I found some snow!

I can’t believe I missed the end of the Olympics. I thought it lasted a whole month …

The Kentucky Senator has been dominating the news cycle, and I’ve found the best costume for those of you who want to dress up as him for Halloween.

I’m gonna liveblog the Oscars if they’re televised. The Oscars, for those of you who have been living under a rock on Mars, are like the Olympics of Hollywood. They take place on Sunday night.

Like the Olympics, there will be an opening ceremony, multiple events, separate categories for men and women, and a huge, menacing flame that can never be extinguished.

Also, North Korea will not participate.

In preparation for Sunday’s Oscars, I’m looking for a list of all the nominees. Is this list publicized before the awards ceremony?

Thanks to those readers who have sent links to the list of Oscar nominees. How do we know these are the actual nominees??? What if they’re not???

Mitt Romney’s new book is called “No Apology: The Case For American Sandwiches.”

(Wait … actually, that might be “No Apology: The Case For American Greatness.”)

Anyway, it sounds pretty good!

“[T]here can be no rational denial of the reality that America is a decidedly good nation,” writes Romney, or perhaps a third grader. “Therefore, it is good for America to be strong.”

I can’t wait to get my hands on this book and read it aloud on the bus in a very loud voice.

Don’t forget to check in on Sunday night for Oscars Wineblogging! See you soon …

Just got a tip from reader TB … the Oscars are on TV after all! LIVEBLOGGING BEGINS NOW … this is a good Coke commercial … it’s Oscar time, people … spread the word …

10:01 Samuel Jackson just made a funny face– was Monique too much for him?

10:00 Oh shit Monique is killing this speech …

9:59 Man I gotta see that Precious movie. I heard it’s a little gruesome and exploitati– whoa hold up Monique is going off about politics of the Academy

9:59 Did you read that article about how Monique didn’t give a shit about the Oscars? THis is why she must win AND SHE WON!!!! BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE!!! Cool

9:59 And Monique, for Precious … this is the one I’m rooting for … I like Monique

9:58 Oh man, I didn’t see any of these movies … I feel guilty for some weird reason

9:56 Best supporting actresses, get ready: This is your time: Penelope Cruz (9) (is she a good actress? Not sure about that– I saw a movie where she hosted a cooking show and I thought it was kinda wack) … Vera Famiglia for Up in the Air (gotta say, this movie seems intolerable to me; am I just a hater?) … Maggie Gylehnanal for Crazy Heart (movie about grumpy ol’ guy who’s hurting real bad) … Anna Kendrick for Up in the Air …

9:55 Oh boy, here comes RObin WIlliams … put your hijinx helmet on

9:54 Roger Corman won an award? Is he the one who made the movies with the women with the big bazoombas?

9:54 Winners all, each and every one (my two cents)

9:53 This is one of those montages where they show highlights from some weird day-time awards show they didn’t invite us too

9:52 Is there anyone it would be more fun to be best friends with than QUeen Latifah?

9:52 Look, ther’es my arch-nemesis from the Olympics: Morgan “Credit Card Commercial” Freeman

9:51 Goddamn we’re in grown-up mode right now … this guy is bringing a strange intensity to the event

9:50 Holy shit I’m feeling this guy … he’s out of breath and totally quiet and sincere …

9:50 I thought Nick Hornsburg would win for An Education

9:50 Oh shit, I’m actually kinda stoked about this

9:49 And the winner is … PRECIOUS BY SAPPHIRE, THE MOVIE PUSH!!!

9:48 In the Loop (didn’t see it, heard it was funny) … An Education (about a sexy cello player? didn’t see it) … District 9 (I thought this was a good movie)

9:48 Best adapted screenplay noms: Up in the Air … Push by Sapphire, the movie Precious …

9:47 Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllehneal are irradiating the room with their youth, their talent …

9:47 Dunkin’ Donuts commercial

9:46 I like the music in this car commercial. I bet you could really wash some dishes to this music — except then it goes into that “Angry, noisy car driving too fast” mode and loses it … hmm … OH CAR COMMERCIALS WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FRUSTRATE ME???

9:45 Was JC Penney a real person? I bet she was a nice lady

9:45 They should give an OScar to this toilet paper commercial for “Silliest toilet paper commercial”

9:44 Next up: oscar for best supporting actress in a flim or extended television show that looks like a movie …

9:43 He’s describing “A Serious Man,” the latest movie from the Coen Brothers …

9:43 Jeff Bridges is about to give a speech …

9:42 PM I think one of the best-make-up award winners was high on marijuana

9:41 The guy is wearing a beret, or some kind of floppy hat … I like it… “live long and prosper with wealth”

9:41 PM The winner for best make-up: Star Trek (2009)

9:39 Nominees: Il Divo (never saw it, I win) … Star Trek: The movie (I saw this one) … The Young Victoria (never saw it, I win again) man this movie looks boring, about a young Victoria … only three nominees, what?

9:39 Best Make-up In A Movie or Film … get on with it …

9:39 Everybody’s laughing and having a wonderful time

9:38 Ben Stiller is presenting an award, dressed up as one of those blue guys from Avatar

9:37 Oy vey, you don’t wanna know what I just went through … turns out the pilot went out on the ol’ hot water heater … so now I can’t take my shower and get pretty for the Oscars…

9:25 PM Did I just hear Katherine Kennear (sp) do the voice-over for a Hyundai commercial?

9:25 PM: Commercial break … I can’t believe we’re actually watching the Oscars!

9:24 PM Samuel Jackson is telling us about UP … the animated film that has been nominated for an Oscar … I saw UP at the discount theatre and I tried to sneak in some peanuts and I got totally busted … that’s a true story …

9:23 PM Too much tribute … back to the show … let’s win some awards!

9:22 PM Damn, Judd Nelson wins gold for the “Merle Allan lookalike contest”

9:22 PM Oh snap here comes every movie star who ever starred in a John Hughes movie … they’re going to make a tribute to him …

9:21 PM Damn, now they’re showing some John Hughes movies I don’t even recognize! What’s this movie with Kevin Bacon in a gray tuxedo?

9:20 PM: Why is he getting this special retrospective? Is he the most famous director to die this year?

9:19 PM: No way did John Hughes make all these movies!!! He made HOME ALONE???

9:17 PM: Hurt Locker will win every award, right? Should that be my prediction? Molly Ringwald, more beautiful than ever, is talking about John Hughes, the famous teenage movie director … I saw most of his movies … now Matthew Broderick is talking about Ferris Beuller, the classic film he made with john Hudhges …

9:16 PM: Acceptance speech is going well … the writer’s tuxedo collar looks really fresh … he’s dedicating his award to the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan … and his dad who passed away …

9:15 PM: HURT LOCKER wins screenplay award … this means it’ll win everything, mark my words!!!

