The internet is buzzing about the SXSW panel I’m participating in next Friday.

Here are some of the topics I’ll be addressing:

1. HTML vs. WYSIWYG: which is better for your homepage?

2. Font optimization for homemade bumper stickers you sell on your web site.

3. “What is Ebay?” I will show you how to buy stuff on this unique online store.

4. Introduction to the Kindle: A brief tutorial on the amazing new machine that eats books like a mechanical goat.

5. “I’ve Been Framed!” Using “frames” to jazz up your online store where you sell coffee mugs and pencil sharpeners that fell off the back of a truck.

Please help me promote this panel and get the buzz machine going! This panel is going to change the way you look at the internet!

1. Hitting ‘REFRESH’ on Talkingpointsmemo.com: Index-Finger Optimization Strategies

2. “Introduction to Alta Vista Search Engine” Get the inside scoop on the “Google-Killer”

3. Introduction to Friday Face-Offs

4. How to Type Numbers Into Your Calculator and Then You Turn the Calculator Upside-Down and it Makes a Funny Word If you don’t have a calculator, don’t worry, I will show you how to turn your computer upside-down

Ladies and gentlemen, we’re back!

Friday Face-Offs!!!

Welcome to the TWELVEFTH(sp) INSTALLMENT of an internet legend!

This week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFF is: “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money. Watch the original version here:

“Oh geez,” I can already hear the haters say, “Another song I don’t like! Boo-hoo!” To which I can only reply, “Be my little baby.”

Gets the artist name and song title wrong! Love it! (Unless he’s saying “Eddie Money’s;” I thought he was saying “Eddie Monies.”)

A classic snap at 1:01.

Also, look at the right-hand side of the screen; how did he manage to get the WTC Memorial inserted in there? Is this a WTC Memorial Memorial? (a la Stewart Lee’s routine about the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain Memorial Fountain, classic comedy bit.)

YES. Why hasn’t Apple put this song in one of their iPod commercials? I guarantee that in a blindfold test, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between this song and the gruesome infantile plunking on the Juno soundtrack.

Also, this video has one of the all-time great endings. The unresolved chord, the sigh, the nod of resignation … it’s like Beckett. Would someone please write their master’s thesis on this guy so I know how to feel about him?

Friday Face-Offs!

This is the video where I realized Eddie Money was almost like an American blue-collar version of Robert Palmer. He could wear shiny suits and the “touch of class” saxophone pin, but he couldn’t quite pull off the “I’m so debonair, I’m surrounded by babe androids“-thing that Palmer perfected (to his eternal discredit).

If Eddie Money and Robert Palmer were both eating lunch at a fancy restaurant, Eddie Money would order a steak and Robert Palmer would order some kind of special tiny bird with eleven different cream sauces on it. Then Eddie Money would walk over to Robert Palmer’s table and be like, “Hey Mr. Palmer, I’m Eddie Money, I’m a big fan, I love what you’re doing.” And Robert Palmer would be like, “Thank you Mr. Mooney, you’re too kind.” And then Eddie Money would stand there, like, “Doesn’t this poof know who I am?” and then his manager would tug at his sleeve and be like, “Let’s get back to that steak, Eddie,” and they’d walk away and Robert Palmer would turn to his consort and be like, “Who was that American fellow? And did you see his suit? It was shiny, but it was off the rack. Pooh-pooh, isn’t this caviar-roasted quail gizzard delightful?”

And Eddie Money would just sit there, back at his table, staring at his steak, sweating.

In other words, EDDIE MONEY CRUSHES ROBERT PALMER!!! USA OVER ENGLAND EVERY TIME!!!

By the way, at 2:36, is the Late Show guitarist burnin’ up very hard? LOL, just two questions though, number one, is his guitar yellow enough, and number two, is Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable missing a sweater very much?

This is the video where I realized Eddie Money has been singing this song for a long time.

LOL, I can relate though, this reminds me of my last couple years as a political cartoonist.

In the comments to this video, some people are saying, “Waah waah, he’s just stumbling around muttering into the microphone and scratching his head, he’s not even singing,” to which someone dropped a classic youtube response:

“Eddie came to Raleigh, put on a show for like 200 hardcore Money fans, and completely kicked ass. So fuck anyone who thinks he sucks.”

