ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END, AND SO HERE IT IS: THE FINAL BEST OF 2012 LIST OF THE YEAR. This is the list you’ve all been waiting for — the industry standard that makes the whole industry stand up and take notice. This particular list is the greatest list of all time, and anyone who disagrees doesn’t understand, on some fundamental level, what lists are.

So here it is: THE TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2012!

10. Decent cars

9. Used cars

8. Pretty nice cars

7. “Whoa, that’s a nice car!”

6. (TIE) Scion car by Toyota / Dude Where’s My Car

5. Sports cars

4. Hybrid cars that smell like soap when you accelerate

3. (TIE) “Now, fellas, hold on to your hats when you see this next car — this right here? Is probably the best car I’ve ever had the pleasure of selling on this here car lot where I sell my cars. This car is the car of your dreams, gentlemen. So get ready for some of the best dreams you done ever had about this here car right here. It’s called a Mercury GT7 by Ford Cars.” / Sunroofs

2. Most cars

1. Trucks

That’s it for my lists! Have a Happy New Year and I’ll see you in 2013 on my blog.

Sincerely, David Rees

In fact, if we had to sum up 2012’s abundance of catchphrases with a single catchphrase, it’d probably be, “Better get a baseball mitt to catch these catchphrases!”

But instead, let’s just list the TOP TEN CATCHPHRASES OF 2012:

10. “Tweet my username in 2012″

9. “Later for you in 2012″

8. “Fiscal cliff”

7. “Happy St. Patrick’s Day”

6. “Thank God for what just happened”

5. “2012 is oh-ficially off the HOOK”

4. (TIE) “Did you vote in the election? See ya wouldn’t wanna be ya if you didn’t vote” / “Yo mama so ugly her mirror fell off”

3. “The rich get richer but the poor get dirt sandwiches”

2. (TIE) Current events-related catchphrases / “Best. Umbrella. Mishap. Ever.”

1. Shakespeare, the greatest of all time

A YEAR IS DEFINED BY ITS QUOTES — THOSE FIRST-PERSON STATEMENTS THAT SUM UP EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN A YEAR. Would you be surprised to learn that 2012 had some of the most iconic quotes of the year?

Politicians, celebrities, and even television personalities had something to say in 2012, and those are called “quotes,” and they have little marks — “quotation marks” — and that announces the quotability of the quotes, and that’s what sets apart a quote from a regular statement.

On the other hand, even regular people sometimes make quotes. Think back to the last time you read a magazine: There was probably an article about the new Hobbit movie, and the reporter probably got a “quote” from a regular person, like this:

Tony from Palo Alto, a repairman, said: “I’m excited to watch that new Hobbit movie.”

That, right there, is a quote — exactly the kind of first-person statement we celebrate with this list. So, with a tip of the hat to Tony the Repairman, let’s celebrate THE BEST DIFFERENT QUOTES OF 2012:

10. Funny quotes

9. Quotes that sum up an event

8. Quotes that personalize a huge event so that we can understand it on a personal level

7. Quotes where you’re like, “Daaaamn I can’t believe he said that!”

6. Quotes where you’re like, “God bless you for that wonderful quote that made me cry.”

5. Quotes from the news

4. Quotes from movies

3. Quotes that one person says and another person agrees or disagrees

2. Simply put, some of the best quotes ever

1. Quotes from quote books

Movies, can transport us to worlds, countries, and cities we’ve never seen — and they can be set in the future or the past. (I’d like to see a book do that, or better yet, don’t; I’d hate to see a book get a sprained ankle trying to keep up!)

2012 was a historic year for movies: Not only did we see movies about President Lincoln and Batman 3, we also saw movies about James Bond and Toy Story 3! “Good things come in threes,” so it’s no surprise everybody saw at least three movies this year. It was just that kind of year: A MOVIE YEAR.

