If you’re like me, you don’t live in Minnesota. And yet you love and respect Norm Coleman because of his integrity and because of how his face looks, especially around the mouth area.

And if you’re like me, you wanted Norm to fight Al Franken all the way to the United States Supreme Court — and if that didn’t work out, all the way to the United Nations Emergency Court — and if that didn’t work out, all the way to the Thunderdome Court, where two men enter and one man leaves and the other man just stays in the Thunderdome.

Why is Norm Coleman giving up? Is this what our forefathers fought for? Is this what our neighbors are getting shot at in Iraq for? Is this what our future children’s friends will be getting attacked at from Chinese hillsides because of and/or for???

Where does it end? Will we stop having elections altogether, and just automatically let comedians and TV cocaine-heads be seated in Congress?

Where is the outrage? Meet me on the corner of Lafayette St. and 9th St. and I will SHOW YOU WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE.

Hello, just wanted to let my reader(s) know about an exciting event coming up, my first live appearance in over 6 months.

I’m going to give a lecture at Pete’s Candy Store in Brooklyn. The lecture will be about how to win the lottery, how to play the numbers, how to choose winning scratch tickets, etc.

This lecture will empower you to make money.

More details soon …

Thinking of starting a new band called “Baseballs of Coleman.” It would be a power trio consisting of myself (me) and two other people. Our songs would mostly be about the travesty going on in Minnesota, vis a vis activist judges deciding who wins elections and who loses elections, instead of letting the voters decide.

(The “Baseballs” in the name refers to the fact that our first video will be shot at the Romney sky box at Red Sox Field, after I win the essay contest.)

Our first song will be called, “Minnesota Voters, Rise Up and Be Counted.” I predict it will peak at #1 on the pop charts.

Hey guys, you know I don’t use this web site to brag … nobody wants to read a braggy blogger … but let me brag for one second and announce that my wife has a poem in the new issue of FENCE magazine! (One of the hottest literary journals around, twenty times better than NEWSWEEK.)

Anyway, the poem is wild and awesome. It’s on page 18, aka “The Page of Champions.”

We went to Barnes & Noble yesterday to see if the issue was out yet, and the kid was like, “I never heard of that magazine,” and I was like, “You will, punk!” And then today the issue came in the mail!

Another psychic experience from yours truly.

What’s up? Anybody seen any good videos lately?

Any … umm … normal videos, made by normal people?

State lotteries are great tools for financial empowerment. The key is to win one. I can help you do that. Please bring your used scratch tickets to next week’s lecture; I’ll help you figure out what you did wrong and why you didn’t win.

Let’s talk about pick-fours. This is one of the real growth sectors in the “picking the numbers” lifestyle. Very hot area. The rules are simple: Put down your money. Pick four numbers. Then watch the numbers and see if the ones you picked are the ones that show up in the thing.

When I’m picking a pick-four, I always pick at least one number with a four in it, just out of respect. I might go with:

12 - 99 - 43 - 71

That’s a good solid lineup, right there. You’ve got that “43” anchoring your collection, with the 4 in the tens place, immediately followed by that 3, which is less than 4, so it’s like 4 is dominating the entire 43, like, “You think 4 can’t dominate? Ask that 3 how it’s doing right there, it’s getting so dominated.” So 43 comes out swinging.

I picked a 71 to round it off on the strength of how badass 71 looks; I remember a few years ago “Number Pickers Digest” listed it as one of the top-twenty toughest-looking numbers under 100. You never mess with “Fat 71.”

As to the 12 and 99 that kick off the sequence: What can I say? Did I ever say I don’t like to have fun with the numbers? Good ol’ “Twizzler” (12) and “Naughty Ninety-Neener” (99)! They always just make me feel good, so I pick ’em when the mood strikes me, numbers-picking-them-wise.

Another good pick-four is:

12 - 99 - 43 - 72

. . . for many of the same reasons.

Next Monday’s lecture is my first live appearance in over 6 months, can you believe it?

And I am so ready to help you make money using common household tools like the lottery, the scratch ticket, and the bookie (chubby man who lets you buy numbers from him).

The more people who attend this lecture, the more lotteries we win, the more million-dollar-jackpots we grab, the more we stimulate the economy. See how it works?

Please tell your friends about this once-in-a-summer experience! This is what dreams are made of!

David Rees: “How To Pick The Numbers”
Financial Empowerment Lecture
Monday, July 13
7:30 PM
Pete’s Candy Store
Williamsburg, Brooklyn
FREE
NOTE: Please bring your used (and unused) scratch tickets.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Weekly Standard!

(W)e don’t know what (Sarah Palin) will do in the private sector. Will she write a thoughtful book? Become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a “must read” for everyone? Will she found an important new think tank? An important journal? Spearhead an effort to help the unemployed? Decide to launch a business? Or maybe she will start a new political party?

Allow me to answer all these questions:

No, no, no, no, no, no, and no.

Thank you!

LOL, “become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a ‘must-read’ for everyone?” This is one of the most LOL hypothetical questions of all time, just behind “What if Grand Funk Railroad were astronauts and they flew to the moon in a purple canoe and gave a free concert for Grover Cleveland’s vagina?”

I guarantee you 1,000% that Sarah Palin will not become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a “must-read” for everyone. I will give you my biggest, boldest guarantee– the iron-clad guarantee I only use on the most special occasions, when I really need to guarantee the shit out of something.

Just back from the gas station … you would not believe some of the things I saw! Doesn’t anyone know how to play the scratch tickets anymore? I thought this was America, land of the scratch ticket! What is this, communist China, land of randomly scratching every which way with no strategy?

“Don’t scratch the ticket unless you know where the money is,” that’s what my scratch yogi used to tell me.

Also: “The ultimate itch … is not to scratch.” He used to say that, too. Then he would burn all our scratch tickets right in front of our eyes, and say: “No more scratch tickets tonight. Go make me some soup.”

This was on top of a mountain, mind you, at a very exclusive scratch-ticket ashram.

I can’t wait to show you the secrets of winning scratch tickets at my lecture on Monday! Please let twitter know about it!

Interesting email from reader ZS:

When I start to type in “mnftiu.cc” in the address bar in google chrome, after I finish typing “mn” the first address chrome suggests is “www.lottery.state.mn.us.” COINCIDENCE?

