The mayor of Newburgh is about to go on WNYC radio to make his case for moving the KSM trial to Newburgh!

Please, please, Heavenly Father, let this happen. I live right near Newburgh and I’ll live-blog the trial!

Nick Valentine: “I’m just a part-time mayor of a poor city on the Hudson River.”

LET’S DO THIS!

KSM, we ain’t skeered. We’ll bring you to justice Newburgh style! Why is New York City acting so punky about this? I don’t get it.

Are you kidding? We could try KSM at Adams Fairacre Farms on RTE 300! Dude, have you seen how big that grocery store is?

Newburgh has a brand-new courthouse. This is where they should try KSM:

BOOM. Justice Time!

Why is Schumer saying NO to trying KSM in New York state? Why act like such a baby? Are we still scared of this guy? Arggghhh

We could try him at the new Chili’s on Rte. 300. That place is big. And it’s right off I-84, which is convenient.

What about that weird abandoned restaurant (I think it’s called “Mom’s”) at the bottom of the hill when you turn off to go that mini-mall where the dollar store is? (Same exist where you pick up Rte. 300, I think.)

If they move the KSM trial to Newburgh, I’m starting to think the best place to try him would be that big dollar store in that one strip mall off Exit 10S(?). I go there every year to buy wrapping paper.

Guys, that place is huge. We could fit a bunch of journalists and security personnel in there. There’s lots of parking (for some reason, it’s one of those strip malls with like five shops and 500,000 parking spaces); good restaurants nearby (only a few minutes’ drive from all those fancy restaurants on the river); and it’s right off I-84.

But the real reason to try KSM in a dollar store is: BUSTED. He’ll be so ashamed! He’s probably hoping we try him in the biggest courtroom ever, or the sketchiest, most claustrophobic tribunal ever. Either way, he gets to be the big martyr-hero guy: “Ooh, look at what a bad-ass I am; look at where they’re holding my trial.”

But if we put his ass on trial in a dollar store? He’s hurting. That’s gotta be a harsh blow to the ego. A dollar store? Hell yeah. He’ll be like, “What is this? Some kind of special courtroom where you only try the toughest bad-asses?” And we’re like, “No, it’s a goddamn dollar store, you goof. Look, do you want a wack-ass, stinky-smelling spatula from China that’s like 3/4 the size of a normal spatula? I’ll buy it for you because it ONLY COSTS A DOLLAR.”

Let’s draft a petition and get this started!

Here’s the dollar store. This is where history will be made…

KSM… this is your worst nightmare!

BBC Radio is on the Newburgh train … I’m listening to it right now … let’s do this … “Trial of the Century” …

No mention of the dollar store yet … that’ll change soon …

ARGGGH why is County Executive Ed. Diana being such a punk??? “We can’t try them here; it’s too painful… I’ll block the roads …” C’mon dude, it’s called JUSTICE, let’s just DO IT.

Reader JR agrees with my post about trying KSM at the dollar store in Newburgh:

yeah, what is up with those tiny spatulas? sure, they’re a dollar, but they’re all small and smelly and shit.

You can’t stop a dollar-store spatula! KSM, get ready … you’re about to get SPATULATED.

Thanks to everyone who came to Saturday’s show at Open Space in Beacon. Sorry for those who couldn’t get in. We’ll give you priority seating at the next comedy show …

I told my friend JV about my campaign to bring the KSM trial to Newburgh and he said that if we ever team up to write a movie about the trial, it should be called “Judgment at Newburgh.”

Our movement to hold the KSM Terror Trial in Newburgh is picking up steam … check out this email from a journalist who works for a local Hudson river valley paper:

Just picked up on your blogging about Newburgh. I work at [PUBLICATION REDACTED] across the river. Thought you should know: the (Newburgh) courthouse would be a better location than the dollar store for the trial, mostly because two years ago they found a bunch of bones underneath it …

Okay, so now I’m torn. I’m still pushing for “Dollar-Store Justice,” but part of me does want to see KSM in the courthouse. Maybe we could just try his beard at the courthouse, and keep the rest of him at the dollar store? Any ideas?

Know hope. Know justice. Know bargains.

All terror trials $1 or less!

BREAKING … I never blog on the weekends, but this is an EMERGENCY … I’m in the wine shop! Repeat: I am in the wine shop!

It’s Valentine’s Day Weekend … get that wine!

We have three bottles open for tasting:

1. An Italian white wine called Fallegro! (It’s good, I tasted it!)

2. A Bordeaux called Marquis de Calon from France! (It’s good, I tasted it! In fact, it’s REALLY good! Don’t sleep on this wine!)

3. A dessert wine from Spain that is really good and guess what? “Y’all know me”: I drank it.

Three delicious wines, all perfect for Valentine’s Day … come buy some bottles for your LOVAH … and get those kisses that are comin’ to you.

The Olympics are underway in snowy Canada. The 2010 Vancouver Olympics will go down in history as the most entertaining Olympics that have ever been known. We wish success and blessings to all the athletes, even those who choose to compete against our nation.

Keeping up with the Olympics can be overwhelming. But if you take your time and pay attention, you can find the Olympics to be a rewarding experience in your life, creating memories for you to savor in your superannuated decrepitude.

Follow these tips:

1. Points and grades: Learn how to score Olympic events. Whether it’s a clock (used in a race), or a judge (used in figure-skate-dancing), or a grading scale (used in ski-racing), you won’t know who won if you don’t know how to interpret the various measurements. Learn them all.

2. Cars and trucks: The Winter Olympics are a great occasion to look at various cars and trucks that you don’t see in regular environments. Because there’s so much snow and ice at the Olympics, you’ll probably see vehicles outfitted with special snow-related-thing-a-ma-bobs, like snow tires and snow camouflage, etc. It’ll be great, when you’re looking at them on your TV and talking to your friends about them, like, “Did you see that one truck in the background with the funky windshield wipers? I bet those are for ice storms.”

3. Athletes. Learn the personal stories of all the athletes so you can give a shit when they win a medal or fall down or whatever.

4. Medal count. Which country is the best? Which country will dominate this new decade? There’s only one way to find out: How many medals they win at the Olympics. Take a big sheet of paper and write down the name of every country on earth and then make a grid and check off how many medals each country wins and then you’ll know who’s the best!

More tips soon …

Here’s a patented MNFTIU Olympics Data Point:

“Fastest Winter Vehicles”

1. Luge
2. Toboggan
3. Sled
4. Skis
5. Ice Skates
6. Snowboard
7. Snowshoes
8. Curling
9. Skillet Toss

Here are some of the best possible scores for ice skating:

1. 10.0
2. 9.7
3. 9.5
4. 9.0
5. 8.9
6. 8.6
7. 8.0
8. 7.5

Keep these in mind when you’re watching the Olympics!

8:49 PM Dude, unless they do ice-dancing or downhill skiing, I’m not trying to watch polar bears right now … put one on a snow board and crank up the Slipknot, then maybe I’d pay attention. Dude, what if we found out that polar bears’ favorite band was Slipknot? That would be trippy. (SLipknot is that band where they all wear scary masks, it’s kind of like Blue Man Group meets Limp Bizkit.) Another thing I thought of today was, if you like Monopoly but you hate the letter “O,” they should make a special version of that game for you called “Manapaly.” OMG live-blogging is INCREDIBLE … Now Bob Costas is talking about endangered polar bears: “THey wander around town? Cute and adorable as they are, you don’t want to cross their path.” No ladies and gentlemen, he’s not talking about the Kardashians, he’s talking about polar bears! LOL rimshot FTW Olympics up in the house!!! Uh-oh I think I just finished the merlot …

8:43 PM Bob Costas is interviewing some lady about Canada. Excuse me, I’m not trying to read WIkipedia, I’m trying to watch people mess around in the snow and win medals … BORRRRING …

8:42 PM There’s gonna be a show where famous people learn their ancestors were losers … on NBC … just saw the promo!!!

8:41 PM Absolutely not feeling this Olympics tie-in to some dumb Dreamworks CGI movie …

8:40 PM Bob Costas in the house! I didn’t know he was still broadcasting. Looks pretty old, LOL. Love this guy. Pocket square looks positively psychedelic.

8:39 PM Bode Miller wins Bronze. “I was pretty nervous this morning. That’s not unusual for me.” I feel you, brah.

8:38 PM IS THERE MORE THAN ONE MEN’S SKIING EVENT, I’M CONFUSED.

8:37 PM This wine is so good, I can’t even tell when I’m being sarcastic.

8:37 PM It’s amazing how TV commercials can tell an entire story in just a few seconds.

8:36 PM Loving this McDonald’s commercial. My mom would be mad crying right now … she loves commercials like this …

8:35 PM Defago wins the gold in men’s skiing.

8:34 PM WIPE-OUT … we have a wipe-out … RObby Dixon just fell down on his skis … our prayers go out to his family …

8:32 PM Oh no, Cuche (my new fave) couldn’t pull it off … 6th place … anyway I like him the best because he’s a little older than everyone and that’s how I feel sometimes … “Old men can still rock!” I’m gonna get that printed on a shirt.

8:30 PM Dudes we got an old man on the slopes … 35 years old … you know I’m rooting for this guy … his name is D. Cuche … RIP IT BRAH!!! “He learned the value of hard work … his family lived on a farm…” DO this, do this … “still very much in the mix …” C’mon dude, make that snow fly!!!

8:29 PM GOddamn I’m live-blogging the hell out of these Olympics!

8:28 PM Arrrgh when can we hold the Overratedbandolympics? Velvet Underground will sweep with 100 gold medals.

8:27 PM Lou Reed song in an AT&T commercial? When can we all admit that guy’s a total fraud?

8:26 PM This Stephen Vincent merlot is drinking really well. Not too fruity; perfect for the snow! (Hardcore mnftiu-headz know merlot is my gold-medal pick for the Wino-lympics.)

8:25 PM Defago just took the lead. Now he’s screaming and whooping like a maniac.

8:24 PM SNOW FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY

8:22 PM Now Didier Defago is skiing in the snow. He’s the guy in the red snowsuit.

8:21 PM The Olympics are going great!!!

8:18 PM Commercial live-blog: Looks like there’s gonna be a new Gilmore Girls or something? Huh.

8:15 PM Bodie for the gold in cop-car-window-kicking-out-ing:

One of the most exciting scenes of the entire Olympics. Goosebumps!

8:14 PM Bode Miller takes the lead in men’s downhill ski-racing!!!

8:12 PM Bode Miller is racing downhill on skis. Whenever the announcer says “Bode,” I imagine he’s talking about Bodie from the Wire.

9:14 PM Wait a minute: Is this all pre-recorded? Am I live-blogging a bunch of pre-recorded stuff? I thought this was live!!!

9:13 PM Goddamn, NBC just flashed so much figure-skating data on the screen, my head started hurting.

