Liveblogging My Friend Watching Television, Part I

11:58 By the way, MH is totally asleep. He will never understand what I just saw. MANDY PETEPKIN IS CRYING WATCHING THE KID PLAY HIS CELLO AFTER HIS MOM DID AN ELECTRIC CHAIR HUMAN SACRIFICE THAT ALLOWED– forget it. “Guess you had to be there.” Okay, that’s all for tonight. See you later on the internet.

11:57 I did not know things like this episode of “Criminal Minds” were capable of being produced and broadcast on human television. My mind has a tummy-ache and my tears are hallucinating.

11:56 Pertomkin is still lookin’ more gobsmacked than a muhr-fahr … say what? She’s gonna let an innocent lady get electrocuted just b/c she wants to? SHOW JUST GOT EVEN MORE BETTER AND CRAZY AND Wha Tha Fah!!!! Didn’t think it was possible … “America, how did we get so awesome?”

11:55 Detective versus Prison warden versus the cops??? Does it get any better than this??? By the way, MH is about to literally fall asleep … shows how much he knows about the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen on tv …

11:54 Mandy Potamdkin looks positively gobsmacked. That is the only word for what his face looks like right now

11:53 This lady is really about to get electrocuted in the electric chair for a crime she didn’t commit just so her son can play the cello???

11:52 Fuck it, I just flipped. I like this show. This is a fun show. Lots of interesting things that are non-reality-based happen on this show. “Criminal Minds,” recognize.

11:51 PM Madwoman Mother Vs. Psychic Detective Vs. Long-Lost Son Vs. Can-the-computer-lady-find-him-on-the-database-in-time

11:46 THis prison lets cops and detectives run around with no supervision and no gameplan. It seems unrealistic to me … then again, “WhaddaIknow?”

11:45 It’s coming down to the wire, which is appropriate, because “Criminal Minds” is as good as “The Wire.”

11:42 GOT IT, CASE SOLVED: She’s gonna take the electric chair to save her son (who was alive the whole time, aka NOT murdered) from her madman partner … wait! HOLD UP! Is the madman being played by the super-creepy assassin guy from “The Untouchables???” Gack. Double-gack with a cherry on top.

11:41 PM Does this happen often? The prison warden lets a death-row inmate just wander around in the parking lot 20 minutes before they’re due to die?

11:39 PM You know what, Mandy Petemcurd? You were a Broadway star. PROJECT YOUR VOICE SO WE CAN HEAR IT … you’re mumbling harder than “Mumbly McGillicutty,” the famous detective who nobody could hear …– WTF HUH? SOme weird acting going on and also some realllly weird camera work …. HUH did these cops just time-travel on my ass?

11:38 GODDAMN is this Dr. Scholl’s foot computer-thing for real? You go to a pharmacy and step on the foot-computer and tells you what the fuck is wrong with your foot? “America, where are we going?”

11:38 PM MH: “Fuck it, it’s on, I’m getting a Bowflex.” (Umm, in about two days you’ll be calling it your “Sadflex.”)

11:37 I just had to SERIOUSLY pop MH’s bubble re: bowflex, and whether it works.

11:36 PM Haven’t seen a Bowflex ad in a dog’s age … still looking strong …

11:35 The computer-generated hotel on this ad looks like a fun place to chill in.

11:34 MH: “Stop being so cryptic, you damn cryptic-ass couple” (re: Mandy Putuponkin and the Madwoman)

11:34 Mandy Perturbedcan.

11:33 PM They’re about to execute the madwoman and only Mandy Purtamken can save her … he’s inside her cell right now while she eats her last meal … the other cop is talking to the other crazy murderer … the actors are having what I call an “Out-intensity-off,” where they try to out-intensely-act each other …

11:31 PM “Criminal Minds” Commercial Quiz: Anybody try Xenadrine Ultra? Does it work? If so, what does it do?

11:30 PM That commercial we just watched was weird. it was about fake medicare or something

11:28 PM They just found a skull under a gazebo.

11:27 PM HOW DID THE CONDEMNED MADMAN WIN THE POKER GAME? Oh wait, but then he just got outsmarted by “ultimate bad-ass cop” aka “Mr. Dark Eyebrows Who Never Smiles” (that would be his Indian name)

11:24 PM Mandy Pertenkin is trying to get inside the mind of a madwoman … the mind of a murderer … and his co-workers are simultaneously trying to get inside the mind of a madman (who somehow lives in the same jail as the madwoman?) … too many people are trying to get inside too many minds of madmen and madwomen, that’s what I think the problem is right now … now Mandy Pertpumpkin is arching his eyebrows like the world’s biggest genius– did he crack the case???

11:23 PM Yahama DX-7 is OWNING this soundtrack … “Set piano sample to ‘moody batwings’ … ACTIVATE”

11:23 PM I’m fuckin’ pissed that MH stopped eating the peanuts so quickly, b/c I was living vicariously through him.