Hmm, let’s see … I am the world’s authority on lotteries and scratch tickets … google chrome is the hottest new search engine … I called google last week and told them to change all mnftiu-related web sites to lottery-related sites out of respect for me …

It’s not a coincidence, ZS, it’s good ol’-fashioned marketing. Cyber-marketing, that is.

The only “coincidence” is when I teach you how to take Minnesota for all their lottery money next Monday. PLEASE TELL YOUR FACE-BOOK FRIENDS ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY!

While doing some research on lottery tickets, I came across this amazing press release from last summer. Seems the great state of Nebraska is on the cutting edge of lotto/scratch-innovation:

Nebraska Lottery Launches Hybrid Scratch/Lotto Ticket

June 12, 2008 – The Nebraska Lottery has launched its first hybrid Scratch and Lotto ticket, $10 Lucky Numbers.

The Lucky Numbers Scratch game features a top prize of $150,000 as well as $1.7 million in total cash prizes. Additionally, each Lucky Numbers ticket contains a perforated bonus area with the chance to win a barcoded coupon for a free $1 Nebraska Pick 5 Lotto play. Lucky Numbers is the first hybrid ticket offered by the Nebraska Lottery that combines the instant win features of a Scratch game with the opportunity to win a Lotto jackpot of $50,000 or more.

A couple thoughts: FIRST, if you let me within 500 feet of one of these tickets, the odds of winning are 1 in 1. I’ve been waiting for a scratch/lotto hybrid my whole life. I must have played the simulation in my head 10,000 times. The only reason I’m not on a plane to Nebraska right now (lucky-scratchin’ penny in hand) is because I don’t want to bankrupt the state.

SECOND, when is the rest of the country gonna follow Nebraska’s lead? It’s time to step up and embrace hybrid technology! I can’t believe we live in the 21st century, yet lottery agencies and scratch agencies are still issuing separate tickets!!! This is an outrage! If we don’t adapt and evolve, this ol’ ball of laughing gas we call “The Planet Earth” will be doomed.

Call your representative in Congress and demand hybrid ticket technology NOW! Go to your gas station, your bodega — wherever you buy your scratch tickets — and ask the proprietor when they plan on switching over to 100% hybrid. It’s up to us!

This reminds me of the old saying my old scratch-sensei used to say: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single scratch. So get scratchin’ on them tickets. Then bring me some soup.”

I’m gonna see if Thomas Friedman will write a column about this issue … might help move the debate forward …

Have a great weekend!

Thanks to everyone who came to Pete’s Candy Store last night for the financial empowerment lecture. Turnout was better than expected, so it may take awhile for everyone to receive their tote bag full of money.

I’d also like to apologize for those moments where I came down with a case of the “Jimmy Fallons.” I know I shouldn’t have giggled so much … it’s just that when I think of how much money people can make using my system, I get caught up in the spirit of laughter. So happy to share my gifts with you!

I’m going to polish my presentation and take it on the road in a big truck and hit all the towns in this great land of ours. Please let me know if you want to come along, or if you own a big truck, or if you know where all the towns are.

“Scratch-A-Million Billionaires For Life.”

Let’s have one day where everyone in America (except Lloyd Blankfein) is on a yoga retreat!

This guy was going to take some time off between jobs and do yoga, and now he’s totally living the full-time yoga dream.

Obviously, the economy didn’t cooperate, but Mr. Odnoha doesn’t mind. Now he spends his days on the Himalayan Institute’s 400-acre wooded campus, practicing hatha yoga and meditation, studying spiritual texts, biking, walking and preparing meals in the institute’s kitchen. In exchange for his cooking duties and an annual fee of $3,000, he gets a private room, three vegetarian meals a day and unlimited access to the institute’s classes, seminars and other events.

Downward-facing Dow!

LOL, a little yoga-financial joke, there. Maybe I’ll write more and sell them to an ashram in exchange for free classes.

10:00 AM: Great line of questioning, I think we’re getting to the essential point of Brown Vs. Firemen …

10:02 AM: Cracking under pressure? Senator Grackle seems to have hit a nerve … cameras going crazy …

10:09 AM: Good point from Senator Msdfas: “How can you promise to interpret judicial statutes without restraint of SCOTUS law?” … Expect to hear more of this in the “spin room” …

10:12 AM: Sotomayor: “Prior conviction of habeas corpus does not preclude oscillating tort nebulae…” … expect right-wingers to have a field day with this … goes against their interpretation of the 2nd Amendment protection to privacy …

10:17 AM: Senator Uadlkjhq coming back to issue of Roe V. Wade: “Will you admit that this is the only thing that matters in the entire universe? WILL YOU ADMIT THAT???” … chaos in the chamber … Code Pink members literally performing abortions on each other in protest …

11:51 AM: These hearings need some PASSION, some HEAT … even the bailiff looks bored …

11:58 AM: Judge Grassley calls the first witness: “I call Ms. Sotomayor to the stand!”

11:59 AM: BAILIFF CONFISCATES NUNCHUCKS … deadly ninja fighting sticks … chaos in the courtroom … Code Pink whips out throwing stars, goes buck-wild …

12:05 PM: A new line of questioning about judicial terms from Senator Wavdljkrh: “What’s the difference between a metaphor and a simile? I have a friend who wants to know.” Sotomayor: “A metaphor is the same as a simile. Anyone who bothers to make a distinction is an idiot…” MORE CHAOS … Code Pink is screaming metaphors at the top of their lungs …

12:06 PM: Judge Grassley: “Order in the court! Order in the court!” … Looks around for his little wooden hammer (you know, that thing they knock against the desk to make everyone be quiet)… “Where’s my little wooden hammer?” … Someone says something about the 5th Amendment: “I cannot tell a lie, ask someone else…”

12:07 PM: Little wooden hammer has been found. BANG BANG BANG BANG, he’s going crazy with it …

12:10 PM: LUNCH BREAK. They ran out of pastries. I eat the rest of my butter.

