS: Saw “Daybreakers” (futuristic zombie-vampire movie in which everyone has turned into vampires and humans are harvested for blood and they hit a “peak oil”-type of situation with human blood and scramble to synthesize a human-blood substitute and rich people drink blood out of big wine glasses and Willem Dafoe fails to act his way out of a paper bag) at the $2 theatre last night. My verdict? 2.5 bite-marks.

PPS: You should see what highschool chum and #1 fan MH is drawing in my kitchen. Holy Toledo! I will try to take an illegal photo of it and post it … (Yes, I am running a five-day micro-Yaddo for my artist friend.)

1:24 PM Oh I remember this email from that one guy. Now it’s on my desktop computer …. NOW IT’S ON MY LAPTOP

If you sent me an email in the last 30 days, I don’t have it. I’m really sorry. There were some important emails which now I am scrambling to remember before my mind goes blank.

All this to say, if you sent me a nice email message of a personal (or liveblog-feedbackery) nature, it is GONE. Please excuse the fact that I cannot reply to it, and send it again.

11:57 I did not know things like this episode of “Criminal Minds” were capable of being produced and broadcast on human television. My mind has a tummy-ache and my tears are hallucinating.

11:56 Pertomkin is still lookin’ more gobsmacked than a muhr-fahr … say what? She’s gonna let an innocent lady get electrocuted just b/c she wants to? SHOW JUST GOT EVEN MORE BETTER AND CRAZY AND Wha Tha Fah!!!! Didn’t think it was possible … “America, how did we get so awesome?”

11:55 Detective versus Prison warden versus the cops??? Does it get any better than this??? By the way, MH is about to literally fall asleep … shows how much he knows about the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen on tv …

11:54 Mandy Potamdkin looks positively gobsmacked. That is the only word for what his face looks like right now

11:53 This lady is really about to get electrocuted in the electric chair for a crime she didn’t commit just so her son can play the cello???

11:52 Fuck it, I just flipped. I like this show. This is a fun show. Lots of interesting things that are non-reality-based happen on this show. “Criminal Minds,” recognize.

11:51 PM Madwoman Mother Vs. Psychic Detective Vs. Long-Lost Son Vs. Can-the-computer-lady-find-him-on-the-database-in-time

11:46 THis prison lets cops and detectives run around with no supervision and no gameplan. It seems unrealistic to me … then again, “WhaddaIknow?”

11:45 It’s coming down to the wire, which is appropriate, because “Criminal Minds” is as good as “The Wire.”

11:42 GOT IT, CASE SOLVED: She’s gonna take the electric chair to save her son (who was alive the whole time, aka NOT murdered) from her madman partner … wait! HOLD UP! Is the madman being played by the super-creepy assassin guy from “The Untouchables???” Gack. Double-gack with a cherry on top.

11:41 PM Does this happen often? The prison warden lets a death-row inmate just wander around in the parking lot 20 minutes before they’re due to die?

11:39 PM You know what, Mandy Petemcurd? You were a Broadway star. PROJECT YOUR VOICE SO WE CAN HEAR IT … you’re mumbling harder than “Mumbly McGillicutty,” the famous detective who nobody could hear …– WTF HUH? SOme weird acting going on and also some realllly weird camera work …. HUH did these cops just time-travel on my ass?

11:38 GODDAMN is this Dr. Scholl’s foot computer-thing for real? You go to a pharmacy and step on the foot-computer and tells you what the fuck is wrong with your foot? “America, where are we going?”

11:38 PM MH: “Fuck it, it’s on, I’m getting a Bowflex.” (Umm, in about two days you’ll be calling it your “Sadflex.”)

11:37 I just had to SERIOUSLY pop MH’s bubble re: bowflex, and whether it works.

11:36 PM Haven’t seen a Bowflex ad in a dog’s age … still looking strong …

11:35 The computer-generated hotel on this Hotwire.com ad looks like a fun place to chill in.

11:34 MH: “Stop being so cryptic, you damn cryptic-ass couple” (re: Mandy Putuponkin and the Madwoman)

11:34 Mandy Perturbedcan.

11:33 PM They’re about to execute the madwoman and only Mandy Purtamken can save her … he’s inside her cell right now while she eats her last meal … the other cop is talking to the other crazy murderer … the actors are having what I call an “Out-intensity-off,” where they try to out-intensely-act each other …

11:31 PM “Criminal Minds” Commercial Quiz: Anybody try Xenadrine Ultra? Does it work? If so, what does it do?

11:30 PM That commercial we just watched was weird. it was about fake medicare or something

11:28 PM They just found a skull under a gazebo.

11:27 PM HOW DID THE CONDEMNED MADMAN WIN THE POKER GAME? Oh wait, but then he just got outsmarted by “ultimate bad-ass cop” aka “Mr. Dark Eyebrows Who Never Smiles” (that would be his Indian name)

11:24 PM Mandy Pertenkin is trying to get inside the mind of a madwoman … the mind of a murderer … and his co-workers are simultaneously trying to get inside the mind of a madman (who somehow lives in the same jail as the madwoman?) … too many people are trying to get inside too many minds of madmen and madwomen, that’s what I think the problem is right now … now Mandy Pertpumpkin is arching his eyebrows like the world’s biggest genius– did he crack the case???

11:23 PM Yahama DX-7 is OWNING this soundtrack … “Set piano sample to ‘moody batwings’ … ACTIVATE”

11:23 PM I’m fuckin’ pissed that MH stopped eating the peanuts so quickly, b/c I was living vicariously through him.

11:22 PM Criminal Minds is getting very realistic and good right now … did David Simon produce this show “Criminal Minds”? I only ask because of its high quality …

11:17 PM LOL, MH just told me about “Vaguebooking,” where you give a vague status update on their Facebook. He made some verrrrry humorous fake examples… it was 50,000 times more entertaining than this show “Criminal Ass-Suckers” oh, whoops “Criminal Minds” … hold up, we’re watching a catheter ad right now. Never seen one before … “The Liberator,” that’s the name of the catheter.

11:15 PM I’m calling it: This show sucks ass.

11:12 PM Goddamn, I think the budget for this show must be about a haypenny … maybe a quarter-farthing … or maybe a wooden nickel … basically, whatever the cheapest-ass coin of all time is– because this prison looks like you could break out of it in about 9.2 seconds … “Chain-link fence jail alert” …

11:12 PM Is the batty old lady in the sweater-vest drinking Smirnoff out of a coffee cup in the middle of the day supposed to be an alcoholic?

11:10 PM Lemme explain why I just dropped a “GACK” in the previous post: Some lady detective just looked at some old-ass ramshackle shack and did like X-ray-into-the-past vision and saw what the house used to look like AND THEY SHOWED IT ON TV, WHAT IT MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE

11:08 PM GACK THIS SHOW WENT INTO PSYCHIC-CGI MODE … is that lady a ghost whisperer or something??? America, what’s happened to us??? How did our shows get so awesome? Also, this show is some channel I’ve never seen before called “ion.” Say what? Are you a tv channel or a vitamin supplement, yo?

11:07 PM The famous Broadway singer Mandy Potemkin (sp) is on this show! He’s like the head psychologist or something! Interesting fact: In real life, Mandy Potemkin has no backside …

11:04 PM whoa whoa hold up how did MH just put away that can of peanuts after eating only three handfuls? Look at Mr. Self-Control over here, whassamatta, you don’t like my peanuts? FREE PEANUTS FOR EVERYONE WHO LOVE PEANUTS, JUST LIVEBLOG US AND WE’LL GIVE YOU THE PEANUTS

11:02 PM Now we’re watching a show called “Criminal Minds” … this is one of those shows where, if you listen to the background music for 5 seconds, you learn everything you need to know about the show, FOREVER … looks to be about a team of behavioral-analysis super-cops(?) … maybe they get inside the “Criminal’s Mind,” which is almost like the title of the show: “Criminal Minds” …

11:00 PM We canceled our cable a few months ago … only get the networks channels now … MH: “This is a dire situation” … he’s used to having free rein over million of cable channels … it’s how he can watch Law & Order forty-two times per day …

10:59 This show is gonna crash and burn, that’s my prediction … then again, I thought Avatar would win everything Sunday night, and it didn’t, so what do I know? Well, if you must ask, I know one thing, which is that if you open a can of Aunt Ruby’s Peanuts, you’re in for a world of peanuts-in-your-mouth-puttin’-em-quick-ing …

10:58 I gave blog reader SA a can of Aunt Ruby’s peanuts tonight and by the time I drove home and walked in the house there was already a message on my machine from him about how amazing the peanuts were …

10:56 MH isn’t eating as many peanuts as I would’ve thought … I myself have killed three cans in four days … which is why I’m giving away cans to friends and family … (My folks sent me some cans after we got slammed with snow and I had to do some hard-core shoveling) …

10:55 The guy from Six Feet Under is sad because his kid was just diagnosed with Asperger’s (sp) Syndrome … it’ll be okay, dude … remember how much harder your life sucked when you would hallucinate about your dead undertaker father? And your girlfriend was going crazy and doing unseemly things with her massage clients?

10:53 PM Also, MH likes reality shows: He was telling me about a documentary or a show or something he watched about a UPS shipping facility that basically was the best thing he ever saw — WAIT LOOK A PROMO FOR “MINUTE TO WIN IT,” the new show starring my arch nemesis Guy “Taking All My Fantasy Jobs” Fieri …

10:52 PM MH, on PARENTHOOD: “I’ve never seen people so happy.”

10:51 PM Whoa, one of the characters is smoking pot! Mari-jer-huana alert! I didn’t know you could smoke dope on a TV show … what’s happening to us, America? … look at how all the actors talk over each other … it’s naturlistic …

10:49 PM Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls, one of our top ten shows of all time, the immortal first seasons shall never be duplicated … now she’s on this show PARENTHOOD …. MH: “God, I’ll watch anything” …

10:47 PM I’m in liveblog heaven … I’ve always been obsessed with MH’s television watching habits … he loves Law & Order … he owns a Law & Order coffee mug, and once we wrote and recorded a song about Law & Order (lyrics: “There’s a new law / moving through the land / it’s bringing order, law’s right-hand man …”) … Now on this show we’re watching, called PARENTHOOD, there’s an awkward moment where one character calls out another character for not working, but she’s still bidding on some hot bachelor or something … basically, MH called it, like: “Uh-oh!”

10:46 PM Earlier tonight MH showed me American Idol, the singing show which I’d never watched before. What a show!

10:44 PM Buddy MH is currently holding it down with a glass of Coca-Cola and an ice-cold handful of Aunt Ruby’s peanuts (NC peanuts; best on earth) … he’s watching PARENTHOOD, the amazing new drama you saw one preview for during the Olympics … goddamn he’s just basically chillin’ soooo hard right now …

IT’S OFF THE HOOK IN HERE RIGHT NOW

White wine and red wine, what can I say?

Could there be a better time for me to sell you some wine? I don’t see how.

Let’s do this! After all, you love to buy wine, and I love to sell wine. Come, my lovely, shall we dance???

5:00 - 7:00 PM EST

Come on in and buy a bunch of wine and maybe you’ll get mentioned on this web blog!

Can you believe it? Welcome to Web Site Week.

12:02 I guess that’s it. We thank all the Hollywood stars for helping us escape the fact that life is an inexorable march towards spiritual ruin and the grave.

