Look how hard those kids are chillin’ with their books at (1:13)! How do you not love those poses? Basically, this video represents one librarian’s dream of a TOTAL BOOK RIOT. “Got my book out / I’m reading for fun / laughing out loud again”

(*You’ll know when you hear it.)

BOOM! Books take first place this week! Friday Face-Offs = reading for fun!

Okay, that was Friday Face-Offs “Election Fever Edition,” aka “Party In The USA,” aka “Newt Gingrich wants all these kids to work as janitors.”

Have a great weekend!

FFO #1

Winning video is next!!! FRI
DAY
FAC
E-OF
FS!!!!

This band is called SWAG SO CRAZY, and they are more hardcore than your most favorite-ist most hardcore band. (Check out the sign they made — you can see it on the bass drum.) Also check out their amplifiers; I wish I could sprinkle fairy dust on them so they would grow 1,000 times in size and bludgeon us with their sounds.

(Sometimes I’m reluctant to include videos like this in FFO competition, lest people think I’m having a laugh at kids’ expense, but I actually sincerely dig this version. It’s soooo specific, you know? It makes me happy — all music performed in school cafeterias makes me happy, because it reminds me of being a kid and grappling with pop music and electric guitars for the first time, which is exhilarating, and that’s why Rick Santorum has my vote because he was the original drummer for Die Kreuzen and not many people know that, but it’s important.)

Friday Face-Offs! ONLY TWO VIDEOS REMAIN! Who will be President, and who will be Vice-President? Only time will tell …

PS: Does anyone reading this remember Old Skull? I just read a Wikipedia article about them and it made me sad.

“Greetings Lord Gingrich — we have slumbered on this lunar landscape for 10,000 years; now we welcome you with our version of humanoid Miley Cyrus’s immortal Party In The USA!”

And Gingrich is like, “Oh no, are you Chinese people? I wanted to colonize the moon before the Chinese astronauts got here!”

And these guys are like, “No, we are obviously indigenous Moon Soldiers; can’t you see our uniforms?”

And Gingrich is all, “Oh, right. Well, do you guys at least believe in the socialist-secular tyranny that threatens the very foundation of American greatness?”

And they’re like, “Dude, we’re literally playing Party In The USA on xylophones ‘n’ marimbas ‘n’ whatnot ON THE MOON, what more do you want from us?”

Boom! Newt Gingrich just got serrrrrrved, moon-marimba style.

FRIDAY
FACE
OFFS

Professional blogger-discretion forbids me from admitting how many times I’ve listened to this in the past 72 hours. Who would’ve thought that slowing and reversing Party In The USA would lead to a melancholy sludge-fest that should leave Kyuss shaking in their boots? The bridge is positively religious. I promise if you listen to this on headphones you will feel really happy, like you’re sucking a purple-syrup sunset through a straw made out of beach-trip memories.

The reason I like reversed/slowed/chopped music is it reminds us how much sonic information lies within every pop song, no matter how insidious and un-serious it may appear at first. It’s like hidden treasures, am I right or what? (HINT: I’m right.) Dr. Luke’s masterly zwhip-zhwoop sound is even more glorious in this version.

(Also, if I was the kind of guy who got full-body back tattoos of elves wandering through fog-storms*, the image for this video would have me sorely tempted.)

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS. We’re having a Party in the USA, and that’s why Mitt Romney has my vote, because he obviously loves to party!!! Go Team Mitt, I support you no matter how rich you are! I LOVE WEALTH, ILL-GOTTEN GAINS FTW

(*Don’t worry guys, I’m not. But I hope you are!)

One more thing:

Friday Face-Offs!

(In all seriousment, I remember the first time I heard this song. It was at the Cat’s Cradle [famous rock 'n' roll club in my hometown]. Not to brag, but I was standing next to Eddie [Polvo drummer] and I was like, “What is this amazing jam?” and he said, “This is Dinosaur Jr’s new single” and I was like, “Goddamn Dinosaur Jr. is on a hot streak right now, they could play this at Major League baseball games and everyone would go crazy!” And another thing is, I usually consider guitar solos the singular lowest form of human artistic expression, but Mr. Mascis’s solos are so over the top, I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for them, because even though 90s alt-rock was anti-guitar solo for the most part, J. Mascis was like, “I enjoy smoking many multitudinous amounts of marijuana and shredding my Fender Jazzmaster, so if you’ll just excuse me, I’m about to solo your face off for a hot minute.“ And this is one of his greatest solos; it sounds like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade fighting its way out of a wormhole.)

