Amazing industry buzz this morning … just off the cell phone with a major Hollywood insider who confirms what I’ve been hearing for weeks: PIXAR HIT WALL*E IS COMING TO BROADWAY!!!

Animated flick — about a garbage-eating box who falls in love with some kind of flying iPod-thing — is set to follow the Lion King, Shrek, and other mega-hits from the cinemaplex who have found glory on “The Great White Way,” aka Broadway.

This production will be “fully immersive,” according to my source … producers plan to fill the theatre with actual garbage before each performance, and then have “Wall*E” clean the garbage in real time … Sez my source: “People will freak out when they pay $125 for a ticket and then walk into the theatre and see all the trash and old bagels and newspapers and fish and whatnot, but by the end of the show, they’ll be so in love with Wall*E and so grateful that he cleaned up all the trash, they won’t mind that they have contracted a host of airborne diseases” … due to tight economic conditions, expect the role of Wall*E to be played by a Roomba …

Lyrics are being written as we speak … songs include “Look At All This Garbage,” “Take Out The Trash,” “Get Trashed,” and “I Found My Love (In A Pile Of Garbage).”

Just got off the ol’ fax machine with the hottest Hollywood rumor-faxer … it seems my wildest fantasy has come true: NEW LINE CINEMA is starting production on a feature adaptation of Roberto Bolano’s novel 2666.

2666, which wound up on many critics’ “Best of 2008″ lists, is a sprawling novel about people running around Mexico — either attending academic conferences, reporting on boxing matches, or (most often) getting raped and killed and dumped in a ditch.

Book features approx. 1,000 locations; 2,500 speaking parts; and 900,000 tildes.

According to an anonymous New Line exec, adapting the novel for the screen “should be a piece of cake — after all, the book is only like, what? Four thousand pages long? Feh, I’ve read longer novels. No problem.”

MORE EXCITEMENT: The same exec confirmed that the film will be a musical (honoring the late Bolano’s wishes), and will feature melodies from RUSH’s classic rock opera, 2112.

“2666 and 2112, together at last! This thing is gonna blow the doors off the cinemaplex,” said the same exec who keeps giving me all these great quotes. “Just wait until you hear the soundtrack: We’ve got one song called ‘Maquiladora Murder Fiesta’ set to the instrumental ‘YYZ’ — you know, that song from 2112 where (Rush drummer Neil) Peart is banging on the ride cymbal and it sounds like robots with Alzheimer’s disease having orgasms? Forgettaboutit, I can smell the Oscars from here. We’re gonna crush Randy Newman like a [EXPLETIVE] bug.”

Release of “2666/2112″ is scheduled for 2012, to coincide with re-release of 2001.

Extensive marketing campaign will feature tagline: “2666/2112/2001 — 2012. Life doesn’t get any better than this.”

Ron Howard is set to direct.

=================
UPDATE: A Rush nerd has informed me that “YYZ” does not appear on 2112; rather, it appears on some other horrible Rush album. I apologize to anyone who mistakenly thought I had the slightest interest.

Check out when he analyzes the DIME. Fox News coin semiotics, represent.

An anonymous high roller ultra-donor has requested a proxy animated gif for a friend! WE CAN DO THIS.

Wouldn’t you like to honor a friend or loved one by making a donation of $50 to our laptop fund and then requesting an amazing animated gif that brings a smile to all who see it?

THANK YOU

“She moved it from a restaurant to the parking lot outside.”

GLORY!

“You shut the servers down five times.”

GLORY!

“You can solve any problem if you just use values and principles.”

GLORY!

Tears of joy … tears of pain … tears of glory … Tears For Fears, remember them? I had that tape. “Songs From The Big Chair.” That was a good tape. I used to listen to it when I raked the back yard.

Guess who’s back and better than ever? If you guessed –

Friday Face-Offs!!!

– you’re correct!

Welcome to the THIRTEENTH INSTALLMENT of an internet legend!

This week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFF is inspired by — and dedicated to — Mr. Glenn Beck, aka “The Emotional Patriot,” whose emotional breakdowns regarding his country — and his love for it — have touched me to my very core.

This week’s FFO is: “Don’t Cry Out Loud” by Melissa Manchester. Watch the original (ie, Muppet-iest) version here:

This week’s FFO will be very emotional. Expect tears. Tears of love for country. Tears of love for heroes. But most of all, tears of love for Friday Face-Offs.

First contestant up next!

And we’re off! This video was obviously shot by a bodega security cam. It shows a crime in progress. It shows a thief stealing our hearts.

Nice flourish at 0:51. The solo at the end, also. The spirit of Arnold Schoenberg is alive and well on youtube.

Another thing: This video has an interesting comments section. The pianist has some strong feelings about current events. I bet you never thought you’d read the following phrases in the context of a video about “Don’t Cry Out Loud”:

“To this day they cloak themselves in secrecy — using the Illuminati …. you will find some information about things like the eye in the pyramid of the dollar …. People who are fat, dumb, and happy; are going to become flabergastric …. rogue Rothshschilds/Bush fascist dictatorial government ….”