Without any more to-do, let’s roll out the red carpet and celebrate the TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2012:

10. Movies with car chases

9. Movies with action/adventure

8. Movies with comedy

7. Movies with togetherness themes

6. Historical movies

5. (TIE) Imagination-based movies / Foreign movies with extended bubblebath scenes

4. Family movies

3. Academy-Award winning movies

2. Movies where you get $5,000,000 every time you watch it — does anyone know if this exists?

1. The most wonderful movies

2012 WAS EXTRAORDINARY, BUT IN ONE ASPECT IT WAS NO DIFFERENT FROM ANY OTHER YEAR: When we needed to keep our papers from flying around, we reached for our turtle paperweights.

Here are the TOP TEN TURTLE PAPERWEIGHTS OF 2012:

10. Iron turtle paperweights

9. Painted-rock turtle paperweights

8. Brass turtle paperweights

7. “What a nice turtle paperweight”

6. The coolest turtle paperweights

5. Adorable turtle paperweights

4. Enormous turtle paperweights: “Yo, is that a turtle paperweight or a turtle whole-desk-weight?”

3. Antique turtle paperweights

2. The greatest turtle paperweights of 2012

1. The greatest turtle paperweights of all time

NOTHING SAYS “MODERN LIFE” LIKE A PICTURE OF A CAT IN YOUR EMAIL INBOX OR ON YOUR WEB. For all the damage the internet has done, and all the ways it’s made our lives worse, it still can’t be beat when it comes to sharing photos of cats that just plain make you smile (and maybe, also, “things that make you go hmm-mm?” with a cat).

Thanks to social media and buzz sites, 2012 will always be remembered as the year cat photos finally grew up. We saw photos of cats making grumpy faces, cats wearing suits of armor like a medieval knight, and cats driving trucks and even breaking the speed limit. “Cat Photo For President 2012″ was heard at all the major political rallies this year, as was “My Favorite Singer Is Cat Photos Online 2012″ also heard at big concerts from Madison Central Garden to the hottest underground clubs.

So get ready for a warm, fuzzy feeling as we review THE BEST CAT PHOTOS OF 2012:

10. Silly cat photos

9. Funny cat photos

8. Adorable cat photos

7. “Can you believe this cat photo?”

6. “Just another day of amazing cat photos, God bless me for being alive in this time of miracles”

5. Satirical cat photos

4. “Meow meow, vote for Romney”

3. Cautionary cat photos

2. Almost the best cat photos

1. The best cat photos

Movie stars, rappers, politicians, and talk show hosts all had something to say about umbrella mishaps this year, and we were happy to listen!

Here are the TOP TEN UMBRELLA MISHAPS OF 2012:

10. Wind blows umbrella into another umbrella in 2012

9. Rain falls through hole in umbrella in 2012

8. Umbrella won’t open, then later in an elevator it opens without being touched in 2012

7. Umbrella drips water all over fancy restaurant, waiter slips on water: “Who left this umbrella here in 2012?”

6. “Lousy good for nothing umbrella!!!” (2012)

5. Credit card is declined while trying to buy umbrella

4. Open umbrella, dead bird falls out — bald eagle, you are sued by the Government for killing our heritage-bird in an umbrella

3. Wind turns umbrella inside out, man laughs at you from across the street, he’s cute, you walk over, he’s the man of your dreams, you start dating and get married, he provides you with healthy children — all because of that crazy umbrella

2. Umbrella breaks

1. The wildest umbrella mishaps

Happily, 2012 was a great year for the fine arts: From major museum retrospectives, to black & white movies, to performance art that raised fundamental questions about “is this art,” 2012 saw a new Renaissance that could compete head-to-head against any other Renaissance from art history with real artists and painters going for the gold.

We must continue to support the arts! Here, then, is the BEST OF FINE ART OF 2012:

10. Art that made us think

9. Art that made us weep or cry

8. Record-setting auctions

7. Museum attendance through the roof for classic art

6. Instant classics

5. Sculpture

4. (TIE) Paintings / Art that made us come together

3. Rebellious art we shall grow to love

2. The art of female nudes

1. Wonderful art

This is bad news for celebrity lovers, but good news for regular people like us: It means that “Celebrities … they’re just like us” has never been more true — or more overweight, because of celebrities getting a little thick around the middle where they’re most fat in their bellies.