12:01 Steve Martin won’t let go of Bigelow’s Oscar. Leave her alone!

11:59 Well, I guess I was wrong about Hurt Locker not winning. Tom Hanks just stomped all over my theory. Hurt Locker wins the night … they own Hollywood tonight … they are the future … Katherine Bigelow is stunned …

11:58 Whoa, goddamn, he didn’t waste NO KIND OF TIME with that. Hurt Locker wins best picture

11:58 Tom Hanks is on the stage, to present an award for “Best Ten Pictures.”

11:57 Does this mean Hurt Locker wins best picture? I’m not so sure … I think we might see a little surprise in the next few minutes …

11:56 She’s a director but she looks like a movie star! She’s stoked. She’s really stoked, I bet.

11:55 BIGELOW wins best director. First woman to ever win a best director award, according to the news

11:54 Really hoping Reitman doesn’t win

11:52 Best Director award is here at last! James Cameron (Avatar) / Katherine Bigelow (Hurt Locker) / Quentin Tarantino (Bastards) / Lee Daniels (Precious) / Jason Reitman (Up in the Air) …

11:52 Here comes “Babs,” the famous Barbra Streisand, to present an award or make an announcement or something

11:50 Isn’t it about some rich lady who saves some poor kid and makes him play football all the time for her personal gain? “Moms that take care of babies and children no matter where they come from”– her summary of the film. Oh shit, something deep is happening … she’s talking about some mother-figure from her past … the lady who taught her there’s “no race, no class system” … she LIED to you, Sandra!

11:49 Do I need to see this “Blind Side” movie? It looked offensive and stupid to me.

11:48 Huh

11:48 WInner is: WTF SANDRA BULLOCK WTF WTF???

11:47 Sean Penn, Hollywood’s bad boy, is here to present the nomination for Best Women in Hollywood … I have no idea who’s winning this one (probably Streep, though, right?) …

11:45 Stanley Tucci on Meryl Streep. Look, I love Streep hard-core. Nobody conveys pleasure better than her. (Did you see in It’s Complicated, when she toked a joint and got high? It was so good.) But she doesn’t need this Oscar …

11:42 Peter Sarsgaard re: Kerry Mulligan from An Education … she looks a little too waif-y for me … did you see that Vanity Fair cover of all the “hot young hollywood starlets?” It looked like a goth-girl anorexia poster … okay, here’s the big-guns: Oprah Winfrey talking about the girl from Precious … whoa, why did Oprah call it “our movie Precious?” I thought she only came on as producer after the movie was finished? Does a producer get to drop an “our” for a movie after the fact? Hmm, I better call my Hollywood friend (Brad Pitt) and ask him …

11:40 Here come a bunch of stars to tell us about the actresses … get ready … first up? (They’re playing “Moon River,” one of my favorite melodies) … Okay, here’s Forrest Whittaker (sp) talking about Sandra Bullock … dude if Sandra wins this, we have a Code-Red upset on hour hands … somethign sounds weird on my television, like there’s a helicopter in the auditorium … okay, here’s some British dude talking about Helen Mirren, one of the sexiest ladies on earth, with no question … umm, and by the way, if you’ve never checked Helen Mirren’s twitter account, you should do that, esp. the first tweets, it couldn’t be cuter …

11:39 BEST ACTRESS montage … all the great women of Hollywood in one place … so much talent, so much star power …

11:35 Jeff Bridges is winning right now. He is winning. he is the best. I am on the other side now. He is the greatest. Give him every award in the world. Just please keep talking, Jeff Bridges! WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM STOP TALKING

11:34 Oh dude, Jeff Bridges is verrrrrry high on drugs. Could it be the drugs of victory? Or did he smoke a fat bong right before the award was announced? Or maybe he’s just a spacey-west-coast dude, and this is how he acts all the time??? OH DUDE, I JUST STARTED FEELING HIM REALLLLLY HARD … please Jeff Bridges, please please come to my next party and stand around telling me how awesome everyone is!!!

11:33 Jeff Bridges gets a standing O! He’s acting buzzed. Is he a doper? I bet he is. Acting: “A groovy profession.” Yeah, that means he smokes mary-jah-wonnah. Take your hand out of your pocket, though, brah. It looks like you don’t really care. Though, again, that could be the marijuana in his bloodstream.

11:32 And the winner is …Jeff Bridges for “Crazy Hard: A Country Porno”

11:31 Kate Winslet, now, to present the award for Best Man in Hollywood …

11:30 Colin Farrell is talking up the guy from Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner (sp)? You know what? I hope this Renner guy wins the award. Shit, I was feeling him in 28 Weeks Later, let alone Hurt Locker!

11:29 Tim Robbins talking about Morgan Freeman. Funny story that makes us all laugh … “Just guys, doing their thing.” … Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela is Oscar-bait to the 100th power, but is it enough?

11:27 Now Julienne Moore is talkign about Colin Firth and his performance in “A Single Man.” She loves him. All these actresses who are talking about their male costars are in love with them. Or is it that they’re such good actresses, they merely ACT as though they’re in love with ‘em? Am I being hornswoggled?

11:26 Now Verma Fermiglia is talking about George Clooney. They were in a movie together called “Up in the Air,” about a man who lives in an airport and kisses all the ladies … Serious question: Is George Clooney a good actor? I would like to ask a professional actor about whether George Clooney is a good actor. Damn, now she’s loving on George pretty hardcore.

11:24 behold this phalanx of unstoppable movie stars, here to present an award (I think)– Michelle Pfeiffer, telling a story about Jeff Bridges. She really likes Jeff Bridges and I think maybe they must have slept together once b/c she’s looking at him with deep affection and talking about his beautiful daughters and his strong marriage … it’s killing her, that she couldn’t have his heart …

11:23 Best actor montage … here are the greatest male performances of the year … if you have a problem with it, go to acting school and try to get your ass in a movie and win an award, that’s all I have to say

11:19 Kathy Bates just bit her tongue and talked up Avatar, the famous movie that cost all the money in the world and then made all the money in the world

11:18 Why is Alec Baldwin playing straight man to Steve Martin? That must be why he seems unhappy/bored.

11:17 LOL, I see that I typed it below as “The Secret in their Ears.” For the record, it’s “The Secret in Their Eyes.” You can’t have a secret in an ear.

11:16 WINNER IS THE SECRET IN THEIR EYES!!!! WTF, big-time! never heard of this movie in my life!!!

11:15 Nominees: (Missed the first one) / Milk of Sorrow / A Prophet (dude I am stoked to see this one, I heard it’s bad-ass) / The Secret in their Ears (special award for “Most Movie-Title Title Ever”) / White Ribbon by Ol’ Dirty Haneke

11:15 Best foreign language film with Pedro ALamxador and Quentin Tarantino…

11:14 Is Alec Baldwin happy to be here, or not? He seems pretty bored.

11:13 I think I burned my mouth on the rice and beans … could it be the heat being generated by all the Hollywood star power? …

11:12 Skechers advertisement about those shoes that have rocking chairs on the bottom so you can get in shape just by walking around

11:07 Best film editing … a bunch of nominees (the same movies you’ve been hearing about all night) … the winner is HURT LOCKER. Things are looking good for Hurt Locker tonight …

11:06 Wait a minute … did they already give the award for best supporting actor???

11:05 Tyler Perry brings the snark/bitterness. You know what, dude? You probably won’t get an Oscar, because your movies are pretty lame.

11:05 Winner is: THE COVE (about people killing dolphins and eating them)

11:04 Which Way Home (final doc nominated) and the winner is …

11:01 PM Best doc: Burma VJ / Food Inc. / The Cove of Terror / Daniel Ellsberg: The Most Dangerous Assassin in the World /

10:56 Jason Batemen here to tell us about Up in the Air. Screw it: I’m preemptively judging this movie. It just seems too perfectly middle-brow to me. I shan’t see it. I shall only see cowboy movies.

10:56 Who won for best score? I missed it.

10:55 “I can’t believe we made such an expensive movie!” (What if said that in real life?)

10:55 Avatar just won for “Best Amazing Special Effects”

10:47 Dance tribute to the best musical scores. I’m gonna heat up some rice and beans.

10:46 Oh it’s the guy from Avatar. The guy who turned into an alien in the woods.

10:45 Jennifer Lopez and some guy are hear to tell about us musical soundtracks … I think …

10:44 Hell yeah, Raymour and Flanigan commercial! My favorite place to look at furniture. For real, that’s my store

10:43 LOL, I forgot about that BMW commercial they were showing at the movies last year where they pour paint all over a BMW’s tires and then some jackass pulls donuts on a big piece of paper and it’s supposed to be artistic. That was my favorite thing to hold in contempt last year –

10:42 Commercial for a scary new tv show called “Happy Town,” on ABC. “Don’t let the name fool you.”

10:42 Cindy Crawford’s making blankets!

10:41 Do I need to finally learn the difference bewteen 3G and 4G and all that network stuff? I have a 2003 Verizon phone that you can’t do anything on, so I guess not.

10:40 Is anyone in Hollywood still alive?

10:40 “I coulda been a contender!” –he died too. SO MUCH DEATH

10:40 The guy who wrote Mr. Magoo is dead.

10:39 Jack Cardiff, a cinematographer, is dead.

10:39 Dom Deluise died.

10:38 it’s that Beatles song they sang on the last episode of Family Ties

10:38 Tribute time … whuh-oh, James Taylor is gonna sing a song to honor the dead of Hollywood

10:38 The incomparable Demi Moore is here to show us who died

10:37 You do get the sense that Hollywood is expecting James Cameron’s technical geegawry to save them all …

10:36 Avatar wins for best cinematography! I thought they didn’t use cameras in that movie or something? Or didn’t use film? (? Something technical like that?)

10:35 Cinematography: Avatar / Harry Potter / Hurt Locker / Ingl. Basterds / White Ribbon(!?!)

10:34 We’re back at the Oscars! Hollywood’s night to shine … here comes Sandra Bullock as introduced by smarmy white-head Steve Martin … “Boo-hoo, Sandra Bullock doesn’t contribute to Shouts & Murmurs so I can be snarky about her”

10:33 Oh snap, that british chef is about to make everybody get skinny and eat vegetables? DO THIS

10:32 “Choose Celibacy, Not Yaz.” That’s my new motto to all ladies.

10:32 Are you kidding me, they really made a birth-control pill called “Yaz?” Hoo boy.

10:31 This commercial is about throwing away your Coke and then somebody else drinks it because it’s liquid garbage

10:30 Coming up: Sandra Bullock and the hottest dance troupe on TV

10:29 Am I the only one who literally could not bring himself to see this movie because of Brad Pitt’s voice?