Not sure what Glenn Beck would say about that, but I know he would at least cry in support of a man who’s concerned about his country.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! It’s flabergastric!!!

Little House on the Prairie always made me uncomfortable as a kid. Maybe it was too grown-up for me — all that gingham and talking about feelings and whatnot gave me the willies.

Also, I forgot to mention at the start of this week’s FFO that I actually remember watching the Muppet Show when Melissa Manchester sang “Don’t Cry Out Loud” and those weird clown people rolled around on the floor. That made me uncomfortable, too.

Needless to say, I find this to be one of the most disturbing videos of all time:

Let us never mention it again.

My friend has been turning me on to stoner doom metal, where the music is all heavy and slow and sludgy and if you listen for too long, you wind up feeling like a manatee. Bands like Om, Sleep, Monster Magnet, all them guys. On vinyl only, of course, for that thick doom-y sound.

Anyway, this band is twenty times heavier than any doom metal band. Are you kidding me about the groove they start at 2:55? Heavy enough for you? Audience screaming very much in agony/ecstasy? And then does anything get SET OFF very hard at 3:00? Drums sounding thick enough for you? Is Sunn0)))) getting very nervous about being out-stoner-doom-rocked?

This recording truly captures how I feel about how Glenn Beck feels about his country.

Friday Face-Offs!

We interrupt this week’s Friday Face-Offs for an important fundraiser update.

We’ve passed the halfway point! We’re on our way home.

If you enjoy this blog, please consider donating to our laptop fund! Remember: $50 gets you an animated gif, $100 gets you a signed book (only one left!), and $1,000 gets you a tote bag!

THANKS

Listen to the girl, Glenn Beck. Listen to her light, delicate voice.

The intensity of this song is getting too me … I’ve been crying out loud for the past two hours … I just love my country so much … Glenn Beck, call me and we’ll cry together … I’ll put you on speakerphone so I can have my hands free to wipe away the tears I’m crying for my country … Glenn, Glenn, Glenn … fly high and proud … Glenn …

NO THIRD PLACE WINNER THIS WEEK.

1. Best outfit.
2. Best set design. (Glenn Beck, this might work for you also?)
3. Best fan-wavers on the sidelines. (Glenn Beck, this might work for you also?)

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! Winning video is next!

Glenn Beck just loves his country …

Hooray! I took my favorite versions of “Don’t Cry Out Loud” and mashed them all together and made this tribute to Glenn Beck!!!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

I’m sure they could beat Dear Leader and his millions of starving citizens.

Our laptop fundraiser is still humming along … trying to raise the funds to buy the laptop that will carry this blog into the 21st Century …

An anonymous high-roller has requested an animated gif in honor of Olympic track great Emil Zatopek … triple gold medalist in 1952 … we can do that.

Remember, a $50 donation gets you an animated gif dedicated to you, a loved one, or a track & field immortal!

THANKS

This blog would be remiss if I didn’t type that …

What a championship! LOL, people will watch that game for generations … I was calling for Roy Williams to clear the bench with 10:52 left in the second half.

Danny Green had a total of 6 points?!? At least he kept his posture up … world’s greatest posture: DANNY GREEN. I wish I had his posture. ZERO SLOUCH FACTOR. Even when he runs, everything above the waist is totally at 90 degrees straight up ‘n’ down.

Not the most exhilarating game of all time. The only thing that really excited me (other than the outcome, of course) was that we didn’t have to suffer endless shots of Coach Izzo’s wife in the crowd.

And that’s my sports analysis for the year! ESPN, call me!

Emergency Alert! Code Red on the Blog-Alarm! Secretary of Defense Gates wants to cut funding for the F-22 Raptor! Are you kidding me? We’ve gotta save the F-22! This is the greatest fighter jet ever made, y’all!

How will we safeguard the skies without the F-22?

F-22
F-22
F-22
F-22

F-22, we love you, we need you, we need so many of you, more and more and more F-22’s, more than our enemies could ever possibly imagine!

How else will we shoot North Korea’s amazing missiles out of the sky before the explode on us? How else will we shoot Russia right in the face and wipe that smile off their face?

F-22!

How do we stop North Korea’s missile program? WITH MISSILES.

Let’s petition Obama to make 50% more missiles every day. Then we’ll have enough missiles to pressure North Korea to stop messin’ around with missiles.

As long as this conflict is “Missile Vs. Missile,” we’ll be OK … for now. But what if North Korea secretly builds 10,000 missiles, each one more powerful and deadly and able-to-stay-in-the-sky than the last? Then we’ll lose the missile-fight.

Do we really want to lose an all-out “missile scrapple” with North Korea, a.k.a. The Missile Masters?

NO.

So let’s start building some missiles! Or else …

KNOCK-KNOCK.
Who’s there?
A NORTH KOREAN MISSILE THAT JUST FLEW OVER HERE, TO YOUR HOUSE.
Oh dear, why didn’t I sign that online petition at mnftiu.cc about building more missiles?
I DON’T KNOW. AND NOW YOU DIE IN MY MISSILE EXPLOSION.