12:20 PM: “As a general proposition, if the amendment is incorporated, can we get a legal ruling that says I’m the best senator?” — asked by Senator Kwepoihga. One of the cameramen rolls his eyes almost imperceptibly … but I notice … nothing escapes my live-blogging …

12:46 PM: My favorite senator, Senator Graham (Cracker, LOL), makes a great point about the Second Amendment: “America unlike a lot of other countries, has a unique relationship with the Second Amendment” (paraphrasing) … No shit, you dingbat, it’s our amendment … why would Luxembourg give a shit about the second amendment … they have their own amendments … OK, now I’m actually live-blogging … something about one of the 9/11 guys … couldn’t follow it … now he’s talking about civilian law and criminal law … “Can we hold them without trial?” (paraphrasing) … blah blah courts and laws and whatnot … Geneva convention … civilian courts … “that’s not the law. If we have a pilot in the hands of the enemy…” What happens if you don’t wear a uniform when you attack us … do they get a better deal than regular soldiers … because of the law … enemies … “passage of time” … Sotomayor is talking now … saying something about laws …

Thanks to reader SM for alerting me to the sad news: I didn’t win the Mitt Romney essay contest.

Where is justice? Did justice take a holiday? Did anyone do more to hype this contest than me? There was a $50 entry fee, you know … I probably brought in $10,000 for Romney’s Free and Strong America PAC.

Hmm, let’s take a look at the winning essay:

What does a free and strong America mean to me?

It means I have the right to follow my dreams, to strive for success, to be innovative, to do as I, the individual sees fit …

Actually, I can’t make fun of the winning essay. Know why? Because it was literally written by a child, and this blog has a “no-making-fun-of-children” policy, even when said child is probably being raised in a basement by G. Gordon Liddy.

More analyses of the winning essays to follow …

Even MORE no justice? How much more no justice can we take? Thanks to everyone who forwarded this Jamba Juice advertisemo-tainment:

This is an online animated video about going on some kind of stupid “Jamba Juice vacation” in your cubicle.

Couple things:

1. “Bob?” You violated the first law of the GYWO clip art!!! THESE DUDES DON’T HAVE NAMES. It’s “Accounts Receivable” and “Accounts Payable” and that’s IT.

2. The clip art is public domain, of course, anyone can do anything with it … but check out the word balloons! JAMBA JUICE TOTALLY BIT MY GYWO WORD BALLOON STYLE! Rounded-edge text box with single line pointing to mouth? I developed that in 2001 using Quark XPress 4!!! THAT’S MY SHIT!!! Jamba Juice, you’re a bunch of BALLOON-BITERS.

3. First person to sue Jamba Juice on my behalf CAN KEEP ALL THE MONEY. All I care about is destroying Jamba Juice and their overpriced dumb-ass juices. EAT A PIECE OF FRUIT, you morons, you’re missing most of the fiber.

4. Whoever made this ad is probably a 22 year-old “creative” at some ad agency in Tech Valley, CA. Way to think outside the box, sonny. Have fun snorting cocaine at the nightclub you go to with your friends who work at Twitter or wherever. And no, Adult Swim will NOT buy your stupid cartoon you’re developing with your housemates about four guys who work at an ad agency but are secretly lobsters.

Goddamn, I need to get Code Pink on the case about this. I’ll take this shit to the Supreme Court and live-blog my own lawsuit. Judge Sotomayor better side with me.

BOYCOTT JAMBA JUICE!

JUICE SUCKS, DRINK WINE

(I’m going to organize a national boycott and DAY OF ACTION for next week. STAY TUNED.)

Justice keeps getting more and more “no.” Here are the best sentences from the winning Mitt Romney essays:

1. “The ultimate and real strength of America lies not in her military might or economic prosperity — but in her families and faith in God. American families face unprecedented attacks from higher tax burdens, welfare policies that reward illegitimacy and activist judges who want to re-define marriage.” –Runner-up Thomas Ginster (he gets a baseball signed by Mitt Romney, the lucky devil)

2. “Whatever challenges may confront us, I sense that we will triumph even still.”
–Runner-up Lt. Eric Russell (currently serving in Iraq; I guess they’ll send his signed baseball to his Forward Operating Base? Get it? “Base”-ball?)

3. “Like my father before me, I am proud to call the United States my home.”
–Can’t argue with Runner-up Yolanda Bryant!

4. “Freedom is not an end, but an on-going commitment to action … to safeguard all that is precious to us –- family, fundamental principles of truth, and a divinely-appointed duty to fight for the right.”
–Putting this on a bumper sticker TONIGHT. Credit to Runner-up Nanci Wudel, who, by the looks of her photo, is a professional freedom-essay-contest writer.

Still can’t believe these people entered the essay contest even after I explicitly told everyone on the internet not to enter. Bah!

Oh snap, hometown heroes Merge Records are turning “XX” this year!!! (That’s the indie-rock-hobo-symbol for “20.”)

I grew up in Chapel Hill so I know all about Merge Records and all the records they put out. I even have some old 7″ singles from classic NC bands like Zen Frisbee, Bicycle Face (were they on Merge or Moist? Can’t remember), and Jodeci.

LOL, remember when Jodeci was on Merge? Those shows at the Cradle were amazing. I remember once when Bicycle Face opened up for Jodeci, that show was off the hook. (I guarantee for the .04 people who understand that joke, it is the greatest joke of all time.)

Also, remember when Erectus Monotone and Jodeci put out that split 7″ single? Amazing, both bands recorded live at Duck Kee studios, amazing session. I think Evil Weiner wanted in on the action, but the guys in Jodeci didn’t like Evil Weiner’s Christmas shows at the Hard Back Cafe and so they put the kibosh on it.

I remember that each Merge record came with a little slip of paper inside it, where Mac would type something like, “Hope everyone likes this new James Taylor single, we think it’s awesome, it’s called ‘Fire and Rain,’ pump it up and ROCK! Here’s what we’re listening to these days … (and then he’d list the most obscure pop bands on Earth and you’d feel like an idiot for not knowing what he was talking about, like, “The Feelies?” What’s that? Why are all the bands from New Zealand all of a sudden?)

Anyway, let’s celebrate Mac and Laura’s accomplishment by posting youtube videos of some of my favorite Merge jams. (Remember, as I have explained countless times, my musical knowledge basically stops at 1996.)

Here’s a classic, from one of my favorite indie rock albums:

Good ol’ Polvo. I have the version of this album with the lions on the cover that had to be recalled because they stole the image from the Mormon Church(?) or something. Anyway, I wore out that CD.

More Merge memories to come …

Okay, so last week I posted about Jamba Juice biting my style in their amoral quest to sell juice.

Some of my high-powered twitter friends took that ball and ran with it, and now all of the internet is lining up to support me in my war against Jamba Juice, the worst juice franchise in all of America!

Look at what all these nice people are saying.