9:15 PM: Up (by Pixar) … and the winner is:

9:13 PM: Nominees for screenplay: Hurt Locker … Inglourious Basterds (Brad Pitt is unlistenable, my 2cents) … The MEssenger (didnt’ see it; it’s about people telling each other they’re dead) … Serious Man by Coen Bros …

9:11 PM: Alec Baldwin is talking … here come two mega-talented young people: Robert Downey and Tina Fey … Robert Downey has a nice blue bow-tie … they are cracking the crowd up … everyone is so psyched about the Oscars …

9:10 PM: Commercial about a crazy movie director who talks to squirrels … funny stuff … now it’s one of those car commercials that cuts between quiet shots of cars and super noisy/violent shots of cars …

9:09 PM: So the fight between ABC and Cablevision seems to be resolved … and I can see the Academy Awards on my television … I’m excited … I think they already awarded some awards … I will confirm and get back to you …

11:08 Keaneu Reeves (sp) introduces the Hurt Locker … a movie about disarming bombs in Iraq. I liked this movie, I gotta say. I hope everyone gets into defusing bombs and removing land mines as a result of this movie …

11:07 Best film editing … a bunch of nominees (the same movies you’ve been hearing about all night) … the winner is HURT LOCKER. Things are looking good for Hurt Locker tonight …

11:06 Wait a minute … did they already give the award for best supporting actor???

11:05 Tyler Perry brings the snark/bitterness. You know what, dude? You probably won’t get an Oscar, because your movies are pretty lame.

11:05 Winner is: THE COVE (about people killing dolphins and eating them)

11:04 Which Way Home (final doc nominated) and the winner is …

11:01 PM Best doc: Burma VJ / Food Inc. / The Cove of Terror / Daniel Ellsberg: The Most Dangerous Assassin in the World /

10:56 Jason Batemen here to tell us about Up in the Air. Screw it: I’m preemptively judging this movie. It just seems too perfectly middle-brow to me. I shan’t see it. I shall only see cowboy movies.

10:56 Who won for best score? I missed it.

10:55 “I can’t believe we made such an expensive movie!” (What if said that in real life?)

10:55 Avatar just won for “Best Amazing Special Effects”

10:47 Dance tribute to the best musical scores. I’m gonna heat up some rice and beans.

10:46 Oh it’s the guy from Avatar. The guy who turned into an alien in the woods.

10:45 Jennifer Lopez and some guy are hear to tell about us musical soundtracks … I think …

10:44 Hell yeah, Raymour and Flanigan commercial! My favorite place to look at furniture. For real, that’s my store

10:43 LOL, I forgot about that BMW commercial they were showing at the movies last year where they pour paint all over a BMW’s tires and then some jackass pulls donuts on a big piece of paper and it’s supposed to be artistic. That was my favorite thing to hold in contempt last year –

10:42 Commercial for a scary new tv show called “Happy Town,” on ABC. “Don’t let the name fool you.”

10:42 Cindy Crawford’s making blankets!

10:41 Do I need to finally learn the difference bewteen 3G and 4G and all that network stuff? I have a 2003 Verizon phone that you can’t do anything on, so I guess not.

10:40 Is anyone in Hollywood still alive?

10:40 “I coulda been a contender!” –he died too. SO MUCH DEATH

10:40 The guy who wrote Mr. Magoo is dead.

10:39 Jack Cardiff, a cinematographer, is dead.

10:39 Dom Deluise died.

10:38 it’s that Beatles song they sang on the last episode of Family Ties

10:38 Tribute time … whuh-oh, James Taylor is gonna sing a song to honor the dead of Hollywood

10:38 The incomparable Demi Moore is here to show us who died

10:37 You do get the sense that Hollywood is expecting James Cameron’s technical geegawry to save them all …

10:36 Avatar wins for best cinematography! I thought they didn’t use cameras in that movie or something? Or didn’t use film? (? Something technical like that?)

10:35 Cinematography: Avatar / Harry Potter / Hurt Locker / Ingl. Basterds / White Ribbon(!?!)

10:34 We’re back at the Oscars! Hollywood’s night to shine … here comes Sandra Bullock as introduced by smarmy white-head Steve Martin … “Boo-hoo, Sandra Bullock doesn’t contribute to Shouts & Murmurs so I can be snarky about her”

10:33 Oh snap, that british chef is about to make everybody get skinny and eat vegetables? DO THIS

10:32 “Choose Celibacy, Not Yaz.” That’s my new motto to all ladies.

10:32 Are you kidding me, they really made a birth-control pill called “Yaz?” Hoo boy.

10:31 This commercial is about throwing away your Coke and then somebody else drinks it because it’s liquid garbage

10:30 Coming up: Sandra Bullock and the hottest dance troupe on TV

10:29 Am I the only one who literally could not bring himself to see this movie because of Brad Pitt’s voice?

10:29 John Travolta is about to describe Ingloirous Bedheads …

10:28 The lady from 40 Year Old Virgin is about to announce some technical awards …

10:26 Whoa whoa slow down they already got another list of nominees going … what award is this? I check Ebert’s twitter feed for ten seconds and now I’m lost … the Hurt Locker just won AGAIN, the guy is giving back-to-back speeches!!! That is fuckin soooo bad-ass. This must be another sound-related award: Ah, Sound Mixing award! “This is the crowning achievement of my career” — classiest thing to say during your Oscars acceptance speech

10:24 best sound noms: Avatar/hurt locker/inglor. basterds/SOMETHING I MISSED/ Up … winner is HURT LOCKER (movie about the guys who opened Baghdad’s first Foot Locker)

10:23 You gotta be kidding me, with this documentary about sound-editing. They really record all those new sounds and then mix them together to make one sound-track to an action sequence? No wonder movies cost a trillion dollars to make

10:22 Too beautiful kids … don’t know their names … here comes Morgan Freeman doing a voice-over about sound-editing and mixing (”Why don’t you mix my voice into every single thing currently being broadcast on television?”) (my little joke)

10:20 Kill Everyone with your Chainsaw … the Dolls are Alive … Dreaming of Murder … Blood and Gore Will Cleanse Your Soul … The Baby is Satan … I break your feet … eat a rat for dinner … big-ass freaky ears and eyes … Frankenstein wants a kiss … the Headless Horseman rides again … Alfred Hitchock’s “Too Many Birds” … screaming and yelling … people staring at each other …long hallways with kids in ‘em … I see dead people … bloody monsters that you have to kiss … blood coming out of elevators … rats and mucus … mouths and teeth … AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS HORROR

10:19 Everyone Must Die in a Maestrom of Terror and Violence …

10:19 The Oscars Tribute to Horror …

10:14 Hyundai goes deep: “If you could drive any car you wanted, would you choose yours?” aka “Sometimes when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you”

10:13 iPad commercial … it looks like a big iPhone that you put in your lap. Hip rock music in this commercial … guess it’s time for me to buy an iPad (LOL)

10:12 Charleze Theron describes Oscar-nominated PRECIOUS … film clips to follow …

10:11 Snap, “I already have two of these (Oscars)” and then she dedicates it to “All the little schlubs who don’t get to design costumes for movies about dead queens”

10:10 The Young Victoria! Hoo boy, this lady brought her A-game, vis-a-vis “Lemme wear something freaky to the Oscars”

10:10 Nominees are: Bright Star (saw this with my dad) / Coco is Chanel(?) / Imagnarium of Dr. Doom / Nine the Musical by Precious / Young Victoria … winner is …

10:09 Tom Ford (fashion marketer) and Sarah jessica Parker (from Sex my City) are here to present the award for CRAZIEST COSTUME IN A MOVIE

10:08 Steve Martin makin’ ‘em laugh in that horrible way that happens sometimes

10:07 Okay, lemme hear what these nerds have to say “Jim Cameron, this Oscar sees you” — was the production of Avatar a cult, or something? What’s up with these people? Now we got this one guy talking about how his doctor thought he would die??? What the heck is going on with the super-intense acceptance speeches tonight?

