Hello, internet friends.

Donald Rumsfeld’s memoir “I Am A War Criminal” (I think that’s the title) comes out today.

Join me and a bunch of other folks to celebrate tonight at Pianos on Ludlow Street. It will be a night of reflection and renewal!!!

It’s been too long. New FFO drops tomorrow morning. Get ready.

There’s a new year, in case you’ve haven’t heard. It’s called 2011. And we’re deep into it.

How about we have a nice FRIDAY FACE-OFFS to celebrate? It’s only been, what, ninety-four months since the last one? Okay, yeah, let’s kick it FFO-style to celebrate the new year.

This week’s song is “Replay” by Iyaz. Listen to the original here:

Guys, do you think they used computers and/or machines to make this song? Part of me almost thinks they did … almost.

Okay, let’s get to it. First contestant coming up soon. FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!

(I guarantee that if you do your due diligence — listening to every version of Replay I’m about to share with you — by the end of the day, this song ["Replay"] will indeed “be stuck on replay” inside your head, just like Iyaz’s shorty is stuck inside his head, forever stuck on replay!)

Ohhh yeah, this is how you set it off Friday Face-Offs style! Ring-a-ling-ding, Ma Bell in the house!

Can you smell what the Rock is cookin’? (By “Rock,” I mean “whoever the person in this video is.”) He’s cookin’ up phone-jams for the new millenium! This person is basically the Vladimir Horowitz of phones. And to think, some losers need iPhones to make music on phones. “Ooh, look, I downloaded this app that lets me play on a little piano keyboard on my phone!” Motherfucker, why don’t you just bust out your old-ass phone and roll up your sleeves and apply some good ol’ fashioned elbow-thumb grease? Go ahead, shorty. Get your thumbs stuck on Replay.

Friday Fone-Offs! “ET phone home, because we’re rocking on phones, and we need your phone.”

QUESTION FOR PHONE SCIENTISTS: What would happen if you made this phone-song your phone’s ring tone? Would the whole universe collapse into a black phone-hole made out of phones?

(I’m about ten seconds away from inducing asemantic metamorphicism, the condition when you’ve said “phone” so much it starts to sound really weird and non-wordlike.)

Phoooooone.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS

Stuck on replay
replay
replay

Basically, the reason this video is in competition? Is because it contains the hugest instant jump in guitar-tone quality I’ve ever heard (0:12)! Seriously, that’s a pretty dramatic upgrade, right? I’m having a hard time thinking of a record with a guitar that graduates so quickly from pre-K to PhD like that. I guess that’s the miracle of effects pedals …

But still, no, this is better than just stomping on the average effects pedal. Because that initial guitar tone? Is really bad. Maybe he has a special pedal that makes things sound super-duper crappy, in order to make the leap to “rockin’ my balls off” more dramatic. Which is probably why you get that classic hair-flip eye contact move as soon as the tone kicks in, where he’s like, “Yeah you like that don’t you. Get ready to get this shit extremely stuck on replay.”

Also you gotta love whatever Cththtuluhu-type demon he summons at around (1:35.) Goddamn I love scary sounds like that.

Another interesting thing about this video is, it really helps me appreciate that the melody for “Replay” is not especially sophisticated, and when Iyaz brags “Oh girl, I could write you a symphony,” I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not technically true.

But maybe … it is?

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! Putting Gustav Mahler on heavy notice since 2008!!!!!!!!!

Replay-play-ay-ay

I think somebody likes playing the guitar. I think somebody really likes, like: LIKE-likes playing the guitar.

Not to brag, but I like to do lots of different things. However I definitely need to find something that makes me feel the way playing the guitar obviously makes this guy feel. What mood is that? That guy is chillin’ sooooo hard.

Truly, guys, just watch this entire video and focus on the guitar player. I GUARANTEE you will start laughing out loud with happiness vis a vis how amazingly hard he is deriving pleasure from being alive.

He kinda looks like Mac from Superchunk — another guitarist who really likes to play guitar — but really, there’s no comparison: Compared to this guy, Mac is like em-effing Andy Rooney on the guitar. Hell’s bells, compared to this guy EVERYBODY is Andy Rooney. Great, thanks to this guy, we now live in a world populated entirely by Andy Rooney simulacra. Great, just great.

You know the thing I don’t understand about the internet? Why is there all these videos on it? Hmmph. Look at how messy my office is, THAT PROVES I’M SMART.