9:12 PM Thank god, figure skating. This is what I was waiting for.

9:10 PM Oh snap, Bob Costas just called out his outfit and his guest’s outfit! “We look like the glee club at a boarding school,” oh shit, he must be reading my live-blog … much love to you BOb Costas you always look great!

9:09 PM You gotta be kidding me, they’re doing a special report about tight finishes in the Olypmics, about how things are measured in 1/100ths of a second? WHo cares, man? “If you can’t measure it with a sundial, it’s bullshit,” that’s what I say … I think everyone who finishes within 10 seconds of each other should be considered a tie … Yeah, I said it: PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE OLYMPICS

9:07 PM Bob Costas is back … sitting at a desk this time … talking to some guy with wrinkles … he’s wearing a blazer with a vest … I like that style, actually. AND a tie. Very preppy look, but it works for this guy. Bob Costas’ pocket square is still jammin’ so hard …

9:06 PM STARS HOLLOW FOR LIFE

9:05 PM Not feeling this new Gilmore Girls rip-off starring Lauren Graham (sp) from original G.G. …

9:03 PM Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count: 3

9:02 PM Okay, this is the third Snowboard Cross race event in a row. I’m getting bored. (Or should I say, “board,” given that the event features boards?)

9:01 PM That Lou Reed commercial again! What in the world?

9:00 PM “How do you stop a killer who’s still in jail?” A thought-provoking question from a movie commercial I just saw.

8:59 PM They’ve got Morgan Freeman recounting classic Olympics moments, but his voice is such a cliche now, I can’t get excited. Plus he’s doing it for VISA, an evil financial-services company … THUMBS DOWN, MORGAN FREEMAN.

8:58 PM Oh shit they’re doing more Snowboard Cross racing! Helmet cam, are you kidding me? Will wonders never cease. I think the Russian is winning … okay they all just made a jump … this is like the quarterfinals or something, ANOTHER WIPE-OUT??? No, he recovered– thanks to his snowboard. Goddamn some dude just flew through the air like a maniac on his snowboard … photo finish … “too close to call” … people are yelling and cheering … first place goes to … waiting … waiting … where are the results … come on … who won the snowboard race? … waiting … “barely a quarter of a board-length…” the Austrians won the race … “an explosive semi-final!”

8:55 PM Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count so far: 2.

8:54 PM I thought this was called Snowboard, but it’s called “Snowboard Cross.” OMG it’s like a snowboard race with multiple dudes going all at the same time! … SOMEBODY FELL … our thoughts are with his feet and ankles … the snowboarders are flying through the air … one guy is way out front … I think he’s American … I get it: It’s like surfing, but with snow. I understand. Okay, two Americans were eliminated but two will advance in this event.

8:53 PM Whoa, they just put some statistics in an ice cube!

8:52 PM SNowboarding! This should be good … a hot new sport … I’ve never watched it before …

8:50 PM Why is California making a commercial about itself? Nobody’s trying to move to your broke-ass state that’s always on fire.

10:03 PM Hmm … is Canada going very buck-wild for their gold-medal winners, first ever Canadian gold medal winners when Canada is hosting the Olympics???

10:02 PM Okay, back to Bob Costas and his pocket square, who I am desperately trying to have “cyber-sex” with … does anyone know if twitter.com/costaspocketsquare is still active …

10:00 PM This skier is like, doing upside-down twirls and shit in honor of his brother …

9:59 PM Oh shit, get those hankies ready … a story about a Canadian skier whose brother has cerebral palsy and who inspires him … I love shit like this … Mom, if you’re reading this live-blog, you better mobilize for crazy amounts of tears and sniffles … “He’s got a wicked level of determination.” (Skier talking about his brother.) FEELING THIS …

9:57 PM That’s it, I’m definitely boycotting Morgan Freeman. Look, dude: You can make “the Bucket List,” or you can make VISA commercials, but you can’t make both.

9:56 PM Okay, let’s see what the judges give these guys, my new ice-skating heroes … (remember 10 is the best, 0 is the worst [I think]) … oh snap they just KILLED IT with a great score which I couldn’t understand … it was like 140 or something? (Isn’t a good score like 923 or something?) WAIT … Dude are you kidding me? Another commercial? I just finished watching the other commercials you showed me … Okay, here’s a commercial for “SHutter Island,” a new thriller from the mind of Martin Scorcese … it looks like a jail on an island with old people crawling around and Leonardo DiCaprio (sp) starts losing his mind … maybe I’ll see it when it opens at Fishkill Regal Cinemas, my favorite movie theatre …

9:49 PM They just did a triple-loop … we’re on some next-level ninja shit right now … Reverse Lassoo (sp) lift … one hand, one foot … “which makes it even more difficult” … music reaching a crescendo … feeling this … FEELING THIS … she’s upside-down … they’re spinning around … graceful … they’re looking into each other’s eyes … now they’re going really fast … now he’s lifting her up by her private parts … now it’s OVER!!!! CROWD GOES WILD!!!! FUCK YEAH GIVE IT UP FOR AMANDA IVORE AND MARK LADWICH (SP)

9:46 PM How can people stretch their legs when they’re flying around on ice skates? It’s amazing. “It’s amazing the things you can do these days on ice skates.” (My quote to myself.)

9:45 PM So far, so good. Somebody better step up and pay these kids’ mortgage … Hodgman I’m looking at you …

9:44 PM Fuck yeah, we’re getting some economic/class analysis goin’ down!!! These American figure-skaters are struggling with the mortgage. I’m about to root my ass off for them … I hope their routine is set to Billy BRagg songs …

9:43 PM I just got confused by a car commercial. That’s how old I am. Can you have wi-fi in a car???

9:41 PM I always like how the figure skaters seem so graceful and calm and effortless, and then the announcer interviews them and they’re panting like they just wrestled a bear to death.

9:40 PM Bob Costas was NOT happy about that ice situation I just mentioned. He said it was “unacceptable” and that he was going to “talk to my pocket square about the situation and maybe it’ll jump out of my pocket and go buck-wild and murder some motherfuckers.” (Just kidding about that second quote.)

9:39 PM Pretty cute Tropicana commercial. <-----LAMEST THING EVER TYPED?

9:37 PM Dude, they had to delay the 500M ice-skating race b/c some idiots couldn’t figure out how to make the ice smooth or something … total fuck-up on behalf of the ice technicians … you gotta be kidding me! C’mon Olympics, are you trying to win a gold medal in fucking up? They didn’t shave the ice or something … On the other hand, I’m like: “Dudes, it’s fuckin’ ICE. Just skate on it. It’s not like you’re gonna hit a rock or a bagel or something.”

9:35 PM ANybody know if Bob Costas’s pocket square has a facebook account? Because I’m feeling it.

9:31 PM Okay lemme try this wine real quick.

9:30 PM OH my GOD would everyone please stop snowboarding?

9:28 PM I’m old-school. There should be three Olympics events: 1.) Figure skating 2.) Skiing racing 3.) Ice running. THE END.

9:27 PM This event isn’t worth the snow it’s printed on.

9:26 PM Live from Cypress Mountain … the Olympics present: WHAT? More goddamn “Snowboard Cross,” the biggest fake-ass Olympics event ever??? Wanna know why I know this isn’t a real sport? Because dude is wearing BLUE JEANS. WHy don’t you eat a cheesesteak while you’re at it?

9:23 PM I’ll tell you who’s gonna win the gold medal for “most commercials”: THE OLYMPICS

9:22 PM You know what? I’m considering boycotting Morgan Freeman. Ironic, isn’t it, considering he just portrayed Nelson Mandela, a man whose country was itself the object of multiple boycotts? Gold medal in irony, I just won!!!

9:21 PM Now I’m watching in iPHone commercial. Waitaminute, it’s a Samsung phone.

9:19 PM The people just finished ice skating. Time for a commercial featuring Rascal Flatts.

9:19 PM Finished the last of the merlot; moving on to the 2008 Pelta Valencia.

9:16 PM WHy aren’t the announcers commenting on the figure skating? This is weird. I like it when they analyze everything: “Here comes the triple-axle … and … BEAUTIFUL! That will be worth 3 points from the judges.” I can’t sit here and watch these people skate around and not know if they’re doing a good job or not …

10:56 PM Okay, I think those Canadians just rocked it to “The Way We Were.” I was just totally eating popcorn and grooving to it.

10:49 PM SALTINES COMMERCIAL LIVE-BLOGGING: WHy would I want a cracker that makes my soup explode all over the place like a nuclear bomb just went off in it?

10:48 PM Forget everything I just said about the Russians … I just realized the guy has a SOUL PATCH … that brings tonight’s “Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count” to 4.

10:47 PM Not into the “Love Story” theme … feels cliched, a little stale … how about figure-skating to “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, that’s a romantic song with a modern feel … those big drums would lend themselves to some cool choreography … I’ll say one thing though, these Russians are BURNIN’ … if I ran a modeling agency I would sign them to a 3-year exclusive contract with 10% commission on all photoshoots and a 10% reprint clause with unlimited reprints …

10:44 PM THe ice is positively melting underneath these beautiful RUssians … dear god I love popcorn so much … oh wait, they just messed up a little …WIAH FFDSF I thought he was about to drop her … seriously, blessings and peace to all figure-skaters, please no accidents …

10:42 PM No way is that Chinese pair gonna remain in first place … dude, she totally fell all over the place! And also the commentator said they were “non-musical…” okay here come the Russians … oh man, they are soooo attractive and good-looking, and he’s wearing dress shirt and slacks like he’s on lunch break from Conde Nast, and they’re skating to “Love Story…” I predict they’re about to make it wet …

10:40 PM That was like Alexander Calder double-jointed-mobile shit!

10:38 PM whoa what the fuck was that

10:35 PM More falls from the Chinese pair. I will say, though, this violin music is jammin’. You know how sometimes a violin can sound like a butter-soaked hatchet chopping down a door? That’s what this is like … okay now they’re spinning around … now they do that thing where they’re spinning on one leg and they start crouching down … that’s one of my favorite moves … “The Chinese really do excel at throws and twists…” Zoiks, he just about threw her across the room … good thing she didn’t fall like last time, I guess she tore a ligament in her knee … can you imagine … at the OLYMPICS …

10:32 PM POPCORN I LOVE YOU POPCORN

10:31 PM Are you serious? “The Russians have won 12 straight gold medals in pairs figure skating.”

