Just heard from another pencil-sharpening client:

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In honor of this big travel weekend:

LOL, I love Fred Kaplan.

In 35 years of following debates over nuclear arms control, I have never seen anything quite as shabby, misleading and—let’s not mince words—thoroughly ignorant as Mitt Romney’s attack on the New START treaty in the July 6 Washington Post.

I’m liveblogging the big LeBron James announcement! LET’S DO IT. DO IT DO IT. NIKE

9:35 PM: I’m going to move to Miami and become the world’s most passionate LeBron James fan. LeBron and I will liveblog EVERYTHING together.

9:34 PM: Thanks to ESPN for this comprehensive coverage. It helped me understand what was happening about “the man who announced what team he was going to play basketball for.”

9:32:10 PM: Ohio backlash? Could it happen? He’s giving props to Akron. He’s from Akron.

9:32 PM: Now the announcer is like, “Why do you hate Cleveland so much and why do you take pleasure from destroying Cleveland’s hopes and dreams?”

9:31 PM: Who’s this Dwayne Wade(?) guy they keep talking about? Is he another basketball player I gotta learn about?

9:30 PM: My instant analysis: “The Miami Heat just got a little hotter.”

9:29 PM: Correction: “Miami Heat Basketball Team.”

9:28:30 PM: LeBron is going to MIAMI, FLORIDA to play for the HOT MIAMI FIRE BASKETBALL TEAM.

9:28 PM: Making the announcement …

9:27 PM: LeBron James is talking about how he wants to win basketball games. I can only assume that’s a good quality for a basketball player to have: The desire to win.

9:24 PM: Basically, according to my analysis, all the teams want LeBron to play for them, because he’s really good at playing basketball and scoring very many points. Whoever gets LeBron will win the next 20 championships in a row. That’s my analysis and I’m sticking to it.

9:23:40 PM: They are really hyping this. I’m starting to think LeBron must be a good basketball player. WHOA, he went straight from high school to the NBA? Does everybody already know that? He must be a basketball genius!

9:23 PM: Breaking … LeBron James is RETIRING! “It’s all a joke, playing basketball for money. It’s stupid. I’m going to grad school.” AMAZING

9:21 PM: Goddamn! Onstar commercials are intense! Do people ever die in them? “My car fell underwater and we’re all trapped! Help me!” “Okay, this is Onstar headquarters, I have unlocked your doors and initiated remote-scuba-diving protocol. Your family will be safe.” “Thank you, ONstar.”

9:18:34 PM: Oh my god, people think he’s going to Chicago to play for the Bulls? Are you kidding? The Chicago 3-2 defense zone would never work with LeBron’s power forward shooting skills! Get a brain, guys: This is sports analysis! Get it right!

9:18 PM: LeBron James in a recorded interview, talking about how he wants to play basketball. Now the announcers are saying he’s going to Miami. One guy wants him to play in Cleveland. I think he should play in China. Yeah, communist China, I said it!!!

9:17 PM: Apparently this entire spectacle of LeBron James announcing where he’s going to dribble his basketball is called “THE DECISION.”

9:16 PM: ESPN radio … these guys are CRAZY FOR SPORTS …

9:15 PM: I hate to admit it, but this Verizon commercials has a fresh beat. Does Verizon license its jingles for ringtones on Verizon phones? They should be free. “Free advertising.”

9:13 PM: I hope LeBron James doesn’t go to the Knicks, because that’s the team in New York City, and I want New York’s sports franchises to collapse.

9:12 PM: One of the announcers is talking about the “Celtics model,” and whether it can work in Miami. What the hell are these guys talking about? How about this: Score as many dunks as you can. It ain’t rocket science, guys.

9:11 PM: Goddamn sports talk is complete mumbo-jumbo. I can’t tell what these guys are talking about.

9:10 PM: ANSWER: LeBron James plays “Small forward/guard.”

9:09 PM: Next data-bit we need to uncover: What position does he play? Give me a minute … I’ll find the answer, or my name isn’t “Basketball Researcher Jones.”

9:08 PM: Quick question: If LeBron James is so awesome, how come I barely know about him? I don’t even know what team he plays for.

9:07 PM: LeBron James is 25 years old … DEVELOPING …

9:05 PM: I’m gonna find out how old this LeBron James guy is. I have a feeling he’s in his 20s … developing …

9:04 PM: “So many twists and turns in this story …” This one announcer says it’s gonna be Miami. (Miami has a basketball team? Crazy.)

9:03 PM: Quick question. What is a free agent? Does it mean you can play basketball on any team you want, and then just quit in the middle of the game and switch sides and start playing against your own team???

9:02 PM: I found “ESPN Radio” on my internet music program. It sounds amazing. “The most coveted free agent in the history of the game” (I think the game is basketball, right? I’m not a big sports guy.)

9:01 PM: I think ESPN is making a whole reality show about this announcement re: where LeBron James will play his sports at.

9:01 PM: But it’s a rerun. I need breaking LeBron news … I’ll try to find ESPN on my internet radio.

9:00 PM: Okay, NPR is definitely not happening. OH WAIT — they’re talking about LeBron James!

8:59 PM: Arrrgggh Diane Rhem(?) Show reruns? Are you kidding me, NPR? We’re trying to learn about LeBron James and his amazing announcement! Come on, now!

8:54 PM: I don’t have ESPN. Will that be a problem? I’ll try to find coverage on NPR… developing …

3:30 PM Pretty cool ad for choicehotels.com … now there’s a muscular guy walking around in different environments for Old Spice deodorant … now they’re promoting a special episode of “Dancing with the Stars” where the only musical accompaniment is 500 South African orphans playing the vuvuzela…

3:28:50 PM I think the announcers are saying that so far, this game is ugly. It’s not pretty soccer, it’s skanky soccer. Well sometimes it great ugliness to produce great beauty … especially in “futbol…” LOL could I be talking out of my ass any harder?

3:28 PM I call this part of the halftime show the “slow-mo slider report.”

3:27 PM Damn, I really should liveblog me some golf … talk about something I know nothing about … “Par under four bogey.”

