I’m finally back from Chelsea’s wedding. Thanks for everyone who wrote asking if I was okay. I am okay. I’m more than okay. I had the most amazing time with all my new friends!

Anyway, I’ll be liveblogging Minute to Win It tonight at 8:00 PM EST. See you then!

8:30 PM Does Nathan have a back tattoo or just a hairy back? I can’t tell. Can someone in the studio audience te– HOLD ON wait a minute Nathan is talking about his time in the military. Is it DADT? Oh wait no, it’s about his dad died of cancer. Oh shit, these dudes are TOTALLY gonna win a million dollars. I can’t call this hard enough. Oh wait, his dad is still alive? I’m confused about his personal story. Oh shit Guy Fieri is upping the ante by talking about how his sister has cancer? We’re on some high-drama ish right now! This ish is getting sooo intense! Music is tugging the heartstrings right now!!! We’re about to see some people win a cool million or my name isn’t “World’s Greatest Minute to Win It Liveblogger …”

8:29 PM Okay. I’m going into Sy Hersh mode again. The producers are stacking it so these guys win a millie. They just did a damn cereal box puzzle in like 20 seconds.

8:25 PM Outsourced, the hot new comedy that I have now seen 100 ads for, will be a big hot huge failure (my prediction).

8:22 PM My new liveblog feature is called “Instant Commercial Grades.” It begins now.
WENDY’S AD: B-
SUBARU AD: A
RADIO SHACK AD: C
YOPLAIT DELIGHTS AD: C+
LOWE’S AD: A- (I love the woman in this ad) /
CREST PRO HEALTH TOOTHPASTE AD: F (Booooorrrrrrriiiinnngggg)

8:21 PM This challenge is called “The Goat-Carcass Scramble.” They have to rearrange all the body parts of a dead goat. (”Fake challenge joke” never gets old for me.)

8:20 PM Why are her shorts so short and tight? Is that the style for game-show contestants? You never saw that on $ale of the Century (one of my all time faves).

8:17 PM I can’t tell WHAT the hell this $75,000 challenge is about. It’s called “Layin’ Track.” I hope they have to lay down a hot track over a Prince Paul beat. Freestyle rap battle begins now! You have to rap a whole song in one minute! Just kidding, what they have to do is create a track made out of staples and use it to guide a marble over some erasers. Basically, somebody was smoking some “hurb” in the office and got reaaaaally nice ‘n’ baked and developed this game, right? This show is about smoking drugs and winning money. I bet the executive producer is secretly Lil Wayne. Anyway, guess what? Chelsea just cold-won $75,000! These two contestants are gonna win a goddamn million dollars tonight — I’m calling it now.

8:16 PM Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was arrested! I didn’t know “Having a huge douchebag for a father” was a crime …

8:15 PM Hell yes! It’s about time Stop & Shop got a good commercial. It’s a pretty jamming supermarket.

8:14 PM That Wheat Thins commercial was basically my ultimate fantasy. Some guy shows up at your house and drops off 10,000 boxes of Wheat Thins? “Where do I sign up?”

8:13 PM I’m going to run to the kitchen and grab a bottle of beer. I’ll be right back. Email me if something insane happens in the next 30 seconds, beginning …. NOW.

8:10 PM Umm … could this challenge be any easier? Chelsea and Nathan are straight dominating right now. Who thought this was an appropriate $50,000 challenge? Somebody’s head better be on the chopping block for that. That was like a $40.92 challenge!!! Oh snap, it’s time to learn about the contestants’ families. Chelsea is a “daddy’s girl,” and Nathan is a soldier. But you know what? I just heard a tingle on my ol’ gaydar. I think Nathan might be gay. That means Chelsea and Nathan won’t get married! And goddamn, their parents still look younger than me, even a week later! (Because remember when I mentioned that last week?)

8:08 PM Oh, for God’s sake, stop promoting the Million Dollar Coin-Flip Challenge, we all know nobody will ever win it. Anyway, back to “Bouncer,” which involves ping-pong balls and pint glasses. You can play this game at home, just text 23592 to “MinuteWinIt” and Guy Fieri will drive to your house and eat your nachos while you play.

8:07 PM That was a pretty effective McDonald’s commercial. It was about going to Mickey D’s and buying a frappe and drinking it all by yourself: “Me Time.”

8:05 PM Next contest is called “BOUNCER.” Aaaaand … immediately go to commercial. I’d love to know how much crack cocaine the editors of this show smoke every day. Fifty pounds per editor? Mixed with Gatorade Frost for extreme high-energy madness?

8:04 PM Gotta admit my arch-enemy Guy Fieri is shining right now, revealing the can-tab-amount-stickers. Milk it, Guy! Loving this — Chelsea and Nathan (sorry, “Nate”) just won $10,000! I hope they win a million dollars and spend it all on a completely crazy wedding.

8:03 PM Umm, did Chelsea just call Nathan “Nate?” That implies a certain shall we say familiarity, a certain EROTIC KNOWLEDGE that is without precedence on Minute to Win It … can he sort the cans in time? SEX IS IN THE AIR ON MINUTE TO WIN IT, IF YOU ASK ME …

8:01 PM This challenge involves soda cans filled with coins. They must sort (or “file”) the cans. I would CRUSH this event b/c I love sorting and filing. I even used to make cartoons about it. (Ask my grandmama, she’ll tell you all about it. It was back in the dial-up days.) Here goes Nathan …

8:00:45 PM Chelsea and Nathan are BACK! My favorite contestants are deeeeeep in the game at this point … I predict love in their future, if not wedding bells! I love these guys, I hope I can liveblog their wedding. (Did I tell you about my new business plan? Wedding Liveblogger. Call me for my rates.)

8:00 PM Here we go! Another summer Wednesday … another episode of “Minute to Win It” … another liveblogging spectacular NOW IN HIGH-DEFINITION INTERNET… I love it, you love it, and America (our country) loves it …

9:06 PM LATE-BREAKING NEWS: This show called America’s Got Talent is amazing! “And that’s the news from Lake Woebegyone.”