Without any further appetizers, let’s feast upon the TOP TEN CELEBRITY WEIGHT GAINS OF 2012:

10. 15 pounds

9. 22 pounds

8. 9.1 pounds

7. As big as two normal-sized celebrities

6. 35 pounds

5. 29 pounds

4. 29.6 pounds

3. 40 pounds

2. The biggest weight gains

1. The most spectacular weight gain of any celebrity

Whether it was “boys behaving badly” or “government is the problem,” if you picked a topic in 2012, you can be sure someone thought there was another side to the story: and so a controversy was born.

One thing we know won’t be controversial is this list of the TOP TEN CONTROVERSIES OF 2012:

10. Celebrities on drugs

9. Politicians and the way they lie

8. Sports and how everyone cheats

7. Do we have to watch 3-D movies

6. That lady who wrote that book that was so dumb

5. Food and it’s too salty / spicy

4. (TIE) “Health insurance is too expensive” / “ObamaCare”

3. The election of 2012

2. “You think I’m wrong but I think you’re wrong!”

1. We’ll never come together because of the controversies

And 2012 was no different — there were so many immortal works produced this year, sometimes it felt like we were living in the Hall of Fame!

You just have to open your eyes (and ears) and look around you to realize how lucky we are! Never let it be said that we don’t live in an era defined by 2012’s wealth of instant classics. Here are the TOP TEN INSTANT CLASSICS OF 2012:

10. That moment when the man you love finally called you back on his 2012-phone

9. The song you fell in love with instantly in the summer of 2012

8. All those magazine articles that changed the way you see the world and made 2012 worthwhile

7. When you heard about the sequel they’re making to your favorite “classic” movie in 2012

6. (TIE) Classical music / Classic car designs of 2012 that will stand the test of time

5. That night you’ll always remember in 2012 when you realized, “This is an instant classic night.”

4. When Tom and Pam got married on the Office and you saw it on 2012 reruns.

3. Gangum Style

2. The hottest instant classics you’ll love for all time

1. “It’s an instant classic!!!” (Bangs fist on table)

You can think of palindromes are the original “internet memes,” since the power of “Madam I’m Adam” lies in its repeatability and its just plain ol’ funniness. (Imagine being Adam and introducing yourself in this way!) No sooner does a news event break on the TV, than Americans are working hard on palindromes to commemorate, make fun of, or just plain reverse-forwards-and-backwards the news event they just saw on TV like how I just mentioned.

Another thing I want to mention is HERE ARE THE BEST PALINDROMES OF 2012!

And so, without further “a-do-da” (PALINDROME) here are the best palindromes:

THE TOP PALINDROMES OF 2012:

10. “Obama, mama I’m mad-O!”

9. “Boehner’s taxes ax a hen’s orb”

8. “XEROX AN OX AREA”

7. “2012’s sis is 2102″

6. “Olympics legend dealt gel to pics o’ Mylo”

5. “Lady Gaga is googoo for Coco Puffs, a gag ydal”

4. “Mars Rover drove to rams over Ma’s oven”

3. “POOP”

2. “Kim Kardashian annihilates darkish milk”

1. “Joe Biden is just bidin’ his time”

WHETHER IT WAS MATH PUZZLES, LOGIC PUZZLES, OR WORD SCRAMBLES, 2012 WAS TRULY THE YEAR OF THE “NABIR STASEER.”* Sometimes it felt like you couldn’t open a newspaper, read a magazine, or go out for a drink with friends without encountering a spectacular brain teaser that challenged your intellect and brought a smile to your face — and a spring in your step from being so close to such a great brain teaser.