THE END.

Guys, I couldn’t find a 2nd-place “Take Me Home Tonight” video, but I did find a 2nd-place “Take Me Home Country Roads” video.

Am I cheating at Friday Face-Offs?!?

WINNING VIDEO IS NEXT!!!

WHAT IS CULTURE?

Have a good weekend.

Here’s my to-do list:

1. Brush up on my programming (C++, Java, Pascal, Kindle, Visual Basic, etc.)
2. Post some thoughts to my twitter group
3. Teach myself how to play Tetris using old pieces of toast so I can start a company called “Video Games Breakfast LIVE!!!” where people come to your house and recreate classic video games using toast, eggs, and juice
4. Find myself on google maps and wave to myself so that whenever I need a pick-me-up, I can click on google maps and find myself waving to myself in space
5. Trick someone into buying me a laptop computer so I can live-blog the entire SXSW conference without having to ship my desktop computer all the way to Texas
6. Buy toothpaste, so I don’t have “internet breath”

Guys, the hype surrounding Friday’s SXSW panel is reaching “WATCHMEN” proportions! If you don’t believe me, just check out these sites and pretend they’re talking about the panel:

1. cnn.com

2. amazon.com

3. ebay.com

The other panelists are entrepreneurs doing great things on this amazing device we all love called the internet. I hope to learn from them … as well as teach them a thing or two! (Actually I’m more interested in teaching than learning, because learning involves listening to other people, and that’s not really my style and besides as soon as I stop talking, my mouth goes into “riff mode,” where it automatically starts humming the hottest rock ‘n’ roll riffs, and then the person tries to talk over me, like, “Sir do you know why I pulled you over? It’s because your bumper stickers are so hilarious, I’d like your autograph.”)

For those who can’t make it to SXSW for the big panel, here are my internet-related predictions. THESE ARE EMBARGOED UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT, NEWS ORGANIZATIONS TAKE NOTE OR I’LL SUE YOU.

David Ree’s’es Internet Predictions (SXSW Computer Conference, 2009)

1. Twitter bankrupt within one year (”People will eventually realize they don’t care if Tom Clancy is washing his dog”)

2. IBM introduces iBMPhone (”Say hello to the iPhone killer”)

3. I unveil hottest new search app: AppleGoogleChancery.com, which is a Google clone in which all text appears in Apple Chancery, the greatest font of all time (”I searched for ‘Falafel Triumvirate’ just to see what it looked like in Apple Chancery.”)

4. Ebay continues to offer the best bargains

5. Amazon Kindle goes bankrupt in one month (”What kind of idiot gets excited about reading 5,000 books at the same time, grow up and read one book at a time like an adult.”)

The organizer of the SXSW panel I’m participating in (click here for more information) says we will accept questions via twitter!

So tomorrow evening, send all your questions to twitter.

THANKS

I feel embarrassed to admit this, guys, since it may take a little shine off my reputation as the “hottest blogger on the scene,” but I don’t own a laptop computer.

This means I won’t be able to live-blog the SXSW Computer Conference. (Oh, you didn’t know I’m going to the conference? You obviously didn’t read this.)

Anyway, I will try my best to remember EVERYTHING I see and hear and learn at the conference, and then — no more than ten times a day — I will ask a stranger if I can borrow their computer to live-blog my memories of the conference.

It’ll be like you’re inside my mind inside Texas.

Guys, if you were among the 20,000 people who attended SXSW just for the fleeting hope of being able to touch the hem of my garment, you’re probably still reeling at the fact of my absence!!!

What happened? Did I chicken out when I realized the other people on my panel were successful entrepreneurs, whereas I’m just a blogger in a bathrobe? Answer: NO. Wasn’t I fully prepared to burn up the conference with my white-hot internet knowledge? Answer: YES.

The answer is nefarious, outrageous, and just plain horrible-acious!

The Web 1.0 Luddites who run Delta airlines decided to delay my flight until such time as it was impossible for me to arrive in Austin in time for my panel!