10:29 John Travolta is about to describe Ingloirous Bedheads …

10:28 The lady from 40 Year Old Virgin is about to announce some technical awards …

10:26 Whoa whoa slow down they already got another list of nominees going … what award is this? I check Ebert’s twitter feed for ten seconds and now I’m lost … the Hurt Locker just won AGAIN, the guy is giving back-to-back speeches!!! That is fuckin soooo bad-ass. This must be another sound-related award: Ah, Sound Mixing award! “This is the crowning achievement of my career” — classiest thing to say during your Oscars acceptance speech

10:24 best sound noms: Avatar/hurt locker/inglor. basterds/SOMETHING I MISSED/ Up … winner is HURT LOCKER (movie about the guys who opened Baghdad’s first Foot Locker)

10:23 You gotta be kidding me, with this documentary about sound-editing. They really record all those new sounds and then mix them together to make one sound-track to an action sequence? No wonder movies cost a trillion dollars to make

10:22 Too beautiful kids … don’t know their names … here comes Morgan Freeman doing a voice-over about sound-editing and mixing (”Why don’t you mix my voice into every single thing currently being broadcast on television?”) (my little joke)

10:20 Kill Everyone with your Chainsaw … the Dolls are Alive … Dreaming of Murder … Blood and Gore Will Cleanse Your Soul … The Baby is Satan … I break your feet … eat a rat for dinner … big-ass freaky ears and eyes … Frankenstein wants a kiss … the Headless Horseman rides again … Alfred Hitchock’s “Too Many Birds” … screaming and yelling … people staring at each other …long hallways with kids in ‘em … I see dead people … bloody monsters that you have to kiss … blood coming out of elevators … rats and mucus … mouths and teeth … AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS HORROR

10:19 Everyone Must Die in a Maestrom of Terror and Violence …

10:19 The Oscars Tribute to Horror …

10:14 Hyundai goes deep: “If you could drive any car you wanted, would you choose yours?” aka “Sometimes when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you”

10:13 iPad commercial … it looks like a big iPhone that you put in your lap. Hip rock music in this commercial … guess it’s time for me to buy an iPad (LOL)

10:12 Charleze Theron describes Oscar-nominated PRECIOUS … film clips to follow …

10:11 Snap, “I already have two of these (Oscars)” and then she dedicates it to “All the little schlubs who don’t get to design costumes for movies about dead queens”

10:10 The Young Victoria! Hoo boy, this lady brought her A-game, vis-a-vis “Lemme wear something freaky to the Oscars”

10:10 Nominees are: Bright Star (saw this with my dad) / Coco is Chanel(?) / Imagnarium of Dr. Doom / Nine the Musical by Precious / Young Victoria … winner is …

10:09 Tom Ford (fashion marketer) and Sarah jessica Parker (from Sex my City) are here to present the award for CRAZIEST COSTUME IN A MOVIE

10:08 Steve Martin makin’ ‘em laugh in that horrible way that happens sometimes

10:07 Okay, lemme hear what these nerds have to say “Jim Cameron, this Oscar sees you” — was the production of Avatar a cult, or something? What’s up with these people? Now we got this one guy talking about how his doctor thought he would die??? What the heck is going on with the super-intense acceptance speeches tonight?

10:06 Winner is: AVATAR, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA IN 3-D for best art direction

10:05 SIgourney Weaver is here, wearing a red dress with only one shoulder on it … she has style and finesse, if you ask me … Nominees for best Art Direction in a Movie: Avatar / Imaginarium of Dr. Something-or-other / Nine, the Musical / Sherlock Holmes (as in “Holmes, I hope you didn’t see that Sherlock movie”) / and one othe rmovie I didn’t catch

10:05 Oh, it was a Dancing with the Stars commercial

10:04 Sometimes I can’t even tell what a commercial is trying to tell me

10:03 Hippest JC Penney commercial ever

10:02 Coming up: A salute to horror films? Sounds good to me!

10:02 Now they’re summarizing An Education, the movie about the love affair in England

10:00 Oh shit Monique is killing this speech …

9:59 Man I gotta see that Precious movie. I heard it’s a little gruesome and exploitati– whoa hold up Monique is going off about politics of the Academy

9:59 Did you read that article about how Monique didn’t give a shit about the Oscars? THis is why she must win AND SHE WON!!!! BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE!!! Cool

9:59 And Monique, for Precious … this is the one I’m rooting for … I like Monique

9:58 Oh man, I didn’t see any of these movies … I feel guilty for some weird reason

9:56 Best supporting actresses, get ready: This is your time: Penelope Cruz (9) (is she a good actress? Not sure about that– I saw a movie where she hosted a cooking show and I thought it was kinda wack) … Vera Famiglia for Up in the Air (gotta say, this movie seems intolerable to me; am I just a hater?) … Maggie Gylehnanal for Crazy Heart (movie about grumpy ol’ guy who’s hurting real bad) … Anna Kendrick for Up in the Air …

9:55 Oh boy, here comes RObin WIlliams … put your hijinx helmet on

9:54 Roger Corman won an award? Is he the one who made the movies with the women with the big bazoombas?

9:54 Winners all, each and every one (my two cents)

9:53 This is one of those montages where they show highlights from some weird day-time awards show they didn’t invite us too

9:52 Is there anyone it would be more fun to be best friends with than QUeen Latifah?

9:52 Look, ther’es my arch-nemesis from the Olympics: Morgan “Credit Card Commercial” Freeman

9:51 Goddamn we’re in grown-up mode right now … this guy is bringing a strange intensity to the event

9:50 Holy shit I’m feeling this guy … he’s out of breath and totally quiet and sincere …

9:50 I thought Nick Hornsburg would win for An Education

9:50 Oh shit, I’m actually kinda stoked about this

9:49 And the winner is … PRECIOUS BY SAPPHIRE, THE MOVIE PUSH!!!

9:48 In the Loop (didn’t see it, heard it was funny) … An Education (about a sexy cello player? didn’t see it) … District 9 (I thought this was a good movie)

9:48 Best adapted screenplay noms: Up in the Air … Push by Sapphire, the movie Precious …

9:47 Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllehneal are irradiating the room with their youth, their talent …

9:47 Dunkin’ Donuts commercial

9:46 I like the music in this car commercial. I bet you could really wash some dishes to this music — except then it goes into that “Angry, noisy car driving too fast” mode and loses it … hmm … OH CAR COMMERCIALS WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FRUSTRATE ME???

9:45 Was JC Penney a real person? I bet she was a nice lady

9:45 They should give an OScar to this toilet paper commercial for “Silliest toilet paper commercial”

9:44 Next up: oscar for best supporting actress in a flim or extended television show that looks like a movie …

9:43 He’s describing “A Serious Man,” the latest movie from the Coen Brothers …

9:43 Jeff Bridges is about to give a speech …

9:42 PM I think one of the best-make-up award winners was high on marijuana

9:41 The guy is wearing a beret, or some kind of floppy hat … I like it… “live long and prosper with wealth”

9:41 PM The winner for best make-up: Star Trek (2009)

9:39 Nominees: Il Divo (never saw it, I win) … Star Trek: The movie (I saw this one) … The Young Victoria (never saw it, I win again) man this movie looks boring, about a young Victoria … only three nominees, what?

9:39 Best Make-up In A Movie or Film … get on with it …

9:39 Everybody’s laughing and having a wonderful time

9:38 Ben Stiller is presenting an award, dressed up as one of those blue guys from Avatar

9:37 Oy vey, you don’t wanna know what I just went through … turns out the pilot went out on the ol’ hot water heater … so now I can’t take my shower and get pretty for the Oscars…

9:25 PM Did I just hear Katherine Kennear (sp) do the voice-over for a Hyundai commercial?

9:25 PM: Commercial break … I can’t believe we’re actually watching the Oscars!

9:24 PM Samuel Jackson is telling us about UP … the animated film that has been nominated for an Oscar … I saw UP at the discount theatre and I tried to sneak in some peanuts and I got totally busted … that’s a true story …

9:23 PM Too much tribute … back to the show … let’s win some awards!

9:22 PM Damn, Judd Nelson wins gold for the “Merle Allan lookalike contest”

9:22 PM Oh snap here comes every movie star who ever starred in a John Hughes movie … they’re going to make a tribute to him …

9:21 PM Damn, now they’re showing some John Hughes movies I don’t even recognize! What’s this movie with Kevin Bacon in a gray tuxedo?

9:20 PM: Why is he getting this special retrospective? Is he the most famous director to die this year?

9:19 PM: No way did John Hughes make all these movies!!! He made HOME ALONE???

9:17 PM: Hurt Locker will win every award, right? Should that be my prediction? Molly Ringwald, more beautiful than ever, is talking about John Hughes, the famous teenage movie director … I saw most of his movies … now Matthew Broderick is talking about Ferris Beuller, the classic film he made with john Hudhges …

9:16 PM: Acceptance speech is going well … the writer’s tuxedo collar looks really fresh … he’s dedicating his award to the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan … and his dad who passed away …

9:15 PM: HURT LOCKER wins screenplay award … this means it’ll win everything, mark my words!!!

9:15 PM: Up (by Pixar) … and the winner is:

9:13 PM: Nominees for screenplay: Hurt Locker … Inglourious Basterds (Brad Pitt is unlistenable, my 2cents) … The MEssenger (didnt’ see it; it’s about people telling each other they’re dead) … Serious Man by Coen Bros …

9:11 PM: Alec Baldwin is talking … here come two mega-talented young people: Robert Downey and Tina Fey … Robert Downey has a nice blue bow-tie … they are cracking the crowd up … everyone is so psyched about the Oscars …

9:10 PM: Commercial about a crazy movie director who talks to squirrels … funny stuff … now it’s one of those car commercials that cuts between quiet shots of cars and super noisy/violent shots of cars …

9:09 PM: So the fight between ABC and Cablevision seems to be resolved … and I can see the Academy Awards on my television … I’m excited … I think they already awarded some awards … I will confirm and get back to you …

Anyway, it sounds pretty good!

“[T]here can be no rational denial of the reality that America is a decidedly good nation,” writes Romney, or perhaps a third grader. “Therefore, it is good for America to be strong.”

I can’t wait to get my hands on this book and read it aloud on the bus in a very loud voice.

Like the Olympics, there will be an opening ceremony, multiple events, separate categories for men and women, and a huge, menacing flame that can never be extinguished.

Also, North Korea will not participate.

10:59 PM PST: Know what? I don’t think McDonald’s commercial was made in America. I think it was made in Europe — and i should know, b/c I’ve seen it 100 times in the four days I’ve been blogging the olympics.

10:58 PM PST: Oh man someone should give me a gold medal for the dessert I just invented: Blueberry pie with crushed up chocolate fudge cookies on top. “Fuggedaboutit.” That was tasty as a mehfur.

10:47 PM PST: Just savoring the glory of the fact that people from my country did a good job to race their bobsled so fucking fast.

10:45 PM PST: Another day, another bobsled race. Here comes USA team. Big black bobsled. Looks lethal, like a stealth bomber raining death and destruction on evildoers. Currently ahead of Canada… .can they do this??? CAN THEY CAN THEY???USA in the lead???

10:44 PM PST: Bobsledding interview! My new favorite cultural phenomenon! “What were you doing in that sled?” “I was racing it.” “Did you have a good run?” “We got +.022 over the previous semifinalist, so we were happy.” “Great, God bless you and your bobsled.” “Praise God.”

10:43 PM PST: Excuse me ladies and gents, I’ll just need a few minutes to get excited about more bobsledding… (see you in 20,000 years)

10:40 PM PST: GREAT COMMERCIAL ABOUT MOMS from Proctor and Gamble. If my mom wasn’t crying at that, you must be crazy.

10:39:55 PM PST: Bob Costas: “The crafty Ohno advances.” Oh lord, not more bobsledding! The only reason they have this sport at the Olympics is b/c Bob Costas invented it! (Get it, “Bob(Costas)sledding?” GET IT? GET IT???)

10:39:50 Ohno advances … I hear mad crazy booing?

10:39 Damn Ohno schooled ‘em!