3:26 PM Christiane Amanpour, what’s she up to? Does she have a new show about the news? We should check it out … get informed …

3:25 PM What’s going on with this golf commercial? Oh, it’s a Heineken commercial. For some reason that thing felt 20 minutes long … also, E*trade baby commercials? I’m not a fan of those commercials.

3:24 PM Reader feedback:

dear david,

i am at work. on a sunday. alone. with the world’s slowest computer. i can’t find anyone streaming the game online (espn, what gives?!) i guess i could download some random-ass program for live streaming. but on this computer that would take until the next world cup to accomplish.

it is therefore with genuine and actual gratitude that i thank you for your philanthropic services to mankind by liveblogging the match so that i, your humble reader, can still enjoy the great game of soccer though i am imprisoned in my workplace.

That’s why we do it! To make people’s lives better.

3:21 PM First half highlights: A big Nederland header on goal that missed … a Spanish shot that was deflected by the Nederlands player … and that crazy Spanish shot that went wide … and some other stuff.

3:17 PM Half-time! Thank God, let’s get some beer commercials up in here.

3:16:45 PM Spanish goalie is about to kick the stuffing out of that ball … boom big header from Nederlands! (A header, for all you non-soccer idiots, is when you hit the ball with your head like your head is some kind of freaky-ass foot.)

3:16 PM Good thing that Spanish goalie wasn’t checking his Blackberry … he totally just prevented a goal!

3:14 PM Big kick from the goalie … Whsitle on the field … when I heard the whistle I said, WHOA, and everyone looked at me like I”m some kind of freak … well maybe I am, maybe I’m a freak– A SOCCER GAME FREAK

3:13 PM Big ol’ throw-in from Spain … they’re making their push … YOWCH Nederlands stole the ball … they’re making their “Dutch push” … whoa, look at those cheekbones, am I right or what ladies?

3:12 PM Big penalty kick … the pressure’s on … Spain missed! Too wide! That ball went waaaaaaaaaaaaay off course … “The passion of Spain …”

3:11:34 PM I nominate that for “tumble of the day,” that guy spiraled out of control.

3:11 PM Whose game is it to lose? Is it Spain’s game to lose, or Nederlands’ game to lose?

3:09 PM Big kick! But no goal … the European way of sports … What a nice flag! It’s yellow and gold … Damn, the soccer players were scrappin’ under the net like NBA guys …

3:08 PM Anyway, back to the game: Spain has the ball, making a strong push towards the enemy’s goal … short passes and quick feet are their hallmarks … Nederlands can’t find purchase … Spain moves to the LH wing … MAN DOWN, whistle on the field! Somebody tripped …

3:07 PM I got mugged in Amsterdam, once. I should’ve liveblogged it … that would have been a “hot mess …”

3:06 PM Damn #10 on Nederlands is a ball-handling maniac! Ouch that one guy WHIFFED IT BAD … there will be no joy in ol’ Amsterdam tonight …

3:05 PM Goddamn what does it take to get a commercial up in here? My arms are tired.

3:04 PM Nederlands has it … taking their time … feeling the vibe, planning their attack … now Spain stole the ball … whoa, they just kicked it all the way back to the goalie! “Bold moves from the Spanish bullfighters” (My color commentary)

3:03 PM Corner kick! That brings back the memories from youth soccer. I can’t believe they do corner kicks in grown-up soccer, too.

3:03 PM “Face in crotch: A World Cup erotic adventure.”

3:02 PM Damn, even the Nederlands players’ sweat bands are orange? “They thought of everything.”

3:01 PM Now Spain has the ball … whistle on the field! Whistle on the field! Game on, the Spanish player displays some of the fancy footwork that made them famous, “El Espanol Futbol Supremo,” that’s what I call them …

2:59 PM Spain in control of the ball … making their move … big pass to center … bu tthe goalie gets it … now Nederlands has the ball … it’s in the goalie box, now it’s Waaaay upfield! Can they make their move? Now Spain has it … I’m predicting a goal on this run … wait, no, Nederlands has it! It’s going every whic way …

2:58 PM Yowch! “Attack of the soccer player.” A little rough-n-tumble on the field … soccer is not for wimps, that’s for sure … The Spanish player is clutching his heart … Heart attack on the field? Stranger things have happened in the game of life …

2:56 PM Player down on the field. Now everybody’s back up and at ‘em. I forgot how soccer games just never stop. They go and go and go. No time-outs, no commercials — basically, guys, this is the hardest thign I’ve ever live-blogged.

2:55 PM World Cup joke: “Why are Nederlands players good at kissing?” Because they have tulips. (”Two lips.”)

2:55 PM Spasm on the field! That Nederland gu just got funky …

2:53 PM BIG ol’ kick from the goalie … everyone on the Nederlands team looks like the head of a marketing company … I find men like that really intimidating. The poise, the confidence, the sophistication … and what am I? Just some sclub doin’ the best he can, liveblogging stuff in the hopes of getting a movie deal about the world’s greatest liveblogger …

2:52 PM Spain in control of the bll … passing, dribbling … Nederlands in control now … whistle on the field! A classic trip move … here comes a penalty kick (I think) … everybody’s on fire … this is the WOrld Cup …. the soccer players get in position … TH EKICK…. GRABBED by the goalie!!!

2:51 PM I bet Philip Glass is mad he didn’t invent the Vuvuzula(sp), because this whole stadium sounds like one of his songs.

2:50 PM Here comes a throw-in. I remember those from my days of youth soccer. Don’t even get me started on my youth-soccer memories, we’ll be here all nightll.

2:49 PM Spain on the run … kicking the ball … Damn this one coach really looks like he’s in Duran Duran.

2:48 PM Who do you think is more physically fit: The average World Cup player or the average blogger? The answer … may surprise you.

2:47:46 PM How do they run so much without getting tired? Back and forth, back and forth kicking the ball. It must be positively exhausting.

2:47 PM Which coach is dressed like Versace McPrada? Easy, guy, it’s just a soccer game.

2:46 PM Anvil gets a yellow card! “Metal on metal.”

2:45:15 PM “Just passed the 15-minute mark …” World Cup announcers aren’t like other announcers.

2:45 PM Goddamn people weren’t kidding about those horns.

2:44 PM I’m watching this in a really crowded coffee shop. They have the shop divided into “Spain” and “Nederlands” fans. I was like, “Where’s the liveblogger skybox?”