Obviously, Delta’s corporate board realized their entire business model was threatened by my Web 2.0 HTML-and-animated-gif skills, so they took extreme measures, inconveniencing hundreds of passengers and frustrating their own flight crew, just to keep one li’l internet genius (a.k.a. ME) from attending the SXSW Texas Computer Conference.

I am very sad about this. Why?

1. Wanted to meet the other panelists, all of whom are doing cool things online;
2. Wanted to eat authentic “Tex-Mex” food, especially “Tex-Mex Chex Mix,” the original breakfast cereal snack from south of the border;
3. Wanted to hang out with the Rude Mechs (the folks who made the GYWO play, remember when I pestered you to see that?);
4. Wanted to take up one fan’s offer of free, unlimited pedi-cab rides all around Austin! Are you kidding me? I could have done my grocery shopping!
5. Wanted to network with other computer geniuses like myself.

I will post my PowerPoint presentation later today, so you can experience what might have been.

Just as I was about to take down my banner ad about the big GYWO book that you’ve already bought 50 copies of, google alerts me to a nice, fat review of the book on BoingBoing.net, one of the top internet sites of all time!

I am very psyched about this review, because if you’re on BoingBoing.net, that means you are an INTERNET IMMORTAL.

From the review:

Rees’s minimalist, clip-art graphics combined with his profane (top marks for inspired and expressive use of the word ‘fuck’ — next time an English teacher tells you cursing isn’t an effective way of expressing yourself, produce this book and win the day) torrent of raging, pitiless, vicious, relentless attacks on the stupidity of the War on Terror made GET YOUR WAR ON the single consistently credible voice during the Bush Years.

GOOOOOAAAALLLLL

Okay gang, as promised, below is the first slide of my SXSW presentation. I’ll post the entire presentation over the course of the week. I’m sorry I couldn’t deliver it in person.

The panel I was to participate in was called “Try Making Yourself More Interesting.”

As you can see, I made full use of PowerPoint’s unparalleled design capabilities. I really wanted this first slide to “jump out” at the audience so they would “scream in ecstasy” at what would surely be the “greatest SXSW presentation of all time.”

Next up, another exciting slide!!!

“And we’re off!” This is the second slide of my never-to-be-witnessed-thanks-to-the-fascists-at-Delta-Airlines SXSW presentation. I wanted to focus on a few of my “online projects,” and determine how interesting they are — their “Interestingness Factor,” to use a technical term your grandmother never told you about when she was telling you about the internet.

My most famous project was “Get Your War On,” the scathing internet cartoon that stopped Bush’s War on Terror in its tracks and helped usher in seven years of peace and prosperity.

As you can see, I give this project an Interestingness Rating of 3 Raised Eyebrows! Not bad! (This represents the average of GYWO’s early years — when it had a 5-Raised-Eyebrow Interestingness Rating — and its later years, when it did not.)

By the way, if you’d like to see more internet projects from the mind of David Rees, a.k.a. King of the Internet, then please help me fulfill my goal of buying a laptop computer by donating to me a lot of your money!

Here’s the slide about MDC Team #5, the Afghan deminers to whom all the royalties from the first two GYWO books were donated. That was an interesting experience. It feels like a long time ago, and it makes me sad that Afghanistan is still dangerous and quagmirey. OH WELL, LIKE THE CHINESE CURSE SAYS, “MAY YOU LIVE IN INTERESTING TIMES THAT TOTALLY SUCK.”

You know I was gonna drop some RELATIONSHAPES on those Texans!

So here’s the slide about my amazing comic for the Modern Woman. I would’ve given “R-Shapes” a higher Interestingness Rating, except for the fact that the whole thing fell flat on its face and I never could convince Cosmopolitan or Glamour or Elle to publish it, which was my ultimate goal and would have taken its Raised-Eyebrows count into the stratosphere.

Blah, blah, look at me making fun of Thomas Friedman. This was a little project I started to keep myself entertained. Now I’m “so over” that guy. Two eyebrows.

Can you imagine the electric current of zappingly charged murmurs that would have exploded when this slide appeared on a huge screen during the SXSW panel I couldn’t attend because Delta Airlines is trying to keep me from fulfilling my internet dreams?