10:38 Oh snap Ohno! Oh snap!!! Ohno ohno

10:37 PM PST: Goddamn could those ice-skate blades be any longer and more gold and deadly looking?

10:36 And they’re OFF! This is Apolo Ohno’s big race. If he wins, the King of Olymipcs will let his family live.

10:35 Roller-derby-grade drama on the ice course. not sure I approve. Are they all gonna skate with fake names now? And yet ANOTHER false start? guys, let’s get it together. It’s the Olymipcs, yo.

10:34 What happened with CElski? Crazy stuff. maybe he’s in the wrong sport. He should be in that other winter sport– the one that looks kinda like his last name: SKI(ing).

10:34 Celski DISQUALIFIED!!!! he threw the guy off! MIND-BLOWING!!!!

10:33 Incredible so-motion replays.

10:31 PM PST: This race is going well, so far no crashes. No bad language on th eice, please remember. making his move … creeping up … trying to pass. . the american is trying to break away inside….SHOVED THE DUDE OFF HIS ASS??? Crowd is booing like a madman!!! Replay … JR Celski’s foe was gettin’ cozy all up in that butt …

10:29 PM PST: HOw about that guest-blogger, huh? She did a good job. Liveblogging is harder than it looks– it takes a deep knowledge of whatever you’er blogging about. And you have to be a good fast typist. and know how to spell everyhtint correclt.y

10:28 PM PST: Short-form speed skating! Let’s go! They should have an ice-skating race that’s only 5 feet long, or 1/20th of one lap.

10:27 PM PST: Okay, what did I miss? Dutch people celebrating the victory of an ice-skater. “Only in the Olympics, ladies and gentlemen!”

10:24 PM PST: David here. Back in charge. Time to restore the brand. Thanks to special assistant blogger SL for helping out. Not sure how much Oly-info she gave you, but have no fear: I”M BACK. On the other hand, she blogged for free. And I appreciate it. “You are apprciated.” Now … game ON

10:22 PM he is reclining and concerned about how he looks in the photos. olympics are yesteryear

10:21 PM david is getting too comfortable not blogging i can TELL

10:21 PM sexy black boots woof woof

10:17 PM what is this? david says it is a mini-documentary about the mounties… our attention is divided between the mini-doc and the photos (well they are really, really into the photos, especially the ones we took tonight, and some of katherine’s nephew) — i feel lonely watching the mounty thing. nice bright red outfits.

10:17 PM info about canada.

10:16 PM armchairs and a fireplace and a chat.

10:14 PM david says (he is looking at photos of me and katherine from a trip) “write down on the blog that you guys are still friends!” and now he tells me “write about canada is winning the gold medal”–ooh that guy singing oh canada is cute. david says he is the one who went so crazy…

10:09 PM i feel some pressure to say something about the next race. katherine and david are talking about relationships. this is difficult and i’m going on break!!

10: 06 PM a new race. those guys aren’t really watching it. can i get them to turn their attention towards the television? i like this kind of racing how they touch the ice with their fingertips. those guys are talking about having a film night.

10:04 PM katherine is showing david photos during the commercial. “this is my weekend last weekend.” (the commercial is for safeway.)

10:03 PM david is eating soup and i sarah am your guest blogger for the next couple of minutes. katherine is sorting her photos. no olympics are on.

9:57 PM Top o’ the hour soup break …

9:56 PM PST: “Can you just reach out and pinch his butt?” (One of our party, re: the rules for speed-skating)

9:55 HOW can five guys run in a circle on the ice like that without poking each other’s eyes out with their deadly ice-skates on their feet? “Will wonders ever cease?” They sometimes look like they’re doing roller derby, the famous smash-em-up game.

9:54 PM PST: Here comes more hot speed-skating! FALSE START??? What is this, amateur hour? (Well, technically, yes, for Olympians must be amateurs [I think]) Goddamn ANOTHER false start? What is this, a Hollywood woman’s bosom? (b/c they all have false breasts out there)

9:49 PM PST Conchords-guy in the lead, Ohno in third, two anonymous dudes fill inthe rest . These dues are allowed to touch the ice? “What’s happened to standards?” Oh shit Ohno creepin’ up … advances to next round … which is called the “Semis,” whatever that means (I never understood that stuff: Semifinal, Quarterfinal, etc., how about we just call it all “Fun adventures” and leave it at that?)

9:47 PM PST Here comes Apolo Ohno, whose name I think I have spelled correctly for the first time. Holy shit his dad looks badder-asser than a “murg-furg.” And now we got some Flight of the Conchords-lookin’ dude trying to take the crown from him! Four nations compete on the track .. four teams vie for the gold … one liveblogger tries to capture the action … and WE’RE OFF

9:45:40 PM PST: Seattle people! Did you just see that commercial for the hot-tub company??? How many freakin’ jets and nozzles did that hot-tub have??? OMG that was off the HOOK

9:45 PM “Short track skating is chaos on the ice.” (My new quote)

9:42 PM PST: Lindesy Vonn being interviewed about “How do you ski so fast? What’s your favorite ski? What songs do you like about skiing? Do you ever drink wine when you’re racing down the mountain?” I WISH THOSE WERE the questions — back to you Bob Costas, talking about how Andrea Fischbacher’s great grandpappy invented skiing or some such trivia. now he’s all like, “The weather affects how people race on the ski-slopes.” Really? I’m skeptical.

9:41 PM PST: Just had an interesting conversation with our host about rearranging her furniture so she can look out the window better. Losing interest in skiing.

9:39 I love Brooke Shields’ colgate toothpaste commercial. No way is that her real house, right? That’s gotta be a fake bathroom.

9:37 I love that “T. Maze won Silver in Super-G.” Could that sound more like a track Lil Wayne does a guest-verse on?

9:34 PM PST: This skier is “T. Maze.” GREAT NAME. It’s like if you get lost inside a hedge row inside T. Pain. WWHOA WHOA WAIT did T Pain just take the gold from Fischerbacker??? What’s going on? I muted the TV so not sure what the announcers are saying. Jus tusing my eyes to get information and I can’t tell what’s what b/c all the skiers look the same. What Happened? Now Chelsea Marshall is up, looking like she don’t take no shit in her official olympic photo. She looks like a bus driver, no offense — just gives off that “no nonsense, get on the bus” vibe– but today? SHE IS A SKI-DRIVER, and the fare-price is ONE GOLD MEDAL. (j/k no way is she getting the gold b/c she just crashed realy, real, hard.) Ouch glad that wasn’t a bus.

9:32 PM PST: Mandatory disclosure: I am watching the Olympics with my gals Katherine and Sarah. Katherine is recovering Facebook addict; please do not contact her via Facebook for 7 days. This is not a joke.

9:30 PM PST: Who’s going to the Harry Potter Wizard theme park with me? Can you really ride a broom through the sky?

9:28 PM PST: Now yet another person is racing. This person’s name is “Paerson.” That’s pretty cool. think about, guys: A person = Paerson. It’s called an anagram, homes. Get used to it. Whoa I just got incredibly bored with all this skiing. Why dont’ they jsut show figure-skating every day all day? Didn’t we decide a few nights ago that figure skating was the best?

9:27 PM PST: Is this event really called “Super G?” Huh?

9:26 PM MPST: Fischbacher takes the lead over Vonn? Are you kidding me? With that slapdash jump where she almost landed on the end of her skis??? Amazing– but the clocks don’t lie. the time is the time. And the rules are the rules. Vonn is no longer in the lead! Fischbacher is in the lead! “The student is the master, and the master is the student.”

9:24 PM PST: Can anyone beat Vonn? this woman name Fischbacher is going to try … using her skis. She’s going down the hill … had a bit o’ wee trouble … “She’s not panicking” .. neither am I — God has a plan for each of us, so just lay back and chill…

9:23 PM PST: We went with a nice Manhattan for a drink. Thanks for everyone’s suggestions. Bloody Mary was voted down as not a dinner drink…

9:21 PM PST: While I was eating my soup, Lindsey Vonn went on her skis.

9:11 PM PST: Soup break! Soup break! THe soup is ready …

9:09 PM PST: Here comes the German Riesch … previous warrior champion … she was out of bounds… they must have big leg muscles to go on their skis! I liker her rainbow outfit. Those would be some killer pajamas.

9:08 PM PST: Also, I prefer drinks that aren’t too sweet. Are there any drinks that have pepper in them? (Seriously)

9:07 PM PST: Reader NF recommends sloe gin fizz for my next drink. But we don’t have soda water. Any other suggestions?

9:06 PM PST: No, Cyndi Lauper. Please.

9:04 PM PST: Next up? E. Brydon, another skier of gender. She just bumped into a flag or fence-post or whatever … she’s Canadian, which makes her the home-town favorite. BIG SMASH BIG CRASH she just biffed it right where Mancuso did, but instead of jsut going out-of-bonds, she made a fat face-plant into the ice “Ouch, that’s brutal!” <—–announcer

9:02 PM PST: Here comes J. Mancuso, going down the mountain so fast. Wait a minute, didn’t we see this a few days ago? Is this a new kind of ski-race or what? Maybe it’s longer? Or has more squiggles in it? Uh oh, Mancuso went off-course… too much speed, too much passion … can’t obey society’s rules … like a wild animal uncaged … she will be penalized for her transgression on the slopes … expect an angry fax from Vatican City …

9:01 PM PST: “American Ski Divas” time for some “FEMALE SKI WARS”

8:58 PM Commercial break … lots of ice-skating previews that’s good. Oh and Lindesy Vonn will do some more skiing. Should be a fun night. Time for my next cocktail order. What should it be? Let me know via email: dr@mnftiu.cc

8:53:05 PM PST: Shani Davis looking focused-er than a “murj-fehr” And. they’re off. Canada vs. USA classic race. Is it for the gold? Can’t tell. Dude they are BURNING. Davis vs. Makowsky! The best of the best! But they’re looking a wee bit slow … Davis is 18/100 of a second over the winning time (I don’t understand how all these different “record-time splits” work … what am I , a professional clock?) Davis is “grimacing” can he do ti? Can he do it? DO IT? DO IT? IT? IT? IT? IT? Shani Davis wins … SILVER>>>> Netherlands wins GOld. He just couldn’t pull it off. I guess he ate too many nachos and drank too many beers last night. And maybe he smoked a fat cigar right before the race, that would explain it. Oh well. Next time he won’t do all those bad things. In the meantime, the dude from the Netherlands is PSCYHED!!! He won the gold! Now back to Bob Costas …

8:52 PM PST: Our hostess is talking about facebook, the famous social networking site I’m getting into. WTF re: Back of Shani Davis warm-up outfit??? Psych-warfare? Say, did anyone read that book “Behold a Pale Horse?” Zoiks … that book is no fun.

8:48 BIG race right now… USA guy’s last Olympic race aaginst Netherlands winner. .. this is it guys, this is why we host the Olympics.. Hedrick vs. Groothuis! Only one shall be champion! (I wish it could be me) … these guys are lookging good, “They have a respect for each others’ skating atheltics” … I wish I could type faster… “leave nothing on the ice” … words to live by– uhoh they gotta pick up th epace … not fast enough,,, go aster! Hedrick won (the American) but he wasn’t ffast enough for medals. His Olympic career is ovah. Shani Davis (USA) is still the man to beat. He could win another WInter Oly-Gold medal.