11:22 PM Criminal Minds is getting very realistic and good right now … did David Simon produce this show “Criminal Minds”? I only ask because of its high quality …

11:17 PM LOL, MH just told me about “Vaguebooking,” where you give a vague status update on their Facebook. He made some verrrrry humorous fake examples… it was 50,000 times more entertaining than this show “Criminal Ass-Suckers” oh, whoops “Criminal Minds” … hold up, we’re watching a catheter ad right now. Never seen one before … “The Liberator,” that’s the name of the catheter.

11:15 PM I’m calling it: This show sucks ass.

11:12 PM Goddamn, I think the budget for this show must be about a haypenny … maybe a quarter-farthing … or maybe a wooden nickel … basically, whatever the cheapest-ass coin of all time is– because this prison looks like you could break out of it in about 9.2 seconds … “Chain-link fence jail alert” …

11:12 PM Is the batty old lady in the sweater-vest drinking Smirnoff out of a coffee cup in the middle of the day supposed to be an alcoholic?

11:10 PM Lemme explain why I just dropped a “GACK” in the previous post: Some lady detective just looked at some old-ass ramshackle shack and did like X-ray-into-the-past vision and saw what the house used to look like AND THEY SHOWED IT ON TV, WHAT IT MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE

11:08 PM GACK THIS SHOW WENT INTO PSYCHIC-CGI MODE … is that lady a ghost whisperer or something??? America, what’s happened to us??? How did our shows get so awesome? Also, this show is some channel I’ve never seen before called “ion.” Say what? Are you a tv channel or a vitamin supplement, yo?

11:07 PM The famous Broadway singer Mandy Potemkin (sp) is on this show! He’s like the head psychologist or something! Interesting fact: In real life, Mandy Potemkin has no backside …

11:04 PM whoa whoa hold up how did MH just put away that can of peanuts after eating only three handfuls? Look at Mr. Self-Control over here, whassamatta, you don’t like my peanuts? FREE PEANUTS FOR EVERYONE WHO LOVE PEANUTS, JUST LIVEBLOG US AND WE’LL GIVE YOU THE PEANUTS

11:02 PM Now we’re watching a show called “Criminal Minds” … this is one of those shows where, if you listen to the background music for 5 seconds, you learn everything you need to know about the show, FOREVER … looks to be about a team of behavioral-analysis super-cops(?) … maybe they get inside the “Criminal’s Mind,” which is almost like the title of the show: “Criminal Minds” …

11:00 PM We canceled our cable a few months ago … only get the networks channels now … MH: “This is a dire situation” … he’s used to having free rein over million of cable channels … it’s how he can watch Law & Order forty-two times per day …

10:59 This show is gonna crash and burn, that’s my prediction … then again, I thought Avatar would win everything Sunday night, and it didn’t, so what do I know? Well, if you must ask, I know one thing, which is that if you open a can of Aunt Ruby’s Peanuts, you’re in for a world of peanuts-in-your-mouth-puttin’-em-quick-ing …

10:58 I gave blog reader SA a can of Aunt Ruby’s peanuts tonight and by the time I drove home and walked in the house there was already a message on my machine from him about how amazing the peanuts were …

10:56 MH isn’t eating as many peanuts as I would’ve thought … I myself have killed three cans in four days … which is why I’m giving away cans to friends and family … (My folks sent me some cans after we got slammed with snow and I had to do some hard-core shoveling) …

10:55 The guy from Six Feet Under is sad because his kid was just diagnosed with Asperger’s (sp) Syndrome … it’ll be okay, dude … remember how much harder your life sucked when you would hallucinate about your dead undertaker father? And your girlfriend was going crazy and doing unseemly things with her massage clients?

10:53 PM Also, MH likes reality shows: He was telling me about a documentary or a show or something he watched about a UPS shipping facility that basically was the best thing he ever saw — WAIT LOOK A PROMO FOR “MINUTE TO WIN IT,” the new show starring my arch nemesis Guy “Taking All My Fantasy Jobs” Fieri …

10:52 PM MH, on PARENTHOOD: “I’ve never seen people so happy.”

10:51 PM Whoa, one of the characters is smoking pot! Mari-jer-huana alert! I didn’t know you could smoke dope on a TV show … what’s happening to us, America? … look at how all the actors talk over each other … it’s naturlistic …

10:49 PM Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls, one of our top ten shows of all time, the immortal first seasons shall never be duplicated … now she’s on this show PARENTHOOD …. MH: “God, I’ll watch anything” …

10:47 PM I’m in liveblog heaven … I’ve always been obsessed with MH’s television watching habits … he loves Law & Order … he owns a Law & Order coffee mug, and once we wrote and recorded a song about Law & Order (lyrics: “There’s a new law / moving through the land / it’s bringing order, law’s right-hand man …”) … Now on this show we’re watching, called PARENTHOOD, there’s an awkward moment where one character calls out another character for not working, but she’s still bidding on some hot bachelor or something … basically, MH called it, like: “Uh-oh!”

10:46 PM Earlier tonight MH showed me American Idol, the singing show which I’d never watched before. What a show!

10:44 PM Buddy MH is currently holding it down with a glass of Coca-Cola and an ice-cold handful of Aunt Ruby’s peanuts (NC peanuts; best on earth) … he’s watching PARENTHOOD, the amazing new drama you saw one preview for during the Olympics … goddamn he’s just basically chillin’ soooo hard right now …