10:28 PM Canadian couple about to begin their figure skating routine. Annabelle (the female) looks like she’s 13 years old. Oh cool, they’re ice-dancing to the Grand Canyon Suite. I own it on vinyl (not to brag, but whatever). Okay, here they go … “so athletic, so determined…” OUCH, the girl just fell … a sigh from the audience … c’mon keep going … now he’s lifting her in the air, crowd cheers … all is forgiven … just have fun on the ice … one problem with this pair? I think? Is that the guy is like three feet taller than li’l Annabelle (sp) .. they look a little discombobulated … but I’ll tell you what’s not discombobulated, is Bob Costas’s pocket square, when can we see it again? Okay, enough fuckin’ around, I might be DRUNK … mad LOLs whenever I think about that pocket square … I LOVE THE OLYMPICS …

10:23 PM Okay, focus: Time for a serious piece of telejournalism about a Chinese ice skater. I’m so stoked that they opened with a Chinese proverb, b/c now I know it’s about to get soooo Chinese up in here … actually, a little personal fact about me is I went to China a few years ago with my high school friends. If we ever transfer the videos to DVD, I will post some mind-blowing footage. Anyway, back to this story: Apparently some CHinese guy is trying to teach people to ice-skate? Whatever, I don’t care. “Tell your story on the ice,” that’s what I say.

10:21 PM I think the wine just kicked in, b/c I’m totally laughing about that amazing post about the Gatorade commercial below.

10:20 PM Totally feeling this Gatorade commercial.

10:19 PM GUESS WHO’S ABOUT TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN EATING POPCORN

10:09 PM Gimme a minute to make this popcorn. I’ll be back in a minute. Hopefully I won’t miss any commercials, LOL.

10:08 PM Okay, not to be too much of a dork, but can I just say? If you win a gold medal at the Olymipcs? LOL, you’re probably pretty SAD. When they’re playing your national anthem and everyone from your country is singing along (”Oh Canada, we love you so much,” or whatever) are you kidding me? You’re fucking so stoked it’s not even funny.

10:05 PM Canada in the house … we’re about to hear their national theme song, called “Oh Calcutta!”

11:56 PM “The Russian streak is over.” China on the rise.

11:48 PM Has it really been 3+ hours of blogging? I’m getting tired. I’m more tired than an ice-skater on a downhill luge with fifty snowflakes flying out of their butt.

11:43 PM I think we’re gonna see some Chinese people on the podium tonight. THey did good.

11:42 PM Finally! SOmeone got thrown in the air and spun around and didn’t fall down. Feels good. These two are rippin’ the ice to shreds. Shit is about get melted into water, son.

11:40 PM Are you kidding me with how far that guy just threw that girl up in the air when they were on ice skates?

11:36 PM Mr. Brown Trousers did pretty well … damn, bro, talk about your “buns of steel” … the cameraman just got an eyeful …

11:34 PM Yulia Tymoshenko

11:33 PM Mad upside-down shit goin’ on right now … the woman’s hair reminds me of that one lady from Ukraine … you know who I’m talking about? The Princess Leia blonde woman?

11:32 PM Figure-skater-wearing-brown-trousers alert …

11:27 PM Strong finish by the RUssians, but still … “Fine line between wanting it and wanting it too much …” Maybe that will be the Russians’ downfall? “Surprisingly disappointing performance”– just like this live-blog, NOT!!!

11:23 PM The Russians are looking solid … good leg extension … he’s dragging her around by the leg … now they’re smiling … she skates for Russia but she was born in Japan … for her, skating comes first … audience is clapping along, in the spirit of the moment … ACK SHE BUSTED FLAT ON HER ASS … OMG now he’s holding her upside-down!!! “Not prepared for a performance like this at all” … maybe they got in over their heads?

11:21 PM Here they come: The RUssians. Can anyone stop them? They’re in the #1 position right now … they will skate last … WAIT … they’re skating NOW … repeat … Russains skating NOW …

11:19 PM Costas going DEEP on the figure-skating analysis … of course, my attention is fixated on a certain pocket square … why does it make me laugh so much? I dunno, but I like it … goddamn what is this guy talking about, I can’t even focus on ice-skating analysis anymore … He’s like, “In pair skating, two must skate as one…” What is this, Kung-Fu For The Chicken Soup of the Soul? Am I right or what people …

11:16 PM Did I just watch a commercial about a special faucet that you can turn on with … your hands? Huh??? And now here’s goddamn Morgan “Migraine” Freeman going on about VISA once again … ENOUGH …

11:13 PM Watching a mini-documentary about this American snowboard woman who lost the gold medal last time b/c she tried to do a front-side ollie or whatever (some kind of trick like in Thrasher magazine) and she busted on her ass and came in second … now she’s back and ready for GOLD … we wish her peace and all blessings in her quest …

11:08 PM Of course he has a soul patch. That brings the count to 5.

11:08 PM “Back-to-back golds for Seth Wescott.”

11:07 PM Guys, seriously, snowboarding is jammin’. I didn’t know you could pass a guy while snowboarding.

11:07 PM ALL OF A SUDDEN I’M TOTALLY INTO SNOWBOARDING!!!

11:06 PM OH SHIT YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME HE WON THE GOLD MEDAL IN HIS BLUE JEANS!!!

11:05 PM This American guy Seth Wescott (sp) is about to maybe win back-to-back golds in snowboard-related program activities … let’s see what happens … it’s for the medal, now … snowboard cross or whatever the hell it’s called … uh-oh, Wescott in fourth … Nate HOlland is DOWN … no chance for a medal … Seth Wescott passes the French guy … go Wescott … comin’ up … oh shit, Wescott is burning … OH FUCK OH SHIT

11:01 PM Whoa… they showed a little teaser about Russian figure skating that was so intense I got a little scared … can anyone stop the Russians?

The verdict is clear: After 3+ hours of frenzied wine-blogging, mnftiu.cc became America’s best source of real-time Olympic news and analysis. I’m gonna go buy a pocket square.

Also, my head hurts.

From longtime reader MR comes this heartfelt appreciation of what an awesome job I did last night when I basically live-blogged the Olympics into the ground:

I haven’t had a television since I was nineteen years old, so as you can imagine it’s been a long time since I watched the Olympics. Now, thanks to you, I feel I have watched them all–all those lost glorious years returned to me through the magic of wine blogging. I just really appreciate it. I love America now.

It was my pleasure. Not sure if I’ll be able to blog tonight; it depends on multiple factors beyond my control. I would suggest checking back in around 9:00 PM EST.

Reader RS chimes in from the great wintry wilds of Brazil:

cheers from sao paulo, brasil!

loving the live-blogging of vancouver games, plz keep it up. i’m watching here (there are five brasilians in these olympics) and thankfully there are few commercials . . . but sadly no bob costas, and therefore, no pocket square…your description has me googling an image to satisfy this curiousity…it must be good, i feel it.

Umm, yeah, you could say that! By the end of the night, I was laughing out loud (or, “LOL”ing) every time they cut back to Bob Costas and his pocket square.

BREAKING NEWS … someone please donate some PayPal money so I can go buy a bottle of wine for tonight’s wine-blogging. You will get a full shout-out during the blogging …

Thanks!

I’ll be live-blogging the Olympics again tonight (unless they’re already over). Things pop off starting around 9:00 PM EST…

10:02 PM Nice spin-move! Weird yet pretty. Here comes the footwork sequence … “insane,” per the announcer (Scott Hamilton?) … it’s the Lone Ranger music! Oh shit, cowboy time up in here! He’s dancing and prancing … “considered the best spinner in this competition …” true, he’s spinning like a “meh-feh.” Still spinning … spinning … even more spinning … OH SHIT HE JUST SPUN THE SHIT OUT OF THAT SPIN

10:00 PM Gave up 4.7 base points b/c he didn’t do a triple axel … he goofed the quad-toe, just lost more points … he looks good though … he’s dancing on the ice … WHOA THAT WAS a funky move …

9:59 PM Okay, time for another figure-skater … A Swiss guy … the flag-bearer of the Swiss Olympic team … wearing kind of a steam-punk outfit … this must be the BoingBoing Olympics … his name is Lambiel … okay here we go “His costume looks overpowering … burdensome …”

9:58 PM Again with the Canadians trying to trick me into visiting Canada …

9:55 PM Documentary about famous snowboarder Shawn White … he built his own private half-pipe on the side of a mountain so he can practice in secret … ARGGHH the class-warrior in me must root against him…

9:52 PM Commentator on snowboarders: “It’s not enough to be good. You gotta be cool, too.” Words to live by.

9:50 PM Awaiting the scores for Takahashi (the emo guy who just killed it) … here we go … some kind of delay … OH shit, 90.25!!! “It’s on!” We got an ice-skating contest on our hands!!!

9:48 PM HELL yes! “Welcome back! WOw! Thta was done with such personality …” The other commentator: “That was HOT!” No argument here, we’re knee-deep in the hoopla right about now …

9:47 PM This Japanese emo kid is CRUSHING … THE OLYMPICS ARE BACK!!!

9:45 PM OH FUCK YEAH WE AT THE OLYMPICS NOW, BABY “Beautiful triple axle” hell yeah, analyze these jumps!

9:44 PM Ice skating rules. WHen you see some dude skating around wearing a freaky sparkling outfit, you’re like “It’s Olympics time.”

9:43 PM OKAY, HERE WE GO Men’s figure skating. THis Japanese skater has emo hair!!! Is this the first emo-hair-olympics? EMOLYMPICS …

9:42 PM Here’s what’s going on in my house: Last night’s leftover popcorn with smushed up tortilla chips and lime and hot sauce … INTO THE UNKNOWN …

9:37 PM Man I need to drink a beer about this.

9:37 PM Whoa whoa whoa Bob Costas– no pocket square??? WTF WORST NIGHT OF OLYMPICS EVER … dontchanow …

9:36 PM I’m kinda bummed for Jacobellus … those post-race interviews will be brutal … “What went wrong for Lindsay Jacobellus…” replay now … she landed wrong or something … over-corrected … dude she’s BUMMED … her dad is bummed … “no chance to silence the critics and fans alike …”

9:33 PM Guess what? Jacobellus just completely flamed out!!! WHOA she went off the course … “I”m still in shock” … she’s gotta be hating life right now … this was her chance to avenge herself … OMG she’s bummin’ …

9:31 PM Actually I’m kinda feeling the blue lines on the snow on the snowboardcross track … reminds me of TRON … did any of you guys see that movie, it was great … that was one of my favorite video games, too … that joystick was glowing and see-through like a “muh-fuh.” Some lady just won another snowcrossboard race contest, btw …

9:30 PM More snowboard-cross racing … I wish I had that special kind of satellite dish where you can watch every single thing at the Olympics, I would be all over some ice-dancing right now…

9:27 PM If any of my readers are at the Olympics right now reading these posts on their RSS feed, could they please go to the snowboarding track and hold up a sign that says “http://www.mnftiu.cc rules” when the camera sweeps by? Thanks …

9:26 PM This commercial has a gorilla in a car talking about annuities or some such shit I can’t even understand …

9:25 PM A show where marriages in crisis are analyzed by Jerry Seinfeld??? “What will they think of next?”