2:43 PM That one guy on Spain looks like the guy from Anvil!

2:41 PM Spain is in the blue (?) uniforms and Nederlands is in the orange uniforms. Umm … are you sure those orange uniforms are bright enough? I have an orange hoodie that’s really bright and when I wear it, people get annoyed, so I can’t imagine what these Nederland guys go through.

2:40:30 PM Everybody screamed because the man almost kicked a goal.

2:40 PM This is the first WC game I’ve ever watched. Get ready for some analysis. The WC is basically like the Olympics of soccer.

2:39 PM It’s on. I’m watching the Wolrd Cup for the first time. Spain versus “Ned” (Nederlands).

4:42:50 PM Live shot of Amsterdam: 100,000 potheads in the streets cheering for their team …

4:42 PM Who would win in a fight between a basketball team and a soccer team?

4:41 PM Spain on the run … the running of the bulls … trampling Nederlands underfoot … but Nederlands have bulls of their own, Amsterdam bulls … tulips and canals every which way … the CHicago Bulls, that’s a good basketball team …

4:40 PM Score score score score score

4:39 PM Come on. Somebody score a goddamn fucking goal NOW.

4:37 PM Now they’re getting tired … they’ve been playing soccer for 1,502 minutes with almost no breaks and no food …

4:36:12 PM NUTMEG!

4:36 PM That looked like a goal, but it wasn’t! Optical illusions are REAL, people!

4:34 PM I’m starting to think #11 Robben is a good soccer player.

4:33 PM Spain again doing their passing exercises … now pushing in … but Nederlands got ‘em tangled …

4:32 PM Spain missed the header; they could have scored but the didn’t. “Euro soccer tragedy.”

4:31 PM Are all the referees male models?

4:30:15 PM One thing I could never be in a million trillion years is a soccer goalie.

4:30 PM Oh man that goalie just PWNED

4:29 PM Spain is chillin’ right now, just passing it back and forth …Dean Smith four corners style

4:28 PM How come soccer players don’t break their legs every 5 minutes? Steroids?

4:26 PM, part 2: Okay, this is a 15-minute period. I get it.

4:26 PM I can’t tell what’s happening. The regular half is over. Is this sudden death? First team to score wins? Or is this just a good ol’ all-American overtime situation?

4:25:04 PM Referee conference on the field! “The sixth world cup final that has gone to a world cup final” (subtitle on tv)

4:25 PM AUDI cars. They look good. Now here’s a commercial about a guy with a magic finger that can make a picture of a soccer ball turn into a real soccer ball, aka world’s dumbest super-power.

4:24 PM These people are yelling across the coffee shop about what kind of cookie they want. “Human Vuvuzela”

4:23 PM Oh wait, I get it — I bet Christo sued AT&T because their commercial looked like one of his crazy art projects.

4:22 PM Nick Drake in a commercial? ARRGGGGHHH Along with Christo the maniac artist? WTF

4:20:31 PM A word from our sponsor? Are you serious? FIFA! What does it stand for? Futbol International Fun Agenda.

4:20 PM Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em! 420 marijuana world cup! You gotta root for the Nederlands, because they have Amsterdam, aka “Drug City USA”

4:18 PM Spain in control … dribbling the ball (soccer-style dribbling) … some players are just standing around. I guess they’ll start running if the ball comes near them.

4:17 PM This is it … I have a feeling this is a big posession …nope. Nederlands stoel it. BIG PSS too far, can’t reach it …

4:16:34 PM I wish the referees used vuvuzelas for the whistles. Wouldn’t it be cool to see them running around with a vuvuzela around their neck?

4:16 PM He couldn’t run fast enough. If only he had run a little faster, Nederlands would have scored a goal. WHISTLE WHISTLE no goal

4:14:01 PM I think these guys realize time is running out and they should stop slacking. The game feels more hectic now.

4:14 PM Nederlands in control … big push … whistle called: Double dribble.

4:13 PM The Spanish coach is imparting some wisdom to one of his players: “Hey, maybe how about you score a goal? Si?”

4:12 PM People love coffee.

4:10 PM Okay guys, after 150 minutes, I think we finally might have a soccer game on our hands.

4:08 PM Dude, that was exciting! I was sure Nederlands was about to score!

4:07:24 PM Damn, I was sure Spain was about to score. dffffffffffff

4:07 PM “Hurry up and win, guys! I’m late for Duran Duran practice.” (said by Nederlands coach)

4:06 PM Spain can’t find their inner groove. And neither can Nederlands. Maybe they should introduce a third team: THE SPACE WARRIORS

4:04 PM I bet soccer referees are physically fit, because they have to run around all day making sure nobody shanks anybody.

4:03:40 PM Waterfall / Bubbling Creek / Gentle Rain / VUVUZELA

4:03 PM LOL, what if those white-noise machines people use to fall asleep had a “Vuvuzela” setting?

4:01 PM Somebody just wrote me and said I should root for Mexico. Umm, what are you smoking? Mexico isn’t playing in the championship! This is Spain vs. Nederlands, get it right! Maybe Mexico is playing in some off-brand World Cup, but this is the real world cup, the one where you win a trophy that looks like a golden alien abortion.

4:01 PM Good point from a reader re: who to root for:

Whoever wins, people from that country are going to be partying HARD tonight. Are there more Spanish or Netherlandish people in your area? How hard do you want to party tonight? These questions will guide you.

3:59 PM Throw-in! Nederlands #2 looks for an opening … Spain steals the ball … whoops, whistle on the play … #6 for Spain has a lower-back issue … maybe don’t spend so much time in your chair looking at internet sites …

3:58 PM God, is there anything more terrifying than playing soccer and then someone passes the ball to you? That was always my ultimate nightmare.

3:56 PM Spanish fans are heartbroken that they just missed that goal! Ouchie-wowchie! Here’s their next attempt — straight into the goalie’s arms … whoa was that a player substitution? Cool, I didn’t know you could do that.

3:54 PM I wish I could hear the TV announcers, but everybody’s ordering coffee and talking about stuff … they’re like human vuvuzelas. Okay, here we go. Nederlands are on fire right now, but now Spain is on fire … nice defensive kick by Nederlands, looks like we’ going to have a throw-in … dudes this guy just walked into the coffee shop he looks just like Perez Hilton! (Deep shame that I know what Perez Hilton looks like, but whatever.)