This project broke my own Interestingness Scale, scoring an amazing NINE RAISED EYEBROWS!!!

And doesn’t that make you so excited, and doesn’t your own excitement make you want to donate some money to help me buy a laptop computer so all our dreams can come true?

THANK YOU

We’re nearing the end of my “lost” SXSW presentation.

On this slide, I thought I’d list some of my hobbies!

Pretty cool, right? You gotta have your hobbies.

Guys, in all seriousness, I have struggled with the lifestyle of a freelance internet/cartoon person.

Professional isolation and years of ceaseless sitting-on-ever-widening-ass-while-looking-at-the-internet has had a bad influence on my emotional health.

So this slide was all about how to get healthy!

Read these lessons, live these lessons! Your life will become more interesting!

Here it is, the final slide from my aborted SXSW presentation! Hold on to your hats!

They always say, “The key to a great presentation is to end with a bang,” and I think this slide does just that!

When I was preparing my presentation, I imagined showing this final slide, and then everyone jumping up in a standing ovation, and then the mayor of Austin handing me the keys to the city, and then the president of eBay giving me a huge gift certificate, and then NYTimes.com asking if they could put me on the cover of their online edition for one week straight, and then the Pentagon asking if I would like to be Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Extreme PowerPoint Presentations, and then Donald Trump giving me over 500 dollars.

Oh well. NEXT YEAR, SXSW!!!

If you haven’t noticed, I’m starting an online fundraising appeal to help me buy a laptop so I can blog anywhere, anytime, without notice.

All I have right now is a big desktop computer, and it’s too difficult to lug around from the coffeeshop to the library to the train to the living room, etc.

Whereas, a laptop computer? It’s designed to be portable. That’s the whole point. You can throw it in a bag and hop on a horse and then, next thing you know, you’re blogging from McGillicutty’s Gulch, or wherever.

Don’t you want me to blog from McGillicutty’s Gulch?

YES. Yes, you do. Because what if I’m panning for gold and then I find a big fat nugget? Wouldn’t you prefer if I could immediately whip out my laptop and blog about it, rather than waiting until I gallup all the way home and then hitch my horse and then take a shower and then dry my hair and then turn on my desktop and then wait for it to warm up, then crash, then warm up, then crash, etc. etc. and then by the time I’m ready to blog about “Hey guys, I found some gold nuggets in the gulch today,” them dirty ol’ Coolidge Boys have taken over my claim and now I’m sitting in front of my desktop computer with nothing to blog about like a punk.

Are you starting to see what I’m getting at?

Maybe next week I’ll make a bunch of different levels of donor premiums like NPR does, in case any high-rollin’ readers want to make a big donation to my laptop fund. What would be a good premium? I’ll think about it and get back to you.

In the meantime, please consider donating to my laptop fund!

THANK YOU

Just off the phone with a major Hollywood agent … he tells me shocking news about the Transformers sequel … apparently they’re ditching all the CGI because “it looks really cheesy and fake,” and instead they’re going to re-shoot the robot scenes using CLAYMATION … and yes they are modeling the robots at actual size, in case you were wondering … these will be the largest claymation models ever produced … Wallace and Gromit, you’ve officially been dethroned … needless to say my interest in this film has spiked … some grumbling from the cast members about how they have to “stand around for like twenty hours while the crew moves Optimus Prime’s arm forward one inch at a time” … this has wreaked havoc with the production schedule … new release date: August 2050 … can they maintain the buzz until then? We’ll find out …

If you want to keep up with the latest Hollywood rumors, please consider making a donation to our laptop fund. Thanks.

Guys, if you haven’t noticed, the economy is in trouble. The money isn’t working like it’s supposed to. 

I think what we should do is, keep all the financial guys who’ve been running the show in charge, but pay them more money, so they’ll do a better job. 

More big news about the Claymation Transformers sequel … whispered in my ear by a little bird named “Anonymous Big-Shot Hollywood Producer” … apparently there’s concern that the Transformers production will actually run out of clay … sez my source: “Things got tense on set yesterday when (Director Hakim) Bey realized a fight-sequence reshoot would require 50,000 additional tons of clay … he threw a craft-services bagel at his PA and yelled, ‘Where are we gonna get all this [EXPLETIVE] clay?’”