=========================
PLEASE SIGN THE MNFTIU.CC MISSILE PETITION:

Dear President Obama,
You’re great and everything, but you need to start building more [EXPLETIVE] missiles or else North Korea is gonna beat us in the missile race and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have to learn North Korean just to be able to order a pizza from Domino’s Pizza (from when they conquer us due to more missiles).
Sincerely,
[YOUR NAME]
[YOUR ADDRESS]
Send this petition to your friends!

People keep making those $50 donations to my laptop fund, and I keep making those animated gifs.

WELCOME TO THE MNFTIU HIGH-ROLLERS’ CLUB, THE MOST EXCLUSIVE ONLINE CLUB.

Would you like to join this club? The cover charge is a mere fifty of your dollars.

THANK YOU

Is there any doubt that Silvio Berlusconi is still the greatest politician going?

Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian Prime Minister, appears to have made a serious verbal gaffe after telling a German TV station that the 17,000 people left homeless by the Abruzzo earthquake should consider themselves to be on a “camping weekend”.

Someday I will meet this man … dine with him … get a hair transplant with him … it will be like we’re on a camping weekend together … as I watch him skin a boar with his mind …

Good ol’ Roger Ebert, who seems to be entering a golden age of “I Just Don’t Give A F*ck,” has donned his stethoscope and his rubber gloves. He is this week’s Dr. Go-Offsky. Sit back and enjoy as he diagnoses and destroys Bill O’Reilly, the yelly guy from Fox.

Dr. Go-Offsky, we have sterilized the examination room, you may now go off:

I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that “very few” readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, “many more complained about Nancy.” I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that “wow” was “mom” spelled upside-down.

LOL, best summary of Nancy ever.

Bill O’Reilly, I’m begging you, PLEASE pick a fight with Roger Ebert. Please do that.

Another day, another high roller. Welcome to the MNFTIU PLAYERS LOUNGE, Mr. Anonymous-donor-who-has-crazy-taste-in-proxy-names:

You too can enjoy animated-gif immortality with a donation of only $50:

THANKS

LOVE IT! Americans are finally waking up to the gay storm that is coming to make them all gay.

My only complaints:

1. They should have used “booming thunder” sounds, to reinforce the fact that the gay storm will be dark AND noisy;

2. They should have included a CGI dragon (gay-looking, if possible) gnashing its teeth at the Massachusetts mother whose son is being forced to have gay sex(?) in the school(?);

3. When the cute woman with glasses says, “I am afraid,” they should have intercut a brief shot of the Devil mouthing the words “AS WELL YOU SHOULD BE, FOR I SHALL MAKE ALL OF YOU BE GAY.”

4. When the guy with the Mexican(?) accent says, “The storm is coming,” they should have dumped water on him, like he got wet from the storm — like he naively thought the storm was coming, but in fact it had already arrived, like, because of Vermont letting gays marry each other and all that gay stuff, you know how gays are, with wanting to get married and all that stuff because of the gays.

As you may know, I’ve been holding a fundraiser to buy a laptop computer so that I can blog from a boat or even in a tree.

But this news about Robert Gates cutting funds for the F-22 Raptor has got me so upset and so scared for my future (and my children’s future, and their children’s children’s future’s future) that I’m going to DONATE MY FUNDS TO THE F-22.

Think about it: If we lose the F-22 Raptor, we will no longer have a fighter jet named after the raptor, which (if you saw Jurassic Park, you know) was the toughest, most deadliest and dangerous dinosaur of them all!

How will we strike fear in the hearts of North Korea’s missiles without the Raptor? I don’t know about you, but if I was a North Korean missile, I wouldn’t be scared of some wimpy jet called an F-22 Brontosaurus Leaf-Eater, or whatever. In fact, I’d be excited to chase after that plane and blow it up! Whereas, an F-22 Raptor? No way. I would hide in my missile silo, no matter how hard Dear Leader pressed the red button.

Please, won’t you help keep the F-22 flying high and proud?

THANK YOU

I went to the computer store this weekend to check out laptops. GOOD NEWS: They’re still making laptop computers! BAD NEWS: Most of them have white keyboards, which means they’ll look all grimy and grody after a few months of hardcore blogging. GOOD NEWS: But they sell a laptop with a black keyboard, too! BAD NEWS: That model is more expensive. GOOD NEWS: I think I’ll have enough money from the fundraiser to buy it! BAD NEWS: For some reason, that model doesn’t have “Fire Wire,” which is what my external hard drive likes. GOOD NEWS: The guy at the store said, “As long as you’re buying a laptop, just buy another external hard drive. They’re cheap.” BAD NEWS: That means more money. GOOD NEWS: I think the guy at the store thought I was rich because of my hat, which means I’m in style!

High rollers are racing to get their $50 donations in before the deadline!

Today’s high roller requested an animated gif for his buddy. He asked that the gif include an image of his buddy’s favorite pop star. His buddy is obviously insane.

BUT WE’RE NOT HERE TO JUDGE, WE’RE HERE TO TAKE HIGH ROLLERS’ MONEY.