And as long as we’re picking non-Party In The USA songs for this week’s Party In The USA FFO, and as long as this week’s installment was inspired by the American political process (aka THE ULTIMATE PARTY), let’s enjoy the following video, which I found after searching for “Party In The USA + Tea Party”:

“You want to take from the achievers / somehow you think that’s fair / and redistribute to those folks / who won’t get out of their easy chair!” Daaaaammmnn, did you know unemployed people don’t even sit in regular wooden chairs?! They sit in easy chairs — the laziest form of chair. That’s cold! (And completely accurate and level-headed and that’s why Newt Gingrich has my vote from now until his ninth wife. [And also I would like to a hear screamo version of this wonderful song.])

My other favorite lyric from this song is “Now we’re not advocating violence / that’s what the so-called ‘peace crowd’ do,” because it reminds me of all the incredibly violent peace protests of the last few years, when all those people got murdered by peace protestors. I think it was like 40,000 people who got strung up and gutted by Code Pink, and there was that one peace protest in NYC when they had to shut down Fifth Avenue because of all the steaming entrails and decapitated heads and explosions, but maybe I will check my historical encyclopedia to confirm that.

“You’ve tried the rest, now try the best: FRIDAY FACE-OFFS.” Our fifth-place winner is up next!!!

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! Next song coming up next!

The address:

MNFTIU BIODOME
c/o FUTURE HOME SOLUTIONS
123 Friday Face-Offs Ave.
Unit 456
New York State, USA
90909

Anyway, I’ve always had a soft spot for monotonous screamo versions of bubblegum pop. These guys do a pretty good job of defiling Miley Cyrus’s masterpiece:

(It’s fun to pretend this was Ms. Cyrus’s original demo of the song, and then the producers were like, “Umm, we’re thinking we should take the song in a more pop direction,” and Miley Cyrus was like, “Urrrggggghh!”)

Back to reality: The breakdown at (2:11) is insane/great/bewildering, like all good pop music. (You heard it here first: All good pop music is bewildering.) My one criticism of this recording is they should’ve kept the crazy-catchy guitar lick at the beginning of the original, because it’s crazy-catchy and would probably sound bad-ass in drop-D or whatever Spencer’s-Gifts tuning those young screamo kids are using these days.

But enough of my kvetching: There’s a party in the USA going on, and we have to get into it! FRIDAY FACE-OFFS

Friend, are you ready to feel healthy and whole again? I hope so … because Friday Face-Offs is back with a VENGEANCE!

Friday Face-Offs

Friday Face-Offs is the only internet tradition that has the vitamins and minerals you need to thrive, jive, and just plain survive in this modern era we live in called “Computer Times.”

I put a lot of thought into which songs to pick for FFO, and this week’s edition is no different. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but America has caught a case of ELECTION FEVER, with candidates talking on TV and driving around the country looking for votes and money and whatnot. It’s a grand tradition, this democracy thing, and America does it better than anyone else — probably because we are the world’s oldest democracy, dating from 1439 A.D., the year of the first election in the American colonies! (”Pilgrim Joe” vs. “Fur-trapper Bartholemew.”)

Anyway, I was thinking about the election and how it’s sort of like a big nation-wide party — after all, there’s yelling, and funny costumes, and kissing (babies), and fighting, and lies, and cheering, and every so often somebody goes nuts and takes off their clothes before throwing up and collapsing in a pool of their own sick (Newt Gingrich, usually). Basically, ELECTION 2012 is gonna be our PARTY in the country of THE USA, and that’s why …

… this week’s Friday Face-Off is “Party In The USA” by SUNN O))) Miley Cyrus!!!

You can watch the original video here:

What can I say? I used to hate this song*, but now I love it. Dr. Luke is an amazing pop producer — he always manages to “make me move my hips, like, yeah.”

Okay, so let’s get to it! FIRST VIDEO IS UP NEXT! It’s Friday Face-Offs!!!

(*Surely, referring to a thankless cab driver as “the taxi man” is one of the most condescending things a teen-pop idol can do, right? Not to mention, getting excited about a Jay-Z song after landing at LAX is blasphemous; she should’ve picked a west coast MC like Boots Riley [LOL])

1. GOTHAMIST
2. NEW YORK OBSERVER

Please note: My pencil-sharpening book will be published in April. I hope you will buy it!

Please join me for my annual performance review. Guests will include JOHN HODGMAN, EMMY BLOTNICK, and more!

information is included on this computer-flyer:

The best food/meals of 2011, all in one amazing video!