3:53 PM Damn, are people flailing very much in this game? People are flailing every which way! Oh man I was sure that was gonna be a goal, but Spain’s defense was just too tight.

3:52 PM “It Doesn’t Matter How Much You Spend on Your Childrens’ Private School, They’re Going to Die in a Fire, You Dummy” (slate)

3:51 PM “You Thought You Knew Everything About Beach Towels, But You Don’t” (slate)

3:50 PM Real-life DRAMA: Somebody just asked me if I was Chip! Who’s Chip? I’ll be Chip! Does he own a boat?

3:48 PM Just skimmed an article on Slate.com called “Everyone who loves soccer should root against the Dutch.” Okay, I’m rooting against Spain then. I get so tired of Slate.com headlines: “Hey! Stop Listening to Piano Music!”

3:47 PM Who am i supposed to be rooting for, anyway? When I liveblogged the Olympics, it was easy: America rules, everyone else drools. But now? Who do we want to win? Everybody email me and tell me who to root for. (Link bait, this’ll drive up my SEO numbers and get me a sponsor for my banner ads.)

3:44 PM I don’t know what kind of vitamins are in this ice cream, but it’s making me feel incredible.

3:42 PM Player down! Holding his leg! (And moaning, too, I bet, although we can’t hear it.) One of the proud Spanish bulls has been felled by the Nederlandisch bullfighter! “Toreador-a, don’t spit on the floor-a,” am I right???

3:39 PM Here we go, Spain. Nope. The Nederlands goalie just kicked the “sheeeeart” out of the ball … wait, wait, here they come … something about the colors makes it look like there are 100 orange dudes and only 10 blue dudes … I think Nederlands perfected “psychological color warfare…”

3:37:95 Announcer: “The stakes are high. They can’t be higher, really.” I second that emotion.

3:37:52 PM Hey! How about one of these teams score a goal?

3:37 PM “The patchouli liveblogger”

3:35 PM Mmm somebody just walked into this coffee shop wearing lots of patchouli … I’m thinking about getting way into patchouli … I think I kinda like how it smells! I’ve lost all my prejudicial anti-hippy feelings about it that I used to have in college …

3:34 PM Spain’s #8 was just schooling some dudes on “Fancy Footwork 101″ … Corner kick … now the ref is schooling some players on “Fair play 101″ … now there’s chaos … the Spanish player missed the cross-header pass fadeaway on goal … “better luck next time”

3:33 PM Nederlands got a little too excited and passed the ball too far ahead of the other guy. Calm your nerves, guys: You’ve got 120 minutes to score (that’s how long soccer-game halves are, right?)

3:32 PM This is it, gang: the second half of the World Cup final. If one of the these teams wants to win the World Cup, now is the time to do it …

5:02 PM Game over. Spain is the soccer champion of the world! Congratulations to all the team who participated in this year’s World Cup. You will never be forgotten. World Cup 2010: The Legend Continues.

5:01 PM Come on, big orange!

4:58 PM Nederlands is screwed. Spain is dancing on their grave. All the tulips are turning black and dying. All the hash brownies are losing their mystical powers.

4:57 PM Things are looking grim for the Dutch. Time is not on their side, the numbers are not on their side, and soccer is not on their side. Can they pull off a Dutch miracle?

4:55:10 PM glglglglglglglglglg Nederlands is PISSED! Card out. There’s a card out! Was Spain offsides? What’s going on? Comedy and tragedy, we have it all!

4:55 PM Gl gl gl gl Spain scored!

4:54 PM Come on, guys. Score a goal. Bounce-off! It was a total bounce-off! Arrrggh

4:52 PM Looks like a penalty kick situation. I’m not sure because I’m so bored.

4:51 PM I wish they would show celebrities watching the game in the stands. Why don’t they do that? That’s like my favorite thing. “Celebrities, they’re just like us.”

4:49:12 PM Cards, whistles everywhere! Players are getting sloppy and frustrated. They definitely should not operate heavy machinery right now … they’d run somebody over with a forklift.

4:49 PM Nederlands is hurting. Free kick 21 meters from the goal. And … they biffed it. Spain sucks eggs from a hen.

4:48 PM No dice! Red card! red card! The worst card of them all! Free kick against Nederlands! Chaos! Vuvuzela overload! The Nederlands just lost a player. They are officially FUCKED.

4:47 PM Everybody’s tired. Spain surrounded by Dutch players. What font is that on the Dutch uniforms?

4:46 PM My promise to you: If someone finally scores in this cockamamie soccer game, I will NOT type GOOOAAAALLLLL! I will type “gl.”

4:45 PM Throw-in. Here we go. Spain on the march. Nederlands goalie grabs it. No dice. Do the math. Make it work. Just do it. Kick it. Can’t touch this.

4:44 PM The ball goes one way, then it goes the other way. That’s soccer in a nutshell.

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since you’ve started posting superstar & star’s videos, i’ve watched them and thought with vague confusion and amusement, “what on earth is up with this dude?” after watching Babys, however, i’m pleased to tell you that my reaction has been replaced with a rich smorgasbord of disquiet, concern, and (mostly towards the end) an unspecific but palpable dread. thanks for the introduction– now i can say i was “in on the ground floor” when Matador signs them at SXSW next year.

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I sharpened a lot of pencils yesterday. Thanks to everyone who ordered a pencil & print from the new site. I’m really happy and excited about this new project. I had a fantasy that I could go on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and sharpen pencils live on television; do you think that could actually happen? I’ll ask my agent to get to work on that.

Some people have sent me angry emails about this new pencil-sharpening business, asking why I charge so much money. The answer is that $12.50 is just an awesome amount of money to charge someone to sharpen their pencil. You know it, I know it, and everyone knows it.

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Oh, another thing I wanted to tell you guys was, since everybody seems to like the MNFTIU liveblogging, I decided to pick a show and liveblog it every week. And guess what show I’ve picked? Only the hottest game show in America: MINUTE TO WIN IT, Wednesdays at 8:00 on NBC! I’m gonna liveblog it every Wednesday starting tonight! Yes, please tune in to mnftiu.cc at 8:00 PM EST this evening for the initial liveblog of this amazing show that I’ve been wanting to watch ever since I saw a preview during the Olympics(?) or whenever the last time I watched TV was.