8:57 PM This show is inside my head now. I want Nathan to win it! But oh no! Game over! They won $250,000. And also they won our hearts, and that’s worth more than money. (Just kidding, money rules everything! C.R.E.A.M.) See you next week! I’ll be liveblogging MTWI from North Carolina; it’ll be amazing!

8:55 PM They’ve switched: Now Chelsea is doing the spoon game. She took off her jacket — she’s wearing a 25th century exercise outfit from Moon-Base Alpha. Uh-oh! They failed again! Maybe they won’t win the million bucks … my credibility as a Minute to Win It sage is in jeopardy …

8:54 PM They should call this show “Redundant Interview Showcase.”

8:53 PM Come on, Nathan. Use the spoon to hit the marbles, or whatever. Umm… wait, this looks easy to me. Ugh. One fell off the table. “Level 9, FAILED.” Only two lives remaining — then the contestants are literally murdered.

8:49 PM Oh great, the Million Dollar Mission: “Super Coin, the Game That Can Never Be Won By Any Mortal.” Oh shit, though: I really, really, really like this audience contestant. “Big D.” Oh shit, I just dropped a literal LOL on this kid. Please, please, please, “Big D,” win this insanely impossible challenge!!!

8:47 PM I’m going to kill whoever decided to use “Free To Be You And Me” in a Target commercial. We all hate Target now, right? I mean, they’re supporting some dickhead homophobe politician, right? What’s the difference between Target and Wal-Mart? (Serious question.)

8:45 PM My Nathan-verdict it in: Back tattoos, not hair. Now he’s gotta mess with this spoon for $500,000. “Get rich or die tryin’.” Eat, Pray, Love trailer alert! Wouldn’t it have been funny if they named it “Eat, Pray, Or Love, You May Only Choose One”?

8:44 PM Nice! This challenge is like pinball, but with spoons and marbles. I think Chelsea whitened her teeth. Does everybody do that now?

8:43 PM Get that money!!!!!!!

8:40 PM Horseshoe blowing game begins … NOW! Gaydar readings are off the charts right now. (Those watching at home know what I mean.) He’s about to win $250,000! DONE. They’re winning a million bucks. I will bet anyone a million bucks about that. The producers aren’t dumb. Somebody’s gotta win big. Nathan is going BUCK right now; he’s so excited. We’re having a complete reality breakdown right now on the TV.

8:36 PM This is for a quarter-million dollars. Go Nathan! Do the thing with the horseshoes! Oh wait, first we have a commercial. Instant commercial grades begins now:
SHOUT COLOR CATCHER: C+
DUNKIN’ DONUTS ICE MOCHA BEVERAGES: C-
ORAL-B TOOTHBRUSH: B+ (the music is good, the setting is a little surreal. One of my favorite toothbrush commercials)
APPLEBEE’S: B (A “B” for Applebee’s, how ironic is that?)
SAMSUNG GALAXY S: D+ (You’re really gonna watch Avatar on a phone? Please.)
HYUNDAI UNCENSORED: A+ Fuck yeah, I’m feeeeeeling this commercial! Secret cameras in Hyundais, and they show us footage of people being like, “Goddamn I love this fucking Hyundai!” That’s like my favorite kind of thing in the world, it’s like the Friday Face-Offs of car commercials.

8:35 PM Now they have to mess around with some horseshoes. They have to blow a ball into a horseshoe, I think. SIDE NOTE: Goddamn Nathan’s biceps are looking gyooood tonight.

8:34 PM Sometimes I find Minute to Win It a little emotionally manipulative. I wish Werner Herzog would direct an episode.

Thanks to reader (and pencil customer) JG for sending along this link, which offers the most comprehensive synopsis of Nate Dogg and Warren G’s “Regulate” I have ever read:

On a cool, clear night (typical to Southern California) Warren G travels through his neighborhood, searching for women with whom he might initiate sexual intercourse. He has chosen to engage in this pursuit alone.

Nate Dogg, having just arrived in Long Beach, seeks Warren. On his way to find Warren, Nate passes a car full of women who are excited to see him. Regardless, he insists to the women that there is no cause for excitement …

ALSO:

Warren, unaware that Nate is surreptitiously observing the scene unfold, is in disbelief that he is being robbed. The perpetrators have taken jewelry and a name brand designer watch from Warren, who is so incredulous that he asks what else the robbers intend to steal. This is most likely a rhetorical question.

AND:

The third verse is more expository, with Warren and Nate explaining their G Funk musical style. Warren displays his bravado by claiming that individuals with equivalent knowledge could not even attempt to approach his level of lyrical mastery.

And the rest is hip-hop history:

It makes me sad to see people sharpen their pencils with a machine. I believe #2 pencils need a human touch — a warmth and tenderness completely foreign to electric pencil sharpeners.

Basically, I’m the John Henry of pencil sharpeners. I’ll die with a pencil in my hand.

Behold: Our latest Artisanal Pencil Sharpening print, “Man Vs. Machine!” This beauty is available in a signed, numbered edition of 50. Available NOW at http://artisanalpencilsharpening.com/. (Thanks to the amazing Mike Houston of Cannonball Press.)

Our previous pencil-sharpening print sold out in mere weeks, so act quickly to secure your copy of this one!

“Safety Goggles a Must.”

Thanks to long-time reader SM for sending along the latest juice-related news:

After stirring up competition in the coffee business, McDonald’s Corp. is now making its mark in smoothies, irking at least one high-end purveyor of fruit juice concoctions.

On Monday, the burger giant reported its highest monthly same-store sales gain since January 2009, thanks in part to sales of its new smoothies and other cold beverages.

Smoothie purveyor Jamba Juice Co. (sic; the proper spelling is “Jurmbuh Juice” –ed.) isn’t taking the smoothie assault lying down. The Emeryville, Calif., company has been running a fake ad on YouTube mocking the idea of a burger chain getting into the business of smoothies.