9:23 PM “Play smart, play fast …” snowboard koan from the announcer … Jacobellus is burnin’ … the snow is all like “Swoosh, swoosh,” here we go, huge jump … last turn … she won the race! Advances to the next round …

9:22 PM Her outfit is psychedlic … very “BOb-COstas pocket-square” … riders ready … GO!!! … they’re off … Jacobellus in the lead … somebody fell …

9:21 PM Oh shit this is important! The woman who screwed up last time doing a triple hangie-louie (or whatever) is back for the gold!!!! Her name is Lindsey Jacobellus … expect hardcore liveblogging … NOW…

9:20 PM Cool, the guy in the GEICO commercial looks like me! (Liveblogging at its finest … get pumped …)

9:18 PM Just FYI, we’re resetting the soul-patch count for tonight’s liveblog. Current tally: 0 (Women’s snowboarding, dontchaknow…) (Is that how you spell dontchaknow? Dontyaknow? Huh? I’m gonna crack that nut, figure out how to spell it, and then use it all night …)

9:17 PM BestBuy makes computers???

9:16 PM Seriously, with the snowboard cross, guys? With these blue lines spraypainted all over the snow? The crowd hooting and hollering like savages? Why can’t the Olympics just be figure skating? I don’t like events that look like Xbox commercials. “Editorial content provided by your blogger …”

9:14 PM Whoa, Gabrielle Union is really pretty! Now I’m watching all these Canadian celebrities try to convince me to visit British Culumbia (sp) whatever that is … some kind of island colony or something …

9:12 PM By the way, tonight I’ve traded wine for stout. Expect a darker, more brooding intensity to my blog posts …

9:11 PM WHAT’D I MISS??? SOME SNOW???

9:08 PM Okay, gimme a minute to go grab my bowl of rice and beans.

9:07 PM WTF, another Omega watches ad? … “Some say time is an illusion …” I think we’re in for a night of some deep-ass metaphysical ads about wristwatches …

9:05 PM Cool ad from Omega watches … understated, elegant … just like my blog …

9:03 PM Damn, one of these ladies is wearing a total motorcycle helmet! It looks bad-ass! Why don’t figure skaters wear motorcycle helmets, they certainly crash enough … Am I right or what people … we’re doing this … liveblogging …

9:02 PM: Let’s do this. More snowboarding tonight … looks like women this time … goddamn snowboard cross AGAIN???

11:35 PM Damn sorry I’m not liveblogging for shit … I’m still on the phone … wish I could liveblog this conversation, it’s good! ANyway, a bunch of dudes have been ice-skating ..

11:14 PM Skeletor’s got some moves … Castle Grayskull must have a good training regimen …

11:12 PM SKELETOR IN THE HOUSE

11:06 PM Now I’m supposed to get excited for some Doogie-Howser-lookin’ motherfucker? After my boy Johnny Weir? DOUBTFUL.

11:05 PM Consider this blogger SEDUCED by Johnny Weir … the kid is HOT … goddamn if I was “that way” I’d be all up in his biz-dee-ness…

11:01 PM Weir’s looking good … his costume is very Gaga-like … not sure what he’s skating to– I muted the music in deference to my friend on the phone … HELLO, LOOK AT THOSE EYES!!! THIS KID HAS STAR-POWER …

11:00 PM Oh snap my friend i”m on the phone with just told me this is JOhnny Weir, and he has a shrine to Lady Gaga in the Olympic village!

10:59 PM Lady Gaga taking the ice …

10:56 PM Damn he looks weird. Does he have amblyopia? (I worked for an eye doctor, I know these things.)

10:55 PM Here we go: That Canadian kid I told you about … Patrick Chan … Canada’s gold-medal hope … crowd is pumped … violin music coming on strong … here come the jmps … goofed on the triple axle… next two jumps look okay … now he’s running around like a madman on the ice … spinning … arms flailing around … looks like he’s being chased by an ex-lover’s ghost … emotions, passion …

10:49 PM My friend called me to tell me to get off the phone with my other friend and get back to live-blogging .. now I know why … Olympics gettin’ MAD COUNTRY & WESTERN …

10:48 PM Just hung up on my friend — this ice-skater is representing in OVERALLS … fucking A! Harmonica music??? Goddamn, the Olympics rocuel

10:43 PM Taking a quick break … received a phone call … must talk on the phone to my interlocutor …

10:42 PM We need a big jump from this kid … where are the jumps, dude? OH SHIT SPIN ALERT … goddamn he was spinning like a “moh-feh.” “All three members of the Japanese team just threw it down …” One thing I love about this routine? ONE SONG. None of this medley bullshit …

10:41 PM I am feeling this kid. I just wish we could hear Hendrix singing the song, not this instrumental version, but whatevs… I always liked this song … by the way, is it just me, or was Jimi Hendrix an awesome guitar player?

10:40 PM AXIS BOLD AS LOVE FTW

10:39 PM Takahiko Kozuka on the ice … LOL, looking pretty old … NOT, he’s like 11 years old … OH FUCK YEAH MALE ORGASM ALERT– JIMI HENDRIX SONG …

10:39 PM JOubert got a 68.00 … guys, that’s bad … he’s out of the running, even I know that.

10:37 PM Liveblog Editorial Comment: I really, really wish Cyndi Lauper wasn’t appearing on Celebrity Apprentice.

10:36 PM Joubert is NOT HAPPY … “it fell apart” … “disastrous short program” … “painful to watch” … goddamn, these commentators are brutal!

10:33 PM Next skater: Brian Joubert … gack, they’re talking about how one of his skates punctured his ankle or something? “Almost to the bone …” Say what? If that happened to me you wouldn’t find me within 4 miles of an ice-skate … I’m not trying to put deadly weapons on my feet … cool music! What is this? It sounds nice … oof, he biffed the quarduple toe jump … now he’s gotta do the triple lutz (the one that almost murdered his foot) … oh shit the music is getting techno … we’re bangin’ now … OUCH BIG FALL … buzz kill … God now I”m crushingly depressed …

10:29 PM I’m gonna type something where you’re gonna think I’m joking, but I’m not: That Subway jingle about “5-dollar foot-long” has an interesting chord change in it.

10:29 PM How are we feeling about this Matt Damon Iraq movie? Are we excited? Wary?

10:27 PM “Keeping things fun also keeps the mind of the pressure” … remember that, guys … OH I GET IT: Canada has never won the figure-skating gold, and this kid is their big chance … oh man, if he wins Gold? Canada will go buck-wild … (if it’s possible for Canada to go buck-wild, that is …) Oh and by the way, Rush sucks …

10:25 PM Oh man, here’s the polar-bear lady again … Nature Channel mode … no, wait: SHe’s talking about 19-yo figure skater from Canada … his name? Patrick Chan. / Chen? Not sure … he’s got some old-timey coach named Osborne Colson (sp) … “lower, lower, faster, quicker” (that’s what the coach is saying on the tape) … wait, now the coach is dead … but his lessons continue BEYOND THE GRAVE … not sure what I think about this kid … Whoa, he’s doing some cutting-edge training, though … that was some funky PIlates they just showed …

10:24 PM Argghh “Migraine” Freeman is back … thought we wouldn’t be hearing from him tonight …

10:22 PM “What kind of medal do you win at the Winter Olympics?” “A COLD medal.” (Free joke from your liveblogger)

10:19 PM Women’s snowcrossboard for the gold … Swiss lady in the lead … damn she’s smokin’ … big jump, big jump …. wait who’s in the lead? CRASH CRASH ALERT … Canadian in the lead … for the gold … one last jump … crowd going BUCK … Canada’s first gold in snowboardcross!!!!

10:18 PM Hey, here’s an interesting commercial from America’s oil and natural gas industry … seems the future of energy lies in fossil fuels … good to know!

10:16 PM Cute commercial from Turbo Tax. <-----------GOD I LOVE WRITING SHIT LIKE THAT

10:14 PM Hmm, a commercial break .. .that’s unusual…

10:13 PM Okay, here comes the score for Oda aka SHarkboy aka “SOn of the warlord” … my prediction: 83.00 — he got 84.85! Temporarily in third place …

10:09 PM Wow, so much drama from Oda! I thought he did good … “Skated as well as he can …” “Doesn’t have the size and impact …” But remember this is just the short program … the long program is a whole different program …

10:08 PM Do you think ice-skating music would be good to make love to? Hmm.

10:07 PM He’s dominating right now … he’s wearing gloves, which looks really cool, donchaknow … now THAT was a funky-ass spin … what was that? OH HELL YEAH! “ROCK ME LIKE A HURRICANE!!!” Oh shit, false alarm … thought he was about to dance to the Scorpions …

10:05 PM Next up, Nobunari Oda … looking fierce … he reminds me of a shark … goddamn he’s a descendant of a Japanese warlord … that’s what they just said … okay, show us what you got … KILLED the triple axle … damn this kid can jump … he is a truly a warlord — “of the ice” … he’s got a full-on ice kingdom going right now

10:03 PM We’re waiting on the judge’s scores for “Spinderella.” Time for some commercials: This one is about a pharmaceutical, I guarantee it–whoa actually it’s for Diet Coke supporting breast cancer or something … OKAY now we’re waiting Stephane Lambiel’s scores … man he looks really happy and relaxed … I would like to be friends with him … judges say — 84.63. Oof. He doesn’t look happy … but it’s a personal best and he’s in third place …

From reader PM, last night:

Dude. I am sitting in front of a roaring fire in cable-free rural Vermont watching the Olys on my laptop via a slingbox tied into my brother’s TV hundreds of miles away, but without some badass liveblogging, this techno-wonder would be an empty experience. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Thank you! It’s my pleasure to help you soar.

Olympics liveblogging will resume tonight at 9:00 PM EST.

Tell your friends!

10:00 Whoa dudes pushing each other on the short-course speed skating! (Replay of earlier race) Okay … here comes a new race … Goddamn I don’t know about Mr. Ono’s soul patch, I might say “Oh no” to that soul patch … (get it, b/c his name is Ono–stupid but it made me giggle) … damn these guys wear some puffy-ass helmets …

9:59 SOul patch!!! Apollo Ono bringing an A1 soul patch!

9:57 (SAY IN Dick Vitale voice): IT’S THE OLYMPICS, BAY-BEE!!! POCKET SQUAYUH! IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS, BAY-BEE!

9:56 OMG OMG POCKET SQUARE POCKET SQUARE WE HAVE POCKET SQUARE!!!!