8:46 PM PST: Netherlands guy won! “The Dutch trying to get back up on the podium.” Well, then, maybe they should compete in “Coffeeshops Where You Can Buy A Fat Joint Of Dope” competition–they’re sure to win the gold! <---------------PRAISE GOD FOR JOKES

8:44 PM PST: NORWAY vs. NETHERLANDS, two great nations, two great skaters, going head to head ... "He's only 2 seconds in the lead now..." anything under 5 seconds is a tie, remember our special rule?

8:42 PM PST: I can't tell if "hot tub time machine" will make money or not. Will it be the next "The Hangover," or the next ... "ISHTAR," the FAMOUS HORRIBLE MOVIE???

8:41:35 PM PST: Look at the smile on that winner! He can really smile! The Russian did great.

8:41 PM PST: ICE SKATES ARE THE BEST

8:39 PM PST: These speedskaters are looking like old-school superheroes! Ice skates rule, bobsleds drool.

8:38 PM MPST: I didn't believe that was the real interior of the Goodyear blimp for one second.

8:37 PM PST: UPDATE FROM MY MOM: The McDOnalds' commercial didn't make her cry (remember a few nights ago when I was liveblogging that mickey-d's commercial?)

8:35:235 PM PST: Goddamn they are in their FLOW right now. Beuatiful. ! ALl events featuring ice skates RULE

8:35 PM PST: Here comes Canada vs. Italy in ice skating. my prediction: Canada will crush Italy in this event. Goddamn they are just straight-up running on the ice!

8:34 PM PST: READER FEEDBACK SUMMARY: East coast readers are in agony ... West coast winners are iN ECSTASY!!! "I'm west-coast tonight ... East Coast, try to keep up!"

8:29 PM PST: Costas back in the house ... moving on to Speedskating !! Shani Davis is the famous USA winner of an earlier event ... this is the 1500 m event I think? Ooh this guy looks like trouble: Trevor Marsicando(sp) -- could NBC please leave the atherlete's names up for a shorter amount of time LOL-- and we got another guy -- a Japanese guy? OH SNAP TWO-MAN skate-off! Just two guys ont he ice? Oh wait, no there's othe rdudes waiting in the wings ... OKay, it's USA vs. Korea not Japan ... going fast, strong on the ice ... I love how they swing their arms, I just do. It's just one of those things that strikes you ... maybe for you it's like how leaf falls or something. (Is that too poetic? "Blame it on da rain")

8:28:50 PM PST: A member of our party just made the inevitable "Bobsled = Waterslide" comparison. YOWCH. "I'm glad I"m not a waterslide right now."

8:28:10 PM PST: USA #3 is going fast! Their sled is lookin' like a straight-up Pinewood Derby classic (shout out to my Cub SCout fans) ...

8:26 PM PST: ANother interview with bobsledders: “What was it like going down the track in your stupid dumb-ass sled?” “It was pretty good.” (My interpretation)

8:25 PM PST: I’m sitting here drinking this scotch and we all just remember there’s a blueberry pie in the fridge and we all got happy.

8:24 PM PST: (Private joke to ppl who watch the Olympics on NBC): “ANyone ever heard of maybe there’s gonna be a new show called ‘Parenthood’? Anybody maybe seen a commercial about that, ever in their life, maybe just one time?”

8:24 PM PST: Russia in 8th place … “Communism loses again>”

8:22 PM PST: Between you and me, I’m ready for a new sport. You can’t see shit when the guys are in the bobsled… where are the expressions, the faical nuances, the beads of sweat? Who the “eff” knows? All you can see is that gol-durned sled — Oh snap spiderman web butt team is back again … here we go RUssia! Go RUSSIA! MOTHER RUSSIA I LOVE YOU ! Kruschve and TOlstoy for life!!! Remember when he banged his shoe on the desk and yelled, “Vee vill invade USA!” or whatever ..?

8:20 PM PST: ORANGE HELMET … someone has an orange helmet, it’s the Netherlands team. THey look good, I got a fine feelings about these guys frmo Nethertlandas (have you ever been to Amsterdram, you can buy mary-jane at a cookie store!) … and they’re off! Orange sled, orange helmets, and you know they’ve got Sunny D holding it down in the firdge (b/c it’s orange) … their slide sounds exreeeeeemley rickety. It looks longer than the other sleds… uh oh losing control losing control be safe be safe oh man ouch they didn’t go so good. Still behind Germany … my brother can speak German.

8:19 PM PST: Captivating interview w/ USA bobsledders about how they couldn’t get their sled to go fast enough

8:18 PM PST: And Guy Fieri takes ANOTHER one of my dream jobs: “Minute to Win It” (he already has my #1 dream job, hosting “Diners Drive-Ins, and Dives”

8:17 PM PST: Hey Olympics! I’ve been watching you for like 26 years. Could you maybe spare 5 mintues to convince me that bobsledding is a sport? Make a CGI diagram or something?

8:16 PM PST: My host is going to add a comment, “Looks like they’re pushing lawnmowers!” (re: bobsleds) “And they just ujumped inside a rocket … (beat) … wow …” duly impressed with “Tha Bob” (ie bobsled slang term for bobsleds)

8:14 PM PST: Here comes those RUssians in their white bobsled … “Feel the speed …” I tell ya, theses bobsleds just zip around like nobody’s businesss! I don’t even think they engines in them. I think the engine is gravity, the famous force that pushes everything towards the center of the arth. … Oh snap Russians bobsled uniforms featuring Spiderman-web pants.

8:13 PM PST: THe announcer is yammering on about “Why didn’t the bobsled go fast enough” while I take a gander at this fine drink: Aberlour 12-year scotch …

8:12 PM PST: USA bobsledders are going buck-wild, speed-wise. Going so fast, I can hear the passion in the announcer’s voice!!! He’s raising his voice in excitement! Their sled looks good … wait, does it have puruple on it? (Puprle, the famous color?) THey didn’t go fast enough… OH SNAP LOOK AT THIS BOOZE

8:11 PM PST: Damn they got some thighs on ‘em, those bobsledders.

8:10:59 PM PST: Putting in a drink request with my host. “Gotta go with whiskey and bobsleds.”

8:10 PM PST: “Xfinity from ComCast.” That doesn’t sound fake enough, not at all. “Xfinity.” That sounds like a 25th Century call girl.

8:09 PM PST: I will let this Jay Leno commercial pass without comment.

8:08 PM PST: They’re talking about how air gets caught in the sled or something, how you don’t want air in the sled??? What in the tarnation of hell is going on with these sleds? You can’t put air in a goddamn sled? “What’s this world coming to?”

8:06:15 PM PST: “90 miles an hour.” Are you kidding me that this rickety-ass sled-a-ma-bob just went 90 mph? FOrget that. Oh snap, we got a big fat-ass sled-driver about to do it — German — 254 lbs. I love it! Damn, his body weight will make that sled flllyyyyyyy…

8:06 PM Is that thing a toboggan? Or a luge? Or just a sled with a roof on it? I can’t tell.

8:05 PM GOddamn WHAT KIND OF SLED IS THAT? That things look bad-asser than a “mur-fuhr-ker”! Sounds really rickety, though… hope it’s okay. Or is that rattling sound the noisemakers of the onlookers?

8:04 PM PST: Dude I can’t even tell what sport this is, but that track looks scarier than a “mehr-fehr”! Is this the track where they had the horrible accident at the beginning of th eOlympics? Hope not.

8:03 PM PST: Arrggh can’t hear Costas b/c these people are talking in the apartment … keep it down guys: I only ask once every four years!!! It’s the OLYMPICS!!! Now Costas is taking us live to the “Sliding Center” or “Sledding CEnter” or something? It’s called “The Whistler?” I can’t hardly hear the television! Just goign on visuals–using my eyes to grasp information about sports (It’s my speciality)

8:02:32 PM PST: And we’re OFF! Bob Costas’s voice floats over the peaks … taking about Shani Davis and some other guys and gals … Costas has put on a necktie, but alas no pocket square … c’mon guys, are we serious about this or not?

8:02 PM PST: “And there’s his pursuit of history … another challenge …” (I think he’s talking about that speed skater guy who won the other night) …

8:01 PM PST: Olympics theme jingle rings out across the mountains … we’re in Seattle, just a few miles south of the Olympics (which are in Canada this year) … GET READY …

8:00 PM PST: Big time blog time … we’re doing this. Get ready for the OLYMPICS, one of the most famous sports festivals OF HISTORY!!!

Know hope …

We’re doing this …

For those who are playing at home, tonight’s drink is: “Various cocktails as curated by my host.”

Know hope.

6:05 PM PST: Some kind of drug called Avadeia (sp) is making people sick … FDA estimates 83,000 heart attacks thanks to this dumb-ass drug … company and FDA have delayed in removing drug from market … Brian Williams is asking a lady some questions about the drug … I think they’re at the Olympics …

Lemme see if there’s a solution to this atrocious travesty of horror. I’ll be in touch in a minute … Rest assured WE ARE DOING THIS. I will be liveblogging something tonight … believe it.

From reader BL:

It’s not the same without you. I was eagerly anticipating your insight into emo-boy Takahashi.

Reader AM chimes in from Canada (aka Olympics Central):

My only connection to the world of Olympic glory is your dedicated liveblogging, which not only provides up-to-the-minute action, but goes so far as to add value in the form of commercial commentary, commentary on commentary, and ready-made phrases that I can drop into conversations whenever I need to pass myself off as a patriotic spectator of guys in blue jeans on snowboards. DON’T GIVE UP NOW.

A nice message from reader ER:

Your live-olywineblogging is world class! You are definitely the reigning world champ. (Subtext = “Don’t punk out now” –ed.)

An epic message from CH, who started forwarding the liveblog to his mom:

I and my mom and my girlfriend are loving your liveblogging. Please come back and do it again…. I started sending my mom your liveblogging this week and I didn’t even know if she liked them or not since you are so “out there” and using curse words but I myself was feeling them so much I had to share them with my olympics-watching mom and then I got the following email this morning:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: [REDACTED]
Date: Fri, Feb 19, 2010 at 9:41 AM
Subject: Where is my Oly live wineblooger?
To: [REDACTED]

I see by his website that he didn’t chronicle last night’s events and I watched every minute and every commercial in anticipation of his incisive and loopy commentary. Damn. Maybe he’ll watch the replay they do during the day.

Okay, the people have spoken! Your favorite “Oly live wineblooger” will do his darnedest to liveblog TOMORROW NIGHT, SATURDAY 2/20/10 (btw, could that date look any tougher?)

Know hope.

11:32 HOLD UP AGAIN: Big-ass typography controvesry . Just got an email from a reader wondering ABOUT my use of “@” … I use @ to mean “at” (as in “see you @ the library”) and also to mean “about” like “My favorite thing @ the Olympics is ski-racing” and Sam says nobody does that . TRUE??? DId I make up that use of @???? WTF??? I thought everyone used it that way!

11:29 HOLD UP are the Olymipcs over for the night??? WTF? NO, wait, Costas is just signing off … one last look at the “P.Square” Okay, NBC is pumped b/c lots of superstar Americans won. WHat’s good for USA is good for ratings, I think. Feeling this reggae music montage of the victors … WIll.I.Am? Or somebody else? Wyclef?