SCORCHED EARTH

Guy Fieri, I’m coming for your jobs. Don’t sleep.

It wasn’t until Guy Fieri had autographed a yellow bell pepper with a Sharpie marker and tossed it to a fan, sprayed the people in the orchestra seats with a bottle of water and vigorously denounced the induction stove he was about to use onstage (“Give me flame or give me death!”) that his fans settled down. It didn’t last.

Actually, this article makes me sorta love him. Like the old saying says: “Don’t judge a man until you walk a mile in his goatee.”

If I get to N.C. in time I will live-blog “Minute to Win It” at 8:00 PM EST Wednesday!

Here’s a nice write-up of my business in the LA Times book blog.

So far, Rees is the leader in the field. “Nobody else is doing what I do,” he said. “I guarantee an authentic interaction with your pencil. What electric pencil sharpener can say that? The X-ACTO XLR 1818? The Royal 16959T? Don’t make me laugh.”

GET SHARP.

This is happening! I just arrived in North Carolina and I’m IN IT TO WIN IT!

8:28 PM Now we’re looking for my Mom’s stmp server. We’re confused.

8:26 PM Here they go! Oh, wait, now we gotta learn about Scott and Ursula(?)’s office romance? Dad: “How long does this go on?” Me: “An hour.” Dad: “Oh my gosh.”

8:25 PM Next challenge: “Office Fling.” Rubber bands and office chair make a slingshot of terror. Guys watching at home, can we agree that is a REALLY shiny red desk?

8:24 PM He’s bouncing pencils into glasses like a madman. He nailed it for five grand. Man, those pencil points must be all banged up … hmm, wonder if there’s a way to get them looking ship-shape again … (WINKY-SMILEY EMOTICON GOES HERE)

8:22 PM Pencil-related challenge, my world is collapsing … MOM: “This is perfect for you, dear.” Guy Fieri: “This is a doozie.” I’m SO hosting this show someday.

8:18 PM Commercial break! Time to ask my Mom what ISP she uses so I can send some emails to people. NEWSBREAK: It’s Time-Warner.

8:16 PM I think Fieri re-bleached his hair for this episode. Now he’s talking about the famous TV show called “The Humorous Office,” starring Steve Carrell and a bunch of other people. And now we’re hearing about how these contestants are like a real-life Jim and Patty(?) or whoever the cuties on the Office are … now they’re playing for FIVE GRAND …

8:15 PM Scott did it!!! 3 balls in 3 binder clips! My mom clapped. I woulda clapped too, but I’m busy liveblogging over here! (Ratso Rizzo voice FTW)

8:14 PM Now Scott will try to roll the ping-pong balls into the binder clips. North Carolina, represent! Come on, dude! Where’s that Tar Heel spirit? Where’s that Charlotte Hornets teal-pinstripe spirit? JR REID…

8:13 PM BRUTAL slo-mo replay on the binder-clip travesty. That hurt.

8:12 PM Whoa, this woman is a genius at dripping ping-pong balls down an incline into binder clips … although, wait — she’s knocking the balls OUT OF THE BINDER CLIPS NOW … “From genius to fool, the worm turns for the best of us.” Mad groans coming from the “parent-peanut gallery.” LEVEL 2 FAILED …

8:11 PM I’ve been trapped in airports all day so I’m just catching up on emails and all the wonderful and diverse comments in the LAT article. OMG making me sooo happy.

8:10 PM Office version of pinball! Using binder clips and ping-pong balls! I think MTWI is single-handedly keeping the ping-pong ball business in business.

8:09 PM Breaking news from the Rees household: We’re going out to dinner tomorrow night. GET PSYCHED. We’re eating in Carrboro. Dad: “Whenever I go out to eat, I gotta be within spitting distance of the Cat’s Cradle, because I loved Archers of Loaf.” (Joke, he did not say this.)

8:07 PM Dad: “I think I’d make a great contestant.” This is basically the most false statement ever uttered by a retired art librarian.

8:05 PM He’s gotta knock over reams of copy paper using a ball. This is truly an office-supply game for cavemen. He just made $1,000! “Yours to keep no matter what.”

8:03 PM “What do you think of this host, mom?” Mom: “I love him. He looks like a chef.” Mom FTW.

8:02 PM Office supplies are tonight’s tools for MITWI. These contestants are from Charlotte, NC’s banking metropolis, and I am liveblogging from Chapel Hill, NC’s indie-rock metropolis! My dad is already freaking out — “How much money do they win?” Me: “Up to a million dollars.” Big ol’ snort coming from Dad!!!

8:01 PM Minute to Win It special office-game edition! Total chaos, total energy! And there’s ol’ Guy Fieri! My foe. Thinks he’s great b/c he had a NYTimes article about him today. Well guess what, Guy? I was up in the LA Times today!!! Mate? Checkmate? Game on? “Tha Mystery of Chessboxing.”

8:00 PM Nothing can keep me from Minute To Win It! And tonight we have guest commentators: My mom and dad! This is it … the ultimate in liveblogging!

8:59 PM My mom says that’s the last show of the season. Could this be true??? In any event, it’s time to eat dinner. See you next time, and thanks to everyone who wrote re: LA Times thing. I will reply to emails tomorrow. “Minute to Win It 4 Life”

8:58 PM Fieri really playing up the magnitude of their decision whether to take the money or keep playing. Audience says? They should take the money and run. The contestants will “take the cash and make the dash.” Scott and Emily made $125,000 tonight. Big ups to Office Max for their support.

8:57 PM This is fun.

8:56 PM Here comes the big pencil-grabbing challenge. This? Looks fun. If I didn’t have respect for #2s, I might try this. But pencils aren’t toys. They’re tools. HE DID IT!!! He grabbed all the pencils for $125,000!!! Maybe I’m in the wrong line of pencil-related work. MOM: “Maybe he’ll send you all those pencils to be sharpened.”