10:06 Winner is: AVATAR, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA IN 3-D for best art direction

10:05 SIgourney Weaver is here, wearing a red dress with only one shoulder on it … she has style and finesse, if you ask me … Nominees for best Art Direction in a Movie: Avatar / Imaginarium of Dr. Something-or-other / Nine, the Musical / Sherlock Holmes (as in “Holmes, I hope you didn’t see that Sherlock movie”) / and one othe rmovie I didn’t catch

10:05 Oh, it was a Dancing with the Stars commercial

10:04 Sometimes I can’t even tell what a commercial is trying to tell me

10:03 Hippest JC Penney commercial ever

10:02 Coming up: A salute to horror films? Sounds good to me!

10:02 Now they’re summarizing An Education, the movie about the love affair in England

12:03 See you next time … at the OSCARS!

12:02 I guess that’s it. We thank all the Hollywood stars for helping us escape the fact that life is an inexorable march towards spiritual ruin and the grave.

12:01 Steve Martin won’t let go of Bigelow’s Oscar. Leave her alone!

11:59 Well, I guess I was wrong about Hurt Locker not winning. Tom Hanks just stomped all over my theory. Hurt Locker wins the night … they own Hollywood tonight … they are the future … Katherine Bigelow is stunned …

11:58 Whoa, goddamn, he didn’t waste NO KIND OF TIME with that. Hurt Locker wins best picture

11:58 Tom Hanks is on the stage, to present an award for “Best Ten Pictures.”

11:57 Does this mean Hurt Locker wins best picture? I’m not so sure … I think we might see a little surprise in the next few minutes …

11:56 She’s a director but she looks like a movie star! She’s stoked. She’s really stoked, I bet.

11:55 BIGELOW wins best director. First woman to ever win a best director award, according to the news

11:54 Really hoping Reitman doesn’t win

11:52 Best Director award is here at last! James Cameron (Avatar) / Katherine Bigelow (Hurt Locker) / Quentin Tarantino (Bastards) / Lee Daniels (Precious) / Jason Reitman (Up in the Air) …

11:52 Here comes “Babs,” the famous Barbra Streisand, to present an award or make an announcement or something

11:50 Isn’t it about some rich lady who saves some poor kid and makes him play football all the time for her personal gain? “Moms that take care of babies and children no matter where they come from”– her summary of the film. Oh shit, something deep is happening … she’s talking about some mother-figure from her past … the lady who taught her there’s “no race, no class system” … she LIED to you, Sandra!

11:49 Do I need to see this “Blind Side” movie? It looked offensive and stupid to me.

11:48 Huh

11:48 WInner is: WTF SANDRA BULLOCK WTF WTF???

11:47 Sean Penn, Hollywood’s bad boy, is here to present the nomination for Best Women in Hollywood … I have no idea who’s winning this one (probably Streep, though, right?) …

11:45 Stanley Tucci on Meryl Streep. Look, I love Streep hard-core. Nobody conveys pleasure better than her. (Did you see in It’s Complicated, when she toked a joint and got high? It was so good.) But she doesn’t need this Oscar …

11:42 Peter Sarsgaard re: Kerry Mulligan from An Education … she looks a little too waif-y for me … did you see that Vanity Fair cover of all the “hot young hollywood starlets?” It looked like a goth-girl anorexia poster … okay, here’s the big-guns: Oprah Winfrey talking about the girl from Precious … whoa, why did Oprah call it “our movie Precious?” I thought she only came on as producer after the movie was finished? Does a producer get to drop an “our” for a movie after the fact? Hmm, I better call my Hollywood friend (Brad Pitt) and ask him …

11:40 Here come a bunch of stars to tell us about the actresses … get ready … first up? (They’re playing “Moon River,” one of my favorite melodies) … Okay, here’s Forrest Whittaker (sp) talking about Sandra Bullock … dude if Sandra wins this, we have a Code-Red upset on hour hands … somethign sounds weird on my television, like there’s a helicopter in the auditorium … okay, here’s some British dude talking about Helen Mirren, one of the sexiest ladies on earth, with no question … umm, and by the way, if you’ve never checked Helen Mirren’s twitter account, you should do that, esp. the first tweets, it couldn’t be cuter …

11:39 BEST ACTRESS montage … all the great women of Hollywood in one place … so much talent, so much star power …

11:35 Jeff Bridges is winning right now. He is winning. he is the best. I am on the other side now. He is the greatest. Give him every award in the world. Just please keep talking, Jeff Bridges! WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM STOP TALKING

11:34 Oh dude, Jeff Bridges is verrrrrry high on drugs. Could it be the drugs of victory? Or did he smoke a fat bong right before the award was announced? Or maybe he’s just a spacey-west-coast dude, and this is how he acts all the time??? OH DUDE, I JUST STARTED FEELING HIM REALLLLLY HARD … please Jeff Bridges, please please come to my next party and stand around telling me how awesome everyone is!!!

11:33 Jeff Bridges gets a standing O! He’s acting buzzed. Is he a doper? I bet he is. Acting: “A groovy profession.” Yeah, that means he smokes mary-jah-wonnah. Take your hand out of your pocket, though, brah. It looks like you don’t really care. Though, again, that could be the marijuana in his bloodstream.

11:32 And the winner is …Jeff Bridges for “Crazy Hard: A Country Porno”

11:31 Kate Winslet, now, to present the award for Best Man in Hollywood …

11:30 Colin Farrell is talking up the guy from Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner (sp)? You know what? I hope this Renner guy wins the award. Shit, I was feeling him in 28 Weeks Later, let alone Hurt Locker!

11:29 Tim Robbins talking about Morgan Freeman. Funny story that makes us all laugh … “Just guys, doing their thing.” … Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela is Oscar-bait to the 100th power, but is it enough?

11:27 Now Julienne Moore is talkign about Colin Firth and his performance in “A Single Man.” She loves him. All these actresses who are talking about their male costars are in love with them. Or is it that they’re such good actresses, they merely ACT as though they’re in love with ‘em? Am I being hornswoggled?

11:26 Now Verma Fermiglia is talking about George Clooney. They were in a movie together called “Up in the Air,” about a man who lives in an airport and kisses all the ladies … Serious question: Is George Clooney a good actor? I would like to ask a professional actor about whether George Clooney is a good actor. Damn, now she’s loving on George pretty hardcore.

11:24 behold this phalanx of unstoppable movie stars, here to present an award (I think)– Michelle Pfeiffer, telling a story about Jeff Bridges. She really likes Jeff Bridges and I think maybe they must have slept together once b/c she’s looking at him with deep affection and talking about his beautiful daughters and his strong marriage … it’s killing her, that she couldn’t have his heart …

11:23 Best actor montage … here are the greatest male performances of the year … if you have a problem with it, go to acting school and try to get your ass in a movie and win an award, that’s all I have to say

11:19 Kathy Bates just bit her tongue and talked up Avatar, the famous movie that cost all the money in the world and then made all the money in the world

11:18 Why is Alec Baldwin playing straight man to Steve Martin? That must be why he seems unhappy/bored.

11:17 LOL, I see that I typed it below as “The Secret in their Ears.” For the record, it’s “The Secret in Their Eyes.” You can’t have a secret in an ear.