BONUS SHOCKER: Per my source, Bey went on to throw a craft-services yogurt cup at his DP and screamed, “Everybody go dig up some dirt and soak it in water and make me some [EXPLETIVE] clay, I need everyone to dig in the dirt right now, we need more clay, this is a [EXPLETIVE] clay emergency!”

Another source weighs in to say: “The production is now way over-budget and way under-clayed; Bey’s afraid he’s been played — he thought he had it made in the shade with an A+ grade, but those days have faded like Fannie Mae did, and now dismay is the way of the day, I say.”

I’ve been working the phones to find out details, and just heard this from a SFX guy in the loop: “Optimus Prime is only halfway constructed and he’s looking all dirty and grimy with clumps of grass sticking out of his shoulder because they didn’t have time to clean the clay before they started building the robots.”

Seems like only a clay miracle can save this troubled production now …

If you’re a Hollywood insider and you find this Hollywood news helpful to your job in Hollywood, please consider donating to our laptop fund. Thanks.

Dr. Go-offsky is in the building, and he’s writing prescriptions.

That we even need a new raft of compensation regulations strains the boundaries of credulity. It makes you question the values of your countrymen. They were the principle beneficiaries of a decade-long bubble that they inflated. These Ivy League bundles of privilege were given every possible advantage and then took yet more than that. They took the advantages of high school seniors applying to college this year or entering the workforce next year. They took the advantages of seniors who had saved for retirement and parents who had invested to build their own business. And now they’re refusing to help defuse the bomb at the center of our economy unless we pay them retention bonuses. Worse, they’re threatening to flee the scene of the crime andmake money off the carnage. That, it’s been argued, is why we need to keep paying meeting their demands: Because we need them working for us rather than against us. It’s chutzpah as the Yiddish define it: A child who kills his parents and then begs for lenience because he’s a pitiable orphan. It’s shameful.

I love thinking about patriotism and its relationship to money/the economy. Remember when people jumped down Biden’s throat when he said paying taxes was patriotic? WTF? OF COURSE IT IS. It’s how the government gets the fucking money it needs to function.

“Shared sacrifice” and “shouldering the burden” and “honor, honor, honor” only come up in the context of the military. Why is the financial system not bound to the same codes, the same goose-bump vocabulary? “He made the ultimate sacrifice; he had his bonus stripped.”

LOL, I hope all the kids serving in Iraq and Afghanistan are totally pumped to protect our way of life right now. Everyone should go AWOL tomorrow.

“Doctors and Mental Health Professionals Volunteer to Help Torture Survivors”

LOL, at least join the CIA where you can get paid to do it.

EGG ON MY FACE ALERT: Just off the ol’ Blackberry with a major Hollywood insider who says the rumors of a Claymation Transformers II reshoot are way off base.

This source sez the robot scenes are being reshot using Clay Aiken in a series of robot costumes.

This new process has been dubbed “Clay-Aikenimation.”

After ditching the CGI footage for looking “like some wack-ass Atari shit,” and deciding against Claymation as “too messy,” Transformers II director Hakim Bey decided to cast Clay Aiken in the role of ALL THE ROBOTS.

“Clay has been very patient throughout the whole process,” according to my source. “He’s getting a kick out of playing all the robots — the Transformers and the Deceptitrons (sic), or whatever they’re called, I can’t really remember because frankly we’re all a little drunk right now.”

Apparently the computer nerds who developed the CGI effects are furious that they’ve been kicked to the curb. “I can’t wait to see Clay Aiken try to turn into a truck, yeah, that’s gonna look GREAT,” said one CGI-programmer geek I talked to.

Said another CGI designer: “I don’t care how much yoga that dude (Clay Aiken) knows, ‘Downward Facing Dog’ doesn’t mean you can bend yourself into looking like a [EXPLETIVE] jet fighter plane.”

OUCH!

This story is still developing … I’ll add more deets as they become available …

That’s why they should spell it HOLLYWOULD, people — because where WOULD we be without it?