James Urbaniak:

I’ve enjoyed many a Jamba Juice (I forgive you –ed.) so I was disappointed to learn that their current marketing campaign features a blatant ripoff of David Rees’s detournement classic Get Your War On. Rees, of course, is appropriating free stock images but the Jamba Juice campaign is not doing the same thing. They are appropriating what Rees does with those images, right down to the way he renders his word balloons. I have no idea how the case would hold up in intellectual property court and Rees says on his website he’s not interested in legal action (only a boycott). But it’s plain as day: Jamba Juice ripped him off. (My emphasis)

Okay, umm… actually I was hoping to post, like, 100 blog posts of outraged super-fans promising to march and protest until the streets run red with raspberry-grabble-berry frost, or whatever crazy-ass juice they’re selling over at Jamba Junk. But I haven’t really seen many blog posts about this insane crime yet.

So if you see a blog post re: My war with Jamba Juice, please let me know and I’ll post it here!

My goal is to make mnftiu.cc the definitive source for news about my war with Jamba Juice!

Know hope.

We are gonna shut down Jamba Juice with a National Day of Prayer. Stay tuned for details!

Know hope.

No juice.

(NOTE: I’m going to stop typing out J-A-M-B-A Juice because I don’t want to drive their “google hit-ranking,” or “technorati page count,” or “twitter-hit buzz #surging,” or whatever popularity algorithm their online marketing consultants use to justify their outrageous fees.)

I’ve received some nice emails from readers about the intellectual crimes of Jarpa Juice. Thought I’d share them with you, to keep you FIRED UP and MOTIVATED for the upcoming war! (Because this war will not be quick, and it will not be fun, and it will not even be ironically amusing. We are in for a long slog. We are taking down a national juice company, i.e. Jhumpa Lahiri Juice.)

From reader NL:

I can understand that you’re displeased with [REDACTED JUICE COMPANY], but I don’t see why you have to call for suing them. The way I see it, you’ve been loaning your site’s bandwidth to Karate Snoopy for YEARS. I say, hit the dude up for a favor. Have him whoosh over to [REDACTED JUICE COMPANY] corporate and start kicking people in the face. Just let me know if he agrees to do it, please; it’d be an excellent time to invest heavily in ambulance futures. (People who understand this reference are my kind of people –ed.)

From reader DD:

I’m sure you get this all the time, but I’ve been literally reading your shit since mnftiu.cc was just a pink picture of the skewed-ass dude at the computer, and you could only choose fighting or filing. Maybe it was only fighting at the time. (this was back in 2000 –ed.) ALL IM sayin is that i remember when the normal man feat. karate snoopy strip (”Karate Klassic”) was the FRESH SHIT…. I also was finally moved to write to you after all these years ever since I logged on at work today to find this FUCKING TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE aka [REDACTED JUICE COMPANY] appropriation/rip off extravaganza 2k9 edition. I know how fucked that shit is. And I also know who the real OG is. Never give up.

I will never give up! As long as I have breath, I will complain to everyone I meet about the lazy, disingenuous appropriation of my cartooning style by the goofballs over at Jabba Juice!!!

KNOW HOPE.

Okay, so I was talking a big game about a National Day of Prayer against Jurmbah Juice, and then I realized I don’t really know how to organize an event like that.

Do we all have to be praying in the space place, or can we pray in the privacy of our own homes? Should we all converge on a Jlobby Juice franchise in Manhattan, and pray at the top of our lungs– and pray and pray until the whole place is empty because of how fervently we’re praying? And then move on to the next one…?

… and just pray our way across America, destroying Jumby Juice franchises left and right, leaving a trail of prayerful destruction in our wake?

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. I’ll rent a big bus and be in touch …

This modern-day David vs. Goliath tale has captured the imagination of the blogosphere!

ComicsAlliance.com:

David Rees, who created the scathing post-9/11 clip art webcomic “Get Your War On,” recently brought our attention to a Jamba Juice advertising campaign that totally, totally rips off the strip. I don’t just mean it uses stock images in a similarly ironic fashion, I mean that it uses exactly the same clip art in exactly the same way…. Rees has called for a boycott of Jamba Juice, so you can do your part by putting down the smoothie and instead of giving them money, give them the mockery that they so richly deserve. (My emphasis)

Timothy Buckwalter:

Yeah, I’m an appropriationist. I take other people’s drawings and twist them into my paintings…. Shepard Fairey, Richard Prince and Jeff Koons have been involved with the legal or court systems over their appropriation….

I’m all for appropriation. 

Except when this happens: a corporation hires a snappy ad agency that makes something in the style of a cool artist.

In this case, Emeryville’s Jamba Juice has aped the hilariously drowl work of David Rees. Actually, “aped” is an under-exaggeration, they have copied (down to the speech bubbles) Rees’s “Get Your War On” comic series. Loads of companies do something similar. refering to something cooler than themselves raises their hip-ness factor….

But is it okay to just take the work of an artist, without asking, and use it to sell your product? Fck no. (My emphasis)

Andy on the Road:

I’m rarely (maybe never) one to advocate an expansion of intellectual property law, and I’m trying very hard to imagine how I would feel if Rees ripped on Jamba Juice instead of the other way around, but I feel as though the law should provide remedy for this sort of shameless ripoff.

(By the way, the Andy on the Road link is a must-read. It’s a very thoughtful post, with a good discussion in the comments about how annoyed I have a right to be re: Jooby Juice.)

More soon! Including a totally serious post from me about all of this.

Juice sucks, drink wine.

Know Hope.

Readers chime in on my war against Jemaah Islamiyah Juice:

From reader SD:

I teach college and my silkscreen class just began our section of copyright issues. I cannot wait to show them my vintage signed copy of MNFTIU from a reading at Quimby’s in chicago back in my zine days. Then i’ll show them the juice ads. Then we will have a big discussion about what sucks and what is awesome…

Nothing makes college kids happier than siding with art.

Free message to all college kids: ALWAYS side with art.

From reader AM:

I’m as outraged as anyone over Jarba Juice’s style biting, but there are no Jarba Juice locations in Canada for me to boycott. What can I do to help?

Answer: Pray. Pray for the destruction of the Temple of Juice. No, seriously? Just remember that most corporations are lame, and most advertising/marketing agencies are lame, and this kind of lame, dispiriting appropriation happens all the time. Just always keep that thought somewhere in your head. And drink wine instead of juice.