(*BRAIN TEASER — the letters have been scrambled)

Nobody knows why there were so many brain teasers this year: Is it due to computers? Apps on your phone? Or just the need of a nation to come together and enjoy some quality brain teasers? Whatever the reason, let’s all agree on one thing: 1.) 2012 was a great year for brain teasers.

And now, the moment you assholes have been waiting for — THE TOP TEN BRAIN TEASERS OF 2012:

10. Number puzzles

9. Mazes

8. Word scrambles

7. Quotation codes

6. Crossword puzzles

5. (TIE) Computer chess / Words

4. Gender ambiguity

3. “You stumped me, my friend”

2. Tricky brain teasers

1. Brain teasers unlike anything seen before

A wise man once said, “The comedian is the truth-teller of society,” and this year we were lucky to hear more truths — both easy and hard truths — than perhaps ever before in history. As we laughed together, cried together, and prayed together, comedians held us close to their hearts and helped us do the bravest thing possible: To simply laugh together.

Here’s my unique take on THE BEST OF COMEDY IN 2012:

10. Comedy tweets

9. Comedy podcasts

8. Comedy books

7. Comedy TV shows

6. Comedy movies

5. Comedy web sites

4. Comedy news

3. Comedians in the news

2. Comedians on tour

1. Some of the best comedy

To borrow from Mark Twain, “The reports of the publishing industry’s death have been exaggerated,” and 2012 was no different. From celebrity memoirs, to the finest literary fiction, to gigantic comic books that weigh 500 pounds and come in all different individual boxes like a goddamn MENSA torture chamber all so you can read about a lady with a plastic leg, 2012 was the year publishing showed us the full spectrum of human ingenuity — and made a ton of money doing it!

So, like the gentleman above, let’s raise a glass at the Alquongen Roundtable to the publishing industry and celebrate THE TOP TEN PUBLISHING INDUSTRY OF 2012:

10. Paperback novels

9. Hardback cookbooks

8. E*book cookbooks

7. (TIE) Magazine exclusives / Blurbs from writers

6. The biggest royalty checks

5. Writers on Charlie Rose

4. Sports memoirs with drug abuse

3. Wealth management books

2. Business books

1. Books that will stand the test of time

It was this simple web app, Twitter, that finally put the “face” in “facial media,” and it’s high time they* did. But don’t take my word for it — you can read all about it: Extra! Extra! … on twitter!

(*The people who invented Twitter)

These year-end lists must change with the times we live in, and since we live in the Age of Twitter, here — for the first time ever — are the TOP TEN TWEETS OF 2012!

10. Holiday tweets

9. Political tweets

8. (TIE) Sports-related tweets / RTs

7. Celebrity tweets

6. Pretty funny tweets

5. Really funny tweets

4. Heartfelt tweets

3. “Tweets that make ya go Hmm-mm?”

2. The best-loved tweets

1. The greatest tweets

(If you’d like to share this list on twitter, please use #hashtag “BestTweetsOf2012″ with the appropriate URL: http://mnftiu.cc — and don’t forget to follow me on twitter.)

THANKS TO ALL THE THINGS CELEBRITIES AND POLITICIANS SAID IN 2012, the year will probably forever be known as “the Year of the Quote.” Whether the quotes were funny, sad, or crushingly stupid, they reflected the realities of life in 2012. Sometimes it felt like for any given situation, somebody famous would say a quote about it and make our lives better — or worse.

That’s the power of quotes, and why it’s time to reflect upon the TOP TEN QUOTES OF 2012.

And so here are the TOP TEN QUOTES OF 2012:

10. “Nothing is impossible — the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” — Audrey Hepburn

9. “Won’t get fooled again.” — Mitt Romney

8. “A new pathway.” — Paul Ryan

7. “What a life. What a crazy, crazy life.” — CNN

6. “It was unlike anything I’d ever seen.” — Passersby

5. “Post this on your wall.” — Anonymous, via Facebook

4. “Didja check out my Spotify playlist?” — Teenagers

3. “When God was handing out noses, he handed me a big fat nose.” — Ronald McDonald

2. “We heard a loud noise and looked around, and then we were like ‘What in th–?’” — Bystanders

1. “It’s 4:20. Do you know where your ganja is?” — Hillary Clinton at the NORML Day of Action Conference

From first-person shooters to light-hearted sports, 2012 will always be remembered as the year videos games finally grew up. Let’s face facts: Video games are an art form, and 2012 was the Louvre (French museum) of video games.