11:16 WINNER IS THE SECRET IN THEIR EYES!!!! WTF, big-time! never heard of this movie in my life!!!

11:15 Nominees: (Missed the first one) / Milk of Sorrow / A Prophet (dude I am stoked to see this one, I heard it’s bad-ass) / The Secret in their Ears (special award for “Most Movie-Title Title Ever”) / White Ribbon by Ol’ Dirty Haneke

11:15 Best foreign language film with Pedro ALamxador and Quentin Tarantino…

11:14 Is Alec Baldwin happy to be here, or not? He seems pretty bored.

11:13 I think I burned my mouth on the rice and beans … could it be the heat being generated by all the Hollywood star power? …

11:12 Skechers advertisement about those shoes that have rocking chairs on the bottom so you can get in shape just by walking around

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. I’m working in the wine shop for the next TWO HOURS …

5:00 - 7:00 PM EST

Come on in and buy a bunch of wine and maybe you’ll get mentioned on this web blog!

Can you believe it? Welcome to Web Site Week.

Okay, things are looking good: A nice clean shop, with plenty of lights so you can see every single bottle of wine; nice music on the radio (Spanish classical guitar music, one of the best kinds of music for buying wine); and I even have a new haircut! (Thanks to my new barber, blog reader VV.)

Could there be a better time for me to sell you some wine? I don’t see how.

Let’s do this! After all, you love to buy wine, and I love to sell wine. Come, my lovely, shall we dance???

I just had three customers in a row. It’s burnin’ in here!

White wine and red wine, what can I say?

Just sold a bottle of chilled Brut (it’s like champagne). Yeah, we got a wine refrigerator. You got a problem with that? Yeah? Talk to the wine.

I call him “Five-Bottle Charlie.” He’s the guy I just met … he walked into the store … full of life, full of enthusiasm … he asked me some questions about wine … he doesn’t like fruity wines, and guess what, neither do I … we chatted about wine … I suggested a certain organic red table wine from California that sells well in spite of its gnarly label … and then he bought five bottles of wine.

IT’S OFF THE HOOK IN HERE RIGHT NOW

For those in the know, this will bring you great joy. This is how we do.

Sorry, had to drop a “Marty Peretz blog-title bomb”– that’s how passionate I am about classic WRAL news promos.

Finally, I can live-blog one of my favorite cultural phenomena: Watching high-school friend (and blog reader) MH watch television … GET READY … he’s picked what show he’s gonna watch …

11:58 By the way, MH is totally asleep. He will never understand what I just saw. MANDY PETEPKIN IS CRYING WATCHING THE KID PLAY HIS CELLO AFTER HIS MOM DID AN ELECTRIC CHAIR HUMAN SACRIFICE THAT ALLOWED– forget it. “Guess you had to be there.” Okay, that’s all for tonight. See you later on the internet.

11:57 I did not know things like this episode of “Criminal Minds” were capable of being produced and broadcast on human television. My mind has a tummy-ache and my tears are hallucinating.

11:56 Pertomkin is still lookin’ more gobsmacked than a muhr-fahr … say what? She’s gonna let an innocent lady get electrocuted just b/c she wants to? SHOW JUST GOT EVEN MORE BETTER AND CRAZY AND Wha Tha Fah!!!! Didn’t think it was possible … “America, how did we get so awesome?”

11:55 Detective versus Prison warden versus the cops??? Does it get any better than this??? By the way, MH is about to literally fall asleep … shows how much he knows about the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen on tv …

11:54 Mandy Potamdkin looks positively gobsmacked. That is the only word for what his face looks like right now

11:53 This lady is really about to get electrocuted in the electric chair for a crime she didn’t commit just so her son can play the cello???

11:52 Fuck it, I just flipped. I like this show. This is a fun show. Lots of interesting things that are non-reality-based happen on this show. “Criminal Minds,” recognize.

11:51 PM Madwoman Mother Vs. Psychic Detective Vs. Long-Lost Son Vs. Can-the-computer-lady-find-him-on-the-database-in-time

11:46 THis prison lets cops and detectives run around with no supervision and no gameplan. It seems unrealistic to me … then again, “WhaddaIknow?”

11:45 It’s coming down to the wire, which is appropriate, because “Criminal Minds” is as good as “The Wire.”

11:42 GOT IT, CASE SOLVED: She’s gonna take the electric chair to save her son (who was alive the whole time, aka NOT murdered) from her madman partner … wait! HOLD UP! Is the madman being played by the super-creepy assassin guy from “The Untouchables???” Gack. Double-gack with a cherry on top.

11:41 PM Does this happen often? The prison warden lets a death-row inmate just wander around in the parking lot 20 minutes before they’re due to die?

11:39 PM You know what, Mandy Petemcurd? You were a Broadway star. PROJECT YOUR VOICE SO WE CAN HEAR IT … you’re mumbling harder than “Mumbly McGillicutty,” the famous detective who nobody could hear …– WTF HUH? SOme weird acting going on and also some realllly weird camera work …. HUH did these cops just time-travel on my ass?

11:38 GODDAMN is this Dr. Scholl’s foot computer-thing for real? You go to a pharmacy and step on the foot-computer and tells you what the fuck is wrong with your foot? “America, where are we going?”

11:38 PM MH: “Fuck it, it’s on, I’m getting a Bowflex.” (Umm, in about two days you’ll be calling it your “Sadflex.”)

11:37 I just had to SERIOUSLY pop MH’s bubble re: bowflex, and whether it works.

11:36 PM Haven’t seen a Bowflex ad in a dog’s age … still looking strong …

11:35 The computer-generated hotel on this Hotwire.com ad looks like a fun place to chill in.

11:34 MH: “Stop being so cryptic, you damn cryptic-ass couple” (re: Mandy Putuponkin and the Madwoman)

11:34 Mandy Perturbedcan.

11:33 PM They’re about to execute the madwoman and only Mandy Purtamken can save her … he’s inside her cell right now while she eats her last meal … the other cop is talking to the other crazy murderer … the actors are having what I call an “Out-intensity-off,” where they try to out-intensely-act each other …

11:31 PM “Criminal Minds” Commercial Quiz: Anybody try Xenadrine Ultra? Does it work? If so, what does it do?

11:30 PM That commercial we just watched was weird. it was about fake medicare or something

11:28 PM They just found a skull under a gazebo.

11:27 PM HOW DID THE CONDEMNED MADMAN WIN THE POKER GAME? Oh wait, but then he just got outsmarted by “ultimate bad-ass cop” aka “Mr. Dark Eyebrows Who Never Smiles” (that would be his Indian name)

11:24 PM Mandy Pertenkin is trying to get inside the mind of a madwoman … the mind of a murderer … and his co-workers are simultaneously trying to get inside the mind of a madman (who somehow lives in the same jail as the madwoman?) … too many people are trying to get inside too many minds of madmen and madwomen, that’s what I think the problem is right now … now Mandy Pertpumpkin is arching his eyebrows like the world’s biggest genius– did he crack the case???

11:23 PM Yahama DX-7 is OWNING this soundtrack … “Set piano sample to ‘moody batwings’ … ACTIVATE”

11:23 PM I’m fuckin’ pissed that MH stopped eating the peanuts so quickly, b/c I was living vicariously through him.