Wouldn’t you like to buy an animated gif for your friend, lover, or mailman? It costs only fifty bucks (the price of a good cup of coffee), and the money goes to a good cause.

THANKS

Do the teabag-party people think they’re engaging in contemporary political protest or historical roleplay? I guess we’ll find out on Wednesday when we see who shows up in powdered wigs or pilgrim hats or whatever.

Hundreds of Nebraskans chanted “no taxation without representation” in protest of increased government spending spawned by the stimulus bill at the state capitol Saturday …

LOL, did Nebraskan politicians succeed in convincing Nebraskans they don’t exist?

I gotta figure out how to implement pop-up technology on this blog, so I can once again barrage you with pop-up ads! Remember when I used to support myself with corporate sponsors? I just found the ad archive on my hard drive …

TOTAL SYSTEM FILE PRODUCTS: These guys were one of my first sponsors. I remember, they took me out to eat at a French restaurant and gave me a bunch of manilla folders and paper clips. They were nice guys. But they never paid for their ad.

MASTERFUL ARTWORKS: “Masterful Artworks” was actually a one-man operation in Newark(?). I never met the proprietor. In fact, when UPS showed up at my door with a six-foot-tall box from “Masterful Artworks, LLC,” I refused to sign for it. I just had a funny feeling it was a sculpture of myself, and that if I accepted it, the guy would say it was in lieu of payment. He still hasn’t paid for his ad.

COBRA BOXES: I think somebody placed an order for some of these boxes and, sure enough, got bit by a cobra and died, and the company went out of business shortly thereafter. They never paid for their ad.

WHY NOT? BRAND CELL PHONES: I always liked these folks. It was just a mom and her son taking cell phones out of the garbage and randomly snipping wires and circuits and whatnot, and then wrapping them in Saran Wrap “packaging” and selling them at their friend’s gas station. The name of the company truly captured their spirit: Why not? They never made enough money to pay for the ad, but I didn’t care; they send me a Christmas basket every year.

SURELY (TM) BRAND WRISTWATCHES: These guys were crazy. They kept calling me about “Let us buy a pop-ad on your site, we’re gonna be in all the Macy’s stores!” and I kept refusing because of my “no jewelry ads” policy, but eventually they wore me down and I said “Okay, you can buy an ad for ONE WEEKEND,” and so they sent me this ad, and I was like, “Are you serious? Did you guys even make this watch?” and they swore they did, so I posted the ad, and they made like $50,000 in one weekend but I never got paid.

MAD CRAZY DRAIN SPOUTS: In spite of the name, these are actually good drain spouts. They sent me a bunch of samples before placing their ad. I have ‘em all over the house. I drilled extra holes into my gutters just so I could add more spouts. Unfortunately I got so excited I told them the first month’s ad placement would be free … and then they never renewed so I didn’t get paid.

I’m down to my last $100 donor premium — a signed, patriotic-doodle-spangled copy of the final GYWO collection.

If you’d like this beautiful heirloom, please donate $100 to the MNFTIU LAPTOP FUND and I will inscribe the book to you and draw all my patriotic specialties: Bald Eagle, Uncle Sam, U.S. Constitution In Flames, Mom’s Apple Pie, et al.

THANK YOU

Good morning! A group of Canadians donated fifty American dollars to the MNFTIU laptop fund, so they’re the MNFTIU HIGH ROLLERS OF THE DAY.

Oh Canada, where would we be without you? America, what’s wrong with us? Why aren’t we nicer to our “neighbors to the north?”

I would like to start a new dialogue with Canada … a dialogue of mutual respect and shared interest … using the medium of money being sent to me. Please, Canada, send me some of your glorious money so that I’ll fall in love with you and tell all my friends about “You know what’s a great country? Canada.”

THANKS

Just FYI on the fundraiser front, the final $100 premium (signed, bedoodled book) has been claimed by a supreme high roller. (Also from Canada, can you believe it? Canada is REPRESENTIN’. America, what’s wrong with you? Are your dollars worth so little? ALL THE MORE REASON TO SEND THEM ALONG TO ME.)

Very disappointing. I went to this movie thinking it was called Fasting Furriers. I thought it was a documentary about fur-coat salesmen who go on a hunger strike to protest how evil their profession is. I was expecting to see emaciated fur-coat salesmen stumbling down 5th Avenue, weeping about “What am I doing with my life, I can’t sleep at night because of the screaming baby seals, oh God, have mercy on me.”

Instead, what do I see? A bunch of cars racing around and getting blown up and ladies in bikinis rubbing their behinds against cars and Vin Diesel standing around mumbling and looking like he literally wants to have sex with a car.

This movie has NOTHING to do with the fur trade. It has NOTHING to do with ascetic fasting as a self-annihilating moral discipline.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHEN WILL VIN DIESEL MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT ASCETIC FASTING AS A SELF-ANNIHILATING MORAL DISCIPLINE?

Two out of nine stars.

By the way, do you like the image accompanying this movie review? There are more such wonderful images here.