Here are the TOP TEN VIDEO GAMES OF 2012:

10. Video games with cool graphics

9. Video games with funny dialogue

8. Video games with cool music

7. The coolest video games

6. (TIE) Fake tennis / Drive a spaceship

5. Video games where nothing happens except maybe you build a town with blocks(?) and then look at it with your fake eyes inside the video game like a goddamn idiot, America when did we lose our way

4. Video-game reviews

3. Video game tournaments where you can win real money

2. Articles about video games inside video games

1. Call of War: 1872 Revenge Ops II

And that’s all there is to say about VIDEO GAMES.

From the hottest menus to the man who wants us to make friends with pigs before we eat them, 2012 was the year food went viral. Here, then, ARE THE TOP TEN FOOD STORIES OF 2012:

10. Restaurant reviews

9. Food trends

8. The most amazing articles about food

7. Fundamental “food-truths”

6. The future of picnics

5. Food on TV

4. Cookbooks

3. Celebrity chefs

2. Carbo-loading

1. Nutrition

“HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST FAD? IT’S REALLY QUITE SOMETHING.” And so begins another conversation sure to delight, amuse and inspire. Fads make life more interesting — they add “spice” to the banality of existence without God’s grace. Is it any wonder Americans have gone “fad-crazy” in the past few years?

And 2012 was no different. It was a year DEFINED by its fads. From temporary fads to more permanent fads, 2012 can truly be called “The Year of the Fad.” Let’s talk about the TOP TEN FADS OF 2012:

And so here are the TOP TEN FADS OF 2012:

10. Funny fads

9. Silly fads

8. “Fads that make you go hm-mmm?”

7. Internet fads

6. Passing fancies

5. Mail-order fads

4. Trashy fads

3. “I don’t believe it”

2. Classic fads

1. Non-stop fads

Is it any surprise that 2012 had more trends than almost any other year in history? Whether it was online, offline, or on the streets, it seemed like you couldn’t walk down the street without encountering a new trend. Some made us smile; others made us confused. But that’s the nature of trends: And in the case of 2012, it’s safe to say “These are not your grandma’s trends.” Let’s celebrate!

Here are the TOP 10 TRENDS OF 2012:

10. Memes

9. Styles

8. Events

7. Crazes

6. Surprises

5. Amazing things

4. “Did you see that?!”

3. “The question is, did you see that?!”

2. Unforgettable moments

1. Major trends

From trends, to news events, to pop culture and gossip, 2012 was truly a year unlike anything that has come before or since. Some people have already placed 2012 in the category of “Amazing Years of History.” Let’s take stock of everything that could make 2012 the “year it was,” and “that’s the way it was.” America, have we lost our way? And so, without any further ado, a tradition unlike any other: MY LISTS.

Let’s start with “A for Architecture.” It was an amazing year for man’s desire to build to the heights of the sky, as well as for man’s desire to build a wonderful shopping mall. And that’s not to mention residential developments, garages, and even stadiums for basketball teams. If architecture makes the world go round, then three cheers for architecture! And 2012 was no different.

Here are the TOP TEN ARCHITECTURAL STORIES OF 2012:

10. Development stories

9. Skyscrapers

8. Airport designs

7. Building codes/safety regulations

6. Houses vs. Homes

5. Planning a new building

4. Stories about architecture overall

3. Specific things about architecture

2. The changing nature of buildings and structures

1. Infrastructure

And so it begins. I’ll see you soon with more lists!

Like many folks, Occupy Wall Street has been some doing good work in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, helping people on the ground.

