Sponsor Archives

I gotta figure out how to implement pop-up technology on this blog, so I can once again barrage you with pop-up ads! Remember when I used to support myself with corporate sponsors? I just found the ad archive on my hard drive …

TOTAL SYSTEM FILE PRODUCTS: These guys were one of my first sponsors. I remember, they took me out to eat at a French restaurant and gave me a bunch of manilla folders and paper clips. They were nice guys. But they never paid for their ad.

MASTERFUL ARTWORKS: “Masterful Artworks” was actually a one-man operation in Newark(?). I never met the proprietor. In fact, when UPS showed up at my door with a six-foot-tall box from “Masterful Artworks, LLC,” I refused to sign for it. I just had a funny feeling it was a sculpture of myself, and that if I accepted it, the guy would say it was in lieu of payment. He still hasn’t paid for his ad.

COBRA BOXES: I think somebody placed an order for some of these boxes and, sure enough, got bit by a cobra and died, and the company went out of business shortly thereafter. They never paid for their ad.

WHY NOT? BRAND CELL PHONES: I always liked these folks. It was just a mom and her son taking cell phones out of the garbage and randomly snipping wires and circuits and whatnot, and then wrapping them in Saran Wrap “packaging” and selling them at their friend’s gas station. The name of the company truly captured their spirit: Why not? They never made enough money to pay for the ad, but I didn’t care; they send me a Christmas basket every year.

SURELY (TM) BRAND WRISTWATCHES: These guys were crazy. They kept calling me about “Let us buy a pop-ad on your site, we’re gonna be in all the Macy’s stores!” and I kept refusing because of my “no jewelry ads” policy, but eventually they wore me down and I said “Okay, you can buy an ad for ONE WEEKEND,” and so they sent me this ad, and I was like, “Are you serious? Did you guys even make this watch?” and they swore they did, so I posted the ad, and they made like $50,000 in one weekend but I never got paid.

MAD CRAZY DRAIN SPOUTS: In spite of the name, these are actually good drain spouts. They sent me a bunch of samples before placing their ad. I have ’em all over the house. I drilled extra holes into my gutters just so I could add more spouts. Unfortunately I got so excited I told them the first month’s ad placement would be free … and then they never renewed so I didn’t get paid.