11:22 PM Criminal Minds is getting very realistic and good right now … did David Simon produce this show “Criminal Minds”? I only ask because of its high quality …

11:17 PM LOL, MH just told me about “Vaguebooking,” where you give a vague status update on their Facebook. He made some verrrrry humorous fake examples… it was 50,000 times more entertaining than this show “Criminal Ass-Suckers” oh, whoops “Criminal Minds” … hold up, we’re watching a catheter ad right now. Never seen one before … “The Liberator,” that’s the name of the catheter.

11:15 PM I’m calling it: This show sucks ass.

11:12 PM Goddamn, I think the budget for this show must be about a haypenny … maybe a quarter-farthing … or maybe a wooden nickel … basically, whatever the cheapest-ass coin of all time is– because this prison looks like you could break out of it in about 9.2 seconds … “Chain-link fence jail alert” …

11:12 PM Is the batty old lady in the sweater-vest drinking Smirnoff out of a coffee cup in the middle of the day supposed to be an alcoholic?

11:10 PM Lemme explain why I just dropped a “GACK” in the previous post: Some lady detective just looked at some old-ass ramshackle shack and did like X-ray-into-the-past vision and saw what the house used to look like AND THEY SHOWED IT ON TV, WHAT IT MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE

11:08 PM GACK THIS SHOW WENT INTO PSYCHIC-CGI MODE … is that lady a ghost whisperer or something??? America, what’s happened to us??? How did our shows get so awesome? Also, this show is some channel I’ve never seen before called “ion.” Say what? Are you a tv channel or a vitamin supplement, yo?

11:07 PM The famous Broadway singer Mandy Potemkin (sp) is on this show! He’s like the head psychologist or something! Interesting fact: In real life, Mandy Potemkin has no backside …

11:04 PM whoa whoa hold up how did MH just put away that can of peanuts after eating only three handfuls? Look at Mr. Self-Control over here, whassamatta, you don’t like my peanuts? FREE PEANUTS FOR EVERYONE WHO LOVE PEANUTS, JUST LIVEBLOG US AND WE’LL GIVE YOU THE PEANUTS

11:02 PM Now we’re watching a show called “Criminal Minds” … this is one of those shows where, if you listen to the background music for 5 seconds, you learn everything you need to know about the show, FOREVER … looks to be about a team of behavioral-analysis super-cops(?) … maybe they get inside the “Criminal’s Mind,” which is almost like the title of the show: “Criminal Minds” …

11:00 PM We canceled our cable a few months ago … only get the networks channels now … MH: “This is a dire situation” … he’s used to having free rein over million of cable channels … it’s how he can watch Law & Order forty-two times per day …

10:59 This show is gonna crash and burn, that’s my prediction … then again, I thought Avatar would win everything Sunday night, and it didn’t, so what do I know? Well, if you must ask, I know one thing, which is that if you open a can of Aunt Ruby’s Peanuts, you’re in for a world of peanuts-in-your-mouth-puttin’-em-quick-ing …

10:58 I gave blog reader SA a can of Aunt Ruby’s peanuts tonight and by the time I drove home and walked in the house there was already a message on my machine from him about how amazing the peanuts were …

10:56 MH isn’t eating as many peanuts as I would’ve thought … I myself have killed three cans in four days … which is why I’m giving away cans to friends and family … (My folks sent me some cans after we got slammed with snow and I had to do some hard-core shoveling) …

10:55 The guy from Six Feet Under is sad because his kid was just diagnosed with Asperger’s (sp) Syndrome … it’ll be okay, dude … remember how much harder your life sucked when you would hallucinate about your dead undertaker father? And your girlfriend was going crazy and doing unseemly things with her massage clients?

10:53 PM Also, MH likes reality shows: He was telling me about a documentary or a show or something he watched about a UPS shipping facility that basically was the best thing he ever saw — WAIT LOOK A PROMO FOR “MINUTE TO WIN IT,” the new show starring my arch nemesis Guy “Taking All My Fantasy Jobs” Fieri …

10:52 PM MH, on PARENTHOOD: “I’ve never seen people so happy.”

10:51 PM Whoa, one of the characters is smoking pot! Mari-jer-huana alert! I didn’t know you could smoke dope on a TV show … what’s happening to us, America? … look at how all the actors talk over each other … it’s naturlistic …

10:49 PM Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls, one of our top ten shows of all time, the immortal first seasons shall never be duplicated … now she’s on this show PARENTHOOD …. MH: “God, I’ll watch anything” …

10:47 PM I’m in liveblog heaven … I’ve always been obsessed with MH’s television watching habits … he loves Law & Order … he owns a Law & Order coffee mug, and once we wrote and recorded a song about Law & Order (lyrics: “There’s a new law / moving through the land / it’s bringing order, law’s right-hand man …”) … Now on this show we’re watching, called PARENTHOOD, there’s an awkward moment where one character calls out another character for not working, but she’s still bidding on some hot bachelor or something … basically, MH called it, like: “Uh-oh!”

10:46 PM Earlier tonight MH showed me American Idol, the singing show which I’d never watched before. What a show!

10:44 PM Buddy MH is currently holding it down with a glass of Coca-Cola and an ice-cold handful of Aunt Ruby’s peanuts (NC peanuts; best on earth) … he’s watching PARENTHOOD, the amazing new drama you saw one preview for during the Olympics … goddamn he’s just basically chillin’ soooo hard right now …

12:06 AM I think this Montel Williams juicer infomercial is what LSD must be like.

I just transferred 40,000+ emails from a desktop computer to a laptop computer using a 500 MB USB flash drive-thing. It took all day. Then I went into some directory on my hard drive and futzed with something I shouldn’t have futzed with and I just lost all the email people have sent me in the last month.

If you sent me an email in the last 30 days, I don’t have it. I’m really sorry. There were some important emails which now I am scrambling to remember before my mind goes blank.

All this to say, if you sent me a nice email message of a personal (or liveblog-feedbackery) nature, it is GONE. Please excuse the fact that I cannot reply to it, and send it again.

Why oh why didn’t I liveblog transferring all my emails from one computer to another yesterday? It would’ve been riveting:

1:24 PM Oh I remember this email from that one guy. Now it’s on my desktop computer …. NOW IT’S ON MY LAPTOP

America, I have heard your prayers. I’ll be selling wine and liveblogging about it tomorrow (Friday) from 4:00 - 7:00 PM EST.

Get ready to buy wine and read about yourself on the internet. Yes, it’s the future, just relax and enjoy it.

Thanks.

PS: Saw “Daybreakers” (futuristic zombie-vampire movie in which everyone has turned into vampires and humans are harvested for blood and they hit a “peak oil”-type of situation with human blood and scramble to synthesize a human-blood substitute and rich people drink blood out of big wine glasses and Willem Dafoe fails to act his way out of a paper bag) at the $2 theatre last night. My verdict? 2.5 bite-marks.

PPS: You should see what highschool chum and #1 fan MH is drawing in my kitchen. Holy Toledo! I will try to take an illegal photo of it and post it … (Yes, I am running a five-day micro-Yaddo for my artist friend.)

I’m rummaging through my old desktop computer and I keep stumbling upon treasures:

Look at this incredible drawing I made!

Here’s another treasure I stumbled upon while taking a stroll through my computer’s hard drive. At some point I wanted to make a web site called “Bloody Yet Whimsical Cartoons About Punks”:

I figured if I made enough masterpieces like this one, eventually the New Yorker would publish me.