9:54 NOW SHE’S RUNNING to find her coach? Or her lover? No, I think it’s her coach. .. they’re hugging and crying … Sam: “Don’t you think it must be anticlimactic? Deep down she must be faking it (ie the tears)” Controversial analysis from Sam! “NBC will definitely not be calling you.” Sam: “Maybe the rot sets in a week later.” Sam, you’re about to be public enemy #1 with your player-hating … dude, c—WAIT — WAIT — pocketr square!!! POCKEt SQUARE

9:51 Okay, this ain’t Sam-blogging… it’s Olympo-blogging … get a grip … OKAY LINDSEY VONN is showing her heart right now … weeping with joy … I’m feeling this … goddamn I have a feeling we’re gonna see her on a box of Kashi Cereal soon … or maybe Wheaties? Hmm … grapenuts is my fave cereal … but I buy SHopRite fake grapenuts too be penny-wise … goddamn you can truly type anything can’t you? Liveblogging is so cool … anyway, VOnn is talking about how she went down the mountain burnin’ ass like nobody’s business .. “My leg was killing me … I was tired …” now we’re seeing her in slow-mo flying through the air like a trapeze … “What else should we be prepared to see you accomplish?” Lindsey: “I don’t care.” GODDAMN I LOVE YOU LINDSEY!!!

9:50:30 Now Sam’s playing my guitar. Seems to have a working knowledge of both D and C chords … maybe I’ll give him a gold medal at guitar playing

9:50 Morgan Freeman arrrggghh with the goddamn VISA ads. Sam: “I once did an amazing Morgan Freeman impressoin.” Me: “Do it now.” Sam: “I don’t think I could do it again.” Now Sam’s talking about some monologue from the Shawshank Redmpetion , “Or maybe it was Driving Miss Daisy.” Great, so my friend Sam is either a sentimentalist or a racist!!!

9:48 Sometimes I can’t tell what’s an NBC mini-documentary and what’s a credit card commercial

9:47 BREAKING: Lindsey Vonn has won the Woman’s Gold Medal In Girl’s Ski-Racing. We have a confirmed GOld medal winner!!! GIRL POWER

9:46 Are USA Women gonna sweep the ski-racing contest???

9:45:59 Can anyone beat Vonn at this point? I don’t think so … she’s just too beautiful … but this lady skiing right now looks okay … M. Riesch is her name, if I’m interpreting the graphics fcorrectly … “she just doesn’t want the speed” …

9:43 Sam: “It was like someone put her in a blender! (beat) I’ve got good, evocative crash descriptions.”

9:42 HUGE ski crash, guys. Damn, that one didn’t even look fun … dude just showed up with a snow shovel! It’s that bad … she was going so fast, she crashed! Right on her heiney! “Fehgadderboutit”

9:40 PM here comes another skier … from Denmark … but in important news, we’re ordering a pizza … Sam: “Do your visualization exercises about ordering the pizza …” PIZZA ORDER IS BURNING UP THE SLOPES … we’re ordering with half no-cheese, b/c I keep telling ppl I”m vegan even thought that’s fake as shit b/c a couple weeks ago my friends ordered me bone marrow at a fancy restaurant and I got all up in its “biz-dee-ness” (favorite word I made up last night) …

9:37:45 Gettin’ slippy and sloppy with time codes and spelling … “Fugaddaboutit”

9:37 MP ONE SKI??? Lindsey Vonn was rocking ONE SKI??? “Furgettabadoutit”

9:36 PM no longer italicizing time-codes … no time …

9:35 PM What happened? Sam and I were in the kitchen planning our pizza order and then we heard all this screaming and cheering — somebody musta just gone plain ol’ crazy on the slope … DEVELOPING

9:29 PM Time to thank my wine donors from yesterday: christopher savastio AND especially “Emil Zatopek” for those in the know …

9:28 PM ANOTHER CRASH ANOTHER LADY HITS THE SNOW … chilling hard on her butt, just sliding down the slope … then she got mad and thrashed about with her ski-pole!!!

9:27 PM For the record: We’re going to be drinking my fave liveblogging wine: Stephen Vincent 2006 Merlot!!! “The original Olywineblog wine!”

9:26 PM Now some guy is talking into a microphone about something, maybe about snow or something … not sure, Sam and I are talking about something– OH SHIT SAM BROUGH THE WINE… WE ABOUT TO GET BUCK…

9:25 PM BIG OL’ CRASH … floppin’ every which way .. Sam: “Like a killer whale tossing a seal…” our prayers go out to her family and her skis …

9:22 PM SA = Sam. I’m just gonna call him Sam from now on.

9:20 PM Goddamn some woman just tore up the slopes … I was like “is that Vonn?” and SA yelled at me: “That’s Mancuso! SHe’s a legend!” Oh shit we got an Olympics expert up in here!!!

9:17 PM My friend SA has arrived!!! He better start being funny … oh shit he’s already bringing some A+ material about spandex … THIS IS WHY WE GET UP IN TH EMORNING

9:15:46 PM Another woman is skiing … she looks good … “these girls have got to nail it aggressively…” she’s from Austria I think … she’s been skiing for 57 seconds now …

9:15 PM GUYS THANKS for all the nice emails you’re sending … will try to answer via liveblog …

9:14 PM REminds me a couple years ago when I got banned from a UNC basketball message board for criticizing Roy Williams’ Coca-Cola ads … LOL they weren’t trying to hear about human rights abuses at COlombian bottling plants … TY LAWSON WHY AREN’T YOU RETURNING MY CALLS

9:13 PM As a former left-wing political cartoonist, I assume I don’t have to register my disgust at the constant barrage of Coca-Cola ads, right?

9:12 PM I think we’re about to see a skiing race. Woman’s downhill skiing through the woods … no, no, wait … one woman at a time … I thought it was snowboardcross style, where you got four people going at the same time … okay, so this lady is racing down the course … going really fast … “we know it’s bumpy, we know it’s fast …” (talking about the course, not about how I’m gonna be demolishing pizza in about 30 minutes) … Stacy Cook was the skiers name .. she’s in the lead!

9:08:23:05 PM UPDATE: Lindsey Vonn, is the correct spelling.

9:08 PM Oly-doc @ Vaughn(sp), the famous woman skier … she’s one of our USA heroes, I think … “best US woman skier ever …” “Nearly ripped her thumb in half opening a champagne bottle at a victory celebration” I LIKE, I LIKE …

9:07 Oh shit, just off the phone with SA … we’re gonna order a pizza when he comes over!!! THE OLYPMICS ARE BACK, BABY

9:05 PM Awaiting arrival of blog reader SA, who will audio-commentate on the Olys and I will type what he says (if it’s funny) …

9:04 PM Mercedes commercial: “When you buy a car, what are you really buying?” Umm … a car, right?

9:03 PM Man that ice is looking smooooth … who couldn’t go fast on that ice?

9:02 PM Men’s speed-skating … lots of blue helmets: “What is this, the UN? Am I right or what people? I’m over here now …”

9:00:05:54 FYI, tonight’s posts will be recorded within 1/100th of a second, “Oly-style”

9:00:05 PM Here we are, face to face– a couple of OLYMPICS SPOONS

9:00 PM GAME ON

10:58 Reader feedback (no time for quote attribution): “Dude, your olyblogging rocks my socks off, keep it up….” “eating popcorn and hitting refresh. don’t stop. it’s magic…” “I cannot thank you enough for your coverage of the Olympics! It has made all the difference to me….” “i love your wine-blogging of the olympics….” etc. etc. thanks guys!!! WE’RE DOING IT!!! GOLD MEDALS ON THE HOUSE …

10:57 Thanks to reader NA for settling the Chris. Guest argument … in my favor, needless to say!!!

10:56:01:00 SAM AND I ARE PUMPED kokubo on the course half pipe!!! get surly!!! getgnarly! I hope he beats Shaun WHite … oh no he crashed. … Sam: “stick a ruler up there so we can tell how they’re going … this feels sloppy … if you wanna be a sport, don’t be like, ‘Oh he’s as high as that cameraman over there’” goddamn my boy is feeling his oats w/r/t snowboarding!!! (w/r/t = dfw tribute)

10:55 POPCORN AD! I jsut saw an ad about popcorn!!!! REMEMEBR THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN I WAS EATING SO MUCH POPCORN//// I LIVED IT

10:53 Target bringing the lounge music … lots of things for under $20 for all you fashionistas out there reading my blog … Target!!! … now some kind of historical USA ad about how we’re all in this together as long as we use Allstate Insurance if not you can burn in hell … Allstate “I’m over here now!” NEW MOTTO

10:52:01 I knewthat kid would crash i could just feel it but he’s only 19 so it’s all good

10:51 Damn, it’s Shaun White I misspelled it … Louie Vito, 5′5″ and stuck in 5th place! Sam: “Curse of the fives…” Yowch, “the dark side of Harry Potter…”

10:49 Syriana + Bourne Identity

10:48 She’s about get on the cover of “Canadian Wheaties” cereal …

10:47:02 Fuck it, I wouldn’t believe WIkipedia anyway … keep the blog burning … Maelle Ricker is about to receive a medal for snowboarding … she’s from Canada so we’re listening to “Argh, Canada,” the famous national anthem … she has world-weary eyes … what horrors has she seen????

10:47:01 WIkipedia break? SHani Davis age-check?

10:46 Famous USA speedskater Shani Davis being interviewed … damn he’s burnin’ in the replay … big long arms… the best look … how old is he? He looks 40!!! WAIT WAIT Sam says he looks 19??? “Get those cataracts check out, buddy” this dude is totally middle-aged SHani Davis is lookin’ 45 years old!!!!

10:45 POCKET SQUARE >>>>

10:42 Recap of last night’s male figure-skate dancing … all my old friends … the passion, I remember … donchaknow… “furgaddabeoutit.”

10:40:53 I dunno about Shawn WHite and his private mountainside snowboard course …

10:40 Shawn White gets a 46.8 … is that good? He thinks so? ALl I know is, if he was figure-skating, that score would totally suck a goose’s ass …

10:39 On a phone call … blogging too … here comes Shawn WHite , the most famous snowboarder … here he goes … flying thru the air … he’s happy … who are these guys, wearing blue jeans? SLow-mo replay proves how high in the air he went on his snowboard … look at his hair flying …

10:35 Our next snowboarder — whoevere he is — just flew in the air like 500 feet … a big “WHOA!” from Sam … “a very good run” … what’s this kid’s name? Scotty Lago? I wish NBC would put the athlete’s name — WIAT PHONE RINGING

10:31 Kokubo (Japanese snowboarder) looking GLUM … I’ll root for him … GODAAmn he just something WACKY … “fronside 1080″ … ouch … FACE-PLANT … take that face to a greenhouse, kid, b/c it’s a face PLANT …

10:30:25 Okay, it looks cool in slowed-down-motion replay, I admit … then again, what doesn’t? Maybe an old man eating spaghetti? … wait maybe I misjudged this kid Louie Vito … startign to like him …

10:30 Louie Vito maybe ease up on the “human bobble-head” action …

10:29 GOLD MEDAL HAMMER-DROP WINNER: Sam on Louie Vito: “Whoa … five-foot five? That’s why he’s acting like that.” SNAP

10:27 Having argument about whether Christopher Guest directs all the commercials starring his troupe of actors… David = Yes; Sam - NO

10:25 When can we see more of that speed-skating we were watching a few mintues ago?? That was a real sport … not this “triple ollie” rigarmorale (? goddamn how do you spell that)

10:22 Some kid busted his ass on his freestyle snowboard …. he’ll probably talk about it on myspace…

10:23 BTW, merlot drinking very well… Gold medal taste … a great value …follow these guys on twitter: @artisanwineshop

10:22 PIZZA arrived, that’s why there was an unacceptable pause in liveblogging

10:21 Next up: Snowboarding freestyle or whatever … not that interested? Why: BECAUSE I’M A GROWN-ASS MAN

10:14 Sam just told me about a performance art piece he heard about … all I can say is GODDAMN they should give that person a gold medal for “WTF”

10:13 Costas giving a shout-out to our troops in Kabul … much respect guys, stay safe and watch out for pocket squares…

10:11 Here’s that ol’ McDOnald’s commercial YET AGAIN … like Olympians eat Chicken McNuggets … PLEASE

10:10 Now Sam’s talking about some highly confidential shit.