From reader PB:

First of all I laughed out loud at “Jhumpa Lahiri Juice.” Second of all your effort is picking up steam - a search for “jamba juice david rees” is yielding lots of relevant hits. Keep it up! I have never had Jumba Juice and because of this I promise you I NEVER WILL.

Yes! Our movement is growing! Next step: Figure out what color to change our twitter avatars to. What color represents the exact opposite of juice? Maybe… brown? Or does Jockle Juice sell a brown “Choco-berry Cocoa Quinoa Bomb” juice for $14.99?

From reader MR:

Please rate different brands of gin from best to least best.

We’re having a heated discussion….but no need to phone.

How’s the car?

Whoops! That one’s from my Mom. (My car overheated this weekend in Philly and I called my Mom to complain about it.)

Know hope.

Who was it who said, “The arc of history is long, but it bends towards juice?”

This whole sad affair has got me thinking about an old friend, someone I haven’t spent much time with in the past few years.

I’m talking about my JuiceMan Pro 410 juicer, of course.

I bought it as a Christmas gift for myself in 1996(?). My parents chipped in $50 to help me buy it, I remember.

Man, I went crazy with that juicer! I would buy, like, 80 pounds of carrots and run ‘em through my juicer and then my housemates and I would sit around drinking juice– drinking juice until we felt sick– and then I would take the leftover vegetable gunk and bake it into bread! (Yes, I went to a hippie college.)

Anyway, my good ol’ juice machine ended up where all juice machines end up– in my basement. BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME IT SHALL SOON RISE AGAIN!!!

Maybe later this week I will post an instructional video about how to make your own juice! EMPOWER YOURSELF!

ROLL YOUR OWN JUICE!

A reader ain’t having it:

You’ve made it clear you don’t want to sue anyone, and that’s because you can’t. If you want to get pissed off, save it for a time when you learn how to draw and are actually protecting original work.

Listen to yourself, “The clip art is public domain, of course, anyone can do anything with it … but check out the word balloons! JAMBA JUICE TOTALLY BIT MY GYWO WORD BALLOON STYLE!”

David, it’s a balloon with words in it. It’s about as original as a wheel or a hammer, you should sue Family Circus. You didn’t invent the concept and I find it hilarious that you want to protect anything other than your words.

You should be flattered, and it’s shocking that it took so long for someone else to do this.

This is why I was initially reluctant to comment on the Jawa Juice ad. Because as soon as I start explaining why I think they bit my style, I have to mention the word balloons, and as soon as I start talking about how their word balloons look like my word balloons, I sound like a crazy man in a bathrobe.

And I don’t want to be that man.

But you know what? I have to speak truth to power. They totally bit my word-balloon style. And, yes, I may sound like a complete maniac saying this, but: I was proud of my GYWO balloon style! Are you kidding? Rounded-edge rectangle with single line going to the character’s mouth? That looked totally fresh! I pushed Quark XPress 4 to its very limits developing that word balloon style!

Anyway, this all speaks to the broader point: How can I use royalty-free clip art and then turn around and complain when somebody else does? I’ve seen a lot of people on the internet make this point.

Let’s make one thing clear: I LOVE CLIP ART. I love that anyone can use it. I love that the same piece of clip art can be used in hundreds of ways, and in each case the context affects how you view the image. I’m totally into that. I love sampling, remixing– all that culture stuff that WIRED magazine writers publish books about.

I’ve got nothing but love for someecards (ironic clip art greeting card company), wondermark (clip art comic), or any of the other 10,000 webcomics that use the same Dover clip art I use.

But the Jarmbur Juice ad campaign looks so totally, exactly like GYWO that I feel they crossed some kind of line. I don’t know if that line is based on legal precedent, or aesthetic judgment, or just a general, common-sense “no biting allowed” reality, but I feel like it exists, and the juice-people crossed it.

From Andy on the Road:

Within the field of trademark law is a term of art – trade dress – to reference protections provided over layout, packaging, and other unique characteristics of a product which, if copied, can cause confusion in the marketplace even if the copier didn’t use the name directly. In other words, trade dress is why I can’t go into my kitchen, develop a new soda, put it in a red can with cursive white script in the same layout as a Coke can, and start selling it in stores.

Exactly. I don’t want people to think I made the stupid Jawa Juice ad campaign! I don’t want people to think I took my beloved Accounts Payable and Accounts Receivable dudes and pimped them out for some overpriced juice franchise.

Because when you look at “Cubicle Picnic” (uggh, I shudder to type those words), don’t you kinda wonder, “Hmm, did the GYWO dude make this ad campaign?”

Shit, even I wondered that. And I’m me.

This funny article on Mediabane picks up on something I totally overlooked:

The people who made the Jamma Juice ad didn’t proofread their own copy. They mix up the character names!

Damn, I’m starting to have grudging respect for the sheer audacity of how hard the ad company was slacking when they made this!

I was interviewed for this article:

“Has Jamba Juice’s Controversial Ad Just Pureed Its Billion-Dollar Dreams?”

It’s hard to see how Jamba is going to execute its strategy to become more a part of its customers’ lives when it can’t handle an online viral ad. Jamba wants to use its new locations and loyal fans to transform Jamba into a breakfast and lunch destination.

Earlier this year, (CEO James) White launched oatmeal for breakfast, and just last month, he started testing lunch– salads, sandwiches, and pizza-type “California Flatbreads.”

“Previously, Jamba food was more of a hobby,” White says of the soft pretzels and baked goods that made up the menu before his makeover. “We want people to have a passion for it.”

Mission Accomplished, I have passion for Jamba! I have so much Jamba passion, give me all your flatbreads and oatmeals! Please let me try the new 90 oz. Jungle-dingle-dongle Boysenberry Blend with Wheatgrass Sidecar!

LOL, this is absurd. You know what? Just sell juice to old people. There’s no shame in it. Stop trying to capture the “ironic disaffected under-30-y.o. internet-addict” demographic.

After all, they will abandon you as soon as a rival juice company bases their online viral strategy on re-appropriating “Two Girls One Cup.”

All across America, people will spend the day praying for the humiliation / decreased 4Q earnings of Jamba Juice.