So let’s put on our costumes, dim the lights, and take the stage! And now, it’s time for 2011 to take a bow. Break a leg, 2012! Here is the BEST OF THEATRE IN 2011:

10. Movie theatres

9. IMAX

8. Community theatre

7. Summer stock

6. Auditoriums

5. Theatre in the round

4. Black box theatres

3. Stadium seating

2. Modern theatres

1. Incredible theatre!

2011 was a great year for umbrella mishaps: From celebrities fighting with pink umbrellas, to government officials knocking over top-secret documents with their umbrellas, this was a year defined by man’s vexing relationship to his favorite rainy-time accoutrement. Sometimes it felt like all we did was laugh and shake our heads at umbrellas acting up. Defy this analysis at your peril.

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN UMBRELLA MISHAPS OF 2011:

10. “The big rainstorm is coming and I can’t find my umbrella!”

9. “My umbrella just broke when you stepped on it!”

8. Wet umbrella dripping on newspaper; newspaper is now damp

7. Shaking off umbrella and spraying water on lover’s plate of spaghetti; lover throws umbrella out the window in a rage

6. Umbrella fails to open properly; user experience is compromised by exposure to rainwater along the transverse (Diagnosis: n/u4002)

5. Woman caught in thunderstorm; wind yanks umbrella out of her hand

4. “This umbrella isn’t big enough for the both of us.”

3. Attending funeral in the rain; only umbrella available is neon-pink promotional umbrella for BRATZ dolls; mourners are offended; fight breaks out; somebody accidentally falls into open grave

2. Umbrella pokes somebody’s eye out

1. Flimsy umbrellla

Looking to add a little spice to your list-life? Look no further: These erotic, sexually charged lists are for lovers only — they are definitely not “your grandmother’s lists.”

Please note: These lists are frisky, funny, and FOR ADULTS. If you are under the age of 18, please close this browser window NOW.

Without any further ado in see-through lingerie, here are my LATE-NIGHT LISTS (Must credit mnftiu.cc, the filthiest site in the whole world)

DIRTIEST INNUENDOS OF 2011:

10. Sexual innuendos

9. Filthy innuendos

8. Double entendres

7. Adult language

6. Foreign words

5. Porno fonts

4. Late-night lists

3. Bikinis where you just look at them and say, “Girl that’s not right”

2. Dirty puns

1. “That’s not what your mom said whilst I made coitus with her”

The ancient art of “making whoopie” is as old as humanity itself. As much as we hate to admit it, none of us would be here if two people hadn’t decided to have sex for nine hours straight on satin sheets while drinking the finest champagne. Is it any wonder, then, that every year brings new innovations to the “Oldest Hobby Of All Time?”

Here is my list of the MOST SCANDALOUS SEXUAL INNOVATIONS OF 2011:

10. P.D.A. (”public displays of affection”)

9. P.D.E.L.W.M.H. (”public displays of erotic love with multiple hams”)

8. Menage-a-tron (three people in Tron costumes make love while racing glow-in-the-dark motorcycles)

7. “French-kissing Extreme” (French-kissing while eating an entire baguette; a.k.a. “Crumb-smunching”)

6. Kissing in a hot tub during a nuclear bomb explosion

5. Flirty license plates on electric cars

4. Sweatpants with dirty words on the butt

3. Dirty knock-knock jokes

2. Dirty words

1. The most dirty things you can imagine

From newspaper headlines to internet headlines, it seemed like every day of 2011 brought us a new sexual story — each more shocking than the last, until we threw up our hands and asked, “America when did we lose our way?”

Here is my list of the MOST SHOCKING SEXUAL STORIES OF 2011:

10. Political sexual stories

9. Erotic sexual stories

8. International sexual stories

7. Domestic sexual stories

6. Confusing sexual stories

5. Transportation scandals

4. Underwear with so many frills on it, it looks like your lover is wearing a wedding cake on her fanny

3. “Too much sex on TV”

2. “Too much sex at the mall”

1. “Too much sex everywhere”

DIRTIEST NUMBERS OF 2011:

10. 3,291

9. 200

8. 44.0009

7. 55

6. 7.3/2

5. .0000000000000000068

4. 100

3. 33

2. 97

1. 98

“Was that hot enough for you?” See you soon with more of my lists!

From airport bathrooms to private apartments, toilets were everywhere this year. Sometimes it seemed like there were almost too many toilets! But, of course, there can never be too many toilets — they’re just that crucial to us not going poo-poo on our floors.

So let’s put on our Toilet Hats and say thank you to 2011’s toilets: “Thank you, to the wonderful toilets.”

Here is my list of the BEST TOILETS OF 2011:

10. European toilets

9. Shiny toilets

8. Occupy toilets

7. Unknown toilets

6. Port-A-O’Potties (Irish portable toilets)

5. Sleek toilets

4. Luxury toilets

3. Midwestern toilets

2. Compost toilets

1. Ideal toilets

BOOM! Best list ever.