11:28 :-) :-) :-) :-)

11:26:34 <—-

11:26 Guys just noticed that wordpress converted my emoticon (re: pocket square) into like some kind of cartoon face … my apologies … that is NOT OK

11:25:34 Mancuso / Vonna rivalry? What’s going on? Vonn: “I knew I had to go out there and take it.” Sounds like Sam’s attitude towards all my KALE

11:25 Sam: “Mancuso’s bitter. She’s mad she got beat.”

11:19 Big argument at wineblogging HQ @ who took all the kale for our customized pizzas …

11:15 PIZZA BREAK BACK IN 53/100ths of a second … <—- WAIT ALERT “Get that pocket square” Costas holding it down … pinstripes and pocket squares (name of my new broadway musical I’m writing)

11:13 Here comes the big finale for Shaun White! BIG FINISH … but I can’t tell the difference b/w all these snowboard jumps! Sam says he could tell the difference, like I’m some kind of idiot … ARGGHGGH “it’s atheltes like Shawn Wite that make you think the imopssible is poissble” <— announcer He did the double McTiwst … dude I’m not trying to eat at McDonalds!!! Now Sam’s mad at me b/c I’m not feeling the special finale

11:11 Shaun WHite wins the gold medal. I feel nothing. SOrry to be a hater, guys. AM I just old and bitter? I don’t know I still like to have fun and whatnot. Somethign@ this kid just feels off to me … Fuck it might as well admit I don’t like Kanye West, either. And btw why does Schoolly D have less than 200 followers on twitter?

11:10:23:11 “THERE’S A TERM THAT SOME OF US USE … IT’S CALLED TAPPING INTO THE EYE OF THE TIGER…” there’s our quote for the night, right there. Thank you mr. announcer

11:09 Damn we’re getting NO KIND of Costas tonight … WTF … “a blogger needs a pocket square right about now”

11:08 That guy Peetu Pii… (whatever) just moved into silver medal position with a score of 45.0 Announcer: “That was shocking to me…” hmm controversy in the works? Next up: some other dude … backside 900 …. speaking of “Backside,” he just flat-busted out on his backside … NEXT …

11:05:53 Can Vito pull it off??? USA #1 in snowboarding??? We invented this sport, right? With no help from fuddy-duddies like me. Whoops Vito couldn’t pull it off … “it will not be a podium sweep…” next up: Peetu Something-or-other currently in 4th … “his strength: technicality and perfection” that’ll work!

11:05 PM Whoa, lady, not sure it’s okay to have the Am. Flag bunched up in yr hands like that

11:04 Li’l Vito back on the pipe … hittin’ the pipe … Americans could sweep …

11:03 “The big risk of going absolutely massive out of the pipe” … hey all my 420 heads you know what that could be an innuendo for, right? “Smokin’ a fat jay” LOL I’m laughing right now

11:01:00 PM some guy is talking about how futuristic his car is … now it’s the Alice in Wonderland ad by Tim Burton … is that Johnny Depp? … yeah, it is … okay, what’s this another Morgan Migraine special for VISA credit cards … now another ad where this guy talks about his amazing car: “It’s like sittign on an air hockey table” … hmm is that good? I’d rather sit on a seat, brah.

10:57 Thanks to reader NA for settling the Chris. Guest argument … in my favor, needless to say!!!

10:56:01:00 SAM AND I ARE PUMPED kokubo on the course half pipe!!! get surly!!! getgnarly! I hope he beats Shaun WHite … oh no he crashed. … Sam: “stick a ruler up there so we can tell how they’re going … this feels sloppy … if you wanna be a sport, don’t be like, ‘Oh he’s as high as that cameraman over there’” goddamn my boy is feeling his oats w/r/t snowboarding!!! (w/r/t = dfw tribute)

10:55 POPCORN AD! I jsut saw an ad about popcorn!!!! REMEMEBR THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN I WAS EATING SO MUCH POPCORN//// I LIVED IT

10:53 Target bringing the lounge music … lots of things for under $20 for all you fashionistas out there reading my blog … Target!!! … now some kind of historical USA ad about how we’re all in this together as long as we use Allstate Insurance if not you can burn in hell … Allstate “I’m over here now!” NEW MOTTO

10:52:01 I knewthat kid would crash i could just feel it but he’s only 19 so it’s all good

10:51 Damn, it’s Shaun White I misspelled it … Louie Vito, 5′5″ and stuck in 5th place! Sam: “Curse of the fives…” Yowch, “the dark side of Harry Potter…”

10:49 Syriana + Bourne Identity

10:48 She’s about get on the cover of “Canadian Wheaties” cereal …

10:47:02 Fuck it, I wouldn’t believe WIkipedia anyway … keep the blog burning … Maelle Ricker is about to receive a medal for snowboarding … she’s from Canada so we’re listening to “Argh, Canada,” the famous national anthem … she has world-weary eyes … what horrors has she seen????

10:47:01 WIkipedia break? SHani Davis age-check?

10:46 Famous USA speedskater Shani Davis being interviewed … damn he’s burnin’ in the replay … big long arms… the best look … how old is he? He looks 40!!! WAIT WAIT Sam says he looks 19??? “Get those cataracts check out, buddy” this dude is totally middle-aged SHani Davis is lookin’ 45 years old!!!!

10:45 POCKET SQUARE >>>>

10:42 Recap of last night’s male figure-skate dancing … all my old friends … the passion, I remember … donchaknow… “furgaddabeoutit.”

10:40:53 I dunno about Shawn WHite and his private mountainside snowboard course …

10:40 Shawn White gets a 46.8 … is that good? He thinks so? ALl I know is, if he was figure-skating, that score would totally suck a goose’s ass …

10:39 On a phone call … blogging too … here comes Shawn WHite , the most famous snowboarder … here he goes … flying thru the air … he’s happy … who are these guys, wearing blue jeans? SLow-mo replay proves how high in the air he went on his snowboard … look at his hair flying …

10:35 Our next snowboarder — whoevere he is — just flew in the air like 500 feet … a big “WHOA!” from Sam … “a very good run” … what’s this kid’s name? Scotty Lago? I wish NBC would put the athlete’s name — WIAT PHONE RINGING

10:31 Kokubo (Japanese snowboarder) looking GLUM … I’ll root for him … GODAAmn he just something WACKY … “fronside 1080″ … ouch … FACE-PLANT … take that face to a greenhouse, kid, b/c it’s a face PLANT …

10:30:25 Okay, it looks cool in slowed-down-motion replay, I admit … then again, what doesn’t? Maybe an old man eating spaghetti? … wait maybe I misjudged this kid Louie Vito … startign to like him …

10:30 Louie Vito maybe ease up on the “human bobble-head” action …

10:29 GOLD MEDAL HAMMER-DROP WINNER: Sam on Louie Vito: “Whoa … five-foot five? That’s why he’s acting like that.” SNAP

10:27 Having argument about whether Christopher Guest directs all the commercials starring his troupe of actors… David = Yes; Sam - NO

10:25 When can we see more of that speed-skating we were watching a few mintues ago?? That was a real sport … not this “triple ollie” rigarmorale (? goddamn how do you spell that)

10:22 Some kid busted his ass on his freestyle snowboard …. he’ll probably talk about it on myspace…

10:23 BTW, merlot drinking very well… Gold medal taste … a great value …follow these guys on twitter: @artisanwineshop

10:22 PIZZA arrived, that’s why there was an unacceptable pause in liveblogging

10:21 Next up: Snowboarding freestyle or whatever … not that interested? Why: BECAUSE I’M A GROWN-ASS MAN

10:14 Sam just told me about a performance art piece he heard about … all I can say is GODDAMN they should give that person a gold medal for “WTF”

10:13 Costas giving a shout-out to our troops in Kabul … much respect guys, stay safe and watch out for pocket squares…

10:11 Here’s that ol’ McDOnald’s commercial YET AGAIN … like Olympians eat Chicken McNuggets … PLEASE

10:10 Now Sam’s talking about some highly confidential shit.

10:09 WHere’s North Korea at the Olympics? HOld up, Colgate commercial featuring Brooke Shields?

10:08 MY NEW FAVORITE SPORT: MEN’S RELAY SPEED SKATE SHORT-RACING or whatever it’s called

10:08 Blog reader S.O., you’er sending me mad emails … I love it but I can’t answer them yet …

10:07 PM Okay you know what? I actually like this event. This is awesome! Everyone is constnatly in mostion, pushing off each other’s butt … going from inside to outside, plus they’re going fast as a “muhr-feh”

10:04:50:23 Speaking of Korea, once I went to China. It was really interesting … I went to Shanghai, Nanjing, WUhan, and Chonqing … I saw the 3 GOrges Dam, as in “God-DAM this thing is a hot mess…”

10:04 Big-ass crash! USA now in 2nd place … push off, guys, push off … USA vs Korea …

10:01:40:12 PM THe race is still going strong … nobody has quit … no crashes … like a well-oiled machine … just chillin’ right now … waiting on that pizza …

10:01 We’re off! THe men are racing … it’s like 200 ice skaters on the course! It’s like a relay or something … Sam: “It’s like the limbo” Umm… calling bullshit on that analogy, Sam. .. they push each other to go faster … I like it… graceful speed poetry in motion … “a testament to form” (private msg to SL) …

9:59 SOul patch!!! Apollo Ono bringing an A1 soul patch!

9:57 (SAY IN Dick Vitale voice): IT’S THE OLYMPICS, BAY-BEE!!! POCKET SQUAYUH! IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS, BAY-BEE!

9:56 OMG OMG POCKET SQUARE POCKET SQUARE WE HAVE POCKET SQUARE!!!!

9:54 NOW SHE’S RUNNING to find her coach? Or her lover? No, I think it’s her coach. .. they’re hugging and crying … Sam: “Don’t you think it must be anticlimactic? Deep down she must be faking it (ie the tears)” Controversial analysis from Sam! “NBC will definitely not be calling you.” Sam: “Maybe the rot sets in a week later.” Sam, you’re about to be public enemy #1 with your player-hating … dude, c—WAIT — WAIT — pocketr square!!! POCKEt SQUARE

9:51 Okay, this ain’t Sam-blogging… it’s Olympo-blogging … get a grip … OKAY LINDSEY VONN is showing her heart right now … weeping with joy … I’m feeling this … goddamn I have a feeling we’re gonna see her on a box of Kashi Cereal soon … or maybe Wheaties? Hmm … grapenuts is my fave cereal … but I buy SHopRite fake grapenuts too be penny-wise … goddamn you can truly type anything can’t you? Liveblogging is so cool … anyway, VOnn is talking about how she went down the mountain burnin’ ass like nobody’s business .. “My leg was killing me … I was tired …” now we’re seeing her in slow-mo flying through the air like a trapeze … “What else should we be prepared to see you accomplish?” Lindsey: “I don’t care.” GODDAMN I LOVE YOU LINDSEY!!!

9:50:30 Now Sam’s playing my guitar. Seems to have a working knowledge of both D and C chords … maybe I’ll give him a gold medal at guitar playing

9:50 Morgan Freeman arrrggghh with the goddamn VISA ads. Sam: “I once did an amazing Morgan Freeman impressoin.” Me: “Do it now.” Sam: “I don’t think I could do it again.” Now Sam’s talking about some monologue from the Shawshank Redmpetion , “Or maybe it was Driving Miss Daisy.” Great, so my friend Sam is either a sentimentalist or a racist!!!