Reader RdC lives in Emeryville CA, home of Jamba Juice. She organized a prayer vigil at Jamba Juice corporate headquarters:

It all went down a few hours ago. We got some Jamba Juices from down the actual store down the street, and set up right in front of the HQ’s main entrance. After about five - seven minutes of noodling around and taking our pictures, a gentleman came out and introduced himself as the corporate council. Whatt??? They sent lawyers out after us! Not even a security guard! …. He lectured at me a bit and let us go.

Corporate Counsel? LOL, Joimba Juice doesn’t hesitate to send out the lawyers, huh? I never had any intention of getting lawyers involved in this kerfuffle, but if Jarhead Juice is gonna sic lawyers on nonviolent, god-fearing prayer warriors, maybe I will hire one of the attorneys who contacted me this week … or maybe I’ll just buy one of those weird white wigs that British politicians wear and sue ‘em myself!

“Objection, your honor! My wig is too tight!”

Send in your photos of prayer vigils in front of Jarmbeh Juice franchises; I’ll post them here.

Know hope.

Reader CM takes issue with my call for a boycott of Jamba Juice:

I understand that you want to “get back” at Jamba Juice for what they did with your artwork, but it is hardly right to do it the way you are. If you want to get back at them Contact Corporate. Do not tell people to boycott the franchises. If not only hurts the people back at corporate, but it hurts the franchise owners, and even more importantly, THE EMPLOYEES. And I am not talking about the manager. I am talking about the college kid working at the register, making juices to pay his rent next week. Especially in the state of our current economy, this tactic of yours is a horrible one. (My emphasis –ed.)

Okay, in light of the nation’s current economic crisis, I will now SUSPEND my call for a national boycott of Jamba Juice. (Should I wait until Friday prayers to make this announcement?)

All my readers, all my fans: You are hereby authorized to spend money at Jamba Juice again. I don’t want my personal kerfuffle with Jamba Juice to further derail America’s economic recovery.

(Personal message to reader CM: Thank you for briefly making me feel like I actually have influence and power beyond my front yard.)

Anne Elizabeth Moore wrote a book called “Unmarketable: Brandalism, Copyfighting, Mocketing, and the Erosion of Integrity.” (I assume it’s all about how awesome advertising is.) She interviewed me about the Jombo Juice thingamadoodle:

How do you actually personally feel about this juice company?

I’m indifferent. I don’t remember ever trying their juices.

Read the whole thing here.

“Jamba’s ad agency rep explains the idea behind their Cubicle Picnic during a meeting with bloggers about Jamba’s new food items.”

QUESTION: Who were the bloggers in attendance? If Josh Micah Marshall was there, I’ll be heartbroken.

Well guys, it’s almost the end of juice week. Jamba Juice has issued the following statement:

“In the spirit of promoting Jamba’s message of summer bliss we specifically chose Tom Tierney-created clip art images to illustrate the state of office bliss-less-ness we were hoping to alleviate through our products. The Summer Bliss campaign has been running since May 25th using these stylized images to promote a light-hearted message of summer fun.

We understand there has been some misunderstanding about the Summer Bliss campaign artwork and the comic strip created by David Rees due to the use of these clip art images. Jamba Juice would like to expressly communicate that the Summer Bliss promotion was not intended to imply any affiliation with Mr. Rees, Mr. Rees’ endorsement of Jamba Juice and its products, or Jamba Juice’s endorsement of Mr. Rees’ work.” (My emphasis)

Guys, I’m disappointed that Jamba Juice didn’t endorse my work. What if they had? What if the statement had read, “This was not intended to imply Mr. Rees’ endorsement of Jamba Juice, but it WAS intended to imply Jamba Juice’s endorsement of Mr. Rees’ work. GEORGE W. BUSH IS A WAR CRIMINAL!!! Also, Jamba Juice would like to say, ‘Everybody stop listening to Thomas Friedman!’ and ‘America’s love affair with capitalism will end in FLAMES!’ Jamba Juice stands with David Rees against the tyranny of American hegemony!!! Fuck our shareholders … their wealth is built upon a pile of bones!!!”

That would have been an exciting corporate statement.

Anyway, I would like them to post this statement on the “Cubicle Picnic” web site, but I don’t think they have. What good is a free-floating corporate statement?

Also, somebody emailed me saying “Jamba” is Swahili for “fart.” Can somebody confirm/deny? Because I could see myself publishing a 500-page graphic novel based around that fact.

I’m spending the day working at my friends’ wine shop, turning people on to the great taste of MERLOT (aka “Juice for grown-ups,” aka “Grape smoothie”).

Once I convince everyone in America to drink wine instead of juice, I will go into retirement and nobody will ever have to suffer my esoteric cultural-legal arguments ever again.

Let’s celebrate!!! It’s the 25th anniversary of the release of Double Nickels on the Dime, the greatest album ever made by the best band of all time!!!

Here’s the first song I ever heard from the album … it seems especially appropriate this week (listen to the opening line):

LOL, drum fills not very rocking … guitar sounding not very insane … BEST ALBUM EVER!!!

People often wonder about the meaning of the album title Double Nickels on the Dime. The phrase refers to driving exactly 55 miles per hour.

You see, before he became the drummer for the Minutemen, George Hurley was Sammy Hagar.

And as “Sammy Hagar,” Hurley wrote and recorded a song called “I Can’t Drive 55,” which was about how much he loved to drive over the speed limit in his black Ferrari, which was a gift from SST Records founder Greg Ginn:

(At the 2:30 mark, you can see members of Black Flag start a courtroom riot.)

In fact, before they decided to call themselves the Minutemen and sing songs about Central American politics, D. Boon, Mike Watt, and George Hurley performed as “The Lamborghini Brothers,” and sang songs about their Italian sports cars:

1. “Jesus And Tequila And My Maserati Quattroporte”
2. “Political Song For My Testarossa To Sing”
3. “Working Men Are Pissed (That They Don’t Get To Ride In My Ferrari 365 GT4)”

(For more information, see the book “Our Band Could Be Your Lamborghini,” which is an oral history of the Southern California exotic-car-punk music scene.)

Anyway, when SST Records demanded that the band record a double album, the Lamborghini Brothers changed their name to the Minutemen (in honor of how long it takes to swap out a Maserati Merat’s catalytic converter) and recorded 832 songs in four days.

They initially planned to call the album Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Rice-Burners, but agreed to change the name when label-mates Saccharine Trust (an easy-listening group that had been discovered on Ed McMahon’s Star Search when Greg Ginn was a celebrity judge) took offense.