8:55 PM Here comes a mini-doc about Scott and Emily, our contestants. Where’s the shot of the Charlotte skyline? RIP-OFF! Only interior shots of an office, could be anywhere. Could be FAKE.

8:54 PM I love how Fieri is reduced to trying to analyze the speed and angle of the quarters. When I’m hosting MTWI, I’ll just lie down on a cot and close my eyes during Million Dollar Mission.

8:53 PM Here she goes, tossing quarters into the jug. Good luck, lady. I think Fieri has a new pinkie ring tonight, can anybody confirm or deny?

8:52 PM My mom already senses this challenge is total B.S. She just dropped the fattest “Oh my goodness” of the year.

8:51 PM Great, my favorite part of the show: Million Dollar Mission! Good luck flicking a coin into a water bottle. Please, it’s easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

8:47 PM Now my parents are discussing whether MTWI is more exciting than a Carolina bball game.

8:45 PM Once again, I completely mis-called it: Scott successfully dropped a CD on a plastic cup without having it bounce off! They won $50,000 … and they have no intention of stopping! Next challenge: PENCIL BACK-FLIP CHALLENGE. “Universe collapsing into singularity, all that’s left is for Mike Watt to pop out and play a bass solo and I can die a happy man.”

8:44 PM Waitaminnit, waitaminnit, how can you DROP a CD on a cup and have it not bounce off? I smell a rat! This must be a carny-style challenge. They’re not winning this one, not with all the minutes in the universe.

8:43 PM Whoa, was that Guy Fieri’s murmur-voice? I liked that. I bet that’s how he talks when he must admit to something very shameful.

8:42 PM Dad, re: America’s Got Talent promo: “Hot dog, what a great night for TV.” Dad, I couldn’t agree more– AND I’M A BLOGGER.

8:41 PM A little self-conscious b/c my Mom is reading over my shoulder. Good thing I’m not blogging about my cocaine-party lifestyle right now … BIG SMILE from Mom re: that joke! FTW

8:40 PM This beer tastes so good, I want to eat the bottle. Flying can be a drag. “Just another amazing insight from the mind of your blogger.”

8:39 PM That “Eat, Pray, and/or Love” ad just flew by! My mom is seriously ragging on this Claritan ad … goddamn, I bet the Claritan peoples’ ears are BURNING right now … (And no, not because of allergies!)

8:38 PM Blog reader SA just sent me some highlights from the LAT comments section: “another arty version of the balloon dad impulse…” also: “Marx is rolling in his grave …” Could this have worked out any more perfectly? I love the LA Times forever. Why was I offline and stuck in an airport all day???

8:35 PM They’re trying bounce balls on clipboards for $50,000! “And that’s theirs to keep, no matter what.” –Mom. My parents are already loving this show, just like me. Time for a friend-of-the-contestant shout-out. All their friends from North Cackylacky. I don’t recognize them, though. Were they hanging at Local 506 back in the late 90’s? I DOUBT IT.

My dad refers to Netflix as “Netflick.” I think it’s because they have the one-at-a-time deal?

My mom just returned from doing Altar Guild at the church.

MOM: “I have all sorts of juicy gossip.”
DAD: “What? Goosey gopple?”
ME: LOL
MOM: “Put your hearing aid in.”

When should I tell my parents that I’m moving back in with them??? We’re gonna get a TV deal, I just know it. “Goosey Gopple.” Japanese noise-core band-name-generate much?

… but I am now watching “FROGS” with my parents.

My DAD rented this on Netflick. Guys, who are my parents? WHO ARE THEY? You don’t understand — they are die-hard Episcopalians who listen to nothing but classical music. They drink a glass of sherry before dinner. My Dad owns like 400 books about architecture and another 1,000 books about British landscape watercolors (”the best kind of art”).

And here we are watching FROGS. Game on, I might just have to liveblog this … we’ll see …

I’m pretty sad right now!

Anyone who knows my parents is screaming with joy right now. FROGS.

I keep asking my dad, “What is going on? How do you know about this movie? What’s happening? FROGS?”

My dad’s like, “I saw it on TV one night. It’s why my hair turned white.”

My parents are eating my mom’s homemade peach pie; they can’t take their eyes off of FROGS.

Goddamn, this movie features some fat-ass frogs.

My mom: “The frogs are gonna get after those rich people for taking their land.” MOM FTW.

They keep featuring these shots of frogs, soooo big and fat, just watching these rich assholes running rampant over the ecosystem.

I think my mom’s right: I think those frogs are about to GET BUCK.

Now I understand why my dad is into this movie. My parents are really concerned about the environment. They belong to Sierra Club, Wildlife Rescue Fun, Tree-Growers Anonymous, all that stuff.

And so: FROGS.

Guys, I think I’m finally ready to make my movie recommendation of the day.

It’s a film from 1972. Directed by George McCowan.

The film … is called “Frogs.”

This film is working on about eleven different levels right now. Look at that shirt!!! It’s one of those special 1970s shirts that doesn’t button all the way up.

FROGS

Another shot of a big frog. My dad: “Let’s get on with it.” LOL, he’s totally ready for some frogs to start MURDERING some rich eco-polluters.

“Frogs was not well received by film critics. Reviews of the film were mixed, and a more recent collation of reviews on Rotten Tomatoes has earned Frogs a “rotten” rating of 21% as of October, 2009.”

Whatever, I’m feeling Frogs. The rich patriarch just said: “You’re right, though, that frog’s gigantic.”

“It seems everyone in our family is all hung up on frogs.” That’s a line of dialogue from the movie … but it also applies to my real life as of right now.

Another great line just dropped: “With all this technology and all my money we still can’t get rid of all these frogs.”

“The movie stars Ray Milland, Sam Elliott, Joan Van Ark, and Adam Roarke. Elliott has two “beefcake” scenes in which he removes his shirt and these scenes reportedly helped earn him the title role in the 1976 movie, Lifeguard.”

