From reader BML, a tumultuous tale of Turkmenistan:

my friend was in the peace corps there. one time he got arrested for “being outside after 7 pm without paying for a taxi” which was/is one of the random laws there. they kept him and the other people he was with in one police station for a while but then decided they needed to go somewhere else. but the paddy wagon wouldn’t start. so they asked my friend and his fellow peace corps “prisoners” to run behind the wagon pushing it until the engine turned over, then jump into the back and close the doors on themselves. which they did, mostly because it was funny. I think at some point they were hooked up to a “lie detector” that was clearly, like, an old overhead projector.

I’m an expert on overhead projectors. I’ve used every kind of overhead projector you could possibly imagine, from one end of this great nation to the other. I’ve even used those newfangled overhead video-projectors where there’s some kind of movie camera projecting stuff onto a screen. (Not to brag, but I used one at Harvard, the famous college, and at the HBO Comedy Festival too.) Anyway, if someone knows the hack to turn an overhead projector into a lie detector, let me know and I’ll do a video demonstration and post it on youtube and then we can all run our own overhead-projector-based autocracies!

I have more great things to share with you about Turkmenistan, and about the project I worked on that involves Turkmenistan, but I’m at the library using a free public computer so I can’t upload the stuff I want to show you. But you’ll be hearing more from me soon!

For those of you on the edge of your seats … no, I did not dream about Sharon Stone again last night. I searched but could not find her.

In college I got into lucid dreaming for awhile and learned how to control my dreams. Maybe I’ll get back into that and then go into dream-world and find Sharon Stone and talk to her about China and whatever other stuff she likes to talk about.

I don’t like to brag, but I have the best dreams about celebrities of anyone I know. Close friends know about my infamous Pamela Anderson dream of a few years ago (trust me, it was intense) … others have heard me talk about my recent Lil Wayne dream (yes, I was hanging out with Lil Wayne, yes it was great).

And now, I’m pleased to report a new addition to the canon: Last night’s amazing dream about Hollywood superstar Sharon Stone!!!

Okay, so in the dream I had just finished mowing the yard. Sharon Stone helped me carry the lawn mower into my parents’ basement in North Carolina. No biggie, right? Then … umm … not sure how to put this … but Sharon Stone and I started KISSING ON THE LIPS in my parents’ basement!

After a few moments of ECSTASY, she said something like, “This is why I like kissing– because it keeps changing. At first when you kissed me, I thought ‘he’s not a very good kisser,’ but your more recent kisses have been really good.” (This is after kissing for all of ten seconds!)

WTF and LOL, right? “Tell me how you really feel, Sharon!”

And by the way, in case Sharon googles herself and is reading this … she should know that in my dream, her skin was really sweaty and kind of splotchy, so yeah … might want to look into getting a new dream-stylist.

But overall, a pretty cool dream! I was stoked! Because: Sharon Stone, people! “That’s how I roll.” Now China’s all mad at me, I bet.

Hey everybody, this week’s PUNCHLINE POLL is now up and awaiting your vote at True/Slant. This week’s joke is called “The Afghan Classroom.”

Please take a minute to read the joke and vote on your favorite punchline! Winning punchline advances to next week’s joke!

Polls close Thursday evening.

Many thanks from your humble servant,
David Rees

LOL, this guy has mastered the subtle art of verbal diplomacy! Let’s drop him into the middle of delicate geopolitical negotiations and see what happens! “What kind of shitty name is Ashgabat?”

No, I did not just randomly slap my hands against my computer keyboard … “Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov” is someone’s actual name … and that someone is the president of Turkmenistan!

Remember crazy ol’ Turkmenbashi, the “Daddy of Turkmenistan,” who re-named the months of the year after his family (true) and built a statue of himself that always rotates to face the sun (true) and all that stuff? Anyway, he died. And Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov has replaced him. Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov is not as harsh as Turkmenbashi, but he (Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov) still has some issues. Basically, Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov has promised a bunch of human rights reforms (haven’t we all) but has been a bit slow in actually gittin-r-done.

On the other hand, Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov recently met with Henry Kissinger at the Plaza Hotel! So maybe he’s serious about human rights after all, LOL!

Turkmenistan is a country in Central Asia. They have lots of gas. Europe wants the gas to heat its bistros and cafes and tapas bars and whatnot. But Turkmenistan is a leeetle bit sketchy.

Ladies and gentlemen, do we have a moral dilemma on our hands???

It got so busy I couldn’t blog. I don’t think that has ever happened before. And the shop is still standing … and there’s more wine to sell … so for now, I say “Happy Thanksgiving” and I will talk with you soon …

Holy smokes, I’ve never seen anything like this … insanity … so many bottles flying out of the shop … we are deep into “off the hook” territory … compass needles spinning every which way … chaos … highlight so far was hearing “Ooh Child” by the Five Stairsteps (?) pumping through the speakers while ringing  up a mixed case … “the good life …”