By the way, should I try to get hired as a professional giraffe-drawer? Because I truly drew the shit out of that giraffe. Can you believe I didn’t even use a live model??? I did it from memory (I have a photographic memory).

This is from 2005:

I figured, the New Yorker likes funny cartoons about bums and homeless people; I like punk rockers; everybody likes Merlot … therefore, this cartoon will satisfy everyone and I will become a famous New Yorker cartoonist.

Why did I abandon this project?

Guess where I am? Here’s a hint: “Tannins.”

Oh snap they just changed the music in the store to a new Pandora station, and guess what song it is? A classic: “Closer I Am To Fine” (or, “Closer! I Am Too Fine”) by the Gilmore Girls.

LET’S DO THIS — YOU LOVE WINE I LOVE WINE — COME ON IN LET’S MAKE MAGIC
 

Gamay is one of the best kind of wines. It’s a red wine. They’re pouring a nice Gamay this evening. It came all the way from France to make you happy. I like Gamays. It’s light, almost like white wine, but it’s red. Amazing how that wine-stuff works.

On the way over to the shop, I was listening to “Why” by Jadakiss. He asks a lot of questions in that song!

The Bangles came on the wine shop’s radio — “Eternal Flame” — and I sang along for a few seconds.

Then I sold 7 bottles of wine in like one minute (not kidding).

“It’s amazing, the things they can do with wine.”

Just sold some wine.

“And that’s the news, folks.”

DRINK THAT WINE

Oh man it got busy there for a sec … didn’t even have time to talk to you on my liveblog. Now I’ve finally got a spare moment to say HELLO and GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND BUY SOME OF THIS FINE WINE I’M SELLING

Just overheard a conversation about food. One of our customers has chard in the fridge. “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Dude they’re letting me drink a glass of wine WHILE I WORK THE CASH REGISTER … aka “COME GET YOUR FREE MONEY” … just kidding, I’m a total pro on the ol’ “Cash-Reg” in fact I’m known in certain circles as “Cash-money Reggie,” because that kinda sounds like “Cash Register,” the machine I’m working while I drink this nice Italian red wine.

Now the truth can be told … last week I ran a micro-Yaddo (artist’s colony in an abandoned castle?) out of my house.

When blog reader and Cannonball Press co-founder Mike Houston needed a temporary studio in which make a big-ass drawing of a man-of-war ship that is also a pipe organ, there was only one choice that made sense …

Needless to say, CASA MNFTIU was able to provide the open space, natural light, gigantic drafting table, and weird home-cooked whole-wheat cornbread that the discerning visual artist requires for maximal productivity.

Wait until you see this drawing in the huge filigreed golden frame Mike has ordered for it. You’re gonna have a total OMG.

MNFTIU Micro Yaddo = 1, Haters = 0.

Text your answer to AT&T: 230962 / “Paddy’s Day Fight”
VS.

St. Patrick’s Day and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I do for you?” The horse says, “I’d like a pint of hay.” The bartender gives the horse a pint of hay. Then the bartender turns to St. Patrick’s Day and says, “What would you like?” and then St. Patrick’s Day says, “I’d like everyone to get drunk!!!”

What did the leprechaun say to the ghost? “Shiver me timbers!” (Say in Irish accent)

What kind of car does St. Patrick drive? A Prius … because it’s “green.”

How can you tell if a leprechaun is sad? He turns from green to blue.

Why do Irish people come to our country and steal our jobs? Because they love our GREEN money.

O’Connor and O’Guinness are walking down a country lane when they see O’Donnell sitting on a stone with a tear in his eye. “Why are ye weeping then, O’Donnell?” asks O’Connor. “Alas, my heart is broken, O’Connor,” replies O’Donnell. “And why is ye heart broken, O’Donnell?” asks O’Guinness. O’Donnell sobs and says, “Because a leprechaun gave me a social disease.”

Why is St. Patrick’s Day like the band Green Day? BECAUSE THEY BOTH SUCK. (Just kidding … they’re both great.)

What’s the difference between a leprechaun and a goat? One has a pot of gold and the other eats old tin cans.

What’s the best thing to drink on St. Patrick’s Day? Bud Light, because it has the best St. Patrick’s Day banners and because it tastes great.

What did famous Irish comedian Yakov O’Smirnoff say when he fell into a huge vat of Guinness? “In Ireland, Guinness drinks YOU.“

A friendship forged in fire … and still burning strong.

Bill would reduce deficits by $130B over 10 years. How about we pass it?

I hope this spirals out of control as quickly as possible.

Bill O’Reilly at the Radio & Television Correspondents Association Dinner:

(From here.)

CNN’s Dana Bash and comedienne Kathy Griffin at the RTCA dinner.

(From here.)

Fox News Channel host Geraldo Rivera with wife Erica Levy at the RTCA dinner.

(From here.)

Look at these tea-party dudes yelling at the guy with Parkinson’s. If health-care reform passes, they will be SO UNHAPPY. And that will put a spring in my step!

Ha.

From reader DS:

I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to handle Boehner’s speech, so I picked up my electric guitar and started playing as loud as I could, in an effort to block out his creepy Early 60’s TV Character aura. But when he started reaching the “Hell, No!” fever pitch, it was inspirational. I’ve never shredded so hard in my life. So thank you, Mr. Boehner. Thank you.

Speaking of shredding, did you guys see this video of Limbaugh cheering on grandstanding Republican obstructionists?

President Barack Obama and Jon Favreau, head speechwriter, edit a speech on health care in the Oval Office, Sept. 9, 2009, in preparation for the president’s address to a joint session of Congress. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

Next week will be the MNFTIU spring fundraiser! Basically, it’ll work like this: I’ll put a PayPal link at the bottom of a post, and if you feel moved by the spirit of generosity, you’ll click the button to donate money. The money will be used to pay web hosting bills and buy wine and all that stuff.

If you give a certain amount of money, you’ll get a customized animated gif … remember like we did last year:

WELCOME TO THE MNFTIU HIGH-ROLLERS’ CLUB, THE MOST EXCLUSIVE ONLINE CLUB.

=================
You can practice here:

THANK YOU

I’m in the wine store for the next 2.5 hours. Let’s make this happen. Reds and whites, I got ‘em both! ==============WINE==============WINE SALES /////////////// bottle of wine / fruit of the vine / —————- FREESTYLE WINE computer typing art ++++++++++++++

People sometimes bring their dogs into the wine store. I’m not much of “a dog person,” so initially I was freaked out. But the owners are animal-friendly, so I learned to be polite to dogs. Usually the dogs look out the window while their owners shop for wine.

And that’s just a little taste of what life is like when you work at a wine store.

Here’s a nice bottle of Malbec:

O
||
/ \
| |
| |
| |
___

Damn, can you taste it? It tastes so good, it makes you go like this:

: - )

Wine store ======== bottles of red wine /////SUN WARMS THE WINE

MOON CHILD WINE WHITE WINE FROM THE MOON ———–> )

sliver of moon ))))))))))))))) moon flies through space towards a wine-bottle SPACE SHIP////

+!+!+!+!+!+!++!+!+!+WINE!+!+!+!+!+!++!!+!+!+!

this looks like a plaid pattern from Scotland+!+!+!+!+!+!+

+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!