Tense scene … the ecologist hero is alone in the bog, researching frogs. Now he sees dead frogs … and a can of POISON. Basically, what I think’s happening is that the rich fat asshole with the mansion and all the ne’er do well lazy kids is poisoning all the animals so he can sit on his fat ass in peace and quiet … meanwhile, the frogs are getting ready for an insurrection. That’s my prediction.

DEAD HUMAN BODY ALERT … developing … must credit “Frogs” …

Interesting racial subtext alert! And “Frogs” begins firing on yet another cylinder …

… meanwhile the frogs are jumping every which way in the swamp.

And now we’re at a dinner party in the mansion, but the daughter can’t stand the sound of all the frogs! “That sound is driving me insane! Won’t they ever stop!”

Now the rich people are complaining about how their taxes are going up because of the anti-pollution regulations. Somebody needs to remake this movie, like, TOMORROW. And fuck M. Night Shyamalan and “The Happening,” nobody’s trying to be scared of a tree waving in the wind. We need some COLD-BLOODED FROG TERROR up in here!!!

“Frogs attacking windows? Snakes in chandeliers? Those aren’t exactly normal things.”

“You’re out drinking in that speed boat all day and all night. Well, I hate it.”

“The frogs are driving me crazy, too.”

Putting away the blog in order to concentrate on this movie. It’s just too many frogs to keep track of otherwise.

Oh my dear, dear mnftiu reader: You thought I’d forgotten about Friday Face-Offs, didn’t you?

You thought I’d gone all “Joe Hollywood Pencil-Sharpener?” Please.

You thought all I could do was liveblog “Minute To Win It” and “Frogs?” Don’t make me laugh.

Friday Face-Offs!!!

Welcome to the 23rd installment of the greatest thing on the internet since computers.

It’s been too long, so let’s get to it. There’s no time for pussy-footing around. It’s Friday, so let’s Friday-Face-Off our fucking faces off.

This week’s song is “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz. Watch the original video here:

I love this song. If it was more mindless, it’d bill your HMO for the lobotomy. And in honor of this song … for this one day only … I’m wearing all my favorite brands.

“Y’all know me!”

First contestant is up next! You do remember how awesome FFO is, right? BUCKLE UP.

Friday Face-Offs!!!!!!!!

Set if off like dynamite! S**t is blowing up like a m*****f****r in this video!

Check out the intensity at 2:35. You know he’s just barely keeping it together during those punchy keebs. I know the feeling. Those keyboards sound really good. But he doesn’t lose control (which is ironic, since I think one of the themes of this song is totally losing control in the club and wearing all your favorite brands).

OMG, FFO FTW! It’s good to be back!

Friday Face-Offs! “It doesn’t get any more faced-off than this.”

Stay tuned, next contestant coming up quick!

My favorite thing about this great song “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz is that it uses the “Zhweep Zhwoop” sound from “Party in the USA,” which is a song I can’t stand for some reason. Both songs were produced by Dr. Luke, who is the producer of the moment (look at the charts and every song you’re humming is by him). So he’ll take a zhweep zhwoop and just run it into the ground. I can respect that. It’s like a late-night infomercial style of producing:

“Do you love the zhweep zhwoop sound but you’re just so tired of having to listen to Party in the USA in order to hear it? The inconvenience, the headaches — it’s just TOO MUCH! Well, now there’s Dynamite, a great song with the zhweep zhwoop sound you’ve come to love! No more hassles, no more headaches! Call 1-800-FRIDAY-MY-FUCKING-FACE-OFF to hear more!”

Anyway, at first I was gonna give the 7th place medal to this guy:

But then this guy showed up …

… and once you see 0:22, you’ll understand why he had to win. That’s some pure, artisanal foot-Mozart, right there! I love moments like that. Beat kicking in soooo hard.

Friday Face-Offs! I’m wearing all my favorite brands all day!!! Habitat for Humanity, Doctors Without Borders, and Adopt-A-Minefield!!! NOT TO MENTION GUCCI, PRADA, AND KATE SPADE BAGS!!!

I was just thinking: One of the best things about me wearing all my favorite brands is that you can tell what kind of guy I am just by looking at me (and my brands).

Anyway … it’s candle time. Time to chill.

Okay, confession time: I almost sorta got goosebumps the first time they really hit the chorus (1:03). Am I a sentimental sap? I dunno. It just looks like they’re having such a nice time, like they said: “Look, our tans look awesome, you play guitar, I play keyboards, we love rockin’ the club, and I have this big-ass scented candle. Should we make a web video or what???” And then lo and behold, they made this nice video for you to enjoy on Friday Face-Offs!

FFO FTW!!! (”Friday Face-Offs For The Win”)

Keep it locked … next contestant coming up!

This is a reaaally sloppity-gloppity chop of “Dynamite,” but the keyboards sound soooo freakin’ amazing, I had to sneak it in. It sounds like a brontosaurus throwing a rave against the wall. And the zhweep zhwoop is BANGING.

Still thinking about all my favorite brands, and how I’m gonna wear them to the club tonight. ALL OF THEM.

Anyway, here’s a chopped mash-up of “Dynamite” with “California Gurls” (ugh) by Katy Perry. It was boring me until (1:47), when things started sounding real nice. Again, sloppy, but sometimes that makes it more exciting. Just ask the Replacements.

But uggh, yeah, I am not a fan of Katy Perry. It feels very pandering to me. Why is that? And is California Gurls biting from that MGMT song, the one that followed Kids?

“So many questions.” Friday Face-Offs!!! It’s DYNAMITE.

I hope the name of this band is “The All-Other-Motherfuckers Destroying Machine,” because that’s basically what they do here:

OMG, 0:55 FTW!!! LOL at how hard that bangs.

Friday Face-Offs! “We’re gonna light it up like it’s dynamite.”

Three videos left!!! Everybody go put on all their favorite brands for the top three videos!!!