Wow, this is turning into my longest blog post ever. I guess I’ll just keep going! Last night there was a skunk in my backyard; is that interesting to you guys? Probably not. I harvested four fat-ass cucumbers from the garden. Oh! And yesterday I made a banana smoothie for lunch. I put coconut flakes in it and it tasted amazing! Hmm, maybe this is “too much information.” We all feel queasy now, right?

Anyway, in conclusion, let me just say, please visit my pencil sharpening web site and order a pencil and print (the prints are beautiful, trust me, people love them … and the pencils aren’t so bad either). And don’t forget to tune in this evening at 8:00 for my exclusive “Minute to Win It” liveblog!

7:54 PM How hard would it be for me to become the nation’s leading HSN liveblogger? How crowded is that field? She’s talking about a jewelry polishing cloth right now. It’s called “Sparkle Sparkle Everyday Jewlery Care Set.” Price? $19.95. What an unusual price! Okay, time to mentally prepare for MTWI (Minute to Win It)…

7:51 PM “You get this necklace home and you get to experience what ‘hand-made’ is all about …” she could be talking about http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com!

7:50 PM Ten minutes until “Minute to Win It …” I’m getting excited, I’ve wanted to see this show ever since I saw the preview … plus my favorite band is the Minutemen and my favorite brand of OJ is MinuteMaid so I was BORN to liveblog this show …

7:48 PM “Seven motherfuckin’ strands! Don’t sleep on this necklace!!!” Can you believe the HSN lady just yelled that?

7:44 PM If you thought that last necklace was nice, look at this next necklace. It’s called “Jay King Garnet 7-Strand ‘Waterfall’ 18″ Necklace.” Seven strands, guys. This necklace plays no games. “This is the Wu-Tang Clan of necklaces!” The hostess just said that. (j/k)

7:39 PM “Studio Barse Turquoise and Smoky Quartz 19″ Necklace!” She’s selling the necklace I mentioned! Guess how much? $49.95. My spidey-sense tells me that’s a bargain. “It’s absolutely a work of art … very sophisticated … a statement piece, a gallery piece …” She’s really talking up this necklace! I think this show is called “24 Hour Silver Celebration.” Guess what, guys? When they sell out of this necklace? Umm … don’t think you’ll be able to buy it. Because it’s NOT coming back. The lady just said that.

7:36 PM The hostess of this segment on HSN is wearing a necklace made out of 50-pound blue boulders. When can we order one of those???

7:34 PM Now I’m watching HSN, the Home Shopping Network. Now THIS is my vibe … my speed … my channel! Let’s see, tonight we’re buying a pendant! It has a gemstone on it. I’m sold. This woman on the phone? Is basically having an orgasm about what a great bargain this is, and how happy she is with her purchase of this gemstone pendant! “I’m thinking of Christmas now.” Oh goddamn she’s about to burn up that credit card! GEMSTONE PENDANT FTW

7:32 PM Okay, here’s the News Hour on PBS. This is more like it. Although I think they’re talking about this Andrew Breitbart / USDA story, which makes me want to strangle a goat. Breitbart is a sick man. Now they’re talking about Michele Bachmann(sp), they’re trying to make me switch back to Access Hollywood! Where can an old man find piece of mind on the television? I ask you!

7:31 PM I can’t handle Access Hollywood either, I just know it. I’m gonna change the channel.

7:30 PM Thirty minutes until “Minute to Win It!” I’m getting stoked.

7:27 PM You know what? I think Extra has defeated me. I consider myself a hip fellow, capable of listening to wild music and watching crazy movies, but this show is soooo chaotic and spasm-y that I don’t think I can watch it. Oh, wait I think it’s over. Whew. Time to relax with this nice commercial for Fort Lauderdale(?!?).

7:25 PM Cymbalta commercial (anti-depressant). Very poignant. I hope all those people feel better.

7:24 PM KFC commercial lookin’ good.

7:22 PM Now they’re talking about “The Other Guys,” a new comedy starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Oh! And Eva Mendes, the woman of my dreams, she’s being so silly right now! (Remember to spell-check her name before sending email to her agent.) The host of Extra is that guy from Saved by the Bell … they’re giving away an expensive watch right now. I don’t understand what’s going on.

7:20 PM I want to be warmed up by the time “Minute to Win It” starts, so I’m gonna do a little pre-game liveblogging. I’m watching a show called “EXTRA!” which is about movie premieres and movie stars’ beautiful bodies!

8:36 PM “Are you in it to win it, or are you gonna dash with the cash?” They move on to the next level … Sticker Picker Upper! In this challenge, you have to pick up a 50-pound bag of rice using an old Bush/Cheney bumper sticker.

8:34 PM “Level Four … FAILED. You have two lives remaining.” Ominous pulsing music helps the mood. Oh Jeez, this feelings-talk is crrrraazy! He’s gonna try again … more spoons, more chances to win, but also? More chances to fail. Oh shit, he’s ROCKING the spoons! He always chokes on that third spoon, though, right guys? HE DID IT! Umm… he just went into “monkey mode” I think he literally beat his chest he was so happy.

8:32 PM His mission: Use a spoon to flick a spoon into a glass. He’s not doing so well. I woulda called this challenge “Spoon Flick Madness From Beyond the Realms of Sanity.”

8:31 PM How come Guy Fieri gets to host this show AND Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, my favorite other show??? What’s he got that I don’t got? I can make my hair look like that! I can wear a big bracelet! C’mon, guys, give a guy a break! (And I don’t mean “Guy” guy … I mean me!)

8:29 PM Outback Steakhouse crab legs lookin’ good to eat. I love that the Outback Steakhouse ad is followed by a heart-attack medication ad. That’s the kind of thing that gets people in offices yelled at.

8:28 PM In this challenge they have to eat a bucket of metronomes. It’s called “The Big Tick-Tock Challenge.” (j/k, you know me, I gotta make a joke.)