10:09 WHere’s North Korea at the Olympics? HOld up, Colgate commercial featuring Brooke Shields?

10:08 MY NEW FAVORITE SPORT: MEN’S RELAY SPEED SKATE SHORT-RACING or whatever it’s called

10:08 Blog reader S.O., you’er sending me mad emails … I love it but I can’t answer them yet …

10:07 PM Okay you know what? I actually like this event. This is awesome! Everyone is constnatly in mostion, pushing off each other’s butt … going from inside to outside, plus they’re going fast as a “muhr-feh”

10:04:50:23 Speaking of Korea, once I went to China. It was really interesting … I went to Shanghai, Nanjing, WUhan, and Chonqing … I saw the 3 GOrges Dam, as in “God-DAM this thing is a hot mess…”

10:04 Big-ass crash! USA now in 2nd place … push off, guys, push off … USA vs Korea …

10:01:40:12 PM THe race is still going strong … nobody has quit … no crashes … like a well-oiled machine … just chillin’ right now … waiting on that pizza …

10:01 We’re off! THe men are racing … it’s like 200 ice skaters on the course! It’s like a relay or something … Sam: “It’s like the limbo” Umm… calling bullshit on that analogy, Sam. .. they push each other to go faster … I like it… graceful speed poetry in motion … “a testament to form” (private msg to SL) …

11:35 Oh shit … I guess the Olymipcs are over for the night. Snuck up on me. Thanks to Sam for coming over, thanks to the wine donors, and thanks to YOU for reading! See you soon … @ THE OLYMPICS …

11:32 HOLD UP AGAIN: Big-ass typography controvesry . Just got an email from a reader wondering ABOUT my use of “@” … I use @ to mean “at” (as in “see you @ the library”) and also to mean “about” like “My favorite thing @ the Olympics is ski-racing” and Sam says nobody does that . TRUE??? DId I make up that use of @???? WTF??? I thought everyone used it that way!

11:29 HOLD UP are the Olymipcs over for the night??? WTF? NO, wait, Costas is just signing off … one last look at the “P.Square” Okay, NBC is pumped b/c lots of superstar Americans won. WHat’s good for USA is good for ratings, I think. Feeling this reggae music montage of the victors … WIll.I.Am? Or somebody else? Wyclef?

11:28 :-) :-) :-) :-)

11:26:34 <—-

11:26 Guys just noticed that wordpress converted my emoticon (re: pocket square) into like some kind of cartoon face … my apologies … that is NOT OK

11:25:34 Mancuso / Vonna rivalry? What’s going on? Vonn: “I knew I had to go out there and take it.” Sounds like Sam’s attitude towards all my KALE

11:25 Sam: “Mancuso’s bitter. She’s mad she got beat.”

11:19 Big argument at wineblogging HQ @ who took all the kale for our customized pizzas …

11:15 PIZZA BREAK BACK IN 53/100ths of a second … <—- WAIT ALERT “Get that pocket square” Costas holding it down … pinstripes and pocket squares (name of my new broadway musical I’m writing)

11:13 Here comes the big finale for Shaun White! BIG FINISH … but I can’t tell the difference b/w all these snowboard jumps! Sam says he could tell the difference, like I’m some kind of idiot … ARGGHGGH “it’s atheltes like Shawn Wite that make you think the imopssible is poissble” <— announcer He did the double McTiwst … dude I’m not trying to eat at McDonalds!!! Now Sam’s mad at me b/c I’m not feeling the special finale

11:11 Shaun WHite wins the gold medal. I feel nothing. SOrry to be a hater, guys. AM I just old and bitter? I don’t know I still like to have fun and whatnot. Somethign@ this kid just feels off to me … Fuck it might as well admit I don’t like Kanye West, either. And btw why does Schoolly D have less than 200 followers on twitter?

11:10:23:11 “THERE’S A TERM THAT SOME OF US USE … IT’S CALLED TAPPING INTO THE EYE OF THE TIGER…” there’s our quote for the night, right there. Thank you mr. announcer

11:09 Damn we’re getting NO KIND of Costas tonight … WTF … “a blogger needs a pocket square right about now”

11:08 That guy Peetu Pii… (whatever) just moved into silver medal position with a score of 45.0 Announcer: “That was shocking to me…” hmm controversy in the works? Next up: some other dude … backside 900 …. speaking of “Backside,” he just flat-busted out on his backside … NEXT …

11:05:53 Can Vito pull it off??? USA #1 in snowboarding??? We invented this sport, right? With no help from fuddy-duddies like me. Whoops Vito couldn’t pull it off … “it will not be a podium sweep…” next up: Peetu Something-or-other currently in 4th … “his strength: technicality and perfection” that’ll work!

11:05 PM Whoa, lady, not sure it’s okay to have the Am. Flag bunched up in yr hands like that

11:04 Li’l Vito back on the pipe … hittin’ the pipe … Americans could sweep …

11:03 “The big risk of going absolutely massive out of the pipe” … hey all my 420 heads you know what that could be an innuendo for, right? “Smokin’ a fat jay” LOL I’m laughing right now

11:01:00 PM some guy is talking about how futuristic his car is … now it’s the Alice in Wonderland ad by Tim Burton … is that Johnny Depp? … yeah, it is … okay, what’s this another Morgan Migraine special for VISA credit cards … now another ad where this guy talks about his amazing car: “It’s like sittign on an air hockey table” … hmm is that good? I’d rather sit on a seat, brah.

Deadlines mean we have a reduced chance of Oly-live-wineblogging…

Hey guys, the emails keep pouring in about “What happened to the liveblogging?” (I couldn’t do it last night, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it tonight, either.)

From reader BL:

It’s not the same without you. I was eagerly anticipating your insight into emo-boy Takahashi.

Reader AM chimes in from Canada (aka Olympics Central):

My only connection to the world of Olympic glory is your dedicated liveblogging, which not only provides up-to-the-minute action, but goes so far as to add value in the form of commercial commentary, commentary on commentary, and ready-made phrases that I can drop into conversations whenever I need to pass myself off as a patriotic spectator of guys in blue jeans on snowboards. DON’T GIVE UP NOW.

A nice message from reader ER:

Your live-olywineblogging is world class! You are definitely the reigning world champ. (Subtext = “Don’t punk out now” –ed.)

An epic message from CH, who started forwarding the liveblog to his mom:

I and my mom and my girlfriend are loving your liveblogging. Please come back and do it again…. I started sending my mom your liveblogging this week and I didn’t even know if she liked them or not since you are so “out there” and using curse words but I myself was feeling them so much I had to share them with my olympics-watching mom and then I got the following email this morning:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: [REDACTED]
Date: Fri, Feb 19, 2010 at 9:41 AM
Subject: Where is my Oly live wineblooger?
To: [REDACTED]

I see by his website that he didn’t chronicle last night’s events and I watched every minute and every commercial in anticipation of his incisive and loopy commentary. Damn. Maybe he’ll watch the replay they do during the day.

Okay, the people have spoken! Your favorite “Oly live wineblooger” will do his darnedest to liveblog TOMORROW NIGHT, SATURDAY 2/20/10 (btw, could that date look any tougher?)

Know hope.

About to set it off … please stay tuned … Bob Costas about to represent in the purple v-neck…

Oh boy. I was afraid of this … I am on the WEST COAST right now (just a few hours south of the Olympics, amazingly) … and NBC isn’t broadcasting the games!!! Instead it’s some guy named Brian Williams telling me about the news?!?  WTF, bronze medal for this dude.

Lemme see if there’s a solution to this atrocious travesty of horror. I’ll be in touch in a minute … Rest assured WE ARE DOING THIS. I will be liveblogging something tonight … believe it.

6:11 PM PST: Andrea Mitchell is making fun of Alexander Haig for trying to take over the gov’t that one time when he said, “I’m in charge here.” … a sailboat fell over (”next on NBC news”) WHERE ARE THE GOLD-DURNED OLYMPICS???

6:05 PM PST: Some kind of drug called Avadeia (sp) is making people sick … FDA estimates 83,000 heart attacks thanks to this dumb-ass drug … company and FDA have delayed in removing drug from market … Brian Williams is asking a lady some questions about the drug … I think they’re at the Olympics …

Okay, I just did a bunch of research and it seems that in Seattle (my current location– btw Mom, did I tell you I was going to Seattle? Anyway, I’ll call you tomorrow.) you can’t watch the Olympics until 8:00 PM PST (ie, 11:00 PM EST). This probably has something to do with time zones and satellites and all that stuff … so I’m gonna do a little research about stealing cable from a different time zone and bringing that ol’ East-Coast liveblogging!!!

Know hope.

Okay, all my east-coast readers are gonna have a late night … liveblogging will begin at 11:00 PM EST. I’m on west coast time (aka Olympics time), so all you “left-coasters” should turn your tv dials to NBC at 8:00 PM PST and turn your internet dials to MNFTIU at the same time for my commentary …

Know hope …

We’re doing this …

For those who are playing at home, tonight’s drink is: “Various cocktails as curated by my host.”

