Greetings from Wine-Shop City, USA! I just had my first customer of the day … they bought a whole case of wine! “I gotta feeling … that tonight’s gonna be a good night …” (Sing in Black-Eyed Peas voice.)

For those who are tired of my wine-blogging and yearn for the cudgel-over-the-head subtlety and featherweight wit of my political musings, go here.

Yowch! “That’s gotta hurt.”

Hey guys, sorry for the light blogging recently.

I’ve started a new series over at True/Slant called “Punchline Poll.” It’s a democratically valid way of writing jokes! I’d really appreciate it if you’d participate and forward to your friends. Thanks!

Talk soon,
David

Howdy! I’m not in the wine store today … it’s the busy season what with the holidays, so the owners have decided to be in the shop every day.

I’m at home right now, listening to the radio and wondering what to do with my life … sniff, sniff, wine store, I miss you … I miss all your beautiful bottles … of wine (of course) … how will my beloved customers fare without me? … how will they know which wines are red and which ones are white … I need a new gig … who runs a wine store that I can work in? … I’ll email my resume … it will be SCENTED WITH WINE …

Everybody please charter a bus and come to this show! You can crash at my cabin afterwards.

Hooray, can’t wait for Saturday night! The LOLs will ring out across the lower Hudson Valley …

Attorney General Eric Holder’s decision to try 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in New York City is proving more controversial than the Obama administration anticipated.

Liberals assume that granting KSM a civilian trial will show off the “ideals” of the “American justice system”– which is more important than maintaining the safety of New York City residents.

Everybody else realizes the obvious fact that trying these terrorist fiends in the very city where they flew planes into 9/11 will lead to more terror.

Here’s how it works: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will take the stand in his own defense. Instead of answering the prosecution’s questions (“Where were you on the morning of 9/11?” “What happened to Osama bin Laden?”), this bearded devil will insult the victims of 9/11, denounce America, and call for more terror attacks to distract New Yorkers while he breaks out of prison. However, he will say all these things in the secret Muslim language, so we won’t realize that he’s putting us in danger.

While the court scrambles to translate his rantings and ravings, KSM will switch to English … to spout pro-jihadist propaganda that seduces all who hear it.

“Cover your ears! Cover your ears!” yells the quick-thinking bailiff, but for some, it’s too late: KSM has instantly converted members of the jury to jihad. They will recuse themselves from jury duty, throwing the entire process into jeopardy!

The judge barks, “Order in the court! Order in the court!” but the terrorist mastermind will ignore him, saying “I only answer to Allah, the magnificent sun god of my people!” This will make New Yorkers so scared, they’ll start whimpering and crying. The fiend will say, “Ah ha, look at you all shuddering beneath my mighty power! Death to America!”

Then he will turn his wild eyes to the judge and hypnotize him: “Judge, look into my eyes … you are growing sleepy … sleepy … give me your little wooden mallet … yes, yes … now I hold the mallet … NOW I’M BASHING YOUR HEAD IN WITH YOUR WOODEN MALLET!!!”

As the courtroom screams in terror at the judge’s brains flying all over the room, KSM will vault out of the witness box holding the judge’s mallet like the mighty Thor. He’ll pound the mallet against the floor: “By the power of Asgard, grant me strength!” Then his muscles will grow super-huge and his robes will turn blindingly white and his beard will turn into a writhing tangle of snakes chanting “The Yankees sssuck!”

New Yorkers will scream and scatter as KSM breaks through the brick walls of the courthouse and begins a murderous rampage on the streets of Manhattan. And we will all be powerless to stop him, because he’s an invincible terrorist mastermind!

Why didn’t I hear this two years ago when it came out?

If this flags me as an old man, pass the Metamucil– I love this jam.

“Spell it backwards, I’ma leave it at that.” LOL. Chuck D! It’s kinda hard these days to remember/understand how incredible Public Enemy were “back in the day.” Jay-Z and Kanye and blah blah are all great and famous, whatever, but they’re fundamentally conservative: Cars, jewelry, power– they might as well be interns at National Review. They’re not really dangerous. Same with the best MC going: MF Doom. I love Doom, but he’s like the Wes Anderson of MC’s. Nobody’s scared of him. Public Enemy, though? They were insane. Totally angry, totally political, totally FAMOUS … with the longest song titles this side of Morrissey.

Also, whose voice commands more respect than Chuck D? Maybe Biggie, maybe Rakim, KRS-One … but who else? Jay-Z? Please. Listen to how awesome Chuck D sounds on this track. It literally made me LOL when I ran this youtube video through my stereo, he sounded so bad-ass.