This crazy guy Bachus is going off about his secret list of 17 socialists in Congress. Do you have any idea how pumped and excited I would be if there were 17 actual socialists in Congress? And … umm … would those socialists be very popular right now? Answer: YES. Because they would have been whining and complaining about banks and the financial sector for years and years, and now that everything has fallen apart, they would be on TV, like: “TOLD YOU SO, WHY WON’T YOU JOIN OUR SOCIALIST REVOLUTION?” and everyone would sign up to attend pro-socialist tea-sipping (not -bagging, thank you very much) parties and Glenn Beck would be the one fainting on TV, not his guests.

THE END.

Did you know Kip Winger was a socialist sleeper agent and that the song “Seventeen” was about how many socialists he hoped would eventually get elected to Congress? Twenty years later, his dream has finally come true!

There are only seventeen /
But they give me socialism like I’ve never seen /
Such a bad girl /
Loves to work me over time (on the collective farm)
Feels good (ha) /
Dancin’ close to the borderline (of redistributive tax policy) /
She’s a magic mountain (of socialism)
She’s a leather glove (oh) /
She’s my soul /
It must be love /
HAIL LENIN

============
Workers, awake! Now is the time to SUPPORT SOCIALISM:

Today we have a non-anonymous high roller! So let the name ED ANDERSON ring out across the blogosphere … a true high roller … high-roller pride, let your freak flag fly …

ED ANDERSON, enjoy this animated gif — it’s a celebration of your generosity!

The MNFTIU laptop fundraiser ends on Friday. Only a few days left for you to claim animated-gif immortality … the cost is a mere fifty dollars, or about the price of a single newspaper …

THANKS

I was excited about Obama’s economic speech, especially when he said “We cannot rebuild this economy on the same pile of s–” and I thought, “Is he gonna say it??? Please say it, Mr. President!” but then he went on to finish the word: “Sand.”

Pile of sand.

Really?

That’s the pile?

That doesn’t work for me, because “a pile of sand” sounds nice. It sounds fun. I know, I know, it’s from the Bible and so Obama has to use it because he’s so religious, but still … I think it would have been more religious to say “We cannot rebuild this economy on the same pile of shit.” At least, I would have jumped up and down screaming “Praise the Lord!” because then I would be reassured that the guy hasn’t actually been hypnotized by Larry Summers and all the other free-market fundamentalist wackos he seems to surround himself with.

Digging around in the ol’ hard drive, I came across more sponsor ads … I remember when every corporation wanted a piece of this web site … back in HTML-days …

ANGEL BEEF: Gee, who could have ever predicted that thousands of Americans would get sick from this beef? Here’s a hint: Don’t buy meat advertised via animated gif. I had to put a cyber-attorney on retainer in case the USDA decided to raid my web site to confiscate this pop-up ad. Fortunately this was back when I was hand-coding my entire site in HTML, which is considered “international waters” in cyberspace. Needless to say I never got paid for this ad. I also never ate the complimentary beef they sent me because it arrived in a recycled L.L. Bean box.

SHOE CLUSTERS, INC: When this guy called to place an ad, he spent forty-five minutes trying to explain his business to me and I still couldn’t figure it out. He kept saying “shoe clusters, shoe clusters,” and after a while I was like, “whatever, I’ll run the ad.” As far as I could tell, this guy “Ralph” sold tightly-packed groups of shoes. That’s it. That’s a “shoe cluster.” Huh? You wouldn’t even necessarily get a matching pair of shoes, or shoes of the same size — just a closely grouped assortment of random shoes from some warehouse Ralph had the keys to. Did anybody ever click on this pop-up ad and place an order? All I know is, I wish ol’ Ralph had sent me a “money cluster,” because he never paid for the ad.

CUSTOM ANIMAL MITTENS: I admit, I thought I’d make a billion dollars from the click-thrus on this ad. I mean, it’s animal mittens. “Choose animal, choose mitten.” Who doesn’t love animals? Who doesn’t love mittens? Well, according to my financial records, EVERYBODY. I made no money off this ad and after a few weeks these guys’ phone didn’t even work anymore so I gave up and pulled the ad. Oh and by the way, thanks for the free mitten (singular) guys, what am I supposed to do with ONE MITTEN with a green walrus stitched into it?

Hooray, I just found out the the GYWO animations I made with 23/6 (RI/P) were nominated for a Webby Award! The category: BEST ANIMATION. Very nice.

In case you don’t know, the Webby Awards are like the Emmy Awards, but for the internet. (And also I think you have to pay $ to be nominated? But don’t worry, MNFTIU laptop fund donors, none of your money went towards the Webby nomination fee; maybe 23/6 paid the fee before it imploded or maybe Arianna Huffington sold some of her jewelry to pay the fee.)