8:59 PM I love this Irish Spring commercial. Plus, it’s one of my favorite soaps. Okay, now we’ve got a commercial for COAL talking about how people are losing their jobs so let’s burn a bunch of coal b/c coal is the wave of the future

8:58 PM Commercial break … lots of ice-skating previews that’s good. Oh and Lindesy Vonn will do some more skiing. Should be a fun night. Time for my next cocktail order. What should it be? Let me know via email: dr@mnftiu.cc

8:53:05 PM PST: Shani Davis looking focused-er than a “murj-fehr” And. they’re off. Canada vs. USA classic race. Is it for the gold? Can’t tell. Dude they are BURNING. Davis vs. Makowsky! The best of the best! But they’re looking a wee bit slow … Davis is 18/100 of a second over the winning time (I don’t understand how all these different “record-time splits” work … what am I , a professional clock?) Davis is “grimacing” can he do ti? Can he do it? DO IT? DO IT? IT? IT? IT? IT? Shani Davis wins … SILVER>>>> Netherlands wins GOld. He just couldn’t pull it off. I guess he ate too many nachos and drank too many beers last night. And maybe he smoked a fat cigar right before the race, that would explain it. Oh well. Next time he won’t do all those bad things. In the meantime, the dude from the Netherlands is PSCYHED!!! He won the gold! Now back to Bob Costas …

8:52 PM PST: Our hostess is talking about facebook, the famous social networking site I’m getting into. WTF re: Back of Shani Davis warm-up outfit??? Psych-warfare? Say, did anyone read that book “Behold a Pale Horse?” Zoiks … that book is no fun.

8:48 BIG race right now… USA guy’s last Olympic race aaginst Netherlands winner. .. this is it guys, this is why we host the Olympics.. Hedrick vs. Groothuis! Only one shall be champion! (I wish it could be me) … these guys are lookging good, “They have a respect for each others’ skating atheltics” … I wish I could type faster… “leave nothing on the ice” … words to live by– uhoh they gotta pick up th epace … not fast enough,,, go aster! Hedrick won (the American) but he wasn’t ffast enough for medals. His Olympic career is ovah. Shani Davis (USA) is still the man to beat. He could win another WInter Oly-Gold medal.

8:46 PM PST: Netherlands guy won! “The Dutch trying to get back up on the podium.” Well, then, maybe they should compete in “Coffeeshops Where You Can Buy A Fat Joint Of Dope” competition–they’re sure to win the gold! <---------------PRAISE GOD FOR JOKES

8:44 PM PST: NORWAY vs. NETHERLANDS, two great nations, two great skaters, going head to head ... "He's only 2 seconds in the lead now..." anything under 5 seconds is a tie, remember our special rule?

8:42 PM PST: I can't tell if "hot tub time machine" will make money or not. Will it be the next "The Hangover," or the next ... "ISHTAR," the FAMOUS HORRIBLE MOVIE???

8:41:35 PM PST: Look at the smile on that winner! He can really smile! The Russian did great.

8:41 PM PST: ICE SKATES ARE THE BEST

8:39 PM PST: These speedskaters are looking like old-school superheroes! Ice skates rule, bobsleds drool.

8:38 PM MPST: I didn't believe that was the real interior of the Goodyear blimp for one second.

8:37 PM PST: UPDATE FROM MY MOM: The McDOnalds' commercial didn't make her cry (remember a few nights ago when I was liveblogging that mickey-d's commercial?)

8:35:235 PM PST: Goddamn they are in their FLOW right now. Beuatiful. ! ALl events featuring ice skates RULE

8:35 PM PST: Here comes Canada vs. Italy in ice skating. my prediction: Canada will crush Italy in this event. Goddamn they are just straight-up running on the ice!

8:34 PM PST: READER FEEDBACK SUMMARY: East coast readers are in agony ... West coast winners are iN ECSTASY!!! "I'm west-coast tonight ... East Coast, try to keep up!"

8:29 PM PST: Costas back in the house ... moving on to Speedskating !! Shani Davis is the famous USA winner of an earlier event ... this is the 1500 m event I think? Ooh this guy looks like trouble: Trevor Marsicando(sp) -- could NBC please leave the atherlete's names up for a shorter amount of time LOL-- and we got another guy -- a Japanese guy? OH SNAP TWO-MAN skate-off! Just two guys ont he ice? Oh wait, no there's othe rdudes waiting in the wings ... OKay, it's USA vs. Korea not Japan ... going fast, strong on the ice ... I love how they swing their arms, I just do. It's just one of those things that strikes you ... maybe for you it's like how leaf falls or something. (Is that too poetic? "Blame it on da rain")

8:28:50 PM PST: A member of our party just made the inevitable "Bobsled = Waterslide" comparison. YOWCH. "I'm glad I"m not a waterslide right now."

8:28:10 PM PST: USA #3 is going fast! Their sled is lookin' like a straight-up Pinewood Derby classic (shout out to my Cub SCout fans) ...

8:26 PM PST: ANother interview with bobsledders: “What was it like going down the track in your stupid dumb-ass sled?” “It was pretty good.” (My interpretation)

8:25 PM PST: I’m sitting here drinking this scotch and we all just remember there’s a blueberry pie in the fridge and we all got happy.

8:24 PM PST: (Private joke to ppl who watch the Olympics on NBC): “ANyone ever heard of maybe there’s gonna be a new show called ‘Parenthood’? Anybody maybe seen a commercial about that, ever in their life, maybe just one time?”

8:24 PM PST: Russia in 8th place … “Communism loses again>”

8:22 PM PST: Between you and me, I’m ready for a new sport. You can’t see shit when the guys are in the bobsled… where are the expressions, the faical nuances, the beads of sweat? Who the “eff” knows? All you can see is that gol-durned sled — Oh snap spiderman web butt team is back again … here we go RUssia! Go RUSSIA! MOTHER RUSSIA I LOVE YOU ! Kruschve and TOlstoy for life!!! Remember when he banged his shoe on the desk and yelled, “Vee vill invade USA!” or whatever ..?

8:20 PM PST: ORANGE HELMET … someone has an orange helmet, it’s the Netherlands team. THey look good, I got a fine feelings about these guys frmo Nethertlandas (have you ever been to Amsterdram, you can buy mary-jane at a cookie store!) … and they’re off! Orange sled, orange helmets, and you know they’ve got Sunny D holding it down in the firdge (b/c it’s orange) … their slide sounds exreeeeeemley rickety. It looks longer than the other sleds… uh oh losing control losing control be safe be safe oh man ouch they didn’t go so good. Still behind Germany … my brother can speak German.

8:19 PM PST: Captivating interview w/ USA bobsledders about how they couldn’t get their sled to go fast enough

8:18 PM PST: And Guy Fieri takes ANOTHER one of my dream jobs: “Minute to Win It” (he already has my #1 dream job, hosting “Diners Drive-Ins, and Dives”

8:17 PM PST: Hey Olympics! I’ve been watching you for like 26 years. Could you maybe spare 5 mintues to convince me that bobsledding is a sport? Make a CGI diagram or something?

8:16 PM PST: My host is going to add a comment, “Looks like they’re pushing lawnmowers!” (re: bobsleds) “And they just ujumped inside a rocket … (beat) … wow …” duly impressed with “Tha Bob” (ie bobsled slang term for bobsleds)

8:14 PM PST: Here comes those RUssians in their white bobsled … “Feel the speed …” I tell ya, theses bobsleds just zip around like nobody’s businesss! I don’t even think they engines in them. I think the engine is gravity, the famous force that pushes everything towards the center of the arth. … Oh snap Russians bobsled uniforms featuring Spiderman-web pants.

8:13 PM PST: THe announcer is yammering on about “Why didn’t the bobsled go fast enough” while I take a gander at this fine drink: Aberlour 12-year scotch …

8:12 PM PST: USA bobsledders are going buck-wild, speed-wise. Going so fast, I can hear the passion in the announcer’s voice!!! He’s raising his voice in excitement! Their sled looks good … wait, does it have puruple on it? (Puprle, the famous color?) THey didn’t go fast enough… OH SNAP LOOK AT THIS BOOZE

8:11 PM PST: Damn they got some thighs on ‘em, those bobsledders.

8:10:59 PM PST: Putting in a drink request with my host. “Gotta go with whiskey and bobsleds.”

8:10 PM PST: “Xfinity from ComCast.” That doesn’t sound fake enough, not at all. “Xfinity.” That sounds like a 25th Century call girl.

8:09 PM PST: I will let this Jay Leno commercial pass without comment.

8:08 PM PST: They’re talking about how air gets caught in the sled or something, how you don’t want air in the sled??? What in the tarnation of hell is going on with these sleds? You can’t put air in a goddamn sled? “What’s this world coming to?”

8:06:15 PM PST: “90 miles an hour.” Are you kidding me that this rickety-ass sled-a-ma-bob just went 90 mph? FOrget that. Oh snap, we got a big fat-ass sled-driver about to do it — German — 254 lbs. I love it! Damn, his body weight will make that sled flllyyyyyyy…

8:06 PM Is that thing a toboggan? Or a luge? Or just a sled with a roof on it? I can’t tell.

8:05 PM GOddamn WHAT KIND OF SLED IS THAT? That things look bad-asser than a “mur-fuhr-ker”! Sounds really rickety, though… hope it’s okay. Or is that rattling sound the noisemakers of the onlookers?

8:04 PM PST: Dude I can’t even tell what sport this is, but that track looks scarier than a “mehr-fehr”! Is this the track where they had the horrible accident at the beginning of th eOlympics? Hope not.

8:03 PM PST: Arrggh can’t hear Costas b/c these people are talking in the apartment … keep it down guys: I only ask once every four years!!! It’s the OLYMPICS!!! Now Costas is taking us live to the “Sliding Center” or “Sledding CEnter” or something? It’s called “The Whistler?” I can’t hardly hear the television! Just goign on visuals–using my eyes to grasp information about sports (It’s my speciality)

8:02:32 PM PST: And we’re OFF! Bob Costas’s voice floats over the peaks … taking about Shani Davis and some other guys and gals … Costas has put on a necktie, but alas no pocket square … c’mon guys, are we serious about this or not?

8:02 PM PST: “And there’s his pursuit of history … another challenge …” (I think he’s talking about that speed skater guy who won the other night) …

8:01 PM PST: Olympics theme jingle rings out across the mountains … we’re in Seattle, just a few miles south of the Olympics (which are in Canada this year) … GET READY …

8:00 PM PST: Big time blog time … we’re doing this. Get ready for the OLYMPICS, one of the most famous sports festivals OF HISTORY!!!

11:00 PM PST: Okay, everyone. I gotta go. Thank you so much for supporting this west coast edition of MNFTIU OLYMPIC LIVEBLOGGING. Thanks to my west-coast hosts. I’ll blog again before you know it … please keep it locked to MNFTIU for all your Olympics needs! PEACE

10:59 PM PST: Know what? I don’t think McDonald’s commercial was made in America. I think it was made in Europe — and i should know, b/c I’ve seen it 100 times in the four days I’ve been blogging the olympics.

10:58 PM PST: Oh man someone should give me a gold medal for the dessert I just invented: Blueberry pie with crushed up chocolate fudge cookies on top. “Fuggedaboutit.” That was tasty as a mehfur.

10:47 PM PST: Just savoring the glory of the fact that people from my country did a good job to race their bobsled so fucking fast.