Here we all are, talking about music:

(Actually, this video of us is pretty great. “I don’t know who Lady Gaga is.”)

Friday Face-Offs-Offs-Offs-Offs (stuck on replay!)

I can’t tell if everything in this video is from fifteen years ago, or from fifteen years from now. All I know is I’m going to buy my dad that shirt for his 80th birthday.

FREIGHT TRAIN OF SOUND APPROACHING YOUR HEAD.

If you’re wondering what the framed documents on the wall are, one is a diploma for “Most People Playing ‘Replay’ Simultaneously on Acoustic Guitar In Human History,” and one is an award for “Best Microtonal Vocal Rendition of ‘Replay’ in Human History,” and one is a certificate for “There Are Three Plastic Cups on the Table.”

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! We’re stuck on replay!

As long as I’m typing on my computer, maybe I’ll just go ahead and admit that for the longest time, I thought the lyric “it’s like my iPod stuck on replay” was “it’s like my EYEBALL stuck on replay.” Crazy, right? But it kinda makes sense, in that loopy pop-song logic — the logic that drives Andy Rooney into AN ECSTASY OF BEFUDDLEMENT.

As a former member of SPEBSQSA, I gotta give it up for this young man. He is 4,000% barbershop. He’s got the classic harmonies, the classic facial expression, the classic BARBERSHOP PRIDE!!!

Also, according to his notes, he lives in Hawaii where apparently it’s noisy as shit outside so he had a frustrating time recording. Here’s everything he lists that was going on outside his window:

“birds, cars, leaf blowers, construction, kids playing outside, people practicing instruments, airplanes, helicopters, etc. etc. etc. “

What the hell is going on over there in Hawaii? “Leaf blowers?” WTF? They have leaves that fall off trees in Hawaii??? “People practicing instruments?” Double-WTF?????? Who’s practicing an instrument in Hawaii? Just go to the beach and drink a rum.

Here’s some free advice for whoever the mayor of Hawaii is: Maybe you should re-name Hawaii “Cacophony Archipelago.” (Actually that’d be a good name for a grindcore band. I wonder if Hawaii has a big grindcore scene? I must remember to google that the next time I feel like I’m about to do something productive.)

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been thinking about this whole Hawaii-is-noisy theory and it doesn’t add up. I can’t believe it. I’ve got my misconceptions about Hawaii stuck on replay. Great, just great: another paradigm-shattering edition of Friday Face-Offs. How many more of my precious paradigms are going to be shattered, just so you people can keep watching all the great videos I find on my computer??? “Bartender, pour me another Andy Rooney. Better make it a double.” (Whatever that means; I just typed it for fun.)

OH MY GOD I’M LOSING MY MIND LISTENING TO THIS SONG ON REPLAYyyyy

Two more contestants to go! It’s Friday Face-Offs!

How come nobody told me about “Pencil Beats?” You guys realize I make my feeling sharpening pencils, right? (I should put the link here but I feel very tired from all the replay.) Anyway, now I gotta re-invent my business and expand into “musical-pencil sharpening services.” Very well. GAME ON.

(I know this kid — “Shane Bang” — is using ballpoint pens and not pencils, but still — the video is called “pencil beat remix,” and once he tries one of my custom-musical-sharpened-artisanal pencils, he won’t be going back to pens, believe that. And neither will any of you. Believe you me that.)

The best thing about this video is he stops playing “Replay” (which is, guys, let’s admit, no offense if Iyaz is reading this, but really, not such an objectively magnificent piece of songcraft) and makes his way to Jason Derulo’s “Whatcha Say,” which is an amazing song, and now I’m wondering why I didn’t choose it for the grand return of FFO. I know I started researching it, and Lord knows I have listened to it in my automobile whilst zooming around on errands. Maybe I’ll do it later this year. Anyway, yeah, just make sure you get to (2:18), because that’s the total jump-off. And then watch to the end, where something LSD-related seems to happen.

Oh, right, maybe I should post the video so you guys know what I’m talking about:

Friday Face-Offs! WINNING VIDEO IS NEXT

Replay
replay
replay
replay
replay
replay

Well, we started the day with somebody using a cell phone to play “Replay,” and then we just saw a young man play “Replay” using pencils, so I guess it’s okay if we cut all our arts-education funding, because if people can’t afford to learn instruments, they can always just pick up some household junk and go “plink-plonk-plink” along to a pop song, right? “Are you there, Ayn? It’s me, Newt Gingrich.” (Give it up for the CPAC conference, I think it’s still going strong today.)