Anyway, it’s an honor just to be nominated so here’s my speech:

“Thanks to 23/6 and everyone who helped make the GYWO videos. What a great project! Umm … I’d like to especially thank Holly Schlesinger and Brian Spinks for all their help, and Allen for his recording help and of course Sam and Richard for all their film and editing help, and how could I forget the actors: Jon Glaser and Anthony Laurent, you guys were such a pleasure to work with and so patient when I made you record the same script like eleven times in a row because I didn’t really know what I was doing and I was nervous the whole time, and also Bob and everyone down at Flat Black Films for the rotoscoping, that was so bad-ass. (SCREAMING) NOW LET’S ALL RISE UP AND STOP PAYING TAXES TO THE FASCISTS AND SOCIALISTS WHO ARE RUNNING OUR COUNTRY INTO THE DITCH!!! GLENN BECK, I NEED YOU TO CALL ME ABOUT TH–”

Well, like I said, it’s an honor just to be nominated.

The tea bag party in Michigan featured that “Joe, a Plumber” guy from the election. Here’s a strange, beautiful quote from his address:

“I’m just regurgitating,” Wurzelbacher said. “I believe in common sense.”

I like it. It should stand as a motto for all bloggers.

He went on:

“Let me give you another extremist view, ‘In God We Trust,’” (Wurzelbacher) said to wild applause. “Say that too loud in some parts of America and you will be shot. It’s terrible.”

Who told him about Berkeley’s policy? I thought that was a secret.

Anyway, here’s a nice pic from the rally:

“4. Not really understanding what’s happening.”

All is quiet on the fundraiser front … no high rollers made donations today, so I have no animated gifs to post.

Tomorrow is the last day of the MNFTIU Laptop Fundraiser … your chance at animated-gif immortality is drawing to a close …

A donation of $50 gets you an animated gif! Any other size donation gets my thanks.

Oh, and don’t forget: A donation of $1,000 gets a tote bag.

THANKS

I used to be skeptical of Roger Cohen because his NY Times columnist photo was a TOTAL rip-off of “The Moustache of Understanding’s” photo (see Fig. 1) and I just couldn’t believe he would step to Friedman like that, taking the hand-clasp right to his face, unless he wanted to be the same kind of wishy-washy, centrist, “sensible” person who winds up bringing a lot of ruin to our sweet earth thanks to a wide-eyed, fatally attractive optimism.

So I immediately told myself “Never read Roger Cohen, no matter what,” but then I unwittingly broke my vow when I came across an article about Gaza in the New York Review of Books by some guy named “Roger Cohen” — who I assumed was a different Roger Cohen than “Ol’ Mr. Hand-Clasp Biter” because the article was so sensible.

But it was the original Roger Cohen!

Now he’s calling out Jeff Goldberg for turning Ahmadinejad into Hitler:

Now here comes Netanyahu, in an interview with his faithful stenographer Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic, spinning the latest iteration of Israel’s attempt to frame Iran as some Nazi-like incarnation of evil:

“You don’t want a messianic apocalyptic cult controlling atomic bombs. When the wide-eyed believer gets hold of the reins of power and the weapons of mass death, then the entire world should start worrying, and that is what is happening in Iran.”

I must say when I read those words about “the wide-eyed believer” my mind wandered to a recently departed “decider.” But I’m not going there.

SSSSNAP. Dr. Go-Offsky, is that you? You’re stepping to Jeffrey Goldberg, the man with all the ponies?

Goldberg fires back, calling Cohen a blah blah blah … listen, I’m trying to wean myself off following these journalist vs. journalist fights — they’re fun, but in the end reading them doesn’t seem to improve my quality of life or even really deepen my understanding of the issues involved. I wind up feeling all negative and bitter and whatnot.

Just wanted to give a shout-out to Roger Cohen for “speaking truth to ponies.”

Also, I notice he’s changed his NY Times photo. I guess Friedman made him blink.

They might have to move into a smaller house.

I just got an email that freaked me out because I assumed it was about my laptop fundraiser.

Subject: “YOUR MONEY - FUNDING GENOCIDE?”

I had a flash of horror about having to return all the PayPal donations because PayPal was killing Kurds or something.

Then I realized it was from the Save Darfur Coalition. Turns out Vanguard Mutual Funds just increased their shares of some crappy Chinese petroleum company that gives money to Bashir.

So keep those donations coming; I guarantee none of your money will be used to fund genocide.

THANK YOU

WHAT A WEEK! Tax-baggin’ tea parties; torture memos; and on a personal note I bought a swim cap! And now the weekend is here and it’s time for

Friday Face-Offs!!!

Welcome to the FOURTEENTH INSTALLMENT of an internet legend!

This week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFF is: “Chopped N Skrewed” by T-Pain. Watch the original version here:

What can we say? Great song, great video, great musical genre, and great cynical-co-option-of-said-musical-genre-for-street-cred.

Also, great chorus: “You’ve officially been chopped and screwed.” Ouch, do you get some kind of special plaque? That “officially” ranks as one of the all-time best adverbs in the history of pop music.

First contestant is up next!

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! You’ve officially been Fridayed and Face-Offed!

Watching this video is a good way to mellow out after watching the original “Chopped N Skrewed” video ten times in a row, where you start to see T-Pain’s head opening up with CGI lions coming out of it everywhere you turn.