!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!

Scottish wines ……………………….//////>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?

Yep … another bottle down the hatch … cash register ringing like the bells of Old St. Mary’s Parish in Brightford-Upon-Heretoforshire …

Can I just say? England is fascinating. It’s like America, yet ever so slightly different. A good example is how they have a band called Rolling Stones, and we have a beer called Rolling Rock. Weird, right? But I think God loves both of our countries.

Cool.

Okay, I’ll talk to you soon on my blog.

I think I’m about to sell a bottle of tequila.

I have a new man-crush! This guy is my new hero …

Dr Grigori Perelman, a reclusive Russian genius, is refusing to accept the prestigious $1 million “Millennium” mathematics prize awarded by the Clay Mathematics Institute in Cambridge, MA.

Perelman was awarded the prize for solving the one-hundred-year-old Poincaré conjecture, one of the most complicated mathematical problems in the world ….

The 44-year-old Perelman currently resides with his mother and sister in his hometown of St. Petersberg, living extremely humbly. One neighbor told a Moscow newspaper, “He always wears the same tatty coat and trousers. He never cuts his nails or beard. When he walks he simply stares at the ground, rather than looking from side to side.”

Another neighbor told of a time she had visited Perelman’s apartment due to problems with cockroaches ….

After performing some teaching in American universities in 2003, Perelman has apparently given up on mathematics, dismayed at the intellectual and moral failings of his peers. Instead, according to reports, he likes to play table tennis against a wall in his apartment. “You are disturbing me. I am picking mushrooms,” he told a journalist who managed to get in touch with him.

C’mon: Is this for real? It reads like a “Balloon Boy” hoax for nerds. This guy combines the best features of Immanuel Kant (everyone in town recognizes him walking around like a freak), Ludwig Wittgenstein (“Even though I’m a super-genius I’m quitting academia because it’s just a bunch of sellouts”), Rain Man (“1001010100001, I’m a human computer y’all”), and the Unabomber (“Watch me play ping-pong by myself”). It seems too glorious and crazy to be true.

Also, look at that photo. When I first saw it, I thought, “This must be an article about the latest advances in prosthetic eyebrows.” Instead you’re telling me that’s a real guy, who really looks like that? It seems suspiciously perfect — the Platonic ideal of what you imagine a reclusive-Russian-mathematician-who-turns-down-million-dollar-checks would look like.

I hope and pray that this is all a stunt perpetuated by someone who wants a reality show because that would be a great reality show! I hope it’s called “Long Russian Fingernails.”

“You are disturbing me. I am picking mushrooms.” That’s my new catch phrase.

I’m relaunching Friday Face-Offs tomorrow. Get hyped!

To celebrate, here’s some freestyle computer-typing Friday Face-Offs art:

/////////FRIDAY/////////////
///////////FACE/////////////
///////////////OFFS////////
////////Happy Music///////
P+A+R+T+Y=FRIDAY!!!!!
////////////////////////////////////blades of grass/////////
//////////waving in breeze/////////////of music//////////
/////time to mow the grass//////////////////////////////
////find the BEST VIDEOS ========of the HOTTEST SONGS
FRi
day
face
offs……………….>>>>>>>>>>>

“You’ve tried the rest — now try the best!” It’s time for another installment of …

***FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!***

It’s been too long since we celebrated the end of the work week by watching a bunch of people performing versions of the same song. In other words, it’s been too long we since did …

***FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!***

It’s March Madness, ie basketball tournament time. Say, guys, why can’t there be a youtube-videos-of-people-singing-a-fun-song tournament? There can be! It’s called …

***FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!***

I guess what I’m trying to say is …

***FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!***

And also, one thing I wanted to mention was:

***FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!***

This week’s Friday Face-Off is “All These Things That I’ve Done” by the Killers. Watch the original here:

MNFTIU-heads will recall that I’ve liked this song for a while. A few weeks ago I sang it at karaoke. It’s a good karaoke song! Now it’s time to see if it’s a good Friday Face-Offs song … we’ll find out soon … because guess what …

Our first contestant is up next!

Friday Face-Offs!!!

(This makes you happy and it makes me happy and that’s why we do it.)

Oh hellll yeah … we’re setting it OFF in STYLE right about NOW.

First of all, flicking the string above the nut to approximate the piano that begins the Killers’ version is bad-ass. And he knows it, too. Because look at how he looks at you while he’s doing it.

“Yeah, I’m going plink-plink with my guitar. You know you want me.”

Now although this guy gets +100 points for style, we gotta deduct .05 points every time he screws up the singing … so let’s see … that means the total deduction is … (using my calculator, gimme a sec) … 3,502 points. (There’s a lot of weird prosody/phrasing in this song … I can’t tell you how many videos I watched where people flub the phrasing of ‘I’m so much older now than I can take.’ I had to practice a lot before karaoke. )

Then again, we have to add +5,000,000,000 points for 2:03 - 2:19 where he’s just owning that barred G-chord like nobody’s business.

You know what? Just watch the whole video. You’ll like it.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS

Hello! It’s me, Friday Face-Offs! Do you like the Killers? Do you like the professional wrestler Shawn Michaels, aka the Heartbreak Kid, aka HBK? Do you like amateur fan videos that are fifty times more kick-ass than anything you’d ever see on ESPN? If so, you’re about to be pretttttty sad …

Goddamn, whoever made this video must be like a tenured professor in Shawn Michaels studies, because every single lyric of the song is represented by a totally appropriate clip from the career of Shawn Michaels, aka Heartbreak Kid aka HBK. While watching this video it slowly it dawned on me: This is making me want to have sex with Shawn Michaels. This video is turning me gay for Shawn Michaels. I LOVE SHAWN MICHAELS, AKA HEARTBREAK KID, AKA YOU MIGHT KNOW HIM AS AKA HBK!

B/c damn is he owning the universe very hard at 1:09??? I saw that and I was like, “Wait — humans get to make faces like that?!? I thought only immortal gods in the sky got to make faces like that.”

I used to only like the Undertaker, but forget that. I’m in HBK’s crew now.

“HBK we’re makin’ that green / people always say what the hell does that mean? / H for the homies who can’t understand / how one country boy became the man / B for the way we bust and shout / one by one we knock y’all out / K for the way my dj’s cuttin’ / other wrestlers man you ain’t seen nothin’”
(Whoever gets that reference gets a bonus shout-out next week)

From the comments to this video:

“This is simply epic, such a great tribute. It really got to touch me.”

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! IT REALLY GOT TO TOUCH ME

The power chord heard ’round the world. It makes me LOL every time.

No shame in your game, fellas. I’M FEELING YOU. GUITARS RULE

Louder louder
always louder
musical keys are for punks
a chord is a chord is a chord
just crank it up
and have fun

I love how in the comments to this video, people are like, “Dude you’re in the wrong key — you’re totally playing in the wrong key, it sounds weird,” and the guitarist is like, “Yeah, I thought it sounded weird, I think it was the guitar; the tuners didn’t work. So I bought a new guitar.”

DUDE. I LOVE YOU BUT IT’S NOT THE GUITAR. TRUST ME.

“What are ya gonna do.”

That’s the poignancy and acoustic chaos you’ve come to expect from FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!!!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!

Are you in a bad mood? Watch this.