Honestly at this point I don’t even know what I’m typing about. I’m really tired and — guess what? — I have a certain song stuck in my head AS IF IT’S ON REPLAY.

Let’s get this over with: Just pick some random song and say it’s the winner and go lie down for a minute. What is he singing about, “She’s the gun to my holster?” That doesn’t make physiological sense and it just barely makes metaphorical sense. And you know if something doesn’t make metaphorical sense, you’re in some dicey water!

OH MAN I FEEL WEIRD. IT’S TOO MUCH REPLAAAAAAAY

Here’s our winning video! REPLAY IS THE BEST SONG EVER

I know, it’s just some guy beatboxing to the world’s most insidious song. I don’t care — he wins this week. After all, I’m grading on a curve: THE CURVE OF MY MADNESS

Friday Face-Offs! Whew, this edition edged closed to the danger zone. Next time I will pick a song that I can stand to listen to more than five times.

!!!! OKAY WAIT LAST-MINUTE ADDITION:

This guy wins; I’m stripping the beatboxer’s title. Executive decision. I don’t care how old I get, I will never understand scratching. How do they do it? I’m not even doing an Andy Rooney joke, I am honestly befuddled. Once I saw the X-Ecutioners (famous scratchers) play a show and I couldn’t even keep up with what was happening. All I know is, if I could scratch records like this, it would be all I would ever do. Maybe I’ll sign up for an adult eduction class about scratching.

I think Iyaz implanted a bag of sand behind my left ear.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!!!!!!

Have a great weekend.

Dear readers, I’m sorry I haven’t updated my web log (”blog”) in a while. Here are some thoughts/reflections I’ve had recently:

- The situation in Libya is crazy;

- The Oscars are coming up soon, let’s hope the best nominees win in each category;

- Social media is changing the way people interact with culture in ways we will never understand so don’t bother trying;

- “Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery;”

- Abraham Lincoln is STILL my favorite president

Oh! One other thing is that WINE STORE LIVEBLOGGING will return on March 7. So get ready with all your wine-related questions!

Also, I think I will have an important announcement re: Artisanal Pencil Sharpening later this week.

Have a great day and I will “blog” with you soon!

Your pal,
David Rees

I’m happy to say that my book “How to Sharpen Pencils,” a practical guide and manifesto, will be published by Melville House in Spring 2012.

Reader R sends along this note:

The attached banner ad reminded me of good times reading Filing Technique so I thought I’d pass it on.

I love motorcycles in offices:

Check this web site at 8:00 PM EST for exclusive Oscars liveblog!!! Tonight we’re making Hollywood history!

7:30 PM Okay, that’s it for red-carpet liveblogging. Official liveblog starts at 8:00 PM EST.

7:28 PM I’m simply overwhelmed with jealousy with all these gowns. Some of them look like they have sequins or sparkles! “What will they think of next, in Hollywood’s gown factories?”

7:27 PM Everybody looks amazing — beautiful, handsome, and healthy! And the gowns. Ladies and gentlemen, how much do we love these gowns? “I guess angels are real,” that’s what I say whenever I see a beautiful Hollywood person in one of their gowns.

9:29 PM Nominees for Best Supporting Actor by a Man: Christian Bale, “The Fighter” / John Hawkes, “Winter’s Boring” (gotta see he was pretty bad-ass in this movie) / Jeremy Renner, “The Town” (would his character win in a fight against John Hawke’s character? That would be a good fight. / Mark Ruffalo, “Oh, Those Crazy Kids!” / Jeffrey Rush, “The King Who Wouldn’t Shut Up.” And the best actor in America this year is ……. CHRISTIAN BALE, the ultimate fighting machine!!! He has a big beard tonight. Maybe it’s his “lucky beard.” Will somebody throw a shoe at him? I think he’s a controversial figure in Hollywood, because he screams at people on movie sets like a maniac, and also, he’s from a country that isn’t America, maybe it’s England. Ooh, he just plugged somebody’s blog! (Probably the guy he portrayed in “Fighting Boxers.”) I really liked Christian Bale in Rescue Dawn, by Werner Herzog. Damn, I just realized “The Fighter” is winning awards tonight! I guess it really “came out swinging like a boxer.”