9:48 Sometimes I can’t tell what’s an NBC mini-documentary and what’s a credit card commercial

9:47 BREAKING: Lindsey Vonn has won the Woman’s Gold Medal In Girl’s Ski-Racing. We have a confirmed GOld medal winner!!! GIRL POWER

9:46 Are USA Women gonna sweep the ski-racing contest???

9:45:59 Can anyone beat Vonn at this point? I don’t think so … she’s just too beautiful … but this lady skiing right now looks okay … M. Riesch is her name, if I’m interpreting the graphics fcorrectly … “she just doesn’t want the speed” …

9:43 Sam: “It was like someone put her in a blender! (beat) I’ve got good, evocative crash descriptions.”

9:42 HUGE ski crash, guys. Damn, that one didn’t even look fun … dude just showed up with a snow shovel! It’s that bad … she was going so fast, she crashed! Right on her heiney! “Fehgadderboutit”

9:40 PM here comes another skier … from Denmark … but in important news, we’re ordering a pizza … Sam: “Do your visualization exercises about ordering the pizza …” PIZZA ORDER IS BURNING UP THE SLOPES … we’re ordering with half no-cheese, b/c I keep telling ppl I”m vegan even thought that’s fake as shit b/c a couple weeks ago my friends ordered me bone marrow at a fancy restaurant and I got all up in its “biz-dee-ness” (favorite word I made up last night) …

9:37:45 Gettin’ slippy and sloppy with time codes and spelling … “Fugaddaboutit”

9:37 MP ONE SKI??? Lindsey Vonn was rocking ONE SKI??? “Furgettabadoutit”

9:36 PM no longer italicizing time-codes … no time …

9:35 PM What happened? Sam and I were in the kitchen planning our pizza order and then we heard all this screaming and cheering — somebody musta just gone plain ol’ crazy on the slope … DEVELOPING

9:29 PM Time to thank my wine donors from yesterday: christopher savastio AND especially “Emil Zatopek” for those in the know …

9:28 PM ANOTHER CRASH ANOTHER LADY HITS THE SNOW … chilling hard on her butt, just sliding down the slope … then she got mad and thrashed about with her ski-pole!!!

9:27 PM For the record: We’re going to be drinking my fave liveblogging wine: Stephen Vincent 2006 Merlot!!! “The original Olywineblog wine!”

9:26 PM Now some guy is talking into a microphone about something, maybe about snow or something … not sure, Sam and I are talking about something– OH SHIT SAM BROUGH THE WINE… WE ABOUT TO GET BUCK…

9:25 PM BIG OL’ CRASH … floppin’ every which way .. Sam: “Like a killer whale tossing a seal…” our prayers go out to her family and her skis …

9:22 PM SA = Sam. I’m just gonna call him Sam from now on.

9:20 PM Goddamn some woman just tore up the slopes … I was like “is that Vonn?” and SA yelled at me: “That’s Mancuso! SHe’s a legend!” Oh shit we got an Olympics expert up in here!!!

9:17 PM My friend SA has arrived!!! He better start being funny … oh shit he’s already bringing some A+ material about spandex … THIS IS WHY WE GET UP IN TH EMORNING

9:15:46 PM Another woman is skiing … she looks good … “these girls have got to nail it aggressively…” she’s from Austria I think … she’s been skiing for 57 seconds now …

9:15 PM GUYS THANKS for all the nice emails you’re sending … will try to answer via liveblog …

9:14 PM REminds me a couple years ago when I got banned from a UNC basketball message board for criticizing Roy Williams’ Coca-Cola ads … LOL they weren’t trying to hear about human rights abuses at COlombian bottling plants … TY LAWSON WHY AREN’T YOU RETURNING MY CALLS

9:13 PM As a former left-wing political cartoonist, I assume I don’t have to register my disgust at the constant barrage of Coca-Cola ads, right?

9:12 PM I think we’re about to see a skiing race. Woman’s downhill skiing through the woods … no, no, wait … one woman at a time … I thought it was snowboardcross style, where you got four people going at the same time … okay, so this lady is racing down the course … going really fast … “we know it’s bumpy, we know it’s fast …” (talking about the course, not about how I’m gonna be demolishing pizza in about 30 minutes) … Stacy Cook was the skiers name .. she’s in the lead!

9:08:23:05 PM UPDATE: Lindsey Vonn, is the correct spelling.

9:08 PM Oly-doc @ Vaughn(sp), the famous woman skier … she’s one of our USA heroes, I think … “best US woman skier ever …” “Nearly ripped her thumb in half opening a champagne bottle at a victory celebration” I LIKE, I LIKE …

9:07 Oh shit, just off the phone with SA … we’re gonna order a pizza when he comes over!!! THE OLYPMICS ARE BACK, BABY

9:05 PM Awaiting arrival of blog reader SA, who will audio-commentate on the Olys and I will type what he says (if it’s funny) …

9:04 PM Mercedes commercial: “When you buy a car, what are you really buying?” Umm … a car, right?

9:03 PM Man that ice is looking smooooth … who couldn’t go fast on that ice?

9:02 PM Men’s speed-skating … lots of blue helmets: “What is this, the UN? Am I right or what people? I’m over here now …”

9:00:05:54 FYI, tonight’s posts will be recorded within 1/100th of a second, “Oly-style”

9:00:05 PM Here we are, face to face– a couple of OLYMPICS SPOONS

9:00 PM GAME ON

Tell your friends!

Dude. I am sitting in front of a roaring fire in cable-free rural Vermont watching the Olys on my laptop via a slingbox tied into my brother’s TV hundreds of miles away, but without some badass liveblogging, this techno-wonder would be an empty experience. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Thank you! It’s my pleasure to help you soar.

11:14 PM Skeletor’s got some moves … Castle Grayskull must have a good training regimen …

11:12 PM SKELETOR IN THE HOUSE

11:06 PM Now I’m supposed to get excited for some Doogie-Howser-lookin’ motherfucker? After my boy Johnny Weir? DOUBTFUL.

11:05 PM Consider this blogger SEDUCED by Johnny Weir … the kid is HOT … goddamn if I was “that way” I’d be all up in his biz-dee-ness…

11:01 PM Weir’s looking good … his costume is very Gaga-like … not sure what he’s skating to– I muted the music in deference to my friend on the phone … HELLO, LOOK AT THOSE EYES!!! THIS KID HAS STAR-POWER …

11:00 PM Oh snap my friend i”m on the phone with just told me this is JOhnny Weir, and he has a shrine to Lady Gaga in the Olympic village!

10:59 PM Lady Gaga taking the ice …

10:56 PM Damn he looks weird. Does he have amblyopia? (I worked for an eye doctor, I know these things.)

10:55 PM Here we go: That Canadian kid I told you about … Patrick Chan … Canada’s gold-medal hope … crowd is pumped … violin music coming on strong … here come the jmps … goofed on the triple axle… next two jumps look okay … now he’s running around like a madman on the ice … spinning … arms flailing around … looks like he’s being chased by an ex-lover’s ghost … emotions, passion …

10:49 PM My friend called me to tell me to get off the phone with my other friend and get back to live-blogging .. now I know why … Olympics gettin’ MAD COUNTRY & WESTERN …

10:48 PM Just hung up on my friend — this ice-skater is representing in OVERALLS … fucking A! Harmonica music??? Goddamn, the Olympics rocuel

10:43 PM Taking a quick break … received a phone call … must talk on the phone to my interlocutor …

10:42 PM We need a big jump from this kid … where are the jumps, dude? OH SHIT SPIN ALERT … goddamn he was spinning like a “moh-feh.” “All three members of the Japanese team just threw it down …” One thing I love about this routine? ONE SONG. None of this medley bullshit …

10:41 PM I am feeling this kid. I just wish we could hear Hendrix singing the song, not this instrumental version, but whatevs… I always liked this song … by the way, is it just me, or was Jimi Hendrix an awesome guitar player?

10:40 PM AXIS BOLD AS LOVE FTW

10:39 PM Takahiko Kozuka on the ice … LOL, looking pretty old … NOT, he’s like 11 years old … OH FUCK YEAH MALE ORGASM ALERT– JIMI HENDRIX SONG …

10:39 PM JOubert got a 68.00 … guys, that’s bad … he’s out of the running, even I know that.

10:37 PM Liveblog Editorial Comment: I really, really wish Cyndi Lauper wasn’t appearing on Celebrity Apprentice.

10:36 PM Joubert is NOT HAPPY … “it fell apart” … “disastrous short program” … “painful to watch” … goddamn, these commentators are brutal!

10:33 PM Next skater: Brian Joubert … gack, they’re talking about how one of his skates punctured his ankle or something? “Almost to the bone …” Say what? If that happened to me you wouldn’t find me within 4 miles of an ice-skate … I’m not trying to put deadly weapons on my feet … cool music! What is this? It sounds nice … oof, he biffed the quarduple toe jump … now he’s gotta do the triple lutz (the one that almost murdered his foot) … oh shit the music is getting techno … we’re bangin’ now … OUCH BIG FALL … buzz kill … God now I”m crushingly depressed …

10:29 PM I’m gonna type something where you’re gonna think I’m joking, but I’m not: That Subway jingle about “5-dollar foot-long” has an interesting chord change in it.

10:29 PM How are we feeling about this Matt Damon Iraq movie? Are we excited? Wary?

10:27 PM “Keeping things fun also keeps the mind of the pressure” … remember that, guys … OH I GET IT: Canada has never won the figure-skating gold, and this kid is their big chance … oh man, if he wins Gold? Canada will go buck-wild … (if it’s possible for Canada to go buck-wild, that is …) Oh and by the way, Rush sucks …

10:25 PM Oh man, here’s the polar-bear lady again … Nature Channel mode … no, wait: SHe’s talking about 19-yo figure skater from Canada … his name? Patrick Chan. / Chen? Not sure … he’s got some old-timey coach named Osborne Colson (sp) … “lower, lower, faster, quicker” (that’s what the coach is saying on the tape) … wait, now the coach is dead … but his lessons continue BEYOND THE GRAVE … not sure what I think about this kid … Whoa, he’s doing some cutting-edge training, though … that was some funky PIlates they just showed …

10:24 PM Argghh “Migraine” Freeman is back … thought we wouldn’t be hearing from him tonight …

10:22 PM “What kind of medal do you win at the Winter Olympics?” “A COLD medal.” (Free joke from your liveblogger)

10:19 PM Women’s snowcrossboard for the gold … Swiss lady in the lead … damn she’s smokin’ … big jump, big jump …. wait who’s in the lead? CRASH CRASH ALERT … Canadian in the lead … for the gold … one last jump … crowd going BUCK … Canada’s first gold in snowboardcross!!!!

10:18 PM Hey, here’s an interesting commercial from America’s oil and natural gas industry … seems the future of energy lies in fossil fuels … good to know!

10:16 PM Cute commercial from Turbo Tax. <-----------GOD I LOVE WRITING SHIT LIKE THAT

10:14 PM Hmm, a commercial break .. .that’s unusual…

10:13 PM Okay, here comes the score for Oda aka SHarkboy aka “SOn of the warlord” … my prediction: 83.00 — he got 84.85! Temporarily in third place …

10:09 PM Wow, so much drama from Oda! I thought he did good … “Skated as well as he can …” “Doesn’t have the size and impact …” But remember this is just the short program … the long program is a whole different program …

10:08 PM Do you think ice-skating music would be good to make love to? Hmm.