8:25 PM Guide a thread through ten sewing needles! She’s going for it because, as she says, “I sew.” This is for $5,000. Umm… easiest challenge ever. Even though the sewing needles are getting smaller … Damn she’s doing it with her hand on her hip. That’s bad-ass. And she won! $5,000 in the bank and they show NO SIGN of slowing up!

8:24 PM She’s gotta pop a ball into a basket using a blanket. Damn this one is tricky. “It’s like some nightmare version of tiddlywinks from the depths of Satan’s soul.” (That’s how I would describe it.) WELL, GUESS WHAT? Satan is crying in his beer, b/c she just WON!

8:22 PM They just showed footage of people learning that they’d been selected for MTWI and completely freaking out. I love this show. This new task is called NutSucker Extreme! (j/k) It’s called Whippersnapper, and the contestants are articulating the HELL out of their decision vis a vis which one of them should compete.

8:21 PM Worst Chrysler commercial ever. That’s a bad Arby’s ad and a bad Chrysler ad all in one show. I’m disappointed. But this KFC ad keeps kickin’ ass with its new jingle! And all the close-ups of the juicy and crusty chicken body-parts.

8:20 PM Law & Order Los Angeles??? Are you freaking kidding me, you freaks? They can’t take our ka-chung sound to the West Coast! Get your own sound.

8:18 PM Homeboy just yanked the SHIT out of some ribbons. They just made thousands of dollars. “She told me to calm down and I calmed down. We’re a great team!” (Life lesson, hello? “The Collected Teachings of Minute to Win It,” St. Martin’s Press 2011)

8:17 PM They gotta pull colored ribbons out from under water bottles. Oh, wait, this couple don’t know each other. Pressure’s on! Could these contestants be any more articulate, by the way? He’s gotta yank those ribbons!

8:15 PM Next contestants: A NY couple living “The American nightmare” since the economy collapsed. “We have accumulated too much debt.” Hello, class war! Is MTWI (MInute to Win It) totally Marxist??? I hope so.

8:12 PM He’s frazzled. He’s totally frazzled. His fiancee is telling him he’s steady, but he’s jittery. We’re talking about a half-milli! How could he not be freaked? It’s looking shaaaaky …OH SNAP HE DID IT!!!! HIM = WIN, ME = FAIL!!!! Extreme NutStacker win for $500,000! The music is pumping!!! “Before this gets out of control, you have one life left. You are one challenge away from a million dollars …” Are they gonna keep going, or take their money and go home? Their parents are like, “Take your money and get the fuck out.” They’re taking the $500 Gs!

8:11 PM They have one last chance. One last dance, one last star to hitch their wagon to … one last try! The man is going for it. My prediction: TOTAL FAILURE WITHIN TEN SECONDS.

8:10 PM Watching the replay … he stacked those nuts, but they didn’t last for three seconds! Tragedy. “Level 9, Failed!” So says the female robot-voice who controls their destiny.

8:09 PM That was the most boring Arby’s commercial of all time.

8:08 PM Eat Pray Love commercial! Guys, how psyched are we for this movie??? (Just talking to the guys here.)

8:07 PM We gotta go to the tape on this, after the commercial. The female contestant: “Oh my God, this is insane!”

8:06 PM He’s stacking those nuts … uh-oh, looking shaky. One more nut …GLORY NO, he dropped the stack of nuts!!! He had to hold it for three seconds! But it wasn’t quite long enough. Riot in the studio???

8:04 PM Who competes next, the man or the woman? Jesus, these contestants are really talking about their feelings! It’s like In Treatment up in here. The producers must tell ‘em to talk to each other like that. Now the guy has to try the nutstack challenge … can he succeed where his fiancee failed? My prediction: HELL NO

8:03 PM Umm, this music? What planet did it come from? Is this Britney Spears from Belgium, year 2035? I gotta say, she’s stacking those nuts like a total champ! WHOA Dammit, the nut-stack collapsed! Now they face a choice …

8:02 PM Do it, do it! They’re going for $500,000! Stack the nuts! Okay, what she has to do is, slide nuts of a chop stick onto a cutting board to create a pile of ten nuts. She has ONE MINUTE TO WIN IT …

8:01:50 PM The challenge is called “Extreme Nutstacker.” I love my new favorite show that I’ve been watching for two minutes.

8:01 PM GUY FIERI, are you kidding me? This dude has all my dream jobs. I want to host every show he hosts. Okay, they have to build the leaning tower of Pisa made out of nuts(?)

8:00 PM Here we go! Karate instructor and bartender compete for one million dollars! THIS IS MY SHOW, THIS IS MY SHOW, I’M FINALLY WATCHING MY SHOW

8:59 PM They’re going home with $125,000. And that’s the end of the show. Guy Fieri, can you feel me breathing down your neck? I’m coming for your JOBS, son.

8:57 PM Damn he nailed it in like 10 seconds! This kid Kyle is a world-beater! Everybody is hugging each other! It’s like a rave with gadgets and gizmos.

8:56 PM Level 7: Propeller Head, based on a Chinese Toy from olden tymes. Launch a propeller into a basket. Can they do it? First they must discuss it in complete sentences and articulate their fears and desires. Kyle’s going for it! Big pressure …

8:53 PM “Super Coin,” bounce quarters into a water jug. Do it in a minute and you win one million dollars. They just got an audience member … here he goes … plucked from anonymity to destiny … flicking quarters for a cool million … GO FOR IT … He will never, ever, ever, be able to do this. This is worse than a carny game! Guy Fieri: “That one, had it been over about 8 inches, woulda gone in.” LOL, pretty close.

8:51 PM Who knew Uncle Ben’s microwave rice could make such a hip commercial? Wait, I’m really down on this Swiffer ad b/c it makes fun of regular ol’ brooms! WTF, brooms rule! Swiffer sucks! I don’t trust Swiffer; they irradiate the mop heads or something, right? They’re messing with molecules and that’s not right. I don’t trust Swiffer … and that’s that.

8:49 PM They’re going for $125,000. That’s more money then I’ve ever seen in my life.

8:47 PM Emotional moment, here. Kyle is speaking about his grandfather and getting choked up. Hug from Guy Fieri … and guess what? Papa Jack is on the line! Music? Tugging at heartstrings … Papa Jack? Totally reading from a script. C’mon, Papa Jack, just freestyle. Don’t read some producer’s script!