The Minutemen’s second choice for an album title was Triple Nickels on the Dime, which referred to the pleasures of driving 555 miles per hour on California’s Highway 10. But this was controversial as well, as SST band Tom Troccoli’s Dog (still one of the best-selling American groups of all time; who doesn’t own a Tom Troccoli’s Dog album?) had just released a record called We Love Driving 555 Miles Per Hour, which had shot to the top of the pop charts. The Minutemen didn’t want to risk a lawsuit.

So the band compromised and named their album Double Nickels on the Dime.

The iconic cover photo of the album features Mike Watt behind the wheel of his Lamborghini Countach. He’s smiling because he hit 55 mph in first gear.

I’ll post more true facts about this amazing record during the week.

Here’s a link to an interview I did with “People You Don’t Know” last week about the whole thing with the juice. (LOL, could my voice be any more nasal?)

If you’re tired of the juice stuff, you can listen to the other parts of the interview, which have nothing to do with juice. The non-juice portion is here. (We discuss Davy D’s “KRS-One Will End Your Career!”)

Enjoy.

Here’s another funtoid about the classic Minutemen album released 25 years ago this week:

SST Records paid big bucks to put Henry Mancini on retainer for orchestral arrangements. (SST founder Greg Ginn thought Husker Du’s “Land Speed Record” would benefit from Mancini’s cosmopolitan touch, apparently saying “I guarantee if we add some violins, we’ll have a #1 hit record, because the music is so slow and relaxing.”)

Mancini visited Radio Tokyo studio when the Minutemen were tracking “Double Nickels on the Dime” and was blown away at their productivity– they recorded 25 songs in 59 seconds. He offered to write a 30-piece orchestral arrangement for “Two Beads at the End” but was turned down by the band, because “the whole point of the album was about our exotic Italian sports cars, and he (Mancini) didn’t even own a Ferrari,” according to Mike Watt.

My friend sent me this amazing video about how exciting it is to drill for oil. 

“We were born to be black gold hunters!”

Another great lyric: “Heavy metal Christmas tree.” I bet that’s about how trees turn into oil or something.

Why doesn’t ExxonMobil produce videos like this? I would totally dance around on an oil rig while some guy in a burgundy leather jumpsuit sang about petroleum deposits!

Thanks to everyone who wrote in to confirm that yes, “Jamba” means “Fart” in Swahili.

From reader MM:

I am not a native of any East African country where residents speak Swahili. However, I can say that “Nani a me jamba?” were some of the first Swahili words I learned during my 3 month stint in Tanzania in 2003. The translation being: “Who farted?”

From reader IC (among many others):

This seems to be a credible source.

It means “to break wind loudly”, “fart,” “intestinal wind.”

Also, the Swahili word for non-poisonous juice is “utomvu”. Poisonous juice of the mutpa plant is “utupa”.

So perhaps … “Jamba Utomvu” would be Loud Fart Juice.

From reader MS:

Just googling “Swahili fart” brings up a lot of hits with jamba.

Why is this one of the funniest sentences I’ve ever read?

What a crazy, juicy week! We’re living the dream, guys!

Hope about we cap it off with a fresh-squeezed FRIDAY FACE-OFF SMOOTHIE?

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!

Welcome to the 17th installment of an internet legend!

I was poking around on the internet last night and stumbled upon the video for a song my friend had been pushing on me a few months ago. I remember, we were on a micro-road-trip and he kept bumping this song until I admitted it was more refreshing than a donkle-berry lemon smoothie with pineapple-whisker infusion ($14.75).

This week’s Friday Face-Off is “Kids,” by MGMT. Watch the original here:

I’m a big fan of melancholy dance songs, and this fits the bill. Not sure why it’s melancholy … is it the harmonies? The bass synth? The crummy drum beat? (LOL, Meg White, is that you?) Anyway, yeah, this is a jam and I’m about to show you some cover versions that will blow your mind right out of your eye-holes, so get ready.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! It’s like a vacation in your cubicle!!!

Okay, we’re starting off with a pretty standard face-off video. But this kid does a good job with “Kids.”

Also, the video description made me root for the guy:

“it’s my last day with this keyboard (rented) and i really wanted to upload a cover of this song”

Rented keyboard?!?!?!? This makes me want to organize a fundraiser to buy this kid a $50,000,000 keyboard with ten thousand keys and twenty thousand buttons and pre-set sounds and drum beats (although I can’t imagine topping the unstoppable beat he lays down at the start of this video).

Also, I went to his myspace page and learned that when he was younger, he had motherfucking CANCER OF THE EYE, so now he can only see out of one eye. But you know what? He can fuckin’ see that rippin’-ass solo he drops at 3:00, so LOL to cancer, you got served. Jesus Christ, cancer of the eye. What does the eye even have inside of it to get cancer of? Seriously. What will they think of next?

One more thing: Some of the commenters for this video obviously have small crushes on this guy, and one of them writes, “this video should have 32423523452345 view in my opinion…”

LOL, small number of views! When I run that figure through my “big-number-auto-comma-inserter,” I get 32,423,523,452,345 views. I think that many views would be a youtube record. Because it’s more than 32 trillion views.

Anyway, not sure if the video warrants 32 trillion views, but it’s solid and it’s a great way to kick off this week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!

(Bonus “Double Nickels on the Dime” funtoid: Each side of the double album starts with the sound of a revving car engine. SIDE 1: Mike Watt’s Lamborghini Countach; SIDE 2: D. Boon’s Aston Martin Lagonda; SIDE 3: George Hurley’s Ferrari 310 GTO; SIDE 4: Ethan James (producer)’s Alpine-Renault A310.)

WHAT IS MAKING THAT SOUND????

Also, is the snare mixed loud enough? I could use more snare. MORE SNARE MORE SNARE ALWAYS MORE SNARE.

I love music.

If you support horrible socialized medicine where every doctor has to take the Communist Pledge and they ration health care so only poor people and blacks are allowed to be healthy, then today is your day to call Congress and demand a robust public option!!!

Socialists, our time is now! Let’s do this!!!

Click here to begin the revolution.

(Seriously, I made a few calls. It’s not that bad. Better than using the Emergency Room as your primary care physician, at least.)

Is this the most international video ever made? We got the one guy playing the doumbek, the other guy wearing the keffiyeh (Palestinian terror-scarf-thing), two Spanish-flamenco style guitarists, all going down in the middle of the night in front of a scale model of the Berlin Wall … goddamn, they should just shut down the Olympics and instead broadcast this video for two weeks straight every four years.