10:45 PM PST: Another day, another bobsled race. Here comes USA team. Big black bobsled. Looks lethal, like a stealth bomber raining death and destruction on evildoers. Currently ahead of Canada… .can they do this??? CAN THEY CAN THEY???USA in the lead???

10:44 PM PST: Bobsledding interview! My new favorite cultural phenomenon! “What were you doing in that sled?” “I was racing it.” “Did you have a good run?” “We got +.022 over the previous semifinalist, so we were happy.” “Great, God bless you and your bobsled.” “Praise God.”

10:43 PM PST: Excuse me ladies and gents, I’ll just need a few minutes to get excited about more bobsledding… (see you in 20,000 years)

10:40 PM PST: GREAT COMMERCIAL ABOUT MOMS from Proctor and Gamble. If my mom wasn’t crying at that, you must be crazy.

10:39:55 PM PST: Bob Costas: “The crafty Ohno advances.” Oh lord, not more bobsledding! The only reason they have this sport at the Olympics is b/c Bob Costas invented it! (Get it, “Bob(Costas)sledding?” GET IT? GET IT???)

10:39:50 Ohno advances … I hear mad crazy booing?

10:39 Damn Ohno schooled ‘em!

10:38 Oh snap Ohno! Oh snap!!! Ohno ohno

10:37 PM PST: Goddamn could those ice-skate blades be any longer and more gold and deadly looking?

10:36 And they’re OFF! This is Apolo Ohno’s big race. If he wins, the King of Olymipcs will let his family live.

10:35 Roller-derby-grade drama on the ice course. not sure I approve. Are they all gonna skate with fake names now? And yet ANOTHER false start? guys, let’s get it together. It’s the Olymipcs, yo.

10:34 What happened with CElski? Crazy stuff. maybe he’s in the wrong sport. He should be in that other winter sport– the one that looks kinda like his last name: SKI(ing).

10:34 Celski DISQUALIFIED!!!! he threw the guy off! MIND-BLOWING!!!!

10:33 Incredible so-motion replays.

10:31 PM PST: This race is going well, so far no crashes. No bad language on th eice, please remember. making his move … creeping up … trying to pass. . the american is trying to break away inside….SHOVED THE DUDE OFF HIS ASS??? Crowd is booing like a madman!!! Replay … JR Celski’s foe was gettin’ cozy all up in that butt …

10:29 PM PST: HOw about that guest-blogger, huh? She did a good job. Liveblogging is harder than it looks– it takes a deep knowledge of whatever you’er blogging about. And you have to be a good fast typist. and know how to spell everyhtint correclt.y

10:28 PM PST: Short-form speed skating! Let’s go! They should have an ice-skating race that’s only 5 feet long, or 1/20th of one lap.

10:27 PM PST: Okay, what did I miss? Dutch people celebrating the victory of an ice-skater. “Only in the Olympics, ladies and gentlemen!”

10:24 PM PST: David here. Back in charge. Time to restore the brand. Thanks to special assistant blogger SL for helping out. Not sure how much Oly-info she gave you, but have no fear: I”M BACK. On the other hand, she blogged for free. And I appreciate it. “You are apprciated.” Now … game ON

10:22 PM he is reclining and concerned about how he looks in the photos. olympics are yesteryear

10:21 PM david is getting too comfortable not blogging i can TELL

10:21 PM sexy black boots woof woof

10:17 PM what is this? david says it is a mini-documentary about the mounties… our attention is divided between the mini-doc and the photos (well they are really, really into the photos, especially the ones we took tonight, and some of katherine’s nephew) — i feel lonely watching the mounty thing. nice bright red outfits.

10:17 PM info about canada.

10:16 PM armchairs and a fireplace and a chat.

10:14 PM david says (he is looking at photos of me and katherine from a trip) “write down on the blog that you guys are still friends!” and now he tells me “write about canada is winning the gold medal”–ooh that guy singing oh canada is cute. david says he is the one who went so crazy…

10:09 PM i feel some pressure to say something about the next race. katherine and david are talking about relationships. this is difficult and i’m going on break!!

10: 06 PM a new race. those guys aren’t really watching it. can i get them to turn their attention towards the television? i like this kind of racing how they touch the ice with their fingertips. those guys are talking about having a film night.

10:04 PM katherine is showing david photos during the commercial. “this is my weekend last weekend.” (the commercial is for safeway.)

10:03 PM david is eating soup and i sarah am your guest blogger for the next couple of minutes. katherine is sorting her photos. no olympics are on.

9:57 PM Top o’ the hour soup break …

9:56 PM PST: “Can you just reach out and pinch his butt?” (One of our party, re: the rules for speed-skating)

9:55 HOW can five guys run in a circle on the ice like that without poking each other’s eyes out with their deadly ice-skates on their feet? “Will wonders ever cease?” They sometimes look like they’re doing roller derby, the famous smash-em-up game.

9:54 PM PST: Here comes more hot speed-skating! FALSE START??? What is this, amateur hour? (Well, technically, yes, for Olympians must be amateurs [I think]) Goddamn ANOTHER false start? What is this, a Hollywood woman’s bosom? (b/c they all have false breasts out there)

9:49 PM PST Conchords-guy in the lead, Ohno in third, two anonymous dudes fill inthe rest . These dues are allowed to touch the ice? “What’s happened to standards?” Oh shit Ohno creepin’ up … advances to next round … which is called the “Semis,” whatever that means (I never understood that stuff: Semifinal, Quarterfinal, etc., how about we just call it all “Fun adventures” and leave it at that?)

9:47 PM PST Here comes Apolo Ohno, whose name I think I have spelled correctly for the first time. Holy shit his dad looks badder-asser than a “murg-furg.” And now we got some Flight of the Conchords-lookin’ dude trying to take the crown from him! Four nations compete on the track .. four teams vie for the gold … one liveblogger tries to capture the action … and WE’RE OFF

9:45:40 PM PST: Seattle people! Did you just see that commercial for the hot-tub company??? How many freakin’ jets and nozzles did that hot-tub have??? OMG that was off the HOOK

9:45 PM “Short track skating is chaos on the ice.” (My new quote)

9:42 PM PST: Lindesy Vonn being interviewed about “How do you ski so fast? What’s your favorite ski? What songs do you like about skiing? Do you ever drink wine when you’re racing down the mountain?” I WISH THOSE WERE the questions — back to you Bob Costas, talking about how Andrea Fischbacher’s great grandpappy invented skiing or some such trivia. now he’s all like, “The weather affects how people race on the ski-slopes.” Really? I’m skeptical.

9:41 PM PST: Just had an interesting conversation with our host about rearranging her furniture so she can look out the window better. Losing interest in skiing.

9:39 I love Brooke Shields’ colgate toothpaste commercial. No way is that her real house, right? That’s gotta be a fake bathroom.

9:37 I love that “T. Maze won Silver in Super-G.” Could that sound more like a track Lil Wayne does a guest-verse on?

9:34 PM PST: This skier is “T. Maze.” GREAT NAME. It’s like if you get lost inside a hedge row inside T. Pain. WWHOA WHOA WAIT did T Pain just take the gold from Fischerbacker??? What’s going on? I muted the TV so not sure what the announcers are saying. Jus tusing my eyes to get information and I can’t tell what’s what b/c all the skiers look the same. What Happened? Now Chelsea Marshall is up, looking like she don’t take no shit in her official olympic photo. She looks like a bus driver, no offense — just gives off that “no nonsense, get on the bus” vibe– but today? SHE IS A SKI-DRIVER, and the fare-price is ONE GOLD MEDAL. (j/k no way is she getting the gold b/c she just crashed realy, real, hard.) Ouch glad that wasn’t a bus.

9:32 PM PST: Mandatory disclosure: I am watching the Olympics with my gals Katherine and Sarah. Katherine is recovering Facebook addict; please do not contact her via Facebook for 7 days. This is not a joke.

9:30 PM PST: Who’s going to the Harry Potter Wizard theme park with me? Can you really ride a broom through the sky?

9:28 PM PST: Now yet another person is racing. This person’s name is “Paerson.” That’s pretty cool. think about, guys: A person = Paerson. It’s called an anagram, homes. Get used to it. Whoa I just got incredibly bored with all this skiing. Why dont’ they jsut show figure-skating every day all day? Didn’t we decide a few nights ago that figure skating was the best?

9:27 PM PST: Is this event really called “Super G?” Huh?

9:26 PM MPST: Fischbacher takes the lead over Vonn? Are you kidding me? With that slapdash jump where she almost landed on the end of her skis??? Amazing– but the clocks don’t lie. the time is the time. And the rules are the rules. Vonn is no longer in the lead! Fischbacher is in the lead! “The student is the master, and the master is the student.”

9:24 PM PST: Can anyone beat Vonn? this woman name Fischbacher is going to try … using her skis. She’s going down the hill … had a bit o’ wee trouble … “She’s not panicking” .. neither am I — God has a plan for each of us, so just lay back and chill…

9:23 PM PST: We went with a nice Manhattan for a drink. Thanks for everyone’s suggestions. Bloody Mary was voted down as not a dinner drink…

9:21 PM PST: While I was eating my soup, Lindsey Vonn went on her skis.

9:11 PM PST: Soup break! Soup break! THe soup is ready …

9:09 PM PST: Here comes the German Riesch … previous warrior champion … she was out of bounds… they must have big leg muscles to go on their skis! I liker her rainbow outfit. Those would be some killer pajamas.

9:08 PM PST: Also, I prefer drinks that aren’t too sweet. Are there any drinks that have pepper in them? (Seriously)

9:07 PM PST: Reader NF recommends sloe gin fizz for my next drink. But we don’t have soda water. Any other suggestions?

9:06 PM PST: No, Cyndi Lauper. Please.

9:04 PM PST: Next up? E. Brydon, another skier of gender. She just bumped into a flag or fence-post or whatever … she’s Canadian, which makes her the home-town favorite. BIG SMASH BIG CRASH she just biffed it right where Mancuso did, but instead of jsut going out-of-bonds, she made a fat face-plant into the ice “Ouch, that’s brutal!” <—–announcer

9:02 PM PST: Here comes J. Mancuso, going down the mountain so fast. Wait a minute, didn’t we see this a few days ago? Is this a new kind of ski-race or what? Maybe it’s longer? Or has more squiggles in it? Uh oh, Mancuso went off-course… too much speed, too much passion … can’t obey society’s rules … like a wild animal uncaged … she will be penalized for her transgression on the slopes … expect an angry fax from Vatican City …

9:01 PM PST: “American Ski Divas” time for some “FEMALE SKI WARS”

Just off the phone with the National Weather Center … I’ve been told there’s a 50% chance of liveblogging along the West Coast tonight …

Stay tuned … weather center is going crazy about the upcoming weblogging storm …

I’m liveblogging TONIGHT — at True/Slant. You can comment! GO HERE GO HERE GO HERE