Now OWS is launching the ROLLING JUBILEE, a program that has been in development for months. OWS is going to start buying distressed debt (medical bills, student loans, etc.) in order to forgive it. As a test run, we spent $500, which bought $14,000 of distressed debt. We then ERASED THAT DEBT. (If you’re a debt broker, once you own someone’s debt you can do whatever you want with it — traditionally, you hound debtors to their grave trying to collect. We’re playing a different game. A MORE AWESOME GAME.)

This is a simple, powerful way to help folks in need — to free them from heavy debt loads so they can focus on being productive, happy and healthy. As you can see from our test run, the return on investment approaches 30:1. That’s a crazy bargain!

Now, after many consultations with attorneys, the IRS, and our moles in the debt-brokerage world, we are ready to take the Rolling Jubilee program LIVE and NATIONWIDE, buying debt in communities that have been struggling during the recession.

We’re kicking things off with a show called THE PEOPLE’S BAILOUT at Le Poisson Rouge on Thursday, November 15. It will also stream online, like a good ol’-fashioned telethon!

Friends, the line-up is insane. Performers include:

- JEFF MANGUM (Neutral Milk Hotel)

- JANEANE GAROFALO

- GUY PICCIOTTO (Fugazi)

- LIZZ WINSTEAD

- HARI KONDABOLU

- TUNDE ADEBIMPE and KYP MALONE (TV on the Radio)

- members of DAS RACIST

and other great talents including a group of radical nuns! I’ll be playing the role of JERRY LEWIS, emceeing in my tuxedo from MEN’S WEARHOUSE.

This will be a joyful, positive night about people banding together and subverting a predatory financial system in order to help each other. BOOM! That’s a movie pitch right there, goddamn why am I not a Hollywood mogul?!

Anyway, HERE IS THE INFORMATION about THE PEOPLE’S BAILOUT:

- The LIVE SHOW is at Le Poisson Rouge on THURSDAY 11/15, 8 - 11 PM. Tickets are $25 (each ticket buys $500 of distressed debt).

- The LIVE STREAM will be at http://rollingjubilee.org (you’ll be able to donate online)

- Here’s the FACEBOOK PAGE

- The HASHTAG is #peoplesbailout

HOW YOU CAN HELP:

- Spread the word! Share this info with your friends, family, and followers
- Donate money via http://rollingjubilee.org

$25 abolishes an estimated $500 worth of debt
$50 abolishes an estimated $1000 worth of debt
$100 abolishes an estimated $2000 worth of debt
$250 abolishes an estimated $5000 worth of debt

- Host a live-stream party! Get together with folks in your town and watch the show online and donate money and maybe even drink a beer if you’re feeling crazy.

- If you are Jerry Seinfeld or Bill Cosby: Call me about doing a set at the live show! We’ll fit you in.

Okay, that was a really long blog post. I feel very vulnerable right now. Thanks for reading.

Bye!
–David Rees

It will air on late-night TV in early November. You and your friends will see it during re-runs of: Saturday Night Live (VH1), The Soup (E! Entertainment Television), Conan (TBS), The Daily Show, Colbert Report, Futurama, South Park (Comedy Central), and Adult Swim (Cartoon Network).

Please share far and wide! I want to sell more copies of my pencil book! I want to be interviewed on Charlie Rose! I WANT IT ALL

David Rees
NYPL Mid-Manhattan branch
455 Fifth Ave.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
6:30 - 8:30 PM
FREE

The debate did not disappoint. I’m glad I cancelled my kite-making workshop to watch it. It featured many interesting questions and answers, and gave me a lot to think about as I prepare to cast my ballot.