My friends and I were recently reminiscing about a Public Enemy show we saw in Chapel Hill back in 1990. It was at the Cat’s Cradle (tiny rock club); they were touring in support of Fear of a Black Planet. It was a Sunday afternoon. Umm … did they set it off very hard? Gee, I can’t remember. Was it pretty quiet? Hmm … yeah, it was quiet. Really quiet. There were like fifty-nine S1W’s lock-stepping on stage while Flava Flav crowd-surfed through the packed club and Chuck D ripped the mic so so so so so hard. Basically, my friends and I were reminiscing about how it was one of the weakest shows we’ve ever seen … LOL … things got pretty sane when they dropped “Fight the Power” … club was quiet … we were sad …

I even remember the first time I ever heard Public Enemy. (Someday I’ll post a list of all the musicians so mind-blowing to me that I literally remember the first time I heard them.) It was on WXYC’s (UNC radio station) show “Inside Track” when they played Yo! Bum Rush the Show in its entirety. At first I thought it was Schoolly-D. So mesmerizing with the broken alarm-clock beats and political lyrics.

Okay, so that’s it for this blog post! Basically, the main thesis is: Thank God for Public Enemy.

If you live in New York, please come to this fun show! Lotsa LOL-makers onstage …

Eugene Mirman, Todd Barry, Jonathan Ames, etc. etc.

The Rumpus And Tin House Present
A Night at The Highline
Highline Ballroom
431 W 16th St
New York, NY 10011
between 9th and 10th Ave
(212) 414-5994
7:00 PM
$10

We’re gonna kick it!

I studied philosophy in college (I kinda sucked at it), but one of the great things about the analytic tradition (it’s what all the British dudes were into) was the emphasis placed on precise language.

Basically, Rudy Giuiliani is the AJ Ayer of terror.

On a conference all with reporters just now, Rudy Giuliani said there was one thing about Attorney General Eric Holder’s decision to bring terror suspects to New York City he could stand fully behind.

“I was glad to see Holder say ‘we’re at war,’” Giuliani said on the RNC-sponsored call. “I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists.”

Read more about the Wittgensteinian sensibility undergirding Giuliani’s analysis.

More thoughts here.

Every so often I get an email like this one from reader PR:

OK, I know Heroes is old news, and not very good anyway, but I was watching it on Netflix recently and was struck by how much Sylar looks like you. Anyone ever mentioned that before?

Answer: Yes. Last summer I was hiking in Colorado (actually, eating a sandwich on top of a rock) and a family started gawking at me and asked me if I knew that I “looked like Sylar on ‘Heroes.’” I said yes, because a few months earlier a friend had asked me if anyone had ever asked me if I knew that I looked sorta like Sylar on “Heroes.” I guess the same actor who plays this Sylar character also played Dr. Spock in the recent Star Trek movie, because after that movie came out, people asked me if anyone had ever told me that I looked like the guy who played Spock on “Star Trek” who looks like the guy who plays Sylar on “Heroes.”

Guys, I don’t know anything about “Heroes.” I saw the ads in the subway a few years ago, but that’s all I know. I think it’s about people who were irradiated by 9/11 and gained super powers? And one of the characters, a guy named Sylar, I guess his super power is that he looks kind of like a political cartoonist.

Hey guys, it’s time for another PUNCHLINE POLL!

Vote early, vote often! Polls close next Wednesday.

This week’s joke is about Sarah Palin’s book tour. You can read the joke and vote on your favorite punchline here.

Today’s one of the busiest wine days of the year … so you KNOW where I’m at … I’m at the wine shop!!! I’m totally psyched; never worked “The Big Day” before … gonna be busy all day … people need wine to go with their turkeys (b/c of Thanksgiving, the famous holiday) …

Take a deep breath, and let’s do this …

Did you know wines have acidity? What’s the world coming to?

Somebody just bought two cases of wine … I was like, “Party at your house!” … just kidding, I treat all customers with professionalism and discretion … but seriously, two cases, that’s awesome! I bet he actually is having a party at his house …

It’s all about wine … someone just bought a half case … it was my pleasure to give them a 10% discount … “and you can take that to the bank– the WINE bank.”