If you’d like to see more up-to-date political and Hollywood news, please consider donating to our laptop fund so we can blog from the coffee shop. Thanks!

From thismodernworld, a 1999 NY Times article about repealing Glass-Steagall:

Congress approved landmark legislation today that opens the door for a new era on Wall Street in which commercial banks, securities houses and insurers will find it easier and cheaper to enter one another’s businesses …

“Today Congress voted to update the rules that have governed financial services since the Great Depression and replace them with a system for the 21st century,” Treasury Secretary Lawrence H. Summers said. “This historic legislation will better enable American companies to compete in the new economy.”

The decision to repeal the Glass-Steagall Act of 1933 provoked dire warnings from a handful of dissenters that the deregulation of Wall Street would someday wreak havoc on the nation’s financial system.

LOL, God bless those handful of dissenters with their dire warnings, forever lurking around in the lower depths of news articles, spreading doom and gloom.

By the way, I forgot how short Bob Mould’s guitar strap was; LOL, his flying V is flying pretty high up in the sky there, pretty far from the ground, cruising altitude 40,000 feet, LOL.

It seems every news story about the AIG bonuses now makes reference to anonymous death threats that are pouring into the company.

I started making left-wing political cartoons one month after 9/11. At that time, most people weren’t exactly pumped to hear someone making fun of the whole idea of a “War on Terror” and calling President Bush an idiot. I got my share of nasty emails.

I also received death threats. (I soon learned this comes with the territory.) I set up a special folder in my email program where I dumped all the creepy junk: the missives from the guy who fantasized about sodomizing me with a grenade launcher; the guy who said he was gonna personally beat the shit out of me; the guy who asked inappropriate questions about my wife, etc. etc.

Anyway, my point is: Did I go around crying about all these threats? NO. Did I punk out like a little baby and stop making cartoons? NO. Did I go whine to Congress about “Boo-hoo, I can’t tell you who got the bonuses, they might receive a nasty email”? NO. I took a deep breath and rolled up my sleeves and — after a strange phone call in the middle of the night — got my number de-listed and went about my business like a champ.

And mind you, when I received these threats, I wasn’t working in some high-security office building and living in a fancy gated community with no sidewalks where you need a passcode just to go to the golf course. Hardly. I was a schlub in a bathrobe living in a third-story Brooklyn walk-up. The only way I could’ve been a softer target would be if I was made out of Yoplait.

And I wasn’t exactly getting paid millions of dollars for my troubles, either. I was temping part-time for $20/hour and GIVING ALL MY GODDAMN MONEY AWAY, because it was post-9/11 America and we were all supposed to pull together and chip in for the common good. Remember when?

My God, though — if I had been making that sweet AIG money, not only would I have happily endured a few more death threats, I WOULD HAVE ACTIVELY LET PEOPLE TRY TO KILL ME.

Pay me $700,000 a year, or however much the AIG guy whining in today’s New York Times made, and you can threaten me with death all goddamn day. Because do you have any idea how much money that is??? Hell, I’ll let you throw rocks at me. I’ll let you poison my soup. You can slash my tires and spray-paint my driveway. AND ONCE I GET ALL THAT MONEY, I’M TOTALLY PAYING OFF SOME STUDENT LOANS AND FIXING THE GARAGE ROOF AND BUYING SOME NEW PANTS. Because that’s an insane amount of money.

These AIG losers bring the country’s financial system to its knees, get paid millions of dollars for their troubles, walk away unscathed, and then turn around and complain because some idiot using a computer at the public library decides to hit “send” before catching his breath?

Meanwhile American teenagers are getting shot at in Iraq because maybe the Army will help pay their college tuition?

“Death threats?” Seriously?

Here’s my proposal to all AIG bigwigs:

You give me the money you made at AIG and I’ll shoulder the impossible burden you’re living with.

Any takers?

Reader AL kindly sends along this video to counter the notion that Clay Aiken won’t be able to turn himself into a jet fighter:

A crew member from the Transformers sequel sent along this cell-phone footage of Clay Aiken getting into character…

Make sure you watch til the end. My prediction? This will be the greatest movie of all time.

Check it out gang, I made a cool graphic (widget?) that you can look at to see how much progress we’ve made on our voyage to NEW LAPTOP WORLD.

As you can see, we’re off to a great start! Let’s keep that momentum going.

THANKS

Time to take this fundraiser to the next level! Let’s get some fundraiser premiums going here!

If you donate $50, you get: A MASSIVE SHOUT-OUT ON THIS BLOG

If you donate $100, you get: A SIGNED COPY OF THE FINAL GYWO BOOK WITH LOTS OF PATRIOTIC DOODLES ON THE COVER PAGE, MORE DOODLES THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST FANTASIES

If you donate $200, you get: YOU GET TO PICK YOUR FAVORITE SONG TO BE THE SUBJECT OF A FRIDAY FACE-OFFS (provided we can find enough versions of the song on youtube)

If you donate $500 you get: WHOA, IF YOU DONATE THIS MUCH, WE’LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT, I PROMISE

If you donate $1,000 you get: A TOTE BAG

Are you ready to make history?

THANKS

I’ll have a full update later today, but for now let me just say we’ve got some HIGH ROLLERS stepping up to the plate! Fifty dollar donations have been flying left and right. Thanks so much; I’m getting very excited about my new laptop!

If anyone has strong feelings about what kind of laptop I should buy, let me know. Here’s a little something about me and my computer needs:

1. I love to blog. So the laptop will have to be “blog-ready.” Internet access will be a HUGE PLUS.

2. I use the Microsoft Office suite of programs for writing, spreadsheeting, and slide-presentation making.

3. I make my comics in Quark XPress 4.04 running on “Mac Classic” (OS 9). Yes I am hardcore. Did I ever say I was not hardcore? OS 9 for LIFE!!! (But I also own the Adobe Creative Suite, because someone told me Apple was no longer letting its computers run OS 9 and I’d need an OS X-compatible layout program.)

4. Does anyone want to join me in a class-action suit against Apple for discontinuing OS 9, which is twenty (thirty?) times better than OS X, which looks like a bad cartoon shot underwater, with the stupid “dock” where all your programs jump out at you like a killer clown at a funhouse and the fonts look all fuzzy on my desktop?

5. My current computer is an iMac G4 and so all my programs are for that computer but can I buy a cheap-ass Dell laptop and trick my programs into running on it?

Thanks. I’ll have more information later today!

Hey gang, per my fundraiser premiums, all $50 donors get a shout-out on this blog!

Steve Gough, welcome to internet immortality!

Steve came through with a fat donation for the laptop fund.

Steve is a fluvial geomorphologist, in case you didn’t know. (Lord help us if that’s an actual job; however with the ways things are going in this crazy country, I wouldn’t be surprised. America, where did we go wrong.)

Anyway, if you’re shy or opposed to internet immortality, you can still donate lots of money to the fundraiser and I’ll respect your privacy. THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

I’m loving it! Bill Kristol and Robert Kagan, two of the wisest foreign-policy analysts around, who never fuck up and write anything stupid and never support any dumb-ass foreign adventures and have a proven record of great judgment when it comes to foreign policy, have started a new think tank!

Once I get my laptop, I’m going to apply for an internship at FOREIGN POLICY INITIATIVE and live-blog the whole incredible, exhilarating experience!

By the way, why is the globe in their logo all lopsided and off-axis? Did someone drop a nuclear bomb on the Earth from Mars and blow it off course?

Anyway, I’m just so happy that these guys have landed OK. It would send the wrong message if Kristol and Kagan somehow suffered the slightest professional inconvenience or humiliation as a result of their astonishing record of success.

The temperature’s rising … we’re getting closer to our goal … the money is pouring in … the laptop is becoming a reality … the desktop is steaming with envy … the desktop is so jealous: “Why don’t you hold a fundraiser for me?” … too bad, desktop — the future is laptops … laptops are the best … can’t wait to buy that laptop … gonna blog from the train, the coffee shop, gonna blog from the mountain top … gonna blog every which way … even at the movies … even at the opera … gonna take my laptop to the opera and blog about the whole thing … maybe they’ll even be so charmed they’ll invite me on stage to sing a solo … but little do they know I’ll perform a GUITAR SOLO … with over twenty notes in it … I’ll totally shred it … nobody will ever listen to Wagner the same way again …

Just imagine: YOU CAN BE A PART OF HISTORY.

Please consider donating to the mnftiu laptop fund!

Ladies and gentlemen, I got so involved in my laptop fundraiser I neglected to bring you the HOTTEST HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP from BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE FABULOUS.

Here’s what the little birds have been whispering in my ear this morning:

Andrew Dice “The Dice Man” Clay has been tapped to star in “Eternal Stammering of the Button-Down Mind,” the long-delayed BOB NEWHART BIOPIC … this counterintuitive bit of casting was an abandoned brainchild left on the doorstep of director WES CRAVEN … Craven has also requested a script re-write, replacing all of Bob Newhart’s classic comedy routines with Dice Clay’s routines … according to Craven, “this film will show audiences a side of Newhart they’ve never seen before — a side that never existed until now” … should be interesting … a biopic “mash-up,” I like this trend …

This won’t end well:

The phrase “war on terror,” for seven years a signature expression of the Bush administration, has been shelved, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton acknowledged Monday.

Have we surrendered already? Think about it: How can we win the war if it doesn’t have a name? Think on that long and hard. All the best things have names:

1. BEST MOVIE: “Basket Case” (that’s the name of the movie)
2. BEST FOOD: “Nachos” (that’s the name of the food)
3. BEST TEAM: “UNC, The Tar Heels” (that’s the name of the team)
4. BEST RADIO: “Sony Radio” (that’s the name of the radio)

All those things are the best; all those things have names. Cogito Ergo Sum.

Now try this …

1. BEST WAR WE MUST WIN: “—–” (no name!!!)
2. “Ho-hum, I guess we’ll just get killed by the enemy.”

I rest my case.

WAR ON TERROR FOR LIFE!!!

MAJOR BREAKING HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP … MUST CREDIT MNFTIU.CC, THE HOTTEST BLOG …

Just off the ol’ Blackberry with a major Hollywood insider who confirms the latest rumor buzzing around Hollywood:

Funnyman BILLY CRYSTAL will play foreign-policy sage WILLIAM KRISTOL in a one-man show. Rehearsals begin next month in Bristol, UK.

Show, tentatively titled “Clear As Kristol,” will follow Bill Kristol’s amazing career and inspirational personal story. Show is designed to capitalize on the buzz surrounding Kristol’s latest venture, a think thank called “Foreign Policy Initiative” that should definitely be taken seriously by everyone who cares about the future of our country … the think tank’s logo — a lopsided globe that looks like some kid made it in Adobe Illustrator in about 2.5 seconds — will inform the set design of the show, i.e. the set will be crooked and slanted and the audience will have to nail their chairs to the floor before each performance so they don’t all slide down into the lowest corner of the theatre and create a panicked mass of writhing humanity …

As to the tone of the show, one excited insider sez, “Think Mr. Saturday Night meets Project For A New American Century, this will redefine ‘off the hook,’ I can’t wait for this show, both Billy (Crystal) and Willy (Kristol) are national treasures, did you see when Billy got to train with the Yankees, that was the highpoint of Western civilization.”

Sounds good, maybe I’ll book a ticket to Bristol and write a review for the blog?

David Brooks on Obama re-envisioning and -invasioning Afghanistan:

After the trauma in Iraq, it would have been easy for the U.S. to withdraw into exhaustion and realism. Instead, President Obama is doubling down on the very principles that some dismiss as neocon fantasy: the idea that this nation has the capacity to use military and civilian power to promote democracy, nurture civil society and rebuild failed states.

Foreign policy experts can promote one doctrine or another, but this energetic and ambitious response — amid economic crisis and war weariness — says something profound about America’s DNA.

What does that even mean? Seriously, what? Are we gonna sequence our national genome in the autoclave of hot Afghan conflict with an electron microscope sticking out of our X chromosomes? What?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the newest high roller who is setting this blog on fire with her generous donation to the laptop fund:

A donation of $50 gets you a “High Roller” animated gif!!!

THANK YOU