Fuck all y’all, I LIKE IT.

Second-place video is next! FFO FTW LOL MNFTIU OMG

Okay, I know people might not agree with this choice. “Second place, really?” they’ll say. “Have all those pencil shavings gone to your head?”

But hear me out.

The reasons I like “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz are:

1. Good solid keyboard riff
2. When he sings “it goes on and on and on” for the second time, in his upper register, it’s nice
3. Cavalcade of zhweep zhwoops

But the main reason is:

4. The wonderful lyric, “I’m wearing all my favorite brands”

For some reason I just love that lyric. It’s sooo much cooler than, “I’m wearing my Burberry” or “I’m wearing my Gucci” or whatever, I don’t even know what those rapping kids are wearing these days.

The idea that ANYONE can sing along to “Dynamite” and when they get to that lyric, think about how awesome they’re looking in their favorite brands: their Ambercombie(sp), or their L.L. Bean, or their OshKosh B’gosh, or their Lane Bryant, or whatever! EVERYBODY’S GOT THEIR FAVORITE BRANDS, YOU KNOW THEY DO.

For instance, I can think about how I’m rolling up to the club in my nice white athletic socks and my Land’s End shirt I bought when my mom gave me a gift certificate. I’m just reppin’ my brands and my style, you know?

NOW, HAVING SAID ALL THAT, watch how this dude completely kills that lyric (0:15). GOOSEBUMPS, I’m not kidding. That is what we call a hot-ass line reading. It made me LOL for real the first time I watched it. God he just destroys that shit. I love it. Visually and aurally, that is FLAWLESS.

Friday Face-Offs! Everybody wear their favorite brands RIGHT NOW.

I’m not even kidding! Winning video is next! You better go put on your favorite brands!!!

First of all, I love that she murdered Bob Barker and stole his microphone.

Second of all, I love that she smokes two packs a day.

Third of all, I love her plans for the summer:

“When every new song comes out, I’m gonna do it. I promise you I probably will.” LOL, small amount of songs she has to sing! Guys, she has to do a version of EVERY NEW SONG.

Anyway, let’s rock:

The weirdest moment comes near the end, when you can hear what she’s singing along to, and it sounds like a completely different song. Is it even “Dynamite?” How can she focus? I think we’re looking at a future inductee into the Air-Traffic Controller Hall of Fame.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! Remember to always wear your favorite brands. That’s basically the moral of this story called “my blog on the internet.”

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.

A typical vacation afternoon in the Rees house: I’m googling “artisanal pencil sharpening” while my mom weaves baskets and my dad reads the obituaries.

My dad is talking about how sometimes obituaries say “So-and-so died,” but sometimes they say “So-and-so has returned home” or “So-and-so left this world for the next one,” or whatever.

Of course, this led to a discussion of how my dad wants his obituary to read. He’s a modest person who likes Shaker furniture so of course he wants to keep it simple; he wants the lede to be: “Philip Rees died.”

Then he thought and said, “I want it to read: ‘Philip Rees died after a courageous battle with boredom and pointlessness …’”

Dude, we about had to write my obituary on that one, because I was DYING with laughter.

But then we realized: The very fact that his would be the greatest opening sentence in obituary history actually meant his life had not been pointless!

It’s like Death is a snake made out of newspaper obituaries eating its own tail or something! Total mind-blow. We had to eat tomato sandwiches just to keep our minds from melting.

Is it Wednesday again? I can’t believe how these Wednesdays keep coming and coming, relentless, like dogs chasing me out of a cemetery.

Anyway, I’ll be liveblogging Minute to Win It tonight at 8:00 PM EST. Check local listings! Or better yet, don’t, because I just told you everything you need to know.

8:29 PM We’re back … and the alpha-twin completed the rubber-band challenge. It was for $10,000– not $50,000, as I irresponsibly surmised minutes ago. Now they move on to the $50,000 challenge, which is … “Speed Eraser.” Oh snap, a pencil-related challenge!!! HELL yes. They have to bounce pencils into buckets using the bounciness typical of erasers. “Color me riveted.”

8:28 PM You know what was a good show, at least according to my fuzzy memory? “The Wonder Years.” I feel like that dude learned a lesson on every show.

8:27 PM In ten years, this kid in the Oreo commercial will star in a Noah Baumbach movie about a college DJ who builds dioramas about his parents’ divorce.

8:25 PM This is a commercial about a woman whose wedding was just days away, and then she realized her smile wasn’t white enough, so she bought “Crest White Strips” to make her teeth look nicer. You know what? I can believe that happened. Stuff like that happens every day; just because it’s not on the front page of the newspaper doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

8:24 PM Just look at all those rubber bands. They look like tiny loops of spaghetti on the floor. Whoa, that woman was really excited about him knocking over that card with the rubber band? Did you see her jumping around? Okay, that was the most irresponsible, artless, manipulative cutaway in MTWI history– and that’s saying something. Now I gotta watch some Mazda commercial, all the while wondering if he knocked over that last playing card.

8:22 PM Level Four Challenge: Sharp Shooter. Shoot playing cards with rubber bands. Oh man, not to get distracted, but something smells good outside. Is my neighbor grilling something? I want to know, but on the other hand, I can’t miss this challenge because it’s worth $50,000 (I think). Now the twins are talking about who should take up the rubber-band challenge. Guys watching at home, can we agree the twin in the blue shirt is the alpha twin? He seems to talk more than the other twin.

8:20 PM Blow red ping-pong balls (ppb) off the tray, while keeping the yellow ppb on the tray. “Watch those yellows … softer blow, softer blow!” Damn, he crushed it. Five grand in the bank. Happy music bumpin’, Guy Fieri yellin’, David Rees livebloggin’, it doesn’t get any more regular than this.

8:19 PM These twins are the kind of guys where I can’t tell if they’re 25 or 40. They have the eyes of youth, but the muscles of men. Does that make me sound like Percy Blythe Shelly(sp)?