To me this sounds like the soundtrack to one of those 1970s melancholy romantic comedies where people spend a lot of time walking on the beach when it’s overcast.

(What’s with being so differential to Ludacris, though? Why not bust out a hard-bop solo over that verse?)

THANK YOU

LOL, how did Michel Gondry get those Legos to move so smoothly?

Another mellow version of CHOPPED N SCREWED! What mysterious force compels people to turn this bombastic, computerized bleep-bloop symphony into, basically, the next “Girl From Ipanema?” What, are we gonna hear “Chopped N Skrewed” played on lutes at Cape Cod weddings some day?

Which brings up a question I’ve been wondering about: Do you think anyone has ever eaten brie while listening to “Chopped N Skrewed?” Sometimes I imagine a list of songs that have never been played while someone’s eating brie.

Anyway, FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!

THANK YOU

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT.

All the true FFO-heads know my love for drum covers … just bangin’ away to your favorite song … making the craziest, careening fills … showing off your cymbals … LOVE IT.

Interesting technical note: This guy’s video plays with compositional space like an old Chinese landscape painting. Do you know what I’m talking about? Like, some of those cymbals are probably five miles away in the distance, but they look like they’re all stacked up on top of each other. Cool effect. The depth of field has officially been CHOPPED N SKREWED.

This is the video that made me want to see the Bad Plus do a version of CHOPPED N SKREWED. They could really kill this song.

THANK YOU

Hmm. Not what I was expecting. Something about that wooden stool is way off.

But since when was a school assembly supposed to be normal?

THANK YOU

In the course of researching this week’s FFO, I watched MANY videos of people dancing to CHOPPED N SKREWED. This is my favorite … except for 0:37, where I panic about the fedora.

I also love the graphic wipe at the end, because it makes the whole thing look a promotional video for a new kind of travel agency — AN AWESOME KIND.

“Seriously, what’s the deal with travel agencies? Does anyone still go to these places? With a bunch of posters of Jamaica and Hawaii, and some sad plant in the window and brochures lying all over the place? Seriously, what’s the deal? How can I travel to your agency? Why would I want to take a vacation in your office? Is that the deal? What IS the deal? Anyway, what?”

(Sorry, had to bust out a little Seinfeld routine there; I’m noticing a recrudescence of the Seinfeldian zeigeist in the cultural biosphere as limned by the post-industrial memescape’s gestalt vis a vis Seinfeld and various observational recrudescences. [A reader promised a $50 donation if I could use "recrudescence" in a post more than JMM does here; all I have to say is, "Mission Recrudescence-d," you've officially been CHOPPED N SKREWED.] )

THANK YOU

This is important, guys. Please watch.

Guy is happy with T-Pain at 0:33.

It was inevitable: Somebody officially meta-chopped and screwed CHOPPED N SKREWED:

This is like two inches away from being a Gregorian chant.

From the comments:

“(I) like the screwed but too much chop-maybe plus 2-3 chops per verse.”

Three chops per verse, are you kidding? You c-c-can’t chop enough, as f-f-far as I’m concerned-erned-erned. If you’re chopping less than 5 ch-ch-ch-ops per verse, I’m going back to my Enya tapes; call me when you chop it like you mean-ean-ean-ean it. The musical genre is called “chopped and screwed,” n-n-not “screwed and every so often, like three times per verse, maybe chopped.”

Come on, g-g-get real. In the words of Dinsoaur Jr, “Start Choppin’.”

THANK YOU

Why is it my favorite thing on earth, to watch people get into their music?

From the user’s video description:

“I wasn’t really singing it, more like listening, but…..it’s not like everybody else’s.”

GO FOR IT.

I don’t even know what genre of youtube video this is. It’s kind of a sing-along, but like the guy says, it’s mostly just him listening to the song and getting overwhelmed by how much he loves it (LOL, like at 0:53, he’s really hating it) with words floating around intermittently. Why isn’t this in the Whitney’s permanent collection of awesome videos that Matthew Barney didn’t make? “This is the reallest shit ever, especially the first part.”

Also, do any of the ladies in the comments section to this video want the guy to hit ‘em up with his info very much?

By the way, this week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFFS has officially been CHOPPED N SKREWED, because we have a runner-up 2nd place this week:

Yes, that’s a Yamaha DX-7 in FULL EFFECT. With Christmas lights on it to set the mood while he goes off on CHOPPED N SKREWED. (Also, Miami Dolphins jacket, or am I imagining things?)

And because I’m chopping and screwing everything right now, let’s drop another 2nd Place runner-up video:

Yes, that’s a violin in FULL EFFECT. Let’s not even get into the insane blast of bewildered ecstasy I felt when I thought the violinist was MARLO STANFIELD.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! Winning video is next!

THANKS

FORGET ABOUT IT. It’s been a while since a FFO video put everyone on notice as hard as these guys do. LOL, am I loving these guys very much? Reincarnated D. Boon and Mike Watt holding it down very hard? KILLED IT!!!

Have a great weekend.

This is it, last chance to donate to the laptop fund:

THANK YOU

In honor of Earth Day, I present these eco-jokes.