Also? The one girl is using a water bottle as a maraca. That’s fifty times more exciting than anything I have ever seen at the Olympics, ever. Michael Phelps? Yawn city– get back to me when you’re holding down the beat with a half-empty Poland Spring bottle.

Another exciting thing happens at 2:55 when the resident musical genius uses a kazoo as a drum fill. That is some deep musicological shit that everyone needs to start biting ASAP!!!

When I was in college and I did the whole “travel around Europe and meet strangers and hang out on the ground in the middle of the night,” I don’t remember ever getting into a “jam sesh” like this. My loss. We could’ve rocked “Two Princes” by the Spin Doctors, I think that was the hot song back then.

(BONUS “Double Nickels on the Dime” funtoid: The classic “Political Song for Michael Jackson to Sing” was originally titled “Political Song for Jermaine Jackson to Sing,” but when SST Records sent the lyrics over to Neverland for approval, Jermaine refused to sign for the FedEx package, because it smelled like Henry Rollins’ bike shorts. AND THE REST IS HISTORY …)

Ignore the guy in the hat who’s so into everything and just focus on how goddamn good that parking garage sounds:

If you had a tough week and decided to drive to the mall for a late movie, and then the movie sorta sucked, but you sat through the closing credits because you had nothing else to do, and then you stumbled out of the movie theatre and took the elevator down to the lower level and started looking for your car and you couldn’t remember where you parked your stupid car and then you heard these guys’ voices echoing in some distant corner of the garage, you would forget about finding your car.

You would stagger around until you found these guys and then fall to your knees and start weeping and smoking drugs and rolling around on the floor and singing along and thinking you were in a dream.

This is the best version for getting into that weird lyric: “A family of trees wanted / to be haunted.” What does that mean? Is that about the Sierra Club?

BONUS:

If that version was too maudlin, here’s the antidote. Pretty sweet remix:

The only rule is that if you start watching this video, you have to watch all of it.

This is what Thomas Friedman is like when he’s writing a column:

Can’t you see Friedman stumbling around and dancing and posing while weird, out-of-tune guitar noodling fills his office and random words flow into his mind: “The world is flat …” “Green is the new red white and blue …” “Take only what you need from it …”

Then he runs downstairs to look at his dog for some reason (2:45), then sprints back up to his office just in time to make deadline!

Speaking of which, did you see Thomas Friedman’s latest column? It’s pretty great. It makes a lot of sense and I could really, really understand what he was talking about.

When you finally climb to the top of the mountain, this is what you see:

He actually made the song more melancholy. I love it! Again, this is when I start wondering what the definition of a mode is. Is his melody in a different mode from the original melody? Forget about what key it’s in, I think the mode is different, too. Right? Are we dealing with a Hungarian Dorian(?) mode? Jesus, I got all these people reading my web site, can someone just tell me what a mode is, in ten words or less? I think that will open up Friday Face-Off analysis to a new level where we can get Alex Ross to write an article about Friday Face-Offs.

Also, does anyone know where I can buy a nice tall Orange-Pineapple Burstberry Wheatgrass Smoothie with extra Choco-Yogurt? I’m really craving one of those right now. (The more expensive, the better, please.)

(BONUS “Double Nickels on the Dime” funtoid: If you listen closely to the bass on “My Heart and the Real World,” you’ll hear that Mike Watt is actually playing in morse code. The message is: “I would never drive my Lamborghini Jalpa V8 without Pirelli tires.” Yes, it’s true, Mike Watt was sponsored by Pirelli tires and used Pirelli tires exclusively on all his exotic Italian sports cars. In fact, Pirelli sponsored multiple SST artists in their bid to lock in the Southern-Californian-punk-rocker-Italian-exotic-car-enthusiast market. Why do you think that when you play Saccharine Trust’s hit single “We Became Snakes” backwards, you can hear Jack Brewer chanting “Pirelli, Pirelli, they a-make the finest tires” in a fake Italian accent?) And now you know the rest of the story …

Somebody tell Matt Drudge to fire up the “Hysteria-Siren” gifs! We have two second place winners this week!

First second place:

Bass tone of the year! Everyone in the comments is asking this guy how he got such a good bass sound. Damn it sounds good.

Second second place:

What can I say? If you’ve ever wanted to watch a gelfling-starchild perform “Kids” on her mini-keyboard from the future while hiding out in a record-store basement(?), then you’re pretty psyched right now. I am counting the days until we hear this young woman in an iPod commercial.

Friday Face-Offs! More refreshing than juice, more intoxicating than wine. TAKE ONLY WHAT YOU NEED FROM IT.

Winning video is next … get ready for sadness … you’re gonna be pretty sad when you see the next video … hope you’re ready to see a drummer who’s really unhappy …

We have a winner! Holy shit, does anything get set off very hard in this video? HOOOOOLY SHIT, do some kids get pretty sad at 0:43? Make sure you see the big kid in the black t-shirt jump in the air, because that’ll make you feel a low amount of energy.

Couple more things: I’m not sure this room is large enough. Is it huge enough? Hmm, seems pretty cramped in there. The room is so small and acoustically dead, it’s making the band sound weak. Really weak.

Also, what kind of assembly is this? Kids running around every which way? It’s like total chaos! At one point I was thinking, “Is this a school that’s run by kids because they murdered all the teachers and parents and now this is just a regular day for them?”

Okay, but my three favorite things are:

1. Notice how sad the drummer is at 2:30, and how much he hates this song, and how disappointed he is that he’s playing this song to the adoring screams of his peers … basically, how much he’s hating life when they come back into the chorus. THIS PROVES THAT DRUMS ARE THE BEST INSTRUMENT.

2. Basically, everything from 3:04 on makes me pretty glum, LOL. Especially right after the build-up, if you can find the big kid in the black t-shirt again, and watch his/her reaction to the final chorus, you’ll be really sad and you’ll be frowning and like, “Boo-hoo, I’m so sad I’m watching this video right now.”

3. Okay, but really the best thing? Check out the drummer at the end of the song. Mission motherfucking Accomplished much? And then, if you notice the second person to hug the drummer, you’re basically gonna feel like you just read the greatest short story of all time.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! Get that Vitamin FFO!

Have a nice weekend.