9:23 PM Now they’re gonna do a musical number, I guess. Anfernee Hardaway is singing a song. Man, I think I don’t understand pop culture anymore. Sometimes I look at my television, and I’m like, “What madness be this?” And now James Franco is dressed like Marilyn Monroe. Now hear comes the sexiest lady on earth — HELEN MIRREN — and the least sexy man on earth — RUSSELL BRAND. Best foreign-language film: Biutiful / Dogtooth (heard I’ve gotta see this one / missed one / Incendines(?) / Outside the Law. And the best foreign country is: DENMARK! For “In a Better World.” And now the king of Denmark is making a speech: “Ladies and gentlemen of America, thank you for this honor. America drools, Denmark rules. Prepare for the coming Age of Denmark. We will crush you like the bugs that you are. Death to America, hooray for Denmark. The End.” THE GREATEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH EVER!!! I finally have Oscar fever!!!

9:16 PM Best Original Screenplay is up next! Life-Something-Or-Other / The Fighter / Inception (aka “Exposition Explosion”) / The Kids Are On Drugs / The King’s Speech. And the best screenplay ever written is ………. THE KING’S SPEECH! (This movie is gonna kick ass tonight, that’s what I think. It’ll win all the awards, or at least 2% of them.) So basically, this screenwriter is about to give a speech about his movie that he wrote about a royal king who couldnt’ speak English so they hired Helena Bonham Carter to teach him vocabulary or something, I truly don’t know because I don’t see boring movies about “Your majesty”-this and “Old times were so interesting”-that. Good speech. I would rather see a movie called “The Guy Who Wrote ‘The King’s Speech’’s Speech.”

9:15 PM He’s totally ignoring the orchestral “Shut Up Music.” I like the cut of this guy’s jib. Keep talking, keep growing, keep writing Mr. Sorkin, America officially loves you now! Please rejoin Scientology.

9:13 PM Here comes Best Adapted Screenplay! 127 Hours / Social Networks / Toy Story 9 / True Grit / Winter’s Bone! And the winner is … AARON SORKIN for FACEBOOK 2000!!! First Academy Award for Mr. Sorkin (aka “Chatty Dialogue Guy”). is this the guy who left Scientology and the New Yorker wrote an article about him?

9:05 PM And the awards for best feature animated movie: How to Train a Dragon / The Illusionist (old-school animation, looks good) / Toy Story 3 (odds-on favorite, I think) / and that’s it? Only three nominees? Oh well. The winner is: Toy Story 3. Another Oscar for Pixar Cartoons, the people who make cartoons with computers and good solid storytelling chops and have all the money. Why is this guy thanking Steve Jobs? Is Apple Computers involved in Pixar? I tell you, sometimes I just can’t keep up. I should read more. I mean, I read, obviously, but maybe I need to read more things about the movie business and the computer business, because I think they’re getting more connected.

9:04 PM I think it would be fun to make an animated movie with a bunch of crazy people and then win an Oscar.

9:01 PM Here come Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, from “The Black Swan.” Wait I don’t think Justin Timberlake was in the Black Swan. They’re here to present an award for “Best Animated Cartoon of All Time.” Now they’re doing a tribute to Shrek, the first animated movie in Academy history. Sorry, this is for best animated SHORT film, not regular-length cartoon movie. Is it just me, or is this Oscars show not really flowing very well? Winner: “THE LOST THING!!!” Best animated short. It’s two guys accepting the award. One is short and one is tall. I am verrrry bored right now. Guess I haven’t yet caught “Oscar fever.”

8:57 PM Melissa Leo was amazing in “Frozen River,” so I’m glad she won this year. We are in a very loose, free-form comedy Oscars vibe right now. Kirk Douglas flirting with Melissa Leo! (This actress took out ads about how she did a good job in her movie and everyone should vote for her and all the haters were like, “Oh, that’s so gauche.” Really? Get over it, it’s just Hollywood dreams, people! Everybody’s gotta take out their own ads in the trade publication of life.) This speech has some awkward silences. I think she’s gonna get cut off soon by the orchestra … Not sure what to say about that speech. I guess it was pretty good.