1. What is Mother Nature’s favorite food? RECYCLED GARBAGE.

2. What did the endangered species say to the Exxon executive who was telling jokes? STOP, YOU’RE KILLING ME.

3. Why did the chicken cross the road? TO ESCAPE THE HORRIBLE CONDITIONS AT THE TYSON FOODS PROCESSING PLANT.

4. What did Global Warming say to James Inhofe? “IT’S TRULY INSANE THAT YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN ME.”

5. What’s the difference between the fossil-fuel industry and an unstoppable plague of flesh-eating bacteria? NOT MUCH, REALLY, WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE LONG-TERM IMPACT OF BOTH.

Rep. Joe Barton of the great state of Texas had a gold-star day yesterday. He outsmarted a Nobel-Prize winner! Barton sits on the House Energy & Commerce Committee. He asked Energy Secretary Steven Chu a simple question:

“How did all the oil and gas get to Alaska?”

Chu started talking about “millions of years,” and “plates bumping into each other,” or some such nonsense. It was clear he had no idea what he was talking about and probably didn’t even know what oil was. And this guy is supposed to be the Secretary of Energy?

It was a real “the emperor has no clothes” moment. I can’t imagine how embarrassed and humiliated Chu must have felt. As the internet kids say: “MEH, FAIL LOLZ.”

Anyway, Barton was feeling pretty good about his incisive line of questioning — justifiably so — and he went on Twitter (amazing computer program that allows politicians to stay in touch with their constituents and thereby build a better-informed electorate, up to 140 characters at a time) and wrote:

“I seemed [sic] to have baffled the Energy Sec with basic question - Where does oil come from?“

SCORE!

Here are some other questions Barton should have asked:

“Why can’t I see the wind? Is it made of ghosts?”

“How did all that water get in the ocean?”

“How come sometimes when I look at a cloud, it reminds me of a shape, like a horse or an airplane or something?”

“How come things are all different colors?”

“If solar power is so great, why isn’t there a Psalm in the Bible that says, ‘Solar power is so great / that is my honest opinion, sayeth the Lord’?”

“If global warming is so real, how come I had never heard of it until people started talking about it?”

“How did this thumb on the end of my arm get stuck up my ass?”

Send me your eco-stumpers. I’ll forward them to “Nobel-Prize winner” Steven Chu — and then we’ll find out how “smart” he really so-called is.

After last week’s Friday Face-Offs featuring T-Pain, I would be remiss if I didn’t post this:

Here I am, 90 minutes into my work week, and I haven’t looked at a single political blog. I AM MAKING INTERNET HISTORY.

I am trying to go blog-free all week as a science experiment. How will my body react to a 100% zero-blog diet? Right now, everything feels normal. No sweating, no shaking. I feel good. I feel focused. I know that somewhere out there (probably at TPM, Lord how I miss it) there’s a blistering discussion / takedown of Michael Scheuer’s (sp) crazy piece in the Sunday Post about, “What if Osama bin Laden was about to blow up America and Obama said we couldn’t torture him because he’s so intent on impressing European pacifists?” (By the way, GREAT editorial, you should really check it out … it really made me think … yes, it was definitely a well-reasoned, sane editorial.)

Anyway, I’ll let you know my progress as it progresses. WISH ME LUCK.

I still haven’t read a single blog today. I have NO IDEA what all my must-read political bloggers think about whatever breaking news is being broken all over the internet. Is the pig-virus pandemic still going strong down in Mexico? Or has it already made its way to the United States? I don’t know.

I understand why Bush decided to run his presidency according to the “I wanna be in a bubble” model of governance; this feels really mellow and nice.

I’m not reading blogs, but I did just look at nytimes.com, the online home of the newspaper called “New York Times.” I skimmed an article about Tim Geithner and how much he hates investment bankers and how he’s totally on the side of the taxpayer no matter what and how he’s fighting to make sure taxpayers definitely don’t get screwed by bankers and how he’ll make sure the bankers don’t personally enrich themselves at the expense of taxpayers and how he said, “Uggh, bankers make me sick, you’ll never catch me eating lunch at the Four Seasons with a bunch of capitalist pigs — unless the lunch special is ‘deep fried capitalist pig.’”

At least, that’s what I think the article was about; I can’t know for sure until I read what my favorite bloggers have to say about it … and I can’t do that because of my scientific experiment.

MIND TRAP, NO EXIT.

I want to read a blog –

– to make sense of it all –

– but I can’t –

science comes first …

The radio says
It’s Obama’s 100 days today
I bet the blogs
are burning.

And also I heard 
about a press conference tonight
I bet the blogs
are burning.

But I wouldn’t know
because I’m 
blog-free
miles away from the burning.

Dear God, what have I done.

Guys, I am dealing with a demon right now — the demon of temptation.

Obama gave a press conference last night, and I don’t know what my favorite bloggers thought of it.

Would someone please transcribe my favorite bloggers’ thoughts onto a piece of parchment and staple it to a lamppost so that I can read it without violating my pledge of not reading blogs?

Thank you.