8:45 PM Guys, she failed. They only have one life remaining … One Life to Live, as it were. The decision has been made: Kyle will attempt Raisin the Bar for $75,000. He better flick those bottles like a champion … Flick one: NO Flick two: YES Flick three: YES Flick four: YES And we’re in Monkey Mode yet again! This guy Kyle is really good at this gameshow.

8:44 PM Time for Lisette to do a challenge called “Raisin the Bar,” where she has to find a single raisin in McSorley’s. (j/k) She has to flick a matchbook out from under a bottle. Where’s the raisin? I’m confused yet again by my favorite new show…

8:42 PM Okay, here’s Sticker Picker Upper: They gotta use a goddamn EGG to pick up stickers off a platter without cracking the egg? “Yagottabekiddinme!” The guy is going for it: “I practiced this one at home.” Do they know the games ahead of time? I’m confused. The woman: “Balance is all about breath.” That’s some yoga-wisdom, right there. Oh, he’s CRUSHING this! WIN! “Level five, complete!” $50,000! Blast that happy music! Is that NeYo? It’s what I imagine NeYo sounds like? (BTW am I typing NeYo with sufficiently esoteric typography?)

8:41 PM One thing I like about this show is how people all over America play the challenges at home and then post their videos on the internet. MTWI FTW!

8:40 PM I like this commercial. I’m gonna buy a Jeep. “I live, I ride, I am. Jeep.” That’s me in a nutshell.

Thanks to blog reader SM for forwarding this chilling video:

See, this is the dark future of pencil sharpening … UNLESS we re-dedicate ourselves to artisanal practices!

I’ll be the John Henry of pencil sharpeners if I have to … if that’s what it takes to prove the age-old law: MAN IS BETTER THAN MACHINE.

Okay, so it’s decided: We’re going to start a big campaign to get me on the David Letterman show for a pencil-sharpening demonstration. More information soon …

Who doesn’t love a fun Facebook campaign?

Please support our campaign to get me booked on the David Letterman show for a live pencil-sharpening demonstration!

(I think you have to be on Facebook for this to work.)

The National Post interviewed me about artisanal pencil sharpening:

I read an article which said this could be seen as a response to the state of political cartooning: there are no jobs out there, so you have to turn to something else. Did that factor into your decision to start this project?

I wish I had thought of that! No, I never made any connection between this project and political cartooning. The irony is that I never even used pencils when I was a cartoonist; I did it all using clip art. But the idea of laid-off cartoonists turning to trades like pencil sharpening and ink-stain-removal to make ends meet is very poignant.

Read the rest here. Check out the first comment; I love it!

The response to the pencil-sharpening business has been amazing.

Today I sharpened more pencils than any other day of my life!

I’ll be liveblogging “Minute to Win It” tonight at 8:00 PM EST.

8:29 PM Little sister is a bit of a scene-stealer. Has she been coached by the producers? My inner Seymour Hersh says YES. Hello, I just realized G.F. is wearing panama shorts or capri pants, or whatever you call them. Hmm. Maybe I can’t step to him after all.

8:28 PM I stand before you humbled and ashamed. They won Whippersnapper. They advance to the next round. Guy Fieri: “That was intense.” See, that’s why he’s a bad host. I woulda been like, “Ladies, that was super intense. That was one of the most amazing things in all of human history, except for that one time when I had a dead cat in my garage.”

8:27 PM This challenge is called “Whippersnapper,” but these girls know it as “Soulcrusherandmakeyougohome-er.”

8:26 PM Who wants to eat a pound of cocaine with me and then go see “Charlie St. Cloud?”

8:25 PM Oh, Arby’s-dad. You lucky bastard! (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:24 PM Oh, Nick Drake. You poor guy. (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:22 PM That dead cat was smelling “not nice.” Okay, these ladies only have one final chance left in their quiver of possibility. They just plain ol’ cannot seem to whip the ping-pong balls into the innertube. OKAY THAT WAS A CLASSIC, INSANE CUTAWAY, RIGHT? (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:21 PM This innertube will be these ladies’ Waterloo. (That’s the battle where you lose, right?)

8:19 PM Sorority sisters failed to bounce balls into an innertube. News at 11. How much blood is on your hands, Mr. Fieri? Why do you wear sunglasses on the back of your head?

8:18 PM Look at this family playing homegrown Minute to Win It and being immortalized on television. You know what? There’s something about this show I don’t trust … I’m just starting to get a weird vibe from MTWI. I’m going into Seymour Hersh mode.

8:17 PM Eek! Rats in a park! News at 11:00. “Truth is stranger than fiction.”

8:14 PM Does Dove make soap and chocolate? “I don’t a-get it.” Now I’m watching a commercial about some new kind of phone from T-Mobile that can do all these amazing things like send a photo to your brother? Again, “Color me befuddled.” Okay, now we’re getting pumped for a new detergent called WISK. Hey, that’s Elmer Fudd’s favorite table-top strategy game!

8:12 PM As I poked my head up into the rafters and turned on my flashlight, I was like, “You’re probably about to see something gruesome. Keep your cool.” And then I basically just moaned and groaned for the next two hours. Where was Guy Fieri? Nowhere I could see. Uh-oh, he just brought some kind onstage and let her say “Minute to Win It!” and then said, “You’re about this close to taking over my show.” Yeah, that’s right, Guy … I’m coming for your JOB. Let me make an announcement on your show; you’ll never regain control from me.

8:08 PM Here’s a commercial for a movie called “Cats and Dogs: Something something,” which reminds me of what I did today, which was retrieve a maggot-infested cat corpse from the rafters of my garage (if you are one of my facebook friends, you know this already). Anyway, it was brutal. Lesson: When your garage starts smelling weird, do not hesitate — INVESTIGATE. Instead I was all like, “Oh, it’s probably a seasonal smell, related to pollen.” Yeah right! It was related to about 10,000 pounds of dried-up cat poopoo and an emaciated cat with grubs and bugs crawling all over it like some vision of Dante’s nightmare on Elm Street. I entered a spiritual malaise over that action. Oh, wait — Minute to Win It is back on! They gotta force a golf ball through a grill or something? Roll golf balls into the vent-holes on a grid lid? YES, SHE CAN. $5,000 is theirs!