8:16 PM Instant Commercial Grades:
JC Penney’s Sale: D (borrrring, you’re not Macy’s so don’t try)
Pizza Hut 50-cent Wing Wednesdays: B-
Yoplait Yogurt With Fruit In It: B+ (trippy strawberry yogurt ocean)
Swiffer, the space-age mop that’s putting regular mops out of business: C (Funny mop commercial?)
Emmy Awards With Jummy Fallon: C
Lifetime Movie About A Woman And Murderous Teens, Those No-Good Dirty Teens: A+ (It’s called “Bond of Silence”)
Nissan’s Bottom Line Sales Event: C (“Ah, the banality of Nissan sales commercials.” [Said in weary professor voice])

8:13 PM Okay, this challenge rules. There are 5,000 ping-pong balls on a pizza-pie pan and you have to blow all of them off except for three yellow ping-pong balls. “Guy Fieri, on behalf of the North American ping-pong ball manufacturers, we would like to present you with this lifetime achievement award for supporting ping-pong balls.” Okay, I was so busy being silly I kinda missed when they introduced the twins’ families. Sorry, I let you guys down with that one. All I know is one of ‘em has a stepson named Iggy Pop(?!?!) and the other one has a girlfriend he is obviously going to propose to later in the show.

8:12 PM Wait, is this called Egg Dance or Egg Dump? In any case, the guy completed the level! $2,500 in his pocket. Now he’s doing the “Angry-guy-who-is-actually-happy-clap.” Do you know that move? This guy is doing it hard.

8:10 PM Okay, in Egg Dump, they have to run around with some eggs on a tray. And no, I don’t mean SCRAMBLED eggs, I mean … eggs-eggs. (ie, in their natural state like when they come out of the bird). These twins are the kinds of guys who make me feel two inches tall and really nervous, like I’m going to get punched for reading the wrong blogs.

8:07 PM Instant commercial grades:

TIDE ACTI-LIFT: B+
ENERGIZER BATTERIES: D+
MACY’S ONE-DAY SALE: C (looks like a good sale)
The Switch (a movie): B (I think it’s a comedy about getting pregnant incorrectly)
McDonalds: C+ (First-person shooter with burrito? Confusing.)
Mun2 “The Look”: D (Because I couldn’t tell what the product was)
The Apprentice Television Program Starring the Indomitable Donald Trump: A+ (what can I say? He’s gonna drag this nation out of the recession kicking and screaming)

8:06 PM Whoa, the second twin just destroyed that challenge. He totally “faced” his brother. (By “brother,” I mean “other twin.”) Okay guys, the enthusiasm feels a wee little bit off to me. Next challenge: EGG DUMPS.

8:05 PM If I was a licensed psychotherapist, instead of just a hobbyist, I would say these twins have a lot of enthusiasm, but that they need a fashion consultation.

8:04 PM This challenge involves whiffle (wiffle?) balls and baskets. And this contestant really stinks at it. Ladies and gentlemen, we might be witness to twin murder this evening, in which one twin murders the other twin because he couldn’t do the thing with the thing.

8:03 PM Is Guy wearing the same shirt as last week? The eggplant number with the British(?) style cuffs? “I never forget a shirt,” that’s my motto. I’m a bit of a fashion hound, if you don’t know. And yes, I am wearing ALL my favorite brands right now.

8:02 PM “I think if we started with enthusiasm points, you guys would already have a million.” –Guy Fieri, once again exaggerating for rhetorical impact. If I hosted MTWI, this wouldn’t happen. Okay, the twins are ready to go with their first challenge.

8:01 PM Hooray! It’s Minute to Win It’s twin edition! Two twins will compete together and try for a million dollars! Guys at home, guess which twin’s hairstyle I like more? It’s a free guessing game.

8:00 PM We meet again, Guy Fieri. May God have mercy on your soul.

7:59 PM Good backpack commercial. Oh! They sell shoes, too. This business is called “Sports Authority.” They have the authority to sell backpacks and shoes.

7:58 PM Liveblogging speed test: fasflkj;lkvjad f;lkasjdf;dlkfj a;dslkfj asd;flk jasdf;lk asjf;ksj df;akdj fas;kldf jas;dlfjk as;dfklj sa;dlfkj asdf;klajs ;dlkfjga;slkfj adfl;kj … Yeah, we got this! I typed all that in less than 20 seconds.

7:50 PM In ten minutes our favorite show, which is called “Minute to Win It,” will start. The sky looks amazing right now. Everything is salmon-colored: the lawn, the clouds, the flowers … even the blogs. That means tonight’s liveblog will be as beautiful as salmon (the fish) itself … (You see, I believe in signs and symbols.)

9:00 PM That’s it, I’m off to my friend’s house to work on a secret project! (Aka remote-controlled papier mache Guy Fieri that commits a murder so the real G.F. is sent to jail and I take over hosting all his shows.) BYE

8:59 PM I would give that episode of MTWI a B-. Something tells me I will have completely forgotten everything about it in 50 years.

8:58 PM They’re gonna take the money and go home. They are risk-averse. Will anyone ever win a million dollars on this goddamn show? Anyway, good for the twins. They won a lot of money.

8:56 PM Dude, slow your roll! Your rolling the tennis balls too hard! Only needs one more bucket … OH SNAP he did it! $125,000 in the BANK!!! I’m actually kinda pumped right now. That was exciting. MASSIVE FIST BUMP JUST NOW. He’s even hugging Guy Fieri!!! The crowd is hysterical! Hell, even I’m hysterical– you should see me jumping around in my undies right now, pouring tequila all over my head and shaking it like a sexy fox.

8:55 PM They should make a new show for TV: A one hour animated show based on Little House on the Prairie. Just an idea. Waitaminute, waitaminute, next week there’s like 3 days of MTWI in a row, all featuring pretty womyn in bikinis. WTF? I read Gynecology by Mary Daly once. It was wild.