If you’re not having intense experiences every day, you’re not really alive. And no, sitting on your fat heiney while reading the internet doesn’t count. (Except for when you’re reading my lists.)

2011 was a year that cried out for experiences, and you obliged — with enthusiasm. From bungee-jumping to culture-jamming, this year saw more people living their dreams than any other year. It’s time to celebrate how much fun we all had in 2011!

Here are the top ten ESSENTIAL EXPERIENCES OF 2011:

10. Climbing a mountain

9. Having a grandchild

8. Eating at a five-star restaurant

7. Taking a bath with a celebrity

6. DJ’ing a huge L.A. dance party

5. Sailing a boat across the river

4. Doing a genealogy report about your ancestors

3. Astral projection

2. 5K charity run

1. Remembering all the great memories from the year

Here is my list of the TOP TEN MOST IMPORTANT MAGAZINE-RELATED ITEMS OF INTEREST THAT OCCURRED IN CALENDAR YEAR 2011:

10. Subscriptions

9. Color photographs

8. Long articles

7. “Honey, have you seen my magazine?”

6. The future of magazines: What is it?

5. In-flight magazines still going strong

4. Advertisements in magazines

3. Sports magazines

2. The magazine industry

1. Crossword puzzles

2010 was a great year for hardware supplies — and 2011 was even better. This was the year hardware supplies really shined. If you don’t believe 2011 was one of the best hardware-supply years, I don’t want anything to do with you.

Here is my list of the BEST HARDWARE SUPPLIES OF 2011:

10. Duct tape

9. Thermostats

8. Cement

7. (tie) Hammers, Rotary Saws

6. Vinyl Tubing

5. Lutron MA-R-WH Dimmer Assembly

4. Caulk Guns

3. 1/8″ Screws

2. Brackets

1. Construction Paper

Here’s my list of THE YEAR IN SPORTS:

10. Baseball

9. Tennis

8. Swimming

7. Football

6. Balls

5. NCAA Basketball

4. Women’s sports

3. Running

2. The Olympics are coming

1. Victory

Here is my list of 2011’s WORDS OF THE YEAR:

10. Slang Words
9. Internet words
8. Names
7. Verbs
6. Crazy Words
5. Words Screamed By Maniacs
4. 9-9-9
3. Different Words
2. Nouns
1. New Words

LIST FEVER: CATCH IT

To celebrate the end of this important year, I have once again developed THE HOTTEST YEAR-END LISTS ON THE INTERNET.

Ignore all other lists: These are “the only lists you need” to “get ahead conversationally” at your “too many cocktail parties.”

WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO HERE IS THE FIRST LIST:

(Check back in 15 minutes)

Here are my picks for the TOP TEN GREATEST SONGS OF 2011:

10. Songs that made us happy

9. Jingles

8. Songs that made us jealous

7. Instrumental jams

6. Rap songs

5. Country songs

4. Noisy songs

3. Quiet songs

2. Other songs

1. The best songs!

Check back soon for my of my year-end lists!

It makes me sad b/c even when I was a cartoonist making dirty jokes about Dick Cheney and how he’s a war criminal etc, I always knew nothing bad would happen to me — because we have freedom of expression, which is awesome — so when foreign journalists interviewing me about GYWO would ask, “So, has the government reached out to stop you?” I would always say, “I don’t know what it’s like in your country, but here in America we can say whatever the fuck we want and it’s beautiful.”

We gotta keep that! It’s important!

So anyway enough of my old-man ramblings. Here’s one of the comics … the rest are waiting for you at http://getyourcensoron.com/

Thanks — and please STOP SOPA!

All the information is contained in this flyer I made on my computer:

Mama mia, this is an amazing article about Guy Fieri:

“Guy will say whatever he needs to say to prop up his image of Guy as a really nice guy.”

Read it and weep onion rings!

Remember the good times here.

To avoid a quarrel is a setback for sin, for it is a hot temper that kindles quarrels.
A sinner sows trouble between friends and spreads scandal where before there was peace.
A fire is kept hot by stoking and a quarrel by persistence. A man’s rage is in proportion to his strength, and his anger in proportion to his wealth.
A hasty argument kindles a fire, and a hasty quarrel leads to bloodshed.

Blow on a spark to make it glow, or spit on it to put it out; both results come from the one mouth.

–Ecclesiasticus 28: 8-12

It’s one step closer to reality!

Mike Houston of CannonballPress.com even made a special print:

You can buy it exclusively at KaleCity.com!

This one features the ZINGBOT.

Here it is: HERE!

1. I tested some famous dead celebrities’ recipes.

2. Here is the latest Big Brother recap.

Have a great weekend!