8:07 PM This Tide detergent commercial is BORRRRRRRING

8:06 PM Is Guy Fieri wearing sunglasses backwards? Who is this guy? LOL, those cutaways to commercials are pretty normal, right? I always assume NBC’s satellite has fallen out of orbit. WHAT MANIACS ARE BEHIND THIS SHOW???

8:05 PM Guy Fieri’s commentary is especially banal this evening. How I loathe him … yet envy him.

8:03 PM Are you ready for your next challenge? It’s called “Wind-Up Bird Chronicles.” You gotta hang out in the bottom of a well for like five days. You’ve got a minute to win it! Just kidding, it’s a challenge with a kite. They have to run around with a kite. It’s called “High As A Kite.” (Minute to Win It producers having a LOL over that one.)

8:02 PM The thing I like about this show is it feels choppily edited. Which is rare for a game show. So it feels a little bit surreal — a little off-kilter, like a Murakami(sp) story.

8:01:50 PM Here’s Guy Fieri in his latest bowling shirt, announcing the new game “Loop De Loop,” in which they must roll a hoop over a bottle. America, are we ready?

8:01 PM Tonight all the contestants are sorority sisters? Are you serious? “America, I love you more and more each day. I have finally chosen you over the Taliban.”

8:00 PM It’s a Minute to Win It beach party! With my longstanding foe Guy Fieri!

7:58:40 PM Jeep commercials are still the best: “I live. I ride. I am. Jeep. I am a human Jeep. Bow down before me.”

7:58 PM Let’s go, let’s do this, let’s win it in a single minute! All things are possible through (via?) the Lord.

8:59 PM That’s it, my second episode of MTWI is over. See you next week!

8:58 PM If the two members of Team Awesome don’t copulate and create a race of beautiful superhumans TONIGHT I am going to sue everybody.

8:56 PM Goddamn, “Team Awesome” member Nate (the guy with the big biceps) just channeled the HELL out of my dear old beloved housemate B.G. from back in Boston days. He was talking about his background in mathematics and how it’s gonna help him complete this challenge where he’s gotta roll a marble down a ruler. That was cool.

8:54 PM What if one day Guy Fieri went crazy and introduced the challenge and then turned to the contestant and said, “You’ve got a WEEK to win it. Take your time.” Lawsuit from the producers to Guy Fieri. Investigative report from TV Guide. Wait, umm… sorry to stop making my humorous comments, but when did G.F. totally change outfits? Now he’s dressed in “Miami Evening Casual With High Probability of Buffalo Wings.” Is this the most slapdash show of all time?

8:53 PM Okay, back to “Team Awesome.” Here’s their Level 2 challenge: “Supreme Gas Huffer.” Huff a lot of gas and then fall down. Just kidding, of course, it’s called something else. Hey, as long as it’s not called, “Drag This Dead Cat Into This Bag While Balancing On A Ladder And Gagging,” I’m into it.

8:51 PM Nobody will ever, ever, evvvvver win “Super Coin” for the one million dollar prize. Ever. You might as well eat a roller coaster in a minute. Ie, it’s a fool’s errand.

8:50 PM “Super Coin.” Play for a million dollars. You might as well just play the lottery. Hey guys, do we think G.F. has tattoos? How do we find out? I bet he has a tattoo of a big plate of nachos on his back.

8:48 PM Well, thanks to that Hebrew National ad, I now I know who I’m voting for in the 2010 “Least-Lookin’ Like Queen Elizabeth In A Commercial” Election. Was she really supposed to be Queen Elizabeth?

8:47 PM Fruit smoothies at McDonald’s, and the commercial’s music sounds like Kronos Quartet on X (the drug “ecstasy”.)

8:46 PM These contestants have named their team “Team Awesome.” I subtract 5 charisma points from their total.

8:45 PM Are you kidding with how attractive these contestants are? That guy Nate’s arms are lookin’ BANGING. He even has that too-old-for-emo-yet-semi-emo hair that drives the ladies BONKERNANAS.

8:44 PM Time to play Tilt-A-Cup. This game looks well neigh impossible. If I was Edgar Allen Poe’s raven, I’d say: “You’ll win this game NEVERMORE.”

8:42 PM The judges declared that the sorority sisters did not play by the rules. BUSTED. They go home in shame. And the sausage factory continues its grind: Two new contestants, who just happen to be the most physically attractive game-show contestants in television history.

8:40 PM Still hating on this Chrysler commercial.

8:38 PM Ooh, NICE shot of #2 pencils in this Office Max commercial. Damn, that was hot.

8:36 PM Oh, snap! Did they cheat? Did they violate scuba-flipper-tennis 101? First these messages … here’s an ad about a car that has a fancy radio that works like a TiVo or something.

8:35 PM Next: A mutated form of tennis using scuba flippers and a cooler. “What vision of hell be this?” (That’s what Aristotle would say if he was watching this.) “What taste of madness hath now alighted upon my old-timey tongue?” (Another option for ol’ Aristotle.)

8:34 PM G.F.’s goatee is more complicated than I thought at first.

8:32 PM Can they do it??? I think they can. The clock is on their side … Victory is at hand! $50,000 in the pocket! The sorority girls are happy. They both hugged G.F. Umm … the sorority girls’ parents look YOUNGER THAN ME. What’s up with that? Am I really that old? I’m older than the parents of contestants on game shows???

8:31 PM Time to roll marbles through a pool noodle for $50,000.

When I’m mailing a pencil to a customer, and the post office clerk asks me “if there is anything hazardous” in the shipping container, am I obligated to tell her the pencil is hazardous? Because it could totally poke your eye out in about one second.

The web site True/Slant is shutting down this weekend. I was an occasional contributor. As a favor to you, I have compiled the 10 best articles T/S ever published.

I live pretty close to Rhinebeck, which is where Chelsea Clinton is getting married tomorrow. I’m going to drive there and liveblog the wedding.

What could go wrong? I’ll just make my own laminated badge that says “OFFICIAL WEDDING BLOGGER” and bring my “fancy” laptop (not my casual-Friday laptop, the one with the silk trim) and walk into the mansion(?) where she’s getting married and get to liveblogging.

Guys, it’s a-gonna be a-great.