Sigh. See, this takes me back. For us, it was a cassette of the Cult’s “Electric” album. Remember cranking “Aphrodisiac Jacket”* and trying to rip the head rest off the passenger seat because it sounded so jamming in a lime-green Ford Escort??? Yeah. WE BRUNG IT. That’s some 1990 memories right there for all you whippersnappers …

Anyway, glad these dudes are keeping the flame alive … the flame of intra-automobile group headbanging, one of the greatest dance forms ever, when will Joan Acocella write about it?

*(aka “World’s Biggest Rip-Off of ‘White Room’ Ever Recorded How Did Rick Rubin Not Get The Pants Sued Off Him?”)

This performance is hypnotic. I think ol’ Jandek Jr. here is on to something. Also? It’s visually beautiful. It has a muted palette, like all webcam videos, but somehow the colors are perfect. How did that happen? Same with the composition: Big white head balanced by big dreadnought body.

This is what all modern art should look like.

Every so often you stumble on one of these home-made youtube videos where everything falls into place, and you’re like, “This works. This is so completely its own thing, so elegant … who cares if it’s accidental? You could put this up against anything by Bill Viola and it’d hold its own.”

This is a champion video, y’all! WATCH THIS!

Friday Face-Offs!

Baddest Motherfucker On The Planet Alert … Code Red … Turtle Edition …

Turtle = 1, Haters = 0.

By the way, does he remind you of anyone?

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS WE’RE LIKE THE ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI OF THE INTERNET
————————
Honorable 3rd Place Mention:

Drummer is burning.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! Two videos left …

Okay, basically this video isn’t a true 2nd place video … but there’s one element of this video that is pure champ. material … so it gets the bump to 2nd place … and that one amazing element is — well, let’s see if you can figure it out … pay attention to 3:24, 3:40, 3:58 (which is about when the cameraman wakes the fuck up and realizes where the real story lies) and (for a brief glorious flash) at 5:58 … and then maybe you wanna check out 6:37 …

Woo-hoo, so good! Are teenagers cooler than they used to be? That guy looks like he’s having fun in a way I don’t even think we had back when I was a teenager. He’s chillin’ soooo hard with his bass. He probably doesn’t even know he’s playing in front of the whole school at the big assembly … he’s like, “Another day, another chance to play my bass and groove to the music. It’s all good. Someday I’m gonna be a professional bass player and make a lot of money and travel all over the world. What time is it? It’s time to move my finger from this fret to that fret … here we go … hell yeah, I freakin’ nailed it. Ladies and gentlemen, I enjoy playing the bass.”

A guy like that has long coattails, y’know? This video just rode on some serious emo bass-player coattails. And I dare Republicans to try to obstruct this dude … he will crush Mitch McConnell like a bug.

Okay, we’re nearing the end of this week’s Friday Face-Offs! WINNING VIDEO IS NEXT

By the way, I just realized: This is the 20th Friday Face-Offs! Can you believe it? Twenty great face-offs in the history books … and yet it’s still the greatest thing to happen to the internet since sliced bread.

Not sure how to talk about this video. I think it’s a product of deep and abiding love. Just watch it. Watch him. Love him. Worry about him. (Video has an elegiac air that makes me nervous/sad.) Wish you knew him. Wonder how you can be more like him. Strategize about how to take the spirit of 0:05 and 0:11 and incorporate it into your life (without necessarily incorporating 0:28, maybe)…

Because goddamn, people, this guy looks incandescent. Check out 1:19 are you out of your mind with how AWESOME that looks? How are some folks able to make motions like that and they just break your heart with how gorgeous it is? Are you seriously telling me you’re not inventing a time machine to figure out how to go back in time so you can be at these parties with this guy? What about the scene when he’s at the beach???

ARRRGGGH FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! WE’RE BACK IN BUSINESS, PEOPLE

Have a great weekend.

Okay folks, this is going to be our biggest comedy show yet. Our goal is to make Beacon, NY the hottest comedy town in America.

Please come out for this night of hilarity. Charter a bus from New York City with your friends. Rent a limo and drive up from Westchester. Steal a helicopter and fly in from Texas. Use your teleportation ring and zap in from South Dakota.

Patrick Borelli is very funny. So is Sam Anderson. I’m not sure about this Count Andrew “Dice” Dracula guy, but my friends insist he’s funny. We’ll also have special guests and a brief charity auction and all sorts of fun stuff. Be there or be squashed.

I thought I had strep throat so I went to the doctor. They did a strep-throat test and it was negative. I was positively gobsmacked — for the love of God, if this wasn’t strep throat, what was? Turns out I have a sore throat.

Then on my way out of the doctor’s office, I heard “Let the Music Play,” by Shannon, one of my top favorite jams of all time.

And that’s what life is like for America’s favorite blogger, i.e. ME.

I’m listening to the song “In A Big Country” by the band Big Country and I’m really enjoying it. If you can, listen to it on a good stereo and pay attention to the bass.

I just noticed that it’s been raining non-stop for like 5 weeks. I’m not even kidding. My relationship with my sump pump has entered a more profound level of intimacy and trust.

Hell, I might as well list some other things I’ve noticed recently:

1. The Pope is a freak.
2. Whole-wheat cornbread tastes good if you let go of society’s prejudices about cornbread.
3. The best podcast in the world is “Philosophy Bites.”
4. It’s hard to motivate yourself to swim when the entire world is already sopping wet.
5. “Chicken Battle 2000″ is the greatest work of art ever. (More on this soon!)

“My Block” by Scarface is one of the greatest songs ever recorded.

It’s spring cleaning time, and I just found a manila envelope filled with junk from my elementary school days. Check out these two poems … I think I wrote them in 6th grade:

If you can’t read my handwriting, the poems are:

Cigarette.
Ugly and grotesque.
Puffing up pollution.
Why can’t you be replaced by gum.

Death.
Lonely and scary.
Drifting in to unsuspecting victims.
Must you be so sudden?

I guess the assignment was to write the most depressing poems possible, making sure that each poem ends with a question that speaks to the futility of existence?

“Why can’t you be replaced by gum.”

I also found a short story I wrote in which I am the 11-year-old President of the United States and I’m visited by an arms dealer who tries to sell me weapons and I just make wisecracks until he “looked at me as if he wanted to kill me.” Maybe I’ll serialize it later this week.

Apparently, in 6th grade or thereabouts, I wrote a short play called “DOOM DUST.”

Selection:

JARM: How can I get out (of the prison planet)?
ISK: There is a passage Hunngggghh!
JARM: The dust! Calm down!
ISK: Passage in a rock Akkglllk!
JARM: Don’t talk!
ISK: That rock there Hnmmkgkk!
JARM: Shut up!
ISK: Press the top and Eggklh! You will see an opening Vsstht!
JARM: Wait!!!!
Narrator: Reaching into his suit Jarm removes a tiny capsule.
JARM (Desperate): Eat this!!
Narrator: Isk does as he is told.
ISK: (Talking calmly): Go down the passageway from there you will warp back to 1983. Ahhhgllk!

Boy this UNC / URI game is a thing of beauty … did Michelangelo carve it?

When Polvo comes out of the extended bridge in “Lucia,” that’s pretty rocking. Digging the Allman Bros. vibe with those major-key hammer-ons.

And that’s your Firestone/Bridgestone Tires “Good Music Moment of the Day.”