8:54 PM God, these new Lowe’s commercials are riveting. They are kicking Home Depot’s ass right about now.

8:53 PM When will they make a movie starring the Energizer Bunny? That’s not beyond the realm of possibility in today’s crazy world.

8:51 PM Just got a google alert for “artisanal pencil sharpening” from something called “Design Mom blog.” I will definitely be checking that out when MTWI is over …

8:50 PM I’m looking at a bucket of balls. The guy has to roll tennis balls over the broomstick and make them land in some baskets. Is this happening? Is this reality? Is this America? (Who can tell anymore, right?) I would make some jokes here about the “Ground Zero Mosque,” but I’m too exhausted/disgusted with all that. Suffice it to say I hope they build a 200-story-tall mosque and spend all day spitting on Republicans from a great height. GO MUSLIMS!!!

8:49 PM Guy Fieri just checked out her engagement ring and said, “I hope that’s a blood diamond. Blood diamonds turn me on.” (JOKE)

8:46 PM I’m so inside Guy Fieri’s head it’s not even funny. Okay this next challenge is for $125,000. I’m rooting for the twins. This challenge is brand-new; nobody’s ever played it before (I think). Time for the twins to articulate their reasons vis a vis who will take up the mantle. Whoa, whoa, what’s going on? This twin is bringing some love for his twin right now! “You make me feel like the luckiest guy on Earth.” Oh snap, here we go: I called it– Live marriage proposal on Minute To Win It! Giving her the ring!!! Minute to Win It marriage proposal!!! She said YES!!! He gave her the ring!!! MTWI FTW!!! “Dreams come true!”– Guy Fieri (but seriously, though, was her dream to get proposed to on the set of Minute to Win It? Hmm…). But we gotta give respect to the twin who just proposed to his girlfriend– OR SHOULD I SAY FIANCEE?

8:45 PM Take the money and go home, or continue on to more and more difficult challenges? The answer: They will continue on their quest for one million USA American dollars. And so the dance goes on … I think Guy Fieri loves these twins, they bring a masculine enthusiasm that resonates with him.

8:44 PM This guy brought his game face. I’m LOLing at how intense he is. He did it! Holy smokes, there’s about to be a riot in the studio! That was craaaazy! Guy: “We’re gonna need security.” Now he’s doing the “I’m punching my own chest because I am a man and I am happy” move. But you know what? They just won $75,000 so who am I to judge? If I won $75,000 I’d probably eat my own face (and hair) because I’d be so excited.

8:43 PM I can’t believe I just saw that on my tv.

8:42 PM PC Richards & Sons, how dare you???

8:41 PM This blueberry commercial is offensive on ten different levels.

8:40 PM This Toyota commercials beggars belief. (Now I’m just typing stuff so people who aren’t watching the show will wonder WTF is happening.)

8:37 PM Slack-jawed twin alert. That guy was totally slack-jawed, listening to Guy Fieri explaining their options. Now alpha-twin must succeed where his brother failed … but first, these words.

8:33 PM Whoa, nice CGI leopard! That surprised me. This challenge is called– actually, I missed what it’s called. Now one twin is displaying his preferred technique for this challenge to his twin. And the other twin is like, “Maybe I’ll use that technique, or maybe I’ll use my own technique, you’re not the boss of me, Mom always liked you best!” (That’s from my new play: Tennessee Wiliams’s Minute to Win It, aka Psychodrama From the Edge of Yesterday, aka A Streetcar Named Incest.)

8:31 PM Time to bounce some pencils. Hmm … red pencils. Not the iconic yellow #2 I love so much. Damn, though, he’s in the groove. He only needs two more pencils in the glass! But he only has 20 seconds left! He’s gotta do it for his girlfriend because he just talked about how much he loved her! HE DID IT! “Love conquers all.” –Wm. Shakespeare. Damn those twins just hugged the shit out of each other. The girlfriend is about to have a nervous breakdown, she’s so relieved. (Did anyone read that book “Last Night at the Lobster?” I’ve been thinking about reading it for about two years and now I think I should just track down a copy and read it.)

8:30 PM What in the world is happening? I feel like Guy Fieri is about to cry.

Okay, tomorrow night I will liveblog the American Television Awards, aka the Emmys. I will start whenever the show starts — unless I get inspired and decide to liveblog the red carpet entrances. (You know I love my favorite brands!!!)

8:12 PM Now he’s giving a speech. Somebody is crying in the audience. His speech is about how nice everyone on the show is. Good speech. Sincere. I am completely bored out of my mind. LIVEBLOGGING ENDS NOW.

8:11 PM Here comes “Mad Man” Jon Hamm and “Golden Girl” Betty White to present an award. Betty White is actively breaking my heart with her incessant sexual jokes. They’re presenting an award for “Best Actor on a Comedy.” Goddamn I haven’t seen a single one of these shows, ever. WINNER: Eric Stonespeak(?) from “Modern Family.”

8:10 PM Verdict: I need to watch more television so I understand its reality.

8:08 PM They’re gonna do a comedy retrospective about all the great comedy we saw on our TVs this year. Two fat schlubs accidentally touched their butts together; that got big laughs. Also, pratfalls and silly voices are making an appearance.

8:07 PM Jimmy Fallon is doing the Demetri Martin thing where you tell jokes and strum a guitar.

8:06 PM Now the Emmys are starting. The song is over. My verdict: I love Joe McHale(?), he’s totally cute. I also love the real Bruce Springsteen. Jimmy Fallon is hosting the awards. In case you didn’t know, Fallon got his start at Bananas Comedy Club on Route 9 in Poughkeepsie at the Best Western hotel, which I have been to.

8:02:30 PM Already bored at the Emmys!!! Time for my first break … see you when the awards actually start.

8:02 PM Okay, Betty White. Maybe it’s time to act dignified.

8:01 PM Okay, this is some kind of pre-taped comedy video short. I can’t liveblog this because I don’t know who all these people are.

8:00 PM The American Academy of Television Awards begins now!