WED 9/19: Union Hall, Brooklyn
7pm Doors / 7:30pm Show / FREE
BROOKLYN BOOK FESTIVAL 2012 BOOKEND EVENT
COMEDIANS WITH BOOKS
Join host Dan Wilbur (author of “How Not to Read”) as he invites his favorite comedians who have authored books of their own! Featuring stand-up comedy from humorists, memoirists, and even a few instructional guidebook-ists, this show will finally get your face out of a book and into the minds of several deranged funny people. Featuring DAVID REES (author of “How to Sharpen Pencils”), JANEANE GAROFALO, AND MORE!

THU 9/20: Union Hall, Brooklyn
7pm Doors / $5
BROOKLYN BOOK FESTIVAL 2012 BOOKEND EVENT
LIBRARIAN OLYMPICS
David Rees (How to Sharpen Pencils, Get Your War On) hosts a night of bare-knuckled bookishness that will test the mental and physical endurance of librarians. Help Rees and Dan Wilbur (How Not to Read; Betterbooktitles.com) judge contests like Sharpest Pencil and Name that Novel. Special guest, author Carmela Ciuraru (Nom de Plume) leads a round of Guess the Pseudonym.

SUNDAY 9/23: Brooklyn Book Festival
11am
“Artisanal Everything”
David Rees (How to Sharpen Pencils), the world’s only artisanal pencil sharpener, in conversation with Sam Anderson, critic at large for the New York Times Magazine. They discuss the artisanal culture of the Hudson Valley, Rees’ pencil business (he hand-sharpens pencils for mail order customers), and the artisanalization of everything in Brooklyn, from mayonnaise to soda.

UPDATE: I posted the wrong video. It’s fixed now. (Thanks Mom!)

Oops! And here’s last week’s installment, which I forgot to post:

The Huffington Post has commissioned 10 new GYWO videos — the first since 2008. Hooray for political cartoons! I hope you like this video; it’s about the RNC. Please share with your friends!

8:49 PM: “Misty May, one of the greatest if not THE greatest…” (talking about volleyball on NBC) Zzzzzzz

8:47 PM: Well, that’s another ad for another TV show I probably won’t buy a TV in order to watch.

8:45 PM: USA wins the two-woman volleyball game! Oh, but it’s only the first set. Man, there’s a lot of ads on NBC’s Olympics. We’re hitting the mute button like every 30 seconds. My mom is talking about exercising at the senior center, about how there are all these crazy ping-pong players at the community center.

8:43 PM: Just spotted a second, larger tattoo on the US volleyball lady. Hmm. “America, when did we lose our way?” Mitt Romney never would’ve allowed that at HIS Olympics.

8:42 PM: A controversy about whether the US team “did a touch” on their volleyball. My head is still spinning from the Romney ad, so I can’t tell what’s what on this beach in London.

8:41 PM: We just saw a Chic-Fil-A commercial!!! It’s really a real business!!! Now we’re watching a Mitt Romney ad about how he saved the Olympics from 9/11(?!) WTF was that a real ad?!

8:39 PM: Must credit Nike headband for USA Olympics Volleyball, cc: NBC Sports Score Update, Olympics Edition / TV Broadcast Coverage (c) 2012 A.D.

8:38 PM: USA up by 2 points in beach volleyball in London. Must credit MNFTIU.CC & NBC Olympics Coverage, (c) 2012 Olympics

8:36 PM: One of the USA ladies has a tattoo on her back. C’mon guys, cover that moldy ol’ angel-looking thing with a band-aid, this is a class event. We’re not riding mechanical bulls for gold medals.

8:35 PM: Just jumping around in the sand and hitting the volleyball while everyone cheers. I guess this sport is okay, but it’s kinda boring to me.

8:33 PM: And we’re back! It’s women’s beach volleyball — I’ve heard a lot about this sport because of some controversy about bikinis and ladies’ bottoms or something. It don’t care if they wear sexy-nurse uniforms, this sport is boring, aka “On Her Majesty’s Secret Snooze-ice.”

8:32 PM: My mom just admitted she doesn’t read my reality-show recaps “terribly intensely.” My dad just said, “It’s wonderful watching commercials without sound.” He basically hates commercials.