Jackson Five on the wine store radio … people buying wine … we’re moving bottles … let’s do this …

So I invented an amazing sandwich this afternoon at the wine shop: Tuna, kale, tomatillo salsa, and hot sauce … so delicious and refreshing … I made a version for the wine shop owner and SHE LOVED IT … and she even went to the CIA (the food one, not the torture one), so she knows what she’s talking about … and she said “Why don’t you blog about your sandwich?” (she knows about my little blog) … and the rest is history … I made a sandwich and everyone loves it and I’m the greatest of all time …

The wine shop is open until 8:00 PM tonight … basically it’s gonna be a total rave … just found out from the owner that we’re flying in THE ORB to play a live set … (joke) … but seriously, does anyone remember that band? … they were a big rave band, I think … I saw them in England once, at an outdoor music festival in a field … yes, it’s true, I’ve had  an interesting life … you people think you know me, but you don’t … because did you even know that I used to drive a Volkswagen hatchback in high school, and it didn’t even have a radio? … “pay attention, you might learn something …”

Just sold a bottle of 2009 Madone Beaujolais Nouveau … I was able to recommend it to a customer because I drank some the other night … so fresh and tasty … I think “nouveau” means that the grapes are brand new, like they were just on the vine like three weeks ago … and now they’re all up in some bottle of wine … what will they think of next … let’s do this, let’s sell all the wine … it’s the holidays, we’re poppin’ bottles … “make it rain on ‘em…” Man, what if Lil Wayne came in here and bought some wine, how amazing would that be? … guess who’d blog about it? … ME …

Holy smokes, I’ve never seen anything like this … insanity … so many bottles flying out of the shop … we are deep into “off the hook” territory … compass needles spinning every which way … chaos … highlight so far was hearing “Ooh Child” by the Five Stairsteps (?) pumping through the speakers while ringing  up a mixed case … “the good life …”

It got so busy I couldn’t blog. I don’t think that has ever happened before. And the shop is still standing … and there’s more wine to sell … so for now, I say “Happy Thanksgiving” and I will talk with you soon …

Turkmenistan is a country in Central Asia. They have lots of gas. Europe wants the gas to heat its bistros and cafes and tapas bars and whatnot. But Turkmenistan is a leeetle bit sketchy.

Ladies and gentlemen, do we have a moral dilemma on our hands???

No, I did not just randomly slap my hands against my computer keyboard … “Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov” is someone’s actual name … and that someone is the president of Turkmenistan!

Remember crazy ol’ Turkmenbashi, the “Daddy of Turkmenistan,” who re-named the months of the year after his family (true) and built a statue of himself that always rotates to face the sun (true) and all that stuff? Anyway, he died. And Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov has replaced him. Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov is not as harsh as Turkmenbashi, but he (Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov) still has some issues. Basically, Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov has promised a bunch of human rights reforms (haven’t we all) but has been a bit slow in actually gittin-r-done.

On the other hand, Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov recently met with Henry Kissinger at the Plaza Hotel! So maybe he’s serious about human rights after all, LOL!

LOL, this guy has mastered the subtle art of verbal diplomacy! Let’s drop him into the middle of delicate geopolitical negotiations and see what happens! “What kind of shitty name is Ashgabat?”

Hey everybody, this week’s PUNCHLINE POLL is now up and awaiting your vote at True/Slant. This week’s joke is called “The Afghan Classroom.”

Please take a minute to read the joke and vote on your favorite punchline! Winning punchline advances to next week’s joke!

Polls close Thursday evening.

Many thanks from your humble servant,
David Rees

I don’t like to brag, but I have the best dreams about celebrities of anyone I know. Close friends know about my infamous Pamela Anderson dream of a few years ago (trust me, it was intense) … others have heard me talk about my recent Lil Wayne dream (yes, I was hanging out with Lil Wayne, yes it was great).

And now, I’m pleased to report a new addition to the canon: Last night’s amazing dream about Hollywood superstar Sharon Stone!!!

Okay, so in the dream I had just finished mowing the yard. Sharon Stone helped me carry the lawn mower into my parents’ basement in North Carolina. No biggie, right? Then … umm … not sure how to put this … but Sharon Stone and I started KISSING ON THE LIPS in my parents’ basement!

After a few moments of ECSTASY, she said something like, “This is why I like kissing– because it keeps changing. At first when you kissed me, I thought ‘he’s not a very good kisser,’ but your more recent kisses have been really good.” (This is after kissing for all of ten seconds!)

WTF and LOL, right? “Tell me how you really feel, Sharon!”

And by the way, in case Sharon googles herself and is reading this … she should know that in my dream, her skin was really sweaty and kind of splotchy, so yeah … might want to look into getting a new dream-stylist.

But overall, a pretty cool dream! I was stoked! Because: Sharon Stone, people! “That’s how I roll.” Now China’s all mad at me, I bet.