10:07 PM He’s dominating right now … he’s wearing gloves, which looks really cool, donchaknow … now THAT was a funky-ass spin … what was that? OH HELL YEAH! “ROCK ME LIKE A HURRICANE!!!” Oh shit, false alarm … thought he was about to dance to the Scorpions …

10:05 PM Next up, Nobunari Oda … looking fierce … he reminds me of a shark … goddamn he’s a descendant of a Japanese warlord … that’s what they just said … okay, show us what you got … KILLED the triple axle … damn this kid can jump … he is a truly a warlord — “of the ice” … he’s got a full-on ice kingdom going right now

10:03 PM We’re waiting on the judge’s scores for “Spinderella.” Time for some commercials: This one is about a pharmaceutical, I guarantee it–whoa actually it’s for Diet Coke supporting breast cancer or something … OKAY now we’re waiting Stephane Lambiel’s scores … man he looks really happy and relaxed … I would like to be friends with him … judges say — 84.63. Oof. He doesn’t look happy … but it’s a personal best and he’s in third place …

10:00 PM Gave up 4.7 base points b/c he didn’t do a triple axel … he goofed the quad-toe, just lost more points … he looks good though … he’s dancing on the ice … WHOA THAT WAS a funky move …

9:59 PM Okay, time for another figure-skater … A Swiss guy … the flag-bearer of the Swiss Olympic team … wearing kind of a steam-punk outfit … this must be the BoingBoing Olympics … his name is Lambiel … okay here we go “His costume looks overpowering … burdensome …”

9:58 PM Again with the Canadians trying to trick me into visiting Canada …

9:55 PM Documentary about famous snowboarder Shawn White … he built his own private half-pipe on the side of a mountain so he can practice in secret … ARGGHH the class-warrior in me must root against him…

9:52 PM Commentator on snowboarders: “It’s not enough to be good. You gotta be cool, too.” Words to live by.

9:50 PM Awaiting the scores for Takahashi (the emo guy who just killed it) … here we go … some kind of delay … OH shit, 90.25!!! “It’s on!” We got an ice-skating contest on our hands!!!

9:48 PM HELL yes! “Welcome back! WOw! Thta was done with such personality …” The other commentator: “That was HOT!” No argument here, we’re knee-deep in the hoopla right about now …

9:47 PM This Japanese emo kid is CRUSHING … THE OLYMPICS ARE BACK!!!

9:45 PM OH FUCK YEAH WE AT THE OLYMPICS NOW, BABY “Beautiful triple axle” hell yeah, analyze these jumps!

9:44 PM Ice skating rules. WHen you see some dude skating around wearing a freaky sparkling outfit, you’re like “It’s Olympics time.”

9:43 PM OKAY, HERE WE GO Men’s figure skating. THis Japanese skater has emo hair!!! Is this the first emo-hair-olympics? EMOLYMPICS …

9:42 PM Here’s what’s going on in my house: Last night’s leftover popcorn with smushed up tortilla chips and lime and hot sauce … INTO THE UNKNOWN …

9:37 PM Man I need to drink a beer about this.

9:37 PM Whoa whoa whoa Bob Costas– no pocket square??? WTF WORST NIGHT OF OLYMPICS EVER … dontchanow …

9:36 PM I’m kinda bummed for Jacobellus … those post-race interviews will be brutal … “What went wrong for Lindsay Jacobellus…” replay now … she landed wrong or something … over-corrected … dude she’s BUMMED … her dad is bummed … “no chance to silence the critics and fans alike …”

9:33 PM Guess what? Jacobellus just completely flamed out!!! WHOA she went off the course … “I”m still in shock” … she’s gotta be hating life right now … this was her chance to avenge herself … OMG she’s bummin’ …

9:31 PM Actually I’m kinda feeling the blue lines on the snow on the snowboardcross track … reminds me of TRON … did any of you guys see that movie, it was great … that was one of my favorite video games, too … that joystick was glowing and see-through like a “muh-fuh.” Some lady just won another snowcrossboard race contest, btw …

9:30 PM More snowboard-cross racing … I wish I had that special kind of satellite dish where you can watch every single thing at the Olympics, I would be all over some ice-dancing right now…

9:27 PM If any of my readers are at the Olympics right now reading these posts on their RSS feed, could they please go to the snowboarding track and hold up a sign that says “http://www.mnftiu.cc rules” when the camera sweeps by? Thanks …

9:26 PM This commercial has a gorilla in a car talking about annuities or some such shit I can’t even understand …

9:25 PM A show where marriages in crisis are analyzed by Jerry Seinfeld??? “What will they think of next?”

9:23 PM “Play smart, play fast …” snowboard koan from the announcer … Jacobellus is burnin’ … the snow is all like “Swoosh, swoosh,” here we go, huge jump … last turn … she won the race! Advances to the next round …

9:22 PM Her outfit is psychedlic … very “BOb-COstas pocket-square” … riders ready … GO!!! … they’re off … Jacobellus in the lead … somebody fell …

9:21 PM Oh shit this is important! The woman who screwed up last time doing a triple hangie-louie (or whatever) is back for the gold!!!! Her name is Lindsey Jacobellus … expect hardcore liveblogging … NOW…

9:20 PM Cool, the guy in the GEICO commercial looks like me! (Liveblogging at its finest … get pumped …)

9:18 PM Just FYI, we’re resetting the soul-patch count for tonight’s liveblog. Current tally: 0 (Women’s snowboarding, dontchaknow…) (Is that how you spell dontchaknow? Dontyaknow? Huh? I’m gonna crack that nut, figure out how to spell it, and then use it all night …)

9:17 PM BestBuy makes computers???

9:16 PM Seriously, with the snowboard cross, guys? With these blue lines spraypainted all over the snow? The crowd hooting and hollering like savages? Why can’t the Olympics just be figure skating? I don’t like events that look like Xbox commercials. “Editorial content provided by your blogger …”

9:14 PM Whoa, Gabrielle Union is really pretty! Now I’m watching all these Canadian celebrities try to convince me to visit British Culumbia (sp) whatever that is … some kind of island colony or something …

9:12 PM By the way, tonight I’ve traded wine for stout. Expect a darker, more brooding intensity to my blog posts …

9:11 PM WHAT’D I MISS??? SOME SNOW???

9:08 PM Okay, gimme a minute to go grab my bowl of rice and beans.

9:07 PM WTF, another Omega watches ad? … “Some say time is an illusion …” I think we’re in for a night of some deep-ass metaphysical ads about wristwatches …

9:05 PM Cool ad from Omega watches … understated, elegant … just like my blog …

9:03 PM Damn, one of these ladies is wearing a total motorcycle helmet! It looks bad-ass! Why don’t figure skaters wear motorcycle helmets, they certainly crash enough … Am I right or what people … we’re doing this … liveblogging …

9:02 PM: Let’s do this. More snowboarding tonight … looks like women this time … goddamn snowboard cross AGAIN???

Thanks!

cheers from sao paulo, brasil!

loving the live-blogging of vancouver games, plz keep it up. i’m watching here (there are five brasilians in these olympics) and thankfully there are few commercials . . . but sadly no bob costas, and therefore, no pocket square…your description has me googling an image to satisfy this curiousity…it must be good, i feel it.

Umm, yeah, you could say that! By the end of the night, I was laughing out loud (or, “LOL”ing) every time they cut back to Bob Costas and his pocket square.

I haven’t had a television since I was nineteen years old, so as you can imagine it’s been a long time since I watched the Olympics. Now, thanks to you, I feel I have watched them all–all those lost glorious years returned to me through the magic of wine blogging. I just really appreciate it. I love America now.

It was my pleasure. Not sure if I’ll be able to blog tonight; it depends on multiple factors beyond my control. I would suggest checking back in around 9:00 PM EST.

Also, my head hurts.

11:48 PM Has it really been 3+ hours of blogging? I’m getting tired. I’m more tired than an ice-skater on a downhill luge with fifty snowflakes flying out of their butt.

11:43 PM I think we’re gonna see some Chinese people on the podium tonight. THey did good.

11:42 PM Finally! SOmeone got thrown in the air and spun around and didn’t fall down. Feels good. These two are rippin’ the ice to shreds. Shit is about get melted into water, son.

11:40 PM Are you kidding me with how far that guy just threw that girl up in the air when they were on ice skates?

11:36 PM Mr. Brown Trousers did pretty well … damn, bro, talk about your “buns of steel” … the cameraman just got an eyeful …

11:34 PM Yulia Tymoshenko

11:33 PM Mad upside-down shit goin’ on right now … the woman’s hair reminds me of that one lady from Ukraine … you know who I’m talking about? The Princess Leia blonde woman?

11:32 PM Figure-skater-wearing-brown-trousers alert …

11:27 PM Strong finish by the RUssians, but still … “Fine line between wanting it and wanting it too much …” Maybe that will be the Russians’ downfall? “Surprisingly disappointing performance”– just like this live-blog, NOT!!!

11:23 PM The Russians are looking solid … good leg extension … he’s dragging her around by the leg … now they’re smiling … she skates for Russia but she was born in Japan … for her, skating comes first … audience is clapping along, in the spirit of the moment … ACK SHE BUSTED FLAT ON HER ASS … OMG now he’s holding her upside-down!!! “Not prepared for a performance like this at all” … maybe they got in over their heads?

11:21 PM Here they come: The RUssians. Can anyone stop them? They’re in the #1 position right now … they will skate last … WAIT … they’re skating NOW … repeat … Russains skating NOW …

11:19 PM Costas going DEEP on the figure-skating analysis … of course, my attention is fixated on a certain pocket square … why does it make me laugh so much? I dunno, but I like it … goddamn what is this guy talking about, I can’t even focus on ice-skating analysis anymore … He’s like, “In pair skating, two must skate as one…” What is this, Kung-Fu For The Chicken Soup of the Soul? Am I right or what people …

11:16 PM Did I just watch a commercial about a special faucet that you can turn on with … your hands? Huh??? And now here’s goddamn Morgan “Migraine” Freeman going on about VISA once again … ENOUGH …

11:13 PM Watching a mini-documentary about this American snowboard woman who lost the gold medal last time b/c she tried to do a front-side ollie or whatever (some kind of trick like in Thrasher magazine) and she busted on her ass and came in second … now she’s back and ready for GOLD … we wish her peace and all blessings in her quest …

11:08 PM Of course he has a soul patch. That brings the count to 5.

11:08 PM “Back-to-back golds for Seth Wescott.”

11:07 PM Guys, seriously, snowboarding is jammin’. I didn’t know you could pass a guy while snowboarding.

11:07 PM ALL OF A SUDDEN I’M TOTALLY INTO SNOWBOARDING!!!

11:06 PM OH SHIT YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME HE WON THE GOLD MEDAL IN HIS BLUE JEANS!!!

11:05 PM This American guy Seth Wescott (sp) is about to maybe win back-to-back golds in snowboard-related program activities … let’s see what happens … it’s for the medal, now … snowboard cross or whatever the hell it’s called … uh-oh, Wescott in fourth … Nate HOlland is DOWN … no chance for a medal … Seth Wescott passes the French guy … go Wescott … comin’ up … oh shit, Wescott is burning … OH FUCK OH SHIT

11:01 PM Whoa… they showed a little teaser about Russian figure skating that was so intense I got a little scared … can anyone stop the Russians?