8:31 PM: Back to commercials. NBC is doing a good job of balancing Olympic content and commercials.

8:27 PM: And they’re off

8:25 PM: Now we’re watching Lashinda Demus about to compete in the 400M hurdles. The same race we just watched?! Umm, who’s in charge here? Okay, my friend just explained there are multiple heats for each race before the main race. BANG

8:24 PM: Wow, BIG Olympic flame this year! One of the biggest I’ve ever seen. Respect to whatever city is hosting this year’s Olys.

8:22 PM: Now we’re having a contest to see who can do the best Roy Williams impression. (UNC basketball coach.)

8:19 PM: BANG BANG!!! Again: BANG! The race begins … 10 hurdles must be jumped over … somebody FALLS on the first hurdle! A Kenyan FALLS also! Winner is Henova, from the nation of CZE, followed by Brown of USA.

8:18 PM: This is event is the 400M hurdles — NOT a dash as previously reported — it’s hurdles. “God never put a hurdle in my path I couldn’t jump over” –bumpersticker I just invented. BANG and they’re off…

8:17 PM: How do you feel about track and field? It’s one of the hottest sports, and we’re definitely about to see some of it, courtesy of the Olys. Here’s T’erea Brown, about to compete in her first Olys. She’s running a dash!

8:15 PM: Now we’re watching a commercial about baseball games.

8:09 PM: Enough about this guy with the special legs. I wanna see some live sports! This might be the only night I can see the Olys. Bring on the live feed from London!

8:07 PM: Can’t believe I’m actually watching the Olys! I’ve been hearing about them for more than a week and now I’m finally getting to see them for myself. This woman interviewer has got mad crazy teeth; she seems cool.

8:06 PM: My dad is looking up the correct spelling of Verrazano (?) Bridge in his Encyclopedia Britannica. Now we’re watching a report about Oscar Pastorious (?). He’s drinking a weird green milkshake with plants in it.

8:05 PM: We’re all talking about stuff while commercials play on TV. “Olympics memories are made of this.”

8:02 PM: Wu Minxia wins a gold medal! In high-dive jumping! (I’m watching the Olys at my parents’ house; they have a high-def TV!)

8:01 PM: Ladies and gentlemen: It’s the Olymics! And only mnftiu.cc has all your liveblog needs! We’re watching ladies’ diving, which only happens once every 4 years!

Olympics Spirit — catch it if you can!!!

Curtis Stone announces that Nookie and John have won $10,000. They shout and smile, and I cannot help but feel happy for them. Curtis Stone is the perfect host, generous with his wealth. His eyes twinkle handsomely, and I feel an electric charge zapping beneath my skin. Wow. He really is a fine specimen of a man, and before I know it I’m licking the TV screen, enjoying my very own Curtis-Stone flavored popsicle, as my inner goddess does cartwheels through an abandoned bubblegum factory.

(*maybe not)

Dos Cielas is run by twins named Sergio and Javier Torres. They are close personal friends with José Andrés, a chef so famous and talented my chef friend said, “Whoa” with an intonation suggesting “Why is that guy appearing on this dumb show?”

The tension between the desire for perfection and the need to live in a world in which perfection is impossible is a covert theme in the book, and Rees’s frequent allusions to the analogous relationship between an imperfect pencil tip and an imperfect life seem both goofily ironic and utterly sincere.

Many thanks to reviewer Mark O’Connell for his thoughtful response to my work!

This Friday I’m doing a final event for the HOW TO SHARPEN PENCILS tour. Joining me will be John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

You can buy tickets for the event here.

I’m tired! I’m gonna take another nap!

The first recap is here:

Over at the Drapers Arms, Red Team announces they have temporarily changed the name of the pub to British Love, American Pride (!?!). The British patrons, to their credit, are openly furious.

I guess that’s it for today’s installment of my blog.

Let my visit to Salt Lake City serve as a parable about the importance of keeping a positive attitude even as your dreams are ground into black powder by a universe conspiring to destroy you …