8:51 PM Back from commercials. “Hey we gotta pay the bills.” Next up, a living legend: Kirk Douglas. Standing O poppin’ off real hard right now. Everybody rises for Hollywood royalty, and among royalty, Kirk Douglas is king. He looks and sounds pretty old. I think he had plastic surgery of the face. He’s making people laugh with his jokes. But I’m having a hard time understanding him. Oh, he’s doing best SUPPORTING ACTRESS! Amy Adams is nominated for “Hardcore Punch-Fighter.” Helana Bonham Carter is nominated for “The King’s Speech,” Jackie Weaver nominated for “Animal Kingdom” (which I heard is awesome and I want to see it since I saw so much Oscar-nominated junk this year), Melissa Leo for “The Karate Fighter Of Madness,” and Hailey Steinfeld(?) for “True Grits Taste Delicious, You Better Eat ‘Em and Do Your Dishes.” And the winner is … wait for it … a little joke first … a cane-related joke that was genuinely surreal … and now, the winner is … he’s killing it, actually … a good pay-off for Kirk Douglas … the winner is: MELISSA LEO!!! Fuck yeah!!! I knew those ads would pay off! Fuck all the haters!!!

8:47:30 PM The winner just took a big breath. It sounded nice. He’s got a raspy voice. He sounds like conspiracy radio host Alex Jones. Could it be Alex Jones? Alas, no, it’s some guy. But he gets points from me for thanking his “union crew.” I wonder if we’ll hear a lot of union shout-outs tonight, given what’s going on in Wisconsin, and given the fact that lots of people in Hollywood are in unions, like the writers union and the actors union. (Am I blowing your mind with how much I know about Hollywood right now?)

8:47 PM Next up: Cinematography. Oscar goes to INCEPTION for best cinematography. Really? I think I don’t understand what cinematography is.

8:46 PM Okay, he didn’t call Burton a genius, he said something about the “wacky world of Tim Burton,” which I found appropriately condescending.

8:45 PM If this Alice in Wonderland winner calls Tim Burton a “genius” I will eat my blog on butter-fried toast. The winners seem emotional, overwhelmed. A humble pair, true in their craft of art direction and set decorator and who-knows-what-the-fuck-else these people do.

8:44 PM The nominees are fantasy movies and old-timey movies. Oscar = Alice in Wonderland. Okay, kill me now. This is gonna be the worst Oscars of all history.

8:43 PM And now, a tribute inside the Gone With the Wind tribute: It’s a tiny tribute to “Titanic,” by James Cameron. Guys, what’s going on? I can’t tell what’s up. Are the Oscars already broken? WTF is happening. Oh, I get it: This was all a build-up to the nominees for Best Art Direction.

8:41 PM And now, a tribute to “Gone with the Wind,” a famous movie about a crazy lady who lived on a plantation(?) and the man who couldn’t frankly give a damn about her. Wait, was that a tribute? What just happened? Now Tom Hanks is talking about Gone With the Wind, which was a historical Oscar-winner. I have NO IDEA what is happening right now.

8:40 PM Now they got some moms making jokes about the hosts. James Franco is giving props to his grandma. Everyone claps! Marky Mark joke in the house! Lesbian joke in the house! “tonight we will honor the great films and talents.” I’ll drink cocaine to that!

8:39 PM I like Anfernee’s dress. It looks like a WWE belt. Now they’re talking about how James Franco got nominated for an Oscar award. He’s being silly right now, which is why we call James Franco, “Kid Weirdo.”

8:38 PM Here are our hosts for the evening: James Franco and Anfernee Hardaway. They both look great. But no standing ovation??? What is wrong with you, America? Stand up when the hosts enter the room.

8:37 PM My eye itches.

8:34 PM Start the awards! This tomfoolery is taking too long. I want to see some gowns and glitz and gimlets! Does this long-ass skit mean they’re won’t be a musical number??? Now we’re in a Black Swan parody, which is already twenty times better than that P.O.S.* movie. (*”Piece of S.”)

8:33 PM Now the actors are inside the movie called “The Fighter,” which is nominated for an award of some kind.

8:32 PM Live from Hollywood, it’s the Academy Awards of America!!! Now they’re showing some movie satire films. It’s a comedy showcase featuring lots of actors and actresses … even famous names of comedy. Are you watching this? I can’t really explain it.

8:31 PM They’re showing clips from a bunch of movies. I bet it’s the movies that were nominated this year.

8:30 PM The Oscars have started!!! It’s a night of Hollywood dreams, of glitz, glamour and glam … and I am ready to liveblog the living fuck out of it.

8:03 PM Well, it turns out the Oscars don’t start until 8:30 PM EST. I’ll see you then. Until then, see you on the red carpet!

8:00 PM And the Oscar for Best Liveblog goes to … ME. Let’s do this.

You know what? The Oscars are boring. I’m quitting my liveblog. Sorry guys … I just can’t get into the Academy Awards this year. I’ll